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FMK FRIDAYS on FNH: Week 4 (FINAL WEEK!)
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As with all good things, FMK Fridays must come to an end. This is the final week, so dig in and let’s torture ourselves with one final, vomit-inducing round of Fuck, Marry, Kill!
Here’s how it works: I’ll pick a group of 3 chefs as recommended by you, the FNH readers. I’ll post who I would choose to Fuck, Marry, and Kill – and you do the same in the comments. Get it? Got it? Good! Now let’s play!
This week, it’s husband week! And the contestants are:
Let’s dig in! Here are my picks:
FUCK: Even though he really skeeves me out, John Cusimano. BUT ONLY BY DEFAULT! I would make him take a very, very long shower first though. And I’d make him shave that beard and put a bag over his head. And four bags on his penis, if you catch my drift. Maybe even five. We all know where it’s been. EW.
MARRY: Michael Groover. He does what every good husband should do: shuts up, stays in the background, and lets his wife run the show! :) Plus, he’s basically a mute as it is, so I wouldn’t have to listen to him running his mouth all day. That’s always a plus. He worked on a boat (I love boats!) and he likes traveling (I like traveling!) and he seems like a nice guy. Honestly though, the yellow, nicotine-stained beard would HAVE TO GO.
KILL: This was an easy choice for me this week… it would have to be AARTI’S CREEPY HUSBY! You know how some people just rub you the wrong way as soon as you see them? And you inherently just dislike them, and unknowingly crinkle the corners of your mouth and scowl every time you see them? That’s how this guy is for me. Maybe he’s a nice guy in “real life.” I don’t know, and I don’t care. I’ve seen videos of him that could make Robert Irvine curl up into the fetal position and cry. Your honor, exhibit A, a video that literally makes me want to claw my face off:
So there you have it! Leave your picks in the comments… AND NO CHEATING. You can’t say “kill them all” because that’s a cop out!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---FMK FRIDAYS on FNH: Week 3---FMK FRIDAYS on FNH: Week 2
---FMK FRIDAYS on FNH
---More Appropriate TV Jobs For The Next Food Network Star Final 3
---Ridiculous Food Network Recipe Of The Week: Baked Potato
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67 Responses
Marry Santa.
Kill Husby.
Fuck Rachel’s husband.
My choices exactly for that reason. You can’t go wrong with Santa and his boat sleigh. I’d put a Josh Holloway mask on John to ease the pain, and hire Dexter Morgan to kill Husby….nice and discreet.
That is the exact order in which I decided them. Except there might be a “shave” before the fuck one, because, really. What the fuck.
I have to agree with your picks and the reasons behind them. The husby…..well he hits me the same way. Notice all the sniffing he does in the video? I only watched 1 minute and he had three good sniffs.
I agree with everybody–and I really do hate all the facial hair. Most guys with “beards” are hiding something–the least being a very weak chin! ;)
I think most women who wear make-up are trying to hide an ugly face. What about people who wear glasses instead of contacts?
I wear glasses because I actually can’t wear contacts. Not trying to hide anything, and I would switch if I could wear them but…such is life.
No–they are trying to enhance an ugly face! But seriously, in assessing a difficult airway one of the first things to look for in men with beards is a weak chin–can make for a difficult intubation—now you know! Oh–I used to wear glasses, then wore contacts, then had Lasik!
No, women with ugly faces who wear make-up just get uglier.
My hubby isn’t trying to hide anything behind his beard. He’s just too lazy to shave everyday!
I pick the same.
Marry Santa
Fuck John
Kill Husby
That video sickens me. I feel like that’s what I would see as I’m walking down a dark alley at three in the morning and he pops up from behind the dumpster, all cracked out and incoherent, and tries to start preaching to me. Then I call looney bin and they take him away…..
Eff Michael, because I’ll bet he knows what he’s doing.
Marry Creepy Husby, and promptly have him committed to an institution for the insane, where he can stay forever.
Kill John, becuase I think I’d actually be doing Rachael a favor.
