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What’s In My Inbox: A Rant About Cupcake Wars
Posted by Jillian Madison

FNH reader Ben recently saw an episode of Cupcake Wars, and his hatred for the show moved him to write this touching letter to FNH. I think it nicely sums up why Cupcake Wars is one of the worst things on television. I feel you, Ben! Any show that features people “cheers-ing” their cupcakes like vodka shots should be publicly lambasted as much as possible.

Dearest Jill,

I was watching cupcake wars tonight, and said WHAT THE FUCK every 3 minutes. WHY IS THIS SHOW ON THE AIR?! Cupcakery IS NOT A FUCKING WORD. Stop saying cupcakery like it’s some chic new hip thing. The only chic thing about it is that drunk celebrities eat cupcakes to feel less terrible about their ‘calorie intake’. INTAKE THIS DICK.

WOOOO, WAY TO GO FOOD NETWORK!!!!! You just flaunted the most pretentious retards that the food industry has to offer. This motherfucker TITLED his cupcakes ‘EVOLUTION OF MUSIC’. BITCH NO MUSICIANS WRITE ABOUT CUPCAKES, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE A CUPCAKE ABOUT MUSIC? Sure, you’re ‘making cupcakes for the Grammy pre-party’….IS THAT EVEN A REAL THING?

All I saw was some people I’ve never seen before ‘CHEERS!’-ing their cupcakes like they were fucking vodka shots. AND THIS OTHER MOTHERFUCKER talked for 5 minutes about how he ‘forgot a key ingredient’ the last time he was on Cupcake Wars. He said (and I QUOTE!) ‘I forgot the pumkin! Everybody knows me because I’m the guy who forgot the pumkin!’ WHILE HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAID ‘i forgot the pumpkin’. FACEPALM. I had NEVER seen him OR realized that he forgot the pumpkin.

FUCK you, cupcake wars.

/rant.



Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Tobacco Cupcake On “Cupcake Wars”
---The FNH Cupcake Wars Drinking Game
---Neiman Marcus Selling A $25,000 Cupcake Car (Seriously)
---FNH Recap: Halloween Wars, Week 3
---VIDEO: Guy Ferry Overpronouncing His Fake Last Name (And A Rant By Jillian Madison)

    70 Responses

  1. thegolli says:

    I don’t know about this guy’s letter, but the show should be cancelled immediately, but then with the criteria (or lack of criteria) needed to be a show on FN, it’s not too surprising that this turkey made it.

    • FNJEW says:

      See its that damn host. I want to shove a cupcake up his ass. His little witty remarks before he announces the time remaining make me want to go out and bang Sandra Lee – THAT is insanity!

      “Ok bakers, you might not rock, but your cupcakes gotta roll!.. you’ve got fifteeeeen minutes”

      FUCK YOU!

  2. Will says:

    “INTAKE MY DICK!” Ah, that’s funny. So classy, yet so street. It’s strassy.

  3. Spencer says:

    “BITCH NO MUSICIANS WRITE ABOUT CUPCAKES, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE A CUPCAKE ABOUT MUSIC?”

    Shit had me rolling

  4. Jules says:

    Hey Ben, I’m single. /joke.

  5. Silvio says:

    ANYONE who toasts another using ANY item of food is a major TOOL.

  6. Diane says:

    Cupcake Wars blows…no doubt about it. I really think Ben needs to turn off his television and take his meds though. It’s just a TV show, dude.

    • oh_come_on says:

      Venting is good Ben.

    • Mitsy says:

      There is nothing humorous about this rant or about a lot of the recent posts. Return to Food Network Humor and leave the gutter.

      • RR's Pompoms says:

        I agree with you guys. Ranting is one thing but dude, at least make some sense.

      • oh_come_on says:

        Mitsy, what FN shows do you like? There’s nothing funny at how bad their programming has become.

