General: Food Network, Guy Fieri »

Chef Baseball Cards: The Lowest Point In Food
Posted by Jillian Madison

This just in from Food Network Magazine: chef Mark Forgione, chef Daniel Boulud, and GUY FIERI are going to be featured on their own baseball cards this summer. The cards will be made by Topps, and will be part of their Allen & Ginter line (which highlights semi-pro athletes, non-athletes, and with the introduction of the Fieri card, idiots as well).

Chef baseball cards are lame enough on their own accord, but a Guy Fieri baseball card? Really, Topps? Are we being punked? What, was Sandra Lee unavailable? And dare I ask what’s next? An entire line of cards based on Rachael Ray catchphrases? Fun for the whole family! Collect them all! AND THEN KILL YOURSELF!

There’s something incredibly wrong our society if Guy Ferry – an ignorant, feeble minded, mediawhoring hack with zero culinary trainingĀ  – is worthy of his own baseball card. Frankly, he shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath as chefs like Forgione and Boulud, let alone forever immortalized next to two men of their caliber. This decision was clearly based on money, and certainly not merit, which makes it a huge FAIL on Topps’ part.

If you’re going to insist on a card featuring a Food Network host, why not Alton Brown? And as much as it makes me cringe to say this, why not Michael Symon? At least he has a long history as an actual chef and is mostly respected by his peers.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but all great chefs have a deep-rooted passion for food and I really respect that. Many of them are great role-models for kids as well, which is a rarity in today’s world. However, this “celebrity chef” bullshit is getting out of hand. At the end of the day, THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE WHO COOK FOOD. Should we really be fawning over them and treating them like rock stars because their chicken comes out a little juicier than ours? I don’t think so.

Unlike the world of sports, chefs don’t become household names based on their performance in the field. Chefs become famous based on their personalities, the popularity of their TV shows, and how many dollars in revenue they can generate – NOTĀ  by how great their pork tenderloin tastes. After all, none of us peons are ever going to taste their food! And even if we could taste it, FOOD IS SUBJECTIVE! The amount of, say, home runs someone hits is not.

Bottom line: I firmly believe this is the lowest point in our nation’s culinary history. Kudos to Topps, though, for using the most annoying possible photo of Guy Ferry. It’s got it all: the sunglasses, the sweatbands, the bowling shirt, the finger points, the tacky jewelry, the mid-life crisis stance, and the hideous hair. The only thing missing is a pair of squirt bottles. Maybe next time, Topps. Maybe next time.

Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Ironic Celebrity Chef Garbage Pail Kids
---Food Network Christmas Cards: 2009
---Ironic Celebrity Chef Garbage Pail Kids
---Food Network Monopoly Cards
---Food Network Humor Monopoly Cards (Part 2)

    70 Responses

  1. Ava says:

    Actually, the Guy card is missing food dribbling down his chin. They almost got it right. :)

  2. coffee-n-toast says:

    I hope Topps is willing to accept responsibility for the pummeling of small children everywhere whose Chef Baseball Cards have been discovered by the school bully.

    Adult cardholders, of course, are on their own. They should know better.

  3. Teague says:

    Had this image of someone in eighty years time cleaning out grandpa’s house after he has gone to a better place, and coming across the Guy Ferry cards and wondering what the heck went on way back when.

    • Carrie says:

      Now that’s funny! Maybe while they’re at it, they can create a time capsule to fill and bury with these cards, ugly, speckled bowls and brightly colored handled knives so we will never forget.

    • kpipe says:

      someone actually goes by “guylover69?..eeeeeekkkkk!!! having said that…the only thing more repulsive about him…in the card shot….and everywhere else i see him for that matter…is that when he’s in “his position”…that crotch of his is pointed straight toward us as well…….sorry…no…NOT sorry…my son took one look at this card and said “mom? why is he LIKE that”?…enuf said….

    • leahblizz says:

      I just had the image of this kid going into the Pawn Stars shop with his Guy Fieri baseball card and being told it’s worthless.

  4. VC says:

    If you were really serious about having some sort of culinary arts baseball-type cards, Julia Child would definitely be the first I’d print one of. I mean, seriously, how many people haven’t seen what that woman could do with a meat cleaver? Also, I’d include Anthony Bourdain because he kind of reminds me of a baseball player who’d always be willing to go for the Suicide Squeeze play. And I could go on and on, but Guy Fi-etti????? Pah-leeze! I’d take a baseball card of Ina and her G.Crew anyday. Heck, I’d even take one of Aunt Sandy (avec her bottle of Smirnoff, of course) over that moronic slug with legs.