Y’know the bible says not to kill but… sorry husby you’re just too o__o
Same choices -
Kill Husby (die now)
Eff John
Marry Michael
Fuck: Ray’s Husband John. Ditch the bitch and make the switch honey. I’m sure he’d finally like to put his dick in a mouth that stops talking, at least during sex.
Marry: Deen’s Hus-bear Michael. For no other fact than Paula has crammed his corpse full of butter already that he has to be a ticking time-bomb. I’m sure he’ll die of a heard attach, congestive heart failure, or from just being fat shortly after we exchange nuptials, freeing me up to go back to John for some sloppy seconds.
Kill: Mr. Party (aarti’s serial killer) For the fact he hasn’t combed his hair since he spewed out of his mother’s vag. And that he’s just plain psychotic. Must have a big dick to be married already, so maybe a courtesy fuck’s in order before he dies…
Where’s Jon Hamm when you need an antidote to all this male asshattery?
YES! Jane. Yes.
Hamm is off having a beer with Mike Rowe, thanking their lucky stars that they’re not any of these three guys (other than Mr. Deen, of course).
easily the same order as you!
Is it cheating to say “Fuck ‘em all, but only if I get to use a broomstick”?
Seriously what is WRONG with the Husby!??! That video was extremely disturbing—with the sing songy creepshow tone of voice he was using to say the psalm…I am scarred. *shudder* Aarti sleeps with that thing? WHY?!
That being said:
Kill: HUSBY
Fuck: Michael BECAUSE he probably couldn’t get it up anyways and it would be over real fast. But he would have to shave first and try to touch me as little as humanly possible.
Marry: John — The guy likes to eat and travel and I think with a nose job he wouldn’t be TOOOO terrible looking.
I don’t know how anyone got past 30 seconds in to see what he actually says. What a dumbass. If you have something to say you better say it before I get so disgusted I have to stop watching. WTF.
that video! dear god, that is horrible! f rayrays hubby, marry paulers’ hubby & kill that a$$hole that aarti married. just cuz of that video. just cuz.
kill and YUCK @ all of them. esp aarti’s husb jfc
and yes, I did NOT cop out, i seriously cannot stand and cannot imagine anything with them. *waits for thrown veggies*
meant…”no” I did not
Definitely the same order as Jillian. The only time JAAHN was cute was when he and RR got married he had shorter hair and was clean shaven. That lasted probably just for 1 evening.
If I had to fuck/marry any of them I’d go straight first.
So bummed Jeffery Garten wasn’t an option. I’d marry his sweet little Jew ass tomorrow.
Seems like there was a beard theme gong on, so Jeffrey lost out. Same with Giada’s hubby too, I guess.
Fuck creepy husby (mostly to steal some of whatever drugs he’s on)
Marry Santa
Kill anything dumb enough to marry RR
This was difficult b/c I was so ambivalent about all of em but..
Kill Cusimano: Just ’cause the alliteration sounded fun to chant. “Kill Cusimano! KILL CUSIMANO!”
Marry Michael: It would be an open marriage, as I would want Paula Deen around to cook with after some late night drunk.
Fuck Husby: I know you’re all JUDGING ME…but.. Crazy sex can sometimes be good.. right?! No? The cheese stands alone?
I think Husby probably smells like cheese. Anyone who hasn’t combed his hair in that long probably has serious personal hygiene issues as well.
Kill Husby. Kill, kill, kill.
Marry Michael cuz he looks like Santa and he seems mellow.
F John (ew).
Smells like cheese, hmm? I’d have to say FAN. Feet, ass and nuts.
that finally made me vomit
Yeah Jillian, I think you made this one a tad too easy. XD
all this scorn for uncombed hair!
gosh maybe I should comb mine?
nah.
F – Mr. Rachael Ray, though it sort of pains me to admit it, and like Jiilian, it is by default, because kill and marry were easy.
K – Arty Farty’s husband – what the hell kind of name is Husby anyway?!
M – that was the easiest one – Michael Groover because he’d probably be the easiest one to live with.