        • Mitsy says:

          Hi, I agree that the programming has reached rock bottom and wish they would get away from these silly competitions and show worthwhile chefs who actually teach you something. I do enjoy FNH’s approach to humor and good-natured poking fun.
          However, some comments
          do overstep the line for “good-natured” humor.

          • keller says:

            Who cares Mitsy?? Try the internal brain filter you were blessed with and you could skip over the words that you couldn’t say as a child.

            Perhaps a little more ‘intake’ and a little less holier than thou crap whilst you tap keys away in your snuggie would put you on the path to tolerance of Ben and his more than prolific and correct point of ‘Cupcake wars’ and their ‘cupcakery’. That it is inane, insulting and completely freaking stupid which is the path that FN has taken lately and that you should be more insulted that FN seems to rate the viewers IQ slightly below Aunt Sandy’s median Blood Alcohol Content on any given Tuesday morning.

    • Mark H88 says:

      I kind of agree, although this email seems to be just a plain old rant (in good humor) as opposed to some of the nasty comments I tend to read on this site.

      There’s a line between poking fun of and just down right nastiness. I hate when I see nasty comments on here because it degrades the sense of humor that Jillian delivers. I think it’s that anonymity of the internet that gives the people the freedom to write whatever they want. I love that, but hate having to sift through all the crap to get to a genuinely funny reply.

  7. HungryHippo says:

    I love Ben… “INTAKE THIS DICK” has got to be the best quote ever. Fuck cupcake wars… worst. show. ever.

    atleast douche bag fiiiEEHHHrriiiii is amusing to watch and rip apart!!!

  8. Hitlerbot says:

    You know what’s really funny? RANDOM CAPS. I too just LOVE capitalizing WORDS to SHOW emphasis even WHEN it’s not even CLOSE TO necessary!

  9. SarahP says:

    I want to be Ben’s friend.

  10. ylimE says:

    Haha, that’s quite a rant! I don’t think I’ve actually been -offended- by a FN show….Or at least not one that didn’t have the Neeley’s on it.

  11. meh says:

    Seriously, this is just crankypants. Turn off the television, stop looking for something to be angry about. Satire, like cupcakes, is a fine art.

    • George Bluth says:

      I think the whole point is that cupcakes are not, in fact, a fine art. If the characters I’ve seen on that show, such as the overwhelming number of aging, plastic surgery altered simpletons or any of the judges, are “fine artists” then fine art has lost its final battle and Family Guy has taken its place.

      WHOOSH!

  12. Ben says:

    note to self: stay away from computer when playing FN drinking game. smh.

  13. Tough crowd! I thought it was funny, Ben. :)

  14. Judith says:

    So did I!!! Keep on truckin’.

  15. Stephy says:

    Hey Ben, you’re one awesome dude! This letter sounds like something I would write. Well, aside from the INTAKE THIS DICK part since I’m a chick, but you get what I mean. Seriously though, I agree, fuck Cupcake Wars. Every time I turn on FN and see it on I just cringe. I HATE this show, it’s incredibly boring.

    I wish FN would get on the ball and start bringing back some of the good shows (IRON CHEF JAPAN, DAMMIT.) because the programming is really boring. I used to keep the channel on my TV constantly, even when I went to bed (oh shit, how I bet I made them money). However, now I find myself unable to watch it for long periods of time. Some days I can’t even watch it at all. It’s pretty fucking sad, I miss watching good shit on this channel!

    • HungryHippo says:

      I SOOOOO agree!! Iron Chef Japan was the best! I hate the over acting from the American chairman.. Why the hell is he bowing to a damn apple before he eats it? (in the intro) Then all the acrobatics… HATE IT! This isn’t kung fu…

      I too, can’t stomach FN for long periods of time.. makes me rage.

  16. James Hawk III says:

    Cupcake WARS, is it? It’s not even Cupcake Slap Fight.

  17. Dre says:

    I walk past Georgetown Cupcakes here in DC everyday on way home and it takes everything in me not to push folks down with their bags of them and step on every single one of their $3.50 PER cupcake.