  5. Luna Lovegood says:

    I read about this in the latest issue of the FN mag, Jeez, I kept waiting for it to say it was for some sort of charity or something but it wasn’t. Who in their right mind would pay money for this shit?

    And the article about Triple D and Guy in the same issue was completely barf worthy….they could not have made him look more like a tool if they tried.

    • Eurodancemix says:

      I especially liked the picture of Guy with his head bowed on the counter as he was “collecting his thoughts” before the taping of the show. Good one, FN, you have a sense of humor after all.

    • VinylChild says:

      Oh yeah – that article really showed what an asshat he really is. “He’s standoffish before shooting because he wants everything to show up organically on camera” – no, he’s just a dick.

      • Luna Lovegood says:

        Oh I know, that was so phony, the “great artiste” needs a moment to collect himself, hardly. I’m not a huge fan but I’m not a huge hater but that article made me like him less, not more. Epic fail to whoever wrote that dreck.

      • Ferd Berfle says:

        The only “organic” thing about Guy is that he stinks like poo.

  6. Janelle says:

    That picture of Fieri makes me hate him even more, and I didn’t think that was possible. WTF? Is he descending from heaven on a cloud of his own BO? Blessing his redneck minions?

    In other news, they are showing that goddamned “surprise meal for Frank and Stephen home from their vacation” Barefoot Contessa episode AGAIN. I haven’t turned FN on in months and it’s like I never left.

    • coffee-n-toast says:

      It’s like a soap opera. You could miss it for a whole year and get all caught up in about 3 minutes.

    • Jan_el says:

      Redneck minions? Neh… his fans are most probably drunken frat boys, 40 year old men pretending they’re 20 and think no one notices, “Jackass” viewers and guys who play in softball leagues.

      I’m really tired of the “Frank and Steve Come Home” episode too. Although, the lemon mousse looks good.

  7. bon appetit says:

    Well said Jillian. I have always respected Boulud for his food and business savvy. His licensing team should be fired.

  8. GuyLover69 says:

    Jillian, you need to slow your roll. Guy is totally deserving of his own collectable card. It’ll go great with my personally autographed squeeze bottles, knuckle-sammitch knife set, ticket stubs to his live show, and “only for the back of yer’ head” sunglasses!

    You’re very mean spirited toward the Guido-Man-God that is Guy. I think it’s because you are jealous of his success and fame. He’s risen from a restaurant co-owner, to the Next Foodnetwork Biggest Loser! He’s a one man minute-to-win-it hosting machine… and you’re just an angry blogger with 173 separate blogs. Why don’t you go start up 14 more blogs with funny pictures of spelling errors, and stop hating!

    And you can eat THAT off a flip-flop. Whimmy-wham-wham-wozzle!

  9. Eurodancemix says:

    I’m so hoping the Guy card becomes referred to as “the douche card” by collectors.

  10. Fuzzle says:

    Why Fieri? Why? I would be happy to see chef cards based on older food network hosts or maybe even past iron chef winners, but Fieri?

    The only use I can see him needing a baseball card with his face on it is in case he acquired amnesia and needed to look for his identity.

    It would be awesome to have the Fieri card as a target for gun shooting now that I think about it. Shoot the douche on the head and win 1000 points!

  11. Ina Garten DaVida says:

    Take it as inspiration…photoshop some fake cards with Guy, Sandra, Pauler, et. al

    And for stats, may I suggest:

    Best thing they ever ate
    Number of shows running concurrently on FN
    Number of spouse/sig other appearances
    Number of references to said SO
    Who inspired them to “cook”


    Practically write themselves…

  12. I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

  13. Daninplano says:

    He’s even making “Duck Face”. I’m at a loss for words, here.

  14. Jersey Girl says:

    Can some NYC friends please rush over to Daniel and Marc Fiorgione’s NOW!!!

    The real chef’s need to placed on suicide wach after being named in the same sentence with this douche.

  15. Pat says:

    Jillian, why does Michael Symon make you cringe?

  16. Koty says:

    maybe in the world of “celebrity” chefs It’s possible to become famous without good tasting food. Any chef anywhere else who doesn’t make good food won’t be making any money, or be mentioned in anyone’s household ever.