Holy shit, what’s up with the religious dude? What’s with that sniff he does? And the pausing, leaning in, & staring too intimately into the camera? This is the first time I’ve seen this guy. Cripes. I could only watch for about two minutes.
OK, let’s see…
I’d go with fuck John C., because eh, he seems the least icky of the three, marry The Captain (and then just keep it an unconsummated marriage), and kill that Jesus-freak, lunatic-looking dude from the video. There you have it!
Fuck: Husby. Yes he’s weird and creepy but he’s the youngest and least unattractive of the lot, plus there’s the possibility of some hot 3-way action with Aarti later.
Kill: Gruber. He’s gross, like sitting on your granddad’s lap and feeling him get an erection gross. Besides, the very thought of getting anywhere near something that’s been in Pauler’s tired old twat makes me physically ill.
Marry: Cusimano. He’s gross but he is probably away from home a lot so it might be bearable.
“…getting anywhere near something that’s been in Pauler’s tired old twat…”
LMAO!!
Best line of the DAY!!
why is Jeffry Garten not an option? id def mary him. hes rich and kind of adorable
+1 for Jeffrey.
Plus he’s smart as hell, so even though he seems like an amiable goof on Ina’s show he could hold his own in intelligent company.
Awww, sorry to question you, Jillian, but how come there will be no more ‘FMK’? I look forward to it on Fridays.
I just feel like we’ve already done everyone, and there’s no one left! Maybe we can revisit it in the future!
Sounds good. :)
Surely with FN’s penchant for hiring weirdos we’ll have a whole new batch for another go around sometime in the future.
LOL , i would have been very disappointed if you didnt kill that creepy douche, this was the best one yet, nicotine stained beard was great!
tug boat cap’n, poor guy
I pretty much agree with Jillian’s choices.
I’d kill Aarti’s husband because he looks and acts like those crazy homeless guys that scream at clouds and spout out random Bible verses to no one in particular.
I’d fuck John, except I’d let him keep the beard, since I love facial hair on guys. He’d still require a through bathing and a triple-bagged dick before getting it on first.
I’d marry Mr. Groover, since he’s looks and seems like a big cuddly Santa. Plus, once Paula dies from eating all that deep-fried butter, then half her shit is MINE!
I got nauseous reading these choices LOL. OK:
F*ck John, because he’s younger and more attractive than Michael, and a sliver cleaner than Husby.
Marry Michael, because who cares, he’ll probably be dead soon.
Kill Husby. Honestly, wtf is wrong with this guy? Aarti could do so much better. So could my 400 pound Aunt Sheila, and she’s missing an arm.
Fuck Aarti’s “husby”. He might be fun.
Marry Rachael’s guy. I dunno. He puts up with her. I figure he has a lot of patience or quaaludes or something.
Kill Groover. I know, he looks like Santa Claus and all that. But I already used fuck and marry.
Oh god. Kill Artti’s husby. I’ve never seen such a thing. I didin’t know it existed. In fact, I can’t even think of the other two situations because I found that video so disturbing. It might take me a solid month to recover. Perhaps next time post a warning?
Aarti’s Husband has a lot in common with Charlie Sheen, the crazy in his eyes, and crazy in general. :-)
I’d have to agree with you Jillian
F) John – mostly because he’s the youngest and least creepy
M) Santa – seems easy to live with and quiet plus he looks like Santa so it’d be Christmas everyday!
K) Creepster Husby McGee – I’d kill him while humming TLC’s “Creep” in a haunting manner that completely changes the meaning of the song…
Awh hell, I’d fuck Husby. Only because he’s cute and I’m a sucker for hipsters. He’s probably a hoot. I’d have to tape his mouth shut though so he doesn’t talk to me about Jesus. He does seem a little creepy, though, but that could be hot
I’d kill Cusimano, for the same reason someone above said–I’d be doing RR a favor.