    Turns out they have their own show on TLC or something as I saw them filming in there several times. Go buy a box of Betty Crocker and a couple eggs. Should cost about the price of one cupcake.

    • thegolli says:

      And now they are even advertising their cupcakes on the network so that you can buy them and have them shipped anywhere, I think.

    • Mari says:

      A bunch of my friends and I went to visit our friend in DC this past summer and one of them bitched and moaned about going to Georgetown Cupcake. We are from NYC, we have enough expensive cupcakes but to make her shut up, we went and stood on a massively long line. I was curious to see what the fuss was about so I got one of the strawberry cupcakes.

      That damn cupcake was fantastic and worth all the hype.

      This cupcake show, just sucks.

      • Dre says:

        I admit, when I first got here I decided to see what all the fuss was about. A 15 minute line and 3.50 later, I was handed my cupcake that had been delicately placed in it’s own precious little pink box and then put in the pretentious Georgetown Cupcake bag.

        It was a pretty good cupcake. Had I not had to stand in line and paid a lot less for it, I’d say it was great. Put it in a paper sack!

    • George Bluth says:

      The real question is why does the line even exist, other than to bring DC a little of the NYC “velvet rope” culture?

      The cupcakes are already made, so they either can’t package fast enough or don’t have enough capacity at the point of sale. Or they’re doing it on purpose. In any case, I’m not spending my money at a business where the owners are either idiots, purposely inconveniencing their customers, or both.

      It’s a cupcake. Not the best cupcake. Just a cupcake. You can get them anywhere. Frankly, there is only one bakery in the area where I’m going to deal with slamming into people – Heidelberg in Arlington.

    • Bea says:

      Georgetown Cupcakes was an awful show. FAKE and awful. Those 2 doormats let their whackaloon “mommy” run their lives and business and not 1 minute of it ever seemed unscripted. And it was still awful! As Ina might say- “How bad is that?”

      Cupcake Wars is a joke. So many shows use the limited time element but I think it has become a bad idea. Showing people at their worst is not impressive. Let people bring their A game and really put their reputations on the line.

  18. FatCat says:

    Nicely put.

    My number is 555-FUCKTHISSHOWTOO

  19. Myrtle says:

    To me the worst part of Cupcake Wars is the host – god, that guy is the smuggest asshole I’ve ever seen!

    Dude, you’re hosting a show about CUPCAKES, for fucks sake – GET OVER YOURSELF!

  20. Laura says:

    Ben-you’re awesome! Cupcake Wars just started airing here on FN Canada last month and I have managed to avoid it like the plague it apparently is. I’m thinking this may be good for me.

    I bake. I love cake. Seriously, I was raised to treat cake as a its own food group. I make a mean cupcake. Shows like this make baking seem like it’s some psychotically difficult endeavour which is just stupid. Where is a baking technique show? Take some of the intimidaiton out of cupcakes, they shouldn’t be intimidating-they’re cute!

  21. Kathy says:

    So, Ben…tell us how you really feel? ;-)

    Seriously, I’m still laughing. In the future, this I am certain…I’ll be innocently minding my own business at work, out shopping, at someone’s funeral, when suddenly, out of the dusty crevices of my grey matter will come a voice shouting vehemently:

    “BITCH NO MUSICIANS WRITE ABOUT CUPCAKES, WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU MAKE A CUPCAKE ABOUT MUSIC?”

    And then a sudden burst of laughter will escape through my lips. But it is a short burst of laughter, as I realize that people will stare at me as I put for the herculean task of trying to contain said laughter. As I finish my business, the slightest giggle will escape, but I hold the rest back until I am safely alone. Then I let it go and the laughter overtakes me until my stomach hurts and I need to pee.

  22. [...] Food Network Humor » What’s In My Inbox: A Rant About Cupcake Wars. Related Posts:Sites You Must BookmarkLinks I Like #1 [...]