  17. Robby says:

    I guess i’m the weird one because OMG I TOTALLY WANT ME SOME OF THOSE CARDS! :)

  18. NepEnut says:

    Am I the only person who objects to these being called “Baseball” cards? Collectible cards, sure, but not baseball cars. Why?


    To call these ‘baseball’ cards pretty much demeans the entire sport. And I’m not a huge fan of the sport anyway, but come on, America’s pastime deserves a little bit of respect. At least enough to not be associated with Douche Fieri….*angryface*

  19. Jayjay says:

    If you don’t like them, don’t buy them.

  20. Amy says:

    This is awful, my kids collect Allen and Ginter! This crap will be in my house! By the way, I think Forgione looks like a douche with that faux hawk of his…

    • Fia says:

      It’s only faux if the hair is mostly all the same length and it’s spiked in the middle to look like a mohawk (particularly humorous if you’re thinning on top like Jon Gosselin.)

  21. Chris says:

    Guy Ferry … The next Honus Wagner.

  22. Lisa says:

    Worst phoo of Guy ever. It looks like he’s about to say, “Suck it!”

  23. Lisa says:


  24. I think Ferry is actually wearing a really douchey chef’s coat. See, it’s double-breasted and has that little flap at the shoulder.

    But yes, this is disgusting.

  25. Jason Reichert says:

    Guy Ferry isn’t even the next Nelly when it comes to baseball or softball. If you saw the EPIC FAIL that was his girly throw in the charity All-Star weekend softball game from three years back you’d see what I mean….

  26. George says:

    They should really take this to the next level by making it into a collectible card game.

    “I’m gonna use Fieri to attack with Catchphrase! That destroys four brain cells!”
    “Sorry, Ina’s Pretentiousness spell is still in effect — that blocks all Douche-type attacks.”
    “In that case I’ll use Sandra Lee’s Intoxicate to temporarily incapacitate Ina–”
    “Sorry, I’m using my Chopped card on Sandy. Bye bye.”

    Come on, Food Network, let’s make this a reality!

  27. Cindy says:

    I wonder what the stats (obnoxious self congratulatory bullcrap) on the backs of the cards say?

    Giada- pet peeves- Dinner guests who take 2 potatoes!

    Bobby Flay- fake, rigged win/loss ratio for Throwdowns

  28. Robert says:

    When you wrote: “Should we really be fawning over them and treating them like rock stars because their chicken comes out a little juicier than ours?”

    No. Absolutely not. But we shouldn’t be fawning over people who hit baseballs really, really far either.

    • Carrie says:

      Agreed – but at least with athletes their stats are viewable and verifiable. You’ll never get that with the celeb chefs who didn’t climb up through the industry.

  29. Pyratekirk says:

    The bad news: There is no doubt the SOMEONE will get these for me at some point.

    the good news: I’ll have something to submit to ‘Why did you buy me that?’

  30. Freezezzy says:

    At least Forgione and Boulud actually look like chefs (with their arms crossed and chef coat on). Fieri looks like a guy from the airport leading in a 747.

  31. Elle says:

    I would pay good money for an AB “baseball” card.

  32. AB fan says:

    Even as big of a fan as I am of AB…I’d cringe to see one..and I think he would, too. No thanks.

    What’s next – action figures?

  33. deelaem says:

    Ow, Ow, my sensibilities REALLY hurt!

  34. MONEY says:

    Totally money.

  35. clarebear says:

    Is it just me or when Guy Ferry strikes that ‘pose’ does it not remind anyone else of a dog dragging it’s ass across the carpet?

    I find nothing worth watching on FN any longer besides Chef Anne and the RARE occasion that Alton is on (sometimes I’ll watch Iron Chef but it’s rare I can tolerate the iron chef… booby flay? no thanks!) I used to be a HUGE FN fan but now it just grates on my nerves. More Chef Anne and Alton less douchers!!

  36. Pat says:

    Food Network action figures? Now THOSE I would buy! Imagine the fun. And they could sell a little Kitchen Stadium for them to play in…kinda like the FN version of the Barbie Dream House.

  37. Mandy Pandy says:

    The big question is: Do they come with gum? And what does it taste like? Does each chef (and I use the term loosely) have their own special flavor of gum?

  38. Michele says:

    Fieri looks like he’s begging to be kicked in the crotch.

Post your comments

We are not affiliated with the Food Network, or any of their hosts, in any way. This is a satire, humor, and parody website.
(c) 2014 Food Network Humor - All Rights Reserved