Guy Fieri »
First of all, there are going to be a lot of curse words in this article, because when I talk about Guy Ferry I get very fucking heated. Sorry, mom and dad.
Speaking of mom and dad, they really tried to raise me right. Amongst other things, they taught me to say please and thank you, to never show up empty handed, and to not use the word “hate” because it “wasn’t nice.” Apologies to mom and dad here, but you know what? I’m going to come right out and say that I fucking hate Guy Fieri with the fire of a thousand suns. Two seconds of his phony, surfer dude who can’t surf, rocker dude who can’t play instruments, Guido bad boy bullshit literally makes my skin crawl. The sunglasses on the back of the head, the flip-flops in the kitchen, the greasy bloated face and spiky hair and 900 pounds of tacky jewelry… those are all bad enough. But when he overpronounces his fake last name of “Fieri” as “Fietti?” Forget it. It’s just too much for me to take.
Roll that beautiful bean footage:
Overpronouncing a name that isn’t yours, like it’s been yours forever? Is there anything more vomit-worthy? Could he be more of a self centered, douchebagical prick?
TRUTH: Guy Fieri’s real name is GUY FERRY. His father was born JAMES FERRY. His grandfather was ALSO a FERRY. It was his GREAT GRANDFATHER, from the fucking 1800s, who had the Fieri name. Guy Ferry lived the first 30 years of his life as GUY FERRY but changed it to “Fieri” because he wanted to open a pizza parlor and he thought “FIETTI” sounded more Italian. Now he’s going around saying he’s “GUY FIETTI” like he’s been Italian his whole life? Couldn’t you just throw the fuck up?
Guess what? My great-grandfather’s name was Salvatore Mancini. Am I suddenly going to wake up one day and change my name to JILLIAN MANCINI and start making my own brand of tomato sauce to sell on television? NO, BECAUSE I’M NOT A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Lots of things have happened through the years. I’m not 100% Italian anymore. My heritage has been blended with Irish and German blood, amongst others. To focus on one distant heritage in the name of starting a business is despicable.
What bothers me the most is that people are actually falling for his fake shit! There is actually a fan site! He actually has some fans. I ask, in all seriousness, what is wrong with you people? Are you mentally ill or just stupid?
I’ll say what everyone else in the food industry thinks but won’t dare say, because I’m not being paid by anybody to write this blog and I can be as honest as I want to be without fear of losing my job: someone needs to kick this douchebag and his krew of middle-aged misfit toolbags in the mouth until they shut the fuck up, and then put them on a one-way bus to Flavortown Nowhereville USA where they can live out the rest of their days verbally jerking each other off and talking about Guy Ferry’s kewl new pair of skull embroidered flip flops… never to be heard from again.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Guy Ferry. Never Forget!
---Guy Ferry Is A Hypocrite
---An Argument Against Buying Guy Fieri’s Books
---Cal State Disses Guy Fieri
---Guy Fieri Ends Episode By Taking Fake Phone Call
- Guy Fieri