  23. ron says:

    I agree with the guy 100%! One food related competition was ok, but it’s become fucking ridiculous with all these food “wars”!
    There are people in this country who are scraping food from dumpsters because they’re starving, and it’s in totally bad taste to trivialize food the way FN does on a daily basis!
    Didn’t mean to get all preachy, but FN is truly setting a new standard for silliness and bad taste.

  24. Betty says:

    I love cupcake wars. I know this is a site to make fun of food shows but I can’t understand if you do not like something then why watch it in the first place.

    • Lizard says:

      I like the show too!!
      Why did Ben watch the WHOLE SHOW if he didn’t?

      • Haven says:

        I’ve never seen the show (no cable/satellite), but I’m thinking the real reason Ben may have been so pissed was because he lost his remote and didn’t want to get out of his chair, also his blood sugar was low… and deep down he just wanted a damned cupcake. Realizing he would have to leave his chair to acquire said cupcake he resigned himself to bitching about the show instead (if he wouldn’t get up to turn the channel, or press the power off button, why would he move for anything?) I’m gonna give him a little credit, he called to have some cupcakes delivered, but when they came to his door he wouldn’t answer (since it required action on his part). He then got even more pissy because the cupcake delivery boy wouldn’t break into his home to hand feed him the cupcakes. if he’d just gotten up outta his chair, he’d have noticed he was sitting on his remote the entire time.

    • thegolli says:

      I agree that if you don’t like a program, why continue to watch it? However, you need to watch it at least once so you can decide. It didn’t take longer than once to realize what a disaster Cupcake Wars is, especially the host. FN has really hit rock bottom with this one.

  25. kross says:

    It was funny but it’s like watching Scarface. At some point you are just counting the number of times you read the word F _ _ _ . Tone it down a bit with the F word and it’s a winner all the way! I do have to agree that Cupcake Wars is the lamest program on Food Network. I have resorted to watching Cooking Channel because it actually has shows where they cook “food”. Where is Nigella when we need her???

  26. Ghouldilocks says:

    I think I want to be Ben’s best friend…

  27. Mark H88 says:

    I bet Ben is 14

  28. Dani says:

    Not only is the show annoying, but I bet ALL 1000 of the loser’s cupcakes get thrown away! What an irresponsible waste of food! Especially because the Food Network supports the No Kid Hungry cause…

  29. Kiss My Grits says:

    “INTAKE THIS DICK” is to become my new mantra for life… I am a professional comedy writer and I have never read anything so funny in my life…

  30. Overshare says:

    I just came here to say that musicians do, indeed, write songs about cupcakes. One of my high school bands most beloved songs was called “Cupcakes” and had such amazing lyrics as “I love cupcakes, there’s nothing greater. I love cupcakes, don’t be a player hater.”

  31. Lee says:

    Hahah, I know the guy that forgot the pumpkin. What a tool

  32. WesternLady says:

    “Cupcakery”? Sounds like we all need to submit this to Lake Superior for their annual list of words to ban!

  33. Simon Cabron says:

    I don’t find this rant very humorous. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not offended in any way… it’s just not that funny. I hate Cupcake Wars, but my biggest gripes are with the douche bag host and the pretentious judges–especially that dunce from that sub-par cupcake bakery in LA. I can’t believe this show got renewed for more than 1 season.

  34. Ardy says:

    The Lonely Island made a song about cupcakes and it was quite popular.

  35. LALA says:

    I swear cupcake wars in racist.

    • Rob says:

      Your a fucking idiot Lala I am assuming by your comment that you are African American – if so, why do you people always bring everything down to race – for christ sake get a fucking life you moron

  36. Jane says:

    HAHAHAHHA This is actually really funny. I was on this show three times.. But I really did not find it interesting at all before we went on. We really just did it to get my moms cake business out there, which worked. And I have to admit, filming the show was the time if my life and I met some really cool people out in Cali. ANYWAYS. I died laughing at the last line. This guy seems really mad, I love it. I hope he found peace in knowing the show is not airing anymore! Now he just has to dodge the reruns and he will be okay…..

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