This just in from Food Network Magazine: chef Mark Forgione, chef Daniel Boulud, and GUY FIERI are going to be featured on their own baseball cards this summer. The cards will be made by Topps, and will be part of their Allen & Ginter line (which highlights semi-pro athletes, non-athletes, and with the introduction of the Fieri card, idiots as well).

Chef baseball cards are lame enough on their own accord, but a Guy Fieri baseball card? Really, Topps? Are we being punked? What, was Sandra Lee unavailable? And dare I ask what’s next? An entire line of cards based on Rachael Ray catchphrases? Fun for the whole family! Collect them all! AND THEN KILL YOURSELF!

There’s something incredibly wrong our society if Guy Ferry – an ignorant, feeble minded, mediawhoring hack with zero culinary training  – is worthy of his own baseball card. Frankly, he shouldn’t even be mentioned in the same breath as chefs like Forgione and Boulud, let alone forever immortalized next to two men of their caliber. This decision was clearly based on money, and certainly not merit, which makes it a huge FAIL on Topps’ part.

If you’re going to insist on a card featuring a Food Network host, why not Alton Brown? And as much as it makes me cringe to say this, why not Michael Symon? At least he has a long history as an actual chef and is mostly respected by his peers.

Now I don’t want to get off on a rant here, but all great chefs have a deep-rooted passion for food and I really respect that. Many of them are great role-models for kids as well, which is a rarity in today’s world. However, this “celebrity chef” bullshit is getting out of hand. At the end of the day, THEY ARE JUST PEOPLE WHO COOK FOOD. Should we really be fawning over them and treating them like rock stars because their chicken comes out a little juicier than ours? I don’t think so.

Unlike the world of sports, chefs don’t become household names based on their performance in the field. Chefs become famous based on their personalities, the popularity of their TV shows, and how many dollars in revenue they can generate – NOT  by how great their pork tenderloin tastes. After all, none of us peons are ever going to taste their food! And even if we could taste it, FOOD IS SUBJECTIVE! The amount of, say, home runs someone hits is not.

Bottom line: I firmly believe this is the lowest point in our nation’s culinary history. Kudos to Topps, though, for using the most annoying possible photo of Guy Ferry. It’s got it all: the sunglasses, the sweatbands, the bowling shirt, the finger points, the tacky jewelry, the mid-life crisis stance, and the hideous hair. The only thing missing is a pair of squirt bottles. Maybe next time, Topps. Maybe next time.

Other posts on Food Network Humor: