Looking to make something tasty tonight? Try this totally fake Ina Garten recipe, written and contributed by FNH reader Eric J. Salonis!

Here’s a completely fake page out of her new recipe book, How Easy Is That:

INA GARTEN’S BETTER-THAN-YOURS CAKE

I just love summertime in the Hamptons. On particularly gorgeous days, Geoffrey and I like to drive up and down the coast line, descending on unsuspecting gay vacationers with fun little “ninja” picnics. “Eat, damn it,” I always love to exclaim. (When Geoffrey’s out of town, I bring Sock Puppet Geoffrey. How easy is that?) One time in the middle of a sultry July mid-early-ish-afternoon, I took some pictures of one of the fabulous gay orgies going on in this little cove near Southhampton that I sometimes stalk. That gave me the inspiration for a new recipe! There’s sex, and then there’s cake, and then there’s Better Than Sex Cake. But I thought it could use a little more kick. Here’s my Better-Than-Yours Cake! GOOD LUCK!!!

INGREDIENTS:

• 4 cups “unspun” flour (that’s flour made from the type of wheat that is normally spun into gold in fairy tales)
• 1 cup Golden Showers honey
• 2 Tbs. good olive oil
• 5/36 tsp. cloves (measure carefully)
• 2 eggs, left at room temperature overnight (I like to pass the night in between smoking a bowl and playing with my Gotta-Catch-‘Em-All Poké-MAN toys)
• 2 sticks of good, unsalted, untainted butter, made from an unsuckled newly mothered cow
• 10 lbs white truffles
• 1 tsp. bad vanilla (good vanilla will overpower the cake when combined with the honey, in this case!)
• ¼ cup blood of a hen
• At least 37 clandestine pictures taken from cove-set fabu-gay orgy
• 1 gallon bottle of preserved nervous giggles from fabu-gay orgy
• Crème fraiche, for serving

First, I really don’t think you’ll ever get this cake to come out right. I hope that helps.

Now that that’s out of the way, combine your flour, Golden Showers honey and good olive oil in a nice, BIGASS mixer. Turn that shit on, and let your Latin theme music take care of it.

When the unspun flour turns into actual gold dust, add the cloves (DON’T YOU FUCKIN’ DARE TURN OFF THAT MIXER!!!!!!!!), the eggs and the butter.

NOTE: your eggs absolutely MUST have been left at room temperature overnight, or all the lands will be covered in a second darkness. Meanwhile, stuff your mouth with the truffles and “go to town”. When you’re done eating the first five pounds, breathe their aromatic essence into the mixing bowl. You should see the batter start to spark and bubble, and you will occasionally see shapes in the mix, hideous forms, the faces of the Unnamable. That means the batter has begun to transcend. Let it simmer down a bit, then begin eating/breathing more truffles into the batter, a few fistfuls at a time (much like adding chicken stock to risotto). Reserve 1 pound of the truffles.

Your batter should now resemble God. Before you are turned to stone, quickly add the bad vanilla to diffuse the spirits in the batter, and return it to its normal, battery-goodness state. Pour all that goodness into two cake pans. Bake in oven at 350 degrees for 1 hour.

While the cakes are baking, drink the hen’s blood and immediately begin rubbing fabu-gay orgy pictures all over your denim-clad body, reciting the Creed of Baal. Once the souls trapped within the photos begin to fade, open the jar of nervous giggles and dance, dance, DAAAAAANCCCEE!!!!! Eat remaining 1 pound of truffles and breathe into the empty jar. Plug jar back up, and you should begin to see the souls of the gays appear in the jar, floating like so many trapped pickles (tee hee!). Refrigerate bottle for 4 hours. (NOTE: Do NOT open your refrigerator at ANY POINT during the 4-hour reuinification process.)

Remove cakes from oven and allow to cool on a wire rack. Once your 4-hour soul-reunification process is complete, open the fridge. You should now have a big bottle of delicious, fabulous gay frosting.

Frost cake. Serve with crème fraiche.

~Eric J. Salonis

(Also be sure to check out Ina Garten’s Summer Squash Imbued With Unicorn Magic!)

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