And I’d marry the captain! He’s rich, and keeps his mouth shut.
jesus, i just watched that video and had to comment again. nauseating. what in holy hell is that guy on? the weird voice, lisping, trailing his s’s ( that annoys the shit outta me). and to top it all off, he’s on a religious weird rant. come on aarti, you married this guy? if he got down on one knee to propose to me i would kick him in the face. love fnh, it’s my favorite site ever. thank you for making me hate this freak even more. :)
This choice is making my head explode, but I’ll go with Fuck Cusimano, Marry Cap’n Mahkul and kill Hipster Husby.
Fuck Cusimano, just cause i like the name John.
Marry Groover, lock him in a closet, steal his cash supply and cars, get in his will and then sufficate him with a pillow in the middle of the night.
Kill “Husby” by all means.
Oh wow…. Hmmm..I guess I would:
1. Fuck John and hope he doesn’t want me to spit on him..But if asked, I would hope to have a really bad chest cold!
2. Marry Mahkul Grooovah just to get fresh seafood.
3. Kill husby so as not to further pollute the gene pool!
Fuck: Husby. As with the previous male FMK I’m going in rough so I hope Husby’s ready to scream into a tear-stained pillow. Plus I chose Aarti for the fuck as well so I might do him first in front of her. As a concession to their religious beliefs I may asking “Where’s your god now?” maybe while wearing a Burger King mask. Then leave them huddled together and whimpering over what happened to them. And with the secret shame of them both loving it more than anything else. Some things are worse than death.
Marry: Santa I guess. He has a boat and probably just wants to be left alone.
Kill: Mr. Ray. Sorry buddy but someone has to die. Maybe if you had a boat.
I’d Efff Husby. Especially if he provided the coke or whatever it is he’s sniffing. How bad could 15 minutes be?
Marry Pisswhiskers. If he’s 10 years younger than Pauler, but looks 10 years older, he probably wouldn’t be around for long.
Kill: John. He’s skuzzy and his sexual obsession with spitting is too gross for comprehension.
I have NEVER seen anything as creepy as Husby’s video – EVER. He must die at once.
F – Cusimano – as hideous as he is, compared to Husby he’s the all American boy.
Marry Santa for sure. It would be fun to listen to Paula explain why Myychal left her. He could take me out on the boat and we could dump Husby’s body in the ocean depths.
OMG is that seriously Husby in that video? That’s so far past disturbing I don’t even know where to start. I feel so sorry for his wife. It’s bad enough when you’re just a normal Jane and married to a bona fide lunatic, but to be semi-famous and have to deal with that kind of crazy? Ick! GET HELP, HUSBY!
Does anyone else think that, especially in the intro, he looks like a REALLY drunk Richard Blaze? AHAAH
i’ve met aarti and the husby and can i just say that he is WAY creepier in person??? i was working in a fancy schmancy soap store and they came in and i introduced myself to her and he came up and literally hugged me without even saying anything. all he told me after was that i had a nice soul and a good spirit and then promptly smeared glitter under his eyes and pranced around my store. he’s what happens if you eat too many bad shrooms.
What a pity every red cent Aarti makes during her 15 minutes is going to subsidize his coke habit! Tardive dyskinesia here we come!
Agree; same list, same reasons. Couldn’t get through the clip, just too creepy. Made it to 1:05
Fuck= Cusimano. However, as you mention in your original post he would have to take several showers first. And wear several “bags” on that dick of his. Not just because its been all up in Ray-Ray…but just in case the 5 showers didn’t clean everything off. He just looks so dirty…..
Marry=Michael Groover. Shave his yellow nicotine beard off and he might at least be good company. He has a boat and that would be nice to be taken boating. For the most part he doesn’t run his mouth to much. Even when he does talk he mumbles so you can just ignore it.
Kill=Husby. He’s creepy. Like serial killer creepy. I also have no tolerance for people who shove religion down your throat that much. I’d kill him. In the face.
Pretty much agree on choices, but I think the KILLING part should definitely be first in this case! Could he have seen this and thought, “cool”???! He mentions he likes great art, did you notice the picture in the background??! Wtf?