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Next Food Network Star: Episode #703 Recap
Posted by Jillian Madison

Another week, another craptacular episode of Next Food Network Star!

The show opened with everyone complaining about Chris being annoying – and with Penny doing her hair in the middle of the upstairs hallway. We’re off to a great start here, folks.

For the camera challenge, the contestants had to make a savory dinner out of HERSHEY’S chocolate products, and then present it in front of the camera. The word HERSHEY’S was mentioned about 9.2 billion times. Also, Jeff wore a tacky red headband to catch his gross sweat, and Vic Vegas dipped his asparagus in chocolate.

Alicia bombed in front of the camera (shocking), and Justin once again delivered a performance that was flatter than Jillian Michaels’ stomach.

Chris, on the other hand, WROTE HIS RECIPES ON HIS HAND before his camera presentation. I guess that’s a tactic you have to resort to when you have more items on your plate than you do brain cells in your head.

Jyll was the winner of the challenge. And in a related story, the phrase “JYLLICIOUS COOKING” still makes me want to kill myself.

The contestants then headed back to the “butler’s pantry” … which is just code for “tacky set with the ugliest wall art ever.” White plates under an Ikea spotlight? REALLY, FOOD NETWORK?

While in the “butler’s pantry” Vic took a moment to lament his continued poor performance. He said, “I’ve never been on the bottom so much.” Well, except for that one time in college, but that was just a phase.

Next, Douche Goldman and Douche Irvine showed up on set. Douche Goldman explained that the challenge was going to be about his “favorite thing ever.” No, not Taco Bell burritos at 3 AM after an evening of bong hits on the roof of his bakery… but dessert.

Next, the 12 contestants were split into two teams (Chris, in case you’re reading this, that’s six people per team.) Jyll picked the teams since she won the HERSHEY’S CHOCOLATE challenge. She chose to work with Duff, and picked all the girls but Penny to be on her team. Penny and the boys were on team Robert.

On the girl’s side, Alicia came up with the brilliant idea of making cupcakes on a stick. On the guy’s side, Vic Vegas referred to Anne Burrell as “Chris’s girlfriend.”

For the most part, while cooking, the girls were calm, cool, and collected. The guys, however, were hooting and hollering like they were in a bowling alley. Robert Irvine came into the kitchen and demoted Chris, who was the leader, because he was doing such a bad job. Justin B took over and did a decent job, but in all fairness, Kim Kardashian’s left ass cheek would have commanded more respect than Chris did in the kitchen. And that’s a fact.

Chris really had a rough night. Both his batches of cakes were ruined, and he dropped a bunch of his food while carrying it into the walk-in refrigerator. Also, he served the judges the UGLIEST PIE ON THE PLANET. It seriously looked like a severed, infected bull penis. Delish!

For the most part, the food sucked. The 150 diners really hated the dishes prepared by the women, and Penny actually went so far as to pick through the garbage to see how many guests threw away Alicia’s nasty cupcakes. One diner in particular had some harsh words for Alicia:

And poor Mary Beth. She was not confident at all about her nasty milkshake. I think it’s safe to say it definitely did NOT bring all the boys to the yard.

Bobby Flay thought her shake was too watery, and said, “Milkshakes have to be very thick.” That’s right, Mary Beth. Your milkshakes are supposed to look like this completely undrinkable milkshake served to me at Bobby’s Burger Palace at Mohegan Sun in July, 2009, which was basically one minuscule scoop of barely-blended ice cream aimlessly bobbing in a sea of watery milk:

Susie forgot to buy oil to fry her churros, so she made pancakes out of the batter instead. Unfortunately, it didn’t work – and it ultimately resulted in Susie Fogelson making this incredibly flattering face:

Also, Robert Irvine’s team wowed him by creating an edible, life-size replica of his penis as a tribute to him:

Okay, I’m just kidding. It was really an underwhelming dish conceived by Jason B: skewered bacon dipped in chocolate. I took some creative liberties there because these 90 minute episodes really DRAG LIKE A BITCH.

Despite the lame bacon on a skewer, Robert Irvine’s guys actually won the challenge. That must be a new feeling for Irvine… that whole “winning” thing, eh?

The bottom 3 performers of the night were Alicia, Mary Beth, and Susie. None of them will win the competition and they all should be sent home as soon as possible… but tonight, ALICIA WAS THE ONE SENT HOME. Too bad, so sad.

Stay tuned next week when Paula Deen shows up looking like this. THE HORROR!

Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Next Food Network Star: Episode #702 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #701 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #705 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #707 Recap (The One Where Wolfgang Puck Was A Douche)
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #710 Recap (Iron Chef)

    160 Responses

  1. Catherine says:

    I laughed out loud and couldn’t stop when someone – I think Penny? – made some comment about Justin B. to the effect of “He’s only here because he can cook.” It’s a competition for a fucking COOKING SHOW. Where do they FIND these idiots?!

    Yeah, Justin is boring, but I’d rather watch a boring person make really amazing food than watch a crazed, fake-smiling, middle-aged douchenozzle make disgusting food. FOOD NETWORK ARE YOU LISTENING?!?! No? Big surprise.

    Is it just me, or do the contestants this season seem meaner and dumber than usual?

    Also – from the moment milkshakes entered the scene, I knew FNH would be bringing up the Bobby’s Burger Palace fiasco!! So funny!!!

    • Jon McKenzie says:

      It’s not just you, they are. I didn’t even bother with this episode. Jokes aside, I like Mary Beth’s vibe, and if they’d work WITH her, just as Gordon Elliott developed Paula Deen after discovering her during his “Door Knock Dinners” show, instead of subjecting her to this culinary frat hazing, I think they’d have a fine host.

      On the whole, I’d rather take an armchair tour of Italy with Nina and David Rocco on “Dolce Vita” on Cooking Channel. I’m serious. Love the show.

      • LilliBeth says:

        I too really like Mary Beth. I think in her Food Network would have a calm and genuine Star. I really can’t take the way some recent choices have been so phony (Aarti). Mary Beth at least comes across as very personable and giving.

        Glad Alisha is gone — Jesus, how tightly wound is she? But I have to say I think Chris shoulda been drop-kicked out of the contest tonight, given his awful performance.

        Can’t wait to see “Same Face” Paula Deen next week, and of course given the heavily edited preview, it looks like more Penny drama is coming.

      • Andy says:

        David Rocco is so effing hot. I was so disappointed to learn he was straight and married.

    • BlueHawaii says:

      Meaner and dumber than Aria last season? That would be impressive, and I don’t think we’re there yet.

      • TwistedMista says:

        I think Penny’s proven she’s meaner and more scheming than Aria was capable of. She’s also proven that she’s dumber because she didn’t wait until the last four episodes to start dropping those bombs. I predict the entire female cast will start sabotaging Penny at this point, and you know it’s an issue with the panel because they keep discussing how “unlikable” (read as “bitchy”) Penny is.

        The only smart decision her ass has made yet was to drop that whole fake sexpot thing. Thank the lord she finally turned off the sex, because it was surely turning me off.

        • VZG says:

          I don’t think she dropped it completely. She made quiet a show of being buddy-buddy with a high-pitched voice and lots of “you’re so sweet” to the guys, and lots girl-hating. Which is totally appealing to female viewers — yeah! Let’s get the woman who apparently hates all other women and sucks up to the boys on. That’ll do well.

    • May says:

      Did anyone notice the box of wine being poured into a punchbowl with ice cubes floating in it? Then Alicia actually drinking straight out of the bowl with a straw???

      • trojandoll says:

        I did notice that and wondered what was up with it.

      • Rebecca says:

        She can’t bake and has no concept of backwash. Gross.

        • chris says:

          we never saw anyone else drink from it, my conclusion is that she drank it all herself!!

        • Brigid says:

          Alicia? Why is she any different that Paul Dean? Paula is constanly double-dipping, licking her fingers and serving food. Yuk. Paula Dean’s spit is in everything she cooks. Oh…I just realized the difference…Paula is a “star”, Alicia isn’t. Star spit will not contaminate.

    • Mark says:

      Justin B certainly has skills, he just needs a personality. Given the right format I would watch him.

    • VZG says:

      That was pretty much exactly my reaction! It was almost like she was complimenting him, but being herself she couldn’t actually phrase it in a way that didn’t sound at least partially negative.

    • me says:

      I STRONGLEY AGREE with Catherine!

    • Suzanne says:

      I agree….this is the worst season of contestants ever!! They are the grossest most dirtiest motely group of people I’ve ever seen: sweat, greasy hair, idiots. I think the FN needs to put this show in the can. Penny needs a spatula to scrape off all that black make up and she’s mean and bitchy. Yuk to this show.

  2. FuryOfFirestorm says:

    How fitting that Duff’s team was filled with so-called “pastry masters” that ended up making over-hyped desserts that tasted like shit.

    It’s also ironic that Penny was drafted into the “all guys” club, if you get my drift…*cough*itsatrap*cough*

    • Twibb says:

      The first second I saw “her” I immediately called her mannish. Seriously, look at those cheekbones!

    • James says:

      Another blog compares Penny to Paul Stanley of Kiss sans makeup and refers to her now as Paul Stanley. It’s pretty funny as she actually does look like a particular pic of him…

    • Brigid says:

      I’m surprised Penny didn’t try to seduce all the men. That woman needs a giggalo and a room. Oh yes…and a bag for her head.

      She discribed herself as mature and sensual and Alicia as skinny….yah, right….I think it’s obvious which one most men (maybe all men) would choose. Alicia is young, shapely and attractive…Penny is a horny, worn out, unattrative old broad.

  3. April says:

    After watching this episode, I did not think it was possible to dislike anyone as much as I dislike Penny….but Chris made the impossible possible. I cain’t stand his idiot fratboy bull penis pastry making ass.

    Thanks for the recap! Spot on and hilarious!

  4. Elizabeth says:

    WHY are they 90 minutes? Tonight’s “elimination” consumed 25 of them, with 3 commercial breaks. It’s ridiculous. And the whole camera challenge was basically a commercial for Hershey’s….ugh. Needless to say I enjoy your recaps way more than the episodes themselves…

    I particularly like Penny stating at the beginning she didn’t want to make any friends, then getting all offended when Jyll didn’t ask her to be part of her team. Yeah, okay…

  5. rin says:

    team vicccccccc

  6. Cubsfan12 says:

    I’m so glad you caught Vic Vegas’ “I’ve never been on the bottom so much” comment. I wonder how long until he and Chris’ bromance explodes into something that’ll tingle the hairs on the back of Tuschmann’s neck…

    • Nadine says:

      OMG, your comment about the bromance between Vic and Chris. Spot on. I was waiting for Vic to lean over and lay one on him. God how revolting.

  7. Lizzie says:

    “It’s not fun network, it’s food network”

    Sums it all up. I can’t stand Jyll and her Jyllicious ideas and her entire Jyllicious team, except for Orchid. I hope Mary Beth is out next week because is a pitiful old bitch. We don’t need another Melissa D’arabian.

    • Twibb says:

      I can tolerate Whitney and Orchid, but that’s about it from that group. And Whitney is just a much younger, much Asian-er version of Rachel Ray.

      • LauraS says:

        Whitney does look like Rachel Ray, but I think the similarities end there. She has the brain more of an Alton Brown…she’s super smart, far more than Rachel is I’m sure. Her problem is she has the personality of a piece of cardboard and she can get annoyingly controlling. She, along with Justin B. are by far the most talented as far as cooking goes, but unless they find personality somewhere, there’s no way they can win.

  8. SRS says:

    Nooo say it ain’t so….damn my insomnia but this horror just popped up on the FN page on FB. It can’t be true.

    Vic’s chocolate dipped asparagus vs Chris’s nasty infected looking pie….gag me with a spoon.

    • Cynic Onlooker says:

      Chris’ pie literally looks like raw pastry dough with several different jellies slopped on there. I would have laughed out loud at it if I was at that exclusive “party.”

    • Nicole says:

      I’m pretty sure giving out any real information like this is against their Non-Disclosure Agreement that each contestant signed prior to making it on the show [I mean, Food Network breaks it routinely every season by spoiling who the winner is, but they're the ones that write the contracts].

      Besides, when Penny was taking the skewering on Food Network’s facebook after the first episode aired, her “children” ran to her defense, saying how great she was. This facebook page was started by her children, so.. I think it’s just them trying to further talk up their mommy-dearest.

  9. SRS says:

    I blame being horrified for forgetting the link

  10. SRS says:

    Basic Info, borrowed from FB.

    Name:The Simple Palate ™Category:Business –

    Employment & WorkDescription:The Simple Palate ™ is going to be a new show on the Food Network, starring my mom, Penny Davidi. It is kid friendly, and if you join you might have a chance of being on the show.

    Sorry to be the bearer of what could be bad news :)

    • Amber says:

      Noooo! Say it ain’t so!

    • cloverleaf says:

      Ugh…….was it this early in the show’s run last season that Aarti was listed as a chef on the FN site?

      Usually, I can root for a couple of contestants, but this season, I am completely neutral, with the exception being that I find Penny unattractive on every level.

      • Njchicaa says:

        The Simple Palate shows up as a Twitter name for Penny in a google search. The link leads to a page saying there is no such account though

    • BlueHawaii says:

      A Bing search brings up this result:

      “”Penny Davidi (TheSimplePalate) on Twitter

      Penny Davidi (TheSimplePalate) is on Twitter. Sign up for Twitter to follow Penny Davidi (TheSimplePalate) and get their latest updates”

      But when you click on it, that page doesn’t exist. Looks like someone jumped the gun on publicizing herself and got smacked down by corporate.

    • Brown Sugar says:

      There is a “The Simple Palette” blog from Penny D but it’s from 2010. I’m guessing it was a past project?

    • Twibb says:

      It’s pretty obvious why. They don’t have a “Middle Eastern” Cook yet, which is just about the stupidest reason to grant someone a win ever. Rest assured the runner up will get some fake show and end up being better than the actual winner (Adam Gertler anyone?)

      • Rebecca says:

        They also don’t have any Asian based cooking shows other than Aarti (and that’s assuming that the American public knows that India is part of Asia, which I don’t hold my breath for.) It’s annoying that it’s looking like it’ll be more about filling a gap in ethnic cuisine than about actual talent.

        • Ina Garten DaVida says:

          “that’s assuming that the American public knows that India is part of Asia, which I don’t hold my breath for.”

          Hee. And so sad

    • jj says:

      Ouch. But you know what? I think FN is practically on the edge of orgasm at the thought of having a middle eastern-oriented cook – an even more rare thing than the asian-influenced cook, of which there are plenty in the platoon of celebrity chefs, if not on FN itself. They’ve gushed over the way she’s reinvented herself, the mommy card is already in play, and like her or not, she’s clearly not intimidated by the camera. Ad that to FN’s history of fuck-ups re: non-disclosure, and I believe it very much could be so.

      But what annoyed me most about last night’s episode was the absolutely shitty editing. Looked like a bunch of college film students were running the show. Perhaps unbeknownst to us, this is ALSO part of a college film course, and this is a competition for the students, too?

  11. Kenny says:

    I seriously almost lost it when the judges were like “MILKSHAKE? Who makes a MILKY-SHAKE?!?”
    Okay, I can understand blatantly bad-tasting food, but unfortunately, Mary Beth may have been unable to even avoid this. When you watch the episode, you can see all the food sitting on the table waiting to be eaten. I’m pretty sure that room would be hot as hell with all those “affluent thespians” scarfing down shitty cupcakes and twiddledonk desserts. No matter the consistency of the milkshake, it was GONNA melt sitting there on the table anyways.

    Annoying, but true. To win these types of competitions, you seriously cannot make ANYTHING that can be preferred in different ways (aka, meat can be preferred well done/medium rare/rare, milkshakes, and anything that isn’t raw nothingness)

  12. leahblizz says:

    Every time Chris opens his mouth, I violently cringe. I didn’t know it could get worse than “BOOM, SAUSAGE TO THE DOME PIECE”, but apparently it can.

    Also, I love how Vic’s new thing is “Vegasing” things up. For example, “I decided to Vegas things up and dip these pieces of asparagus in HERSHEY’S chocolate.” So “Vegas” (verb) should enter the lexicon as a synonym for fucking up beyond belief.

    Ugh. The only people I like are Orchid and Mary Beth, but she won’t last long because she’s not cheesy enough. I fear that at the end of this will all be asked to cook JYLLICIOUSLY.

    • LauraS says:

      I like the idea of using “Vegas” as a verb for being a fuck up. I burned a piece of toast the other day (should have consulted the Food Network recipe archive, I guess). I Vegassed it.

      • Mary says:

        HAHAHAHAHA i just burst out laughing! thank you for brightening my day- i Vegassed my brothers birthday cake lol oops

    • Surly Duff says:

      The highlight of Chris’ evening was when he started thrusting and shouting “I’m making ice cream”. Frankly, I think Chris is giving douchebags a bad name.

      • Rebecca says:

        My husband and I started laughing and said we didn’t want that ice cream, he likely added a special ingredient!

  13. Nastenka says:

    Epic fail. On soooooooooooooo many levels. Why, FN? On the other hand, it’s hilarious to see people tripping other people in front of the proverbial zombies for an oh-dark-thirty time-slot on a falling downhill fast network about food… I just hope Chris is gone soon. His doucheyness(?) takes away from the humor of the show. Honestly, I watch it for the giggles.

  14. Teague says:

    Did she really use the term ‘Jyllicious’ ?!

    And who was the pathetic bastard who referred to Irvine as his idol? Really?

    I thought princess Giada was supposed to be a mentor not a judge. Now they seem to keep her out of the working kitchen (just like in real life) and only have her on a control set(also just like her show).

    • Cynic Onlooker says:

      Notice how the show next week is on the set of some sitcom or whatever called “Cougar Town” immediately after in the promo the camera cuts to Giada. Coincidence? I think it’s about as subtle as the fact that Tuschman wants to go back to the 2nd grade.

  15. JackEughlayte says:

    Now that Jyll made it through another round my guess is she started flashing more thigh to try and appeal to the inner lesbian that is Bob Tushmann.

  16. Andra says:

    Oh, joy. Miss Piggy’s grandmother is on next week. Hai-Yah!

  17. ButtaRumCake says:

    Ummm….WTH was in Bobby Flay’s right ear during the group judging?

    Was it a hearing aid? A piece of bacon? Pawler’s finger??

    • Cynic Onlooker says:

      Probably a mic connected to the executives in case something got…whatever a bad situation is on FN. Probably his lines…

      • coffeeandshoes says:

        It probably was his lines, because they didn’t want to have to record a voiceover for everything he said. Seriously, when he was hosting America’s Next Great Restaurant, almost every host-type line of his was voiced-over while the camera was on someone else. Some of that had to be to insure that he would actually pronounce CHIPOTLE correctly, given his co-judge. Though I did actually hear him say it once while the camera was on his face, but boy, did he speak slowly and think about every letter. HA.

  18. PKirch says:

    Mary Beth is much better suited to host a show like Foodography, not a cooking show. I just can’t see her cooking on television, but going to places, explaining trends, and what not that seems more up her alley.

    • Cynic Onlooker says:

      Exactly!! She’s already a food blogger, so it’s just a televised promotion of what she’s already doing.

  19. MARTIN says:

    Yep – Its definitely confirmed that Penny Davidi is the winner. Searches of web archives show the following:

    “Penny Davidi (TheSimplePalate) is on Twitter. Sign up for Twitter to follow Penny Davidi (TheSimplePalate) and get their latest updates”

    Unwiding the web to last night using simple techniques you can read:
    The Simple Palate™
    Description:The Simple Palate ™ is going to be a new show on the Food Network, starring my mom, Penny Davidi. It is kid friendly, and if you join, you might have a chance of being on the show.

    • MARTIN says:

      However it is also often true, especially in the past couple of seasons, that even the second place finisher gets a show. So Penny finishes either first or second.
      But my bet she is douchey enough, already hated enough, and ugly enough to be the Food Network Star winner!

      • Catherine says:

        The idea that Penny could be the winner is actually offensive to me. Too far, FN. Too far.

        • Ray says:

          Guess they figure she’ll sell lots of cheap plastic crap at your local Kohl’s or Mal-Wart. FN has priorities, after all!

        • imbri38 says:

          I couldn’t agree more. Nor can I understand AT ALL why a network give a show to someone so incredibly UNlikeable – they’ve said it themselves!! FN is just useless….I’m completely disgusted.

    • FuryOfFirestorm says:

      I wouldn’t be surprised if Penny made that stuff up and posted it in hopes of being found and spread around like her last case of herpes. Penny thrives on attention and drama on a level that would shame Perez Hilton.

      • VZG says:

        This I find actually pretty believable. I’d also believe a fan (or anti-fan) made it up to rile people up.

        Because it’s just too difficult to believe they’d fail that hard without even attempting to edit all her unlikeable traits out of the show.

      • Alice says:

        I was so annoyed at the Judges’ gushing over Penny’s dish. She made one of the most standard Persian deserts, Sholeh Zard, which nearly any respectable Persian woman can whip up. Christ, it’s just like Aarti and her dumb “curry” dishes. You make something remotely exotic and the judges shoot their load. Penny made Sholeh Zard almost EXACTLY how anyone else would make it. Where’s the creativity in that!? I am so ashamed for my culture considering we have an asshat like Penny to represent Middle Eastern cuisine. WHY??

    • Nicole says:

      Her child started the facebook page, lol.

      Read it again: ” starring my mom, Penny Davidi.” — I’m pretty sure this was started by the same daughter who ran to her defense on the food network facebook after everyone was talking about how terrible a human being her mother made herself out to be. Like her mom, her reactions were to be as immature as possible, so I think she created this to try to make any “haters” feel bad.

    • Hakuna Fritatta says:

      The Simple Palate ™>>>

      Whaaat? Not “The Sexy Palate™??”

  20. Craig says:

    Of those who are left, Chris will probably leave next, followed by Vic and wooden Justin. I would be rather surprised if Penny won the whole thing. Yet, it would show FN just doesn’t care anymore, considering they pretty much made everyone hate her after seeing the first episode.

    Why do the ads show more interesting things than the show? In one preview, they showed Whitney cooking in a glass bowl over the stovetop, which then shatters. Didn’t air it on the show itself though. Just like the ad with Conant telling someone to shut up and listen to him, which also never aired on the show itself.

    They aren’t even trying anymore. Duff and Irvine did absolutely nothing. They just showed up, said the challenge, and left. No coaching, teaching, or even much judging. FN just sees this as a big ad for product placement and to plug their other shows/personalities. Although, I did laugh when Bobby told Duff he was not the next FN star.

    • Rebecca says:

      Irvine did, he fired Chris as the leader of the group and gave Justin D the tip to add actual corn to his pudding.

  21. PKirch says:

    I loved the plugging of another FN show during this last night, when I believe it was Chris talking about The Worst Cooks in America. Seems that a few of them should have tried out for that instead.

  22. So There says:

    This show is such a train wreck. You don’t want to watch but you can’t look away. Pompous ass Bobby makes me want to smack him. Giada (gag) should be taken off the air along with Aaarti, Melissa, Big Daddy, the Neely’s (gag), butter queen y’all Paula, (she’s just creepy), Sunny, Guy (rock & roll dipstick etc, etc), Where the eff do they find these people? Julia Child must be spinning in her grave. The FN needs a complete overhall. It is horrible.

    • FeeBeee says:

      I feel like we are soulmates. You listed all the people I hate most (except Bobby. He’s grown on me. I can’t help it).

      It makes me so sad that what should be my favorite channel has almost completely run me off by making 80% of their shows unwatchable with horrible hosts or stupid premises. I like Brian Boitano’s show, I like Ina, I like ICA and Chopped, and that’s about it these days. Very sad.

  23. Annie says:

    I could not get past Alicia’s voice, so I’m glad she’s gone. Bobby says he likes Penny. Wow, real shocker! They’re both arrogant with no personality. So I’m guessing she will be the winner.

  24. PKirch says:

    Alicia always sounded like a Pre/Post Op Tranny to me.

  25. njchicaa says:

    Last year it was Indian…. this year it will be Penny and her Middle Eastern food. Next year it will be Asian. Debbie Lee was 2 seasons too early!

  26. Teague says:

    I beginning to think that Whitney will emerge as a real front runner. Weather she was the one preselected to win that’s another story.

  27. SRS says:

    The FB page for Penny’s new show is still there, guess no one told them about screen shots which exist long after the page is gone.

    • Hakuna Fritatta says:

      From the FB page:

      There are no admins left in this group!”

      FWIW, I don’t think it would occur to a kid to use the ™ symbol.

    • Hakuna Fritatta says:

      I notice that the FB group “Viewers Against Penny Davidi” has 8x more members than “Simple Palate ™.”


  28. So There says:

    Is it me or does Penny remind anyone of Jaffar in the movie Aladdin? I’m talking looks and personality.

  29. Daria says:

    Well, my DVR cut off the ending of the show but I’m not at all surprised it was Alicia going home. She was such a trainwreck who broke down in tears in front of the judges a lot. They embarrassed her quite a bit by bringing up a few times that she made cupcakes for a living but her desserts really bombed.

    Chris should be sent home next week then since he was only saved by being on the “winning team.”

    Also we learned this week that Bob Tuschman is a “connoisseur of whoopie pies.” I had to LOL at that.

    Oh yeah and “Jyllicious Cooking” made me eyeroll. Will we be subjected to more stupid show names like Aaarti Party?

  30. Scruffy says:

    Are you a short chubby brown chick? Audition for Food Network Star! Guaranteed to last longer than you should!

  31. NepEnut says:

    I think I’m going to stick to the re-caps from now on. I watched the first few shows because it was like a fun train-wreck, but now it’s just kind of a sad train-wreck.

    It’s just kind of hard to believe that there are practically no likable personalities on here this season. Whoever said they’re all meaner & dumber is pretty spot on. I seriously hate everyone. Penny & Chris especially….

    I’m really starting to think that Penny is a man. She really looks like one. And what the hell was up with that necklace she was wearing during the elimination round? Clearly her neck must be freakishly strong because I bet if you put that on me, my neck would snap like a twig. Was she trying to be Iron Man? That was seriously the most hideous piece of jewelry I’ve seen in a long time….

    Yeah. I think I’m done watching this piece of shit. I don’t want to watch a show from any of these people anyway. I like to relax & enjoy TV, not fly into a blind rage & lose brain cells….I think my blood pressure needs a break!!

    • heatnjoy says:

      I dont watch at all, I just come here to read what happened and what you think..why do you all actually watch? You hate it so why not just read the recapps? Weather you want to or not..k that was for!

  32. jmsiv says:

    “Vic Vegas dipped his asparagus in chocolate” Was that a euphemism?

  33. Diane says:

    “…severed, infected bull penis.”
    I will not be able to get those words or that image out of my head all day.

    Thank you for NOT magnifying Pauler any more than you did. Don’t need to see butter coming out of her pores on top of the bull penis image.

    As always, your recap had me rolling. :D

  34. Currer Bell says:

    Our biggest laugh of the night was Chris jerking off as he was saying “I’m making ice cream!”

  35. Tyler says:

    Jillian’s commentary on Mary Beth’s milkshake: priceless.

    But this was probably the hands down worst episode of this show to date. I’ve been snarkily enjoying the over-the-top drama and douchery for the past two episodes, but last night’s was just bad. Why in god’s name is Chris still there? Can he, you know, actually DO anything? I mean, anything at all? Wipe himself, even? Massive incapability and incredible cockiness do not a Food Network Star make! …Oh, wait a minute… nevermind…

    And what the hell is Penny’s deal? I mean, I know she’s there for the drama and all, but does she really think acting like a huge twat is going to make FN’s main demographic of bored housewives with a high school education want to watch her? I wanted to stick my foot in her ass when she made the comment about Justin B. only being there because he knew how to cook. REALLY!?!?! Maybe she’s confused thinks she’s actually on RuPaul’s Drag Race instead.

    I never really had a strong opinion of Jyll until last night. She seems pretty likeable, but she needs to drop the Melissa D’Arabian schtick pronto. I swear to god, they could be twins.

  36. Orni says:

    I don’t understand all the Penny haters. It’s a competition, and she’s competing. If the woman can cook five-star quality and speak clearly on camera, and isn’t a two-faced back-stabber, or incompetent, like most of those ass-wipe contestants, more power to her. And by the way, she’s right about Justin B — he may know how to cook, but that dead fish he held up in the week 1 promo had more screen presence.

    • Ray says:

      “and isn’t a two-faced back-stabber”

      But…. she *is* a two-faced backstabber.

      • Mark says:

        I don’t think she has any kind of star quality but she is at least up front about being conniving and playing to win.

        She only has a single face, it’s just not a pleasant one

    • Teague says:

      She’s a lot of talk for really unoriginal idea. It’s worn out and used…a bit like Penny.

      BTW her posts out side of the posts seem just as nasty as the ‘edited’ stuff on the show..

  37. steph says:

    anyone else think jillian should go under a fake name and try out next season? trolling in real life? :D

    • LauraS says:

      That would be funny, especially if she’s on some challenge involving Guy Ferry. She’ll just scream “OH FUCK NO!” and just storm off the set. I almost typed that she’d kick him in his crotch, but that would involve having physical contact with him…and I imagine Jillian would prefer to never, ever have to do that..

  38. ChrisEW says:

    So Chris’ response to the critique of toning down his douchiness (not what they literally said, but it’s what they meant) is to refer to that douchiness as “showing leadership”, and do all the same annoying things, only louder and in the form of orders to his fellow competitors. And combine that with a pinch of special bus third grader – “Making ice cream!” indeed.

    Alicia – I was worried that if she’d stayed any longer, the next challenge would have been deciding who was going to trim her fingernails so she wouldn’t hurt anybody in the asylum.

    I’m with the judges – what on earth did some of those contestants do for six hours in that kitchen? Popcorn? Milkshakes? These are things I make during commercial breaks. Did they curl up with a book for the other five and a half hours?

  39. Chris says:

    I don’t see a single contestant that I can imagine being a watchable TV host. Sad and pitiful.

  40. B says:

    I am so glad Alicia is gone. Hearing her talk is like nails on a chalk board. Also, she look so uncomfortable. I just wanted someone to put her out of her misery.

    • Mark says:

      My thoughts exactly, every moment she was on my V was cringeworthy. From the very moment that Alton yelled at her to her last moment on the show I was just counting down til she was gone

  41. Deaner says:

    “Always look eye, Daniel San”


  42. admissions_bitch says:

    I have to say, I watch this show for the train wreck it is. Bobby gets to douche it up more so than usual and lines like “it’s not called the fun network, it’s the FOOD network” (or something very close) bounce around like pingpong balls in a frat house. I appreciate that in a TV show. But I have one question: has Alicia cried more in the three episodes she has appeared in than any other cook-testant/ FN personality ever before? Yikes, working with her and you’d be begging for your raincoat. Turn off the waterworks, dahling! Save it to say, I am thrilled to see her off- I can now enjoy the loud-mouthed incompetent “cooks” (I even use THAT phrase lightly) without worrying about setting off “baby cries a lot” and ruining the high of the douchebaggery that is running rampant.

    God, I love to hate this show. Second to Jersey Shore, it IS all that is wrong with America.

    Peace kids,

    Admissions Bitch

  43. Alton is God says:

    Who wouldn’t want a slice of Chris’ Roadkill Pie? Yum-o!

    I sincerely hope that Penny is just counting chickens before they hatch with that Facebook page. Because, WTF Food Network? Are you TRYING to make my head implode? Flay, Aunt Sandy, Ray Ray, Fieri, and Penny all on the same network pretending to be cooking authorities makes the baby Jesus cry.

  44. Ava says:

    I’m surprised there was no comment today on how pissed Susie got when Chris was standing at the judges table ONLY talking to Bobby Flay. That was pretty funny, if you ask me. I mean, that girl was livid!
    Chris is dumber than a box of rocks. I seriously can’t believe it took him 2 shots to ruin those chocolate pies…then he goes and dumps his other dessert all over the floor.

    Though…with Alicia getting there solely on the wings of her cupcake business and bringing down the team with how terrible it was, I’m sure business will be booming for her.

    Oh…and did anyone else pick up that Chris actually was the one walking Vic through how to make his puff pastry dessert?

    • Chris says:

      You are right about Susie getting bent out of shape. That was either contrived drama or Susie and Bob are the most sensitive bitches ever.

  45. Panther Joe says:

    Jillian, you are a talented, witty writer, and it takes a personality like you to do this kind of show justice, but having read your other recaps through the years this set has been a little flat and bordering on juvenile.

    Repeatedly referring to Duff and Robert as Douche? Come on, girl, you’re better than that!

    • Actually, I couldn’t disagree more. I think this was one of the funniest reviews I’ve written in years.

      Also,I’m not sure how often you read or comment here, but FNH readers call those two ass-clowns DOUCHE GOLDMAN and DOUCHE IRVINE.

      • Teague says:

        I happen to think that referring to Irvine as a douce is being mean towards douches. They(douches) do in fact serve some sort of practical purpose. The same can’t be said for Irvine. You could ask Irvine but he would most likely lie about it anyway.

        PS It was a very funny recap.

      • MARTIN says:

        I agree. I laughed so hard! Thank you Jillian for the excellent and so funny recap.

      • Panther Joe says:

        Point taken. Perhaps your old recaps were more subtle or something.

        One point I thought they didn’t need to drive home was cutting Bobby saying how milkshakes “should be” twice in the episode. I immediately thought of your tryst up to his restaurant. Now he’s a guy who deserves more ribbing than someone like Robert Irvine.

  46. Violette says:

    Why don’t they do camera challenges where they actually cook on camera? I miss laughing at the contestants awkwardly juggling cooking and telling boring stories about themselves. Also if Penny wins I think I may have to have my own one person riot in the streets.

    • Bowties are Cool says:

      No, don’t worry. If Penny does win, my fiance and I will join you in your riot! The 3 of us shall walk up and down the streets shouting, burning cars, and bringing about the Apocalypse.

    • Plumpy says:

      I’ll join your riot if Penny wins. Whoopee Pie King Bob Tuschman is so into likable, relatable “stars” it begs the question: why is a mega-bitch probably going to win? Even is she’s really a sweet person underneath it all her persona during this competition is very off-putting. I’m really sick of people being bitches just to get ahead. I’m sick of bitchy behavior being rewarded. I guess I’m old-fashioned for preferring a nice, warm, genuine person over someone who has no qualms about fucking over her competition just to win “fame” on some jive turkey cooking channel.

  47. Minx says:

    I think Whitney, Orchid and Susie are the final three. Penny is the evil bitch that will be kept around for many more weeks for entertainment–so original.

  48. Polly says:

    Jillian, once again you had me sitting in the office chair slapping my thigh and gasping like a marooned walrus, which scared the crap out of the dog because I was laughing so hard I at points found it hard to breathe. And this is all without seeing this atrocious show last night. Who needs to watch with your hilarious recaps?

  49. tommy says:

    could anyone else hear a paula deen’s ghostly cackle echo in the background as the picture slowly zoomed in?

  50. FatCat says:

    I don’t think this episode was as cringe worthy as the last episode, but I am getting really worn out with this 90 minute per episode crap.

    Does anyone else think Tusch looks like a shrunked, twisted Liev Schrieber, cause it just came to me.

  51. jb says:

    ORCHID: It’s hers to lose right now. She’s pleasant on camera, her food has been consistent, and she has the Aarti story arc.

    PENNY: You know, if not for her personality, she could be a real contender… she has the unique culinary POV they like, and her food has consistently been some of the strongest. I find her food appealing, but I don’t find HER appealing. If the editing swings towards giving a redemption arc to her and away from having her come across as a stone cold bitch, there might be something to the spoilers.

    JEFF: I don’t think he cooks well enough to win, although I’ll make a prediction that should he crack top 5, he gets a travelogue-type show where he tours the country looking for sandwiches, and can narrate as some kid in BFE, Iowa tries to eat a grilled cheese sandwich the size of a billiard table.

    JUSTIN B: Still awkward. He can make the food, but it’s going to take a miracle to make him less uncomfortable in front of a camera.

    JUSTIN D and WHITNEY: Still boring although seemingly capable.

    MARY BETH AND SUSIE: Still inconsistent although likeable.

    VIC: Still hanging in by a thread, only to see others fail even worse than he does.

    JYLL: Some momentum this week but I don’t see how she brings anything all that exciting unless they want a second Melissa d’Arabian on reserve.

    CHRIS: Still a tremendous douche who lucked out this week.

  52. imbri38 says:

    Ok…seriously, it’s bugging the crap out of me…why does Douche Goldman occasionally shave his big gorilla arms? It just makes no sense to me…just sayin’

  53. Madzdad says:

    I am starting to wonder if Penny might be a ringer to introduce some “drama” to the show. She just seems over the top even for this show. I watch it with my DW, but struggle to keep my mouth shut, though she knows, she knows.

    Also, the summer fare at FN just looks awful, and “Extreme Chef”. FN is turning into MTV, all reality, no cooking, drives me nuts.

  54. VZG says:

    I don’t care what any of them look like, and to be honest I don’t care if they’ve got a winning (read: merchandise-pushing) personality either. I’d watch Justin B and Whitney if I wanted to cook. Of course… I suppose personality does count a little, because I’d never watch any show Penny hosted. I’m not really into women who hate women. And if it wasn’t just straight cooking I’d be happy to watch Mary Beth. (And I WOULD watch a show where they made cooking fun, if the food was good enough. Lord knows I could use some fun when trying [and failing] to cook.)

    Chris actually made me feel bad for him. I know, he comes off as a douche who can’t cook, but I can’t help but feel bad for someone whose dishes don’t even make it to the table. (And hey, he apparently makes good ice cream.) If he’d just failed the way the girls failed it’d be easier for me to mock him. It’s like with Sarah — yeah it was probably her fault for not making sure there was frying oil, but I’d feel better about her failure if she had just brought out crappy churros.

    As a side note, could we lay off the “tranny” jokes? Real transpeople are actually pretty cool, and it’s the goddamn food network, not the rate-women network. I mean, at least make fun of the guys’ appearances if you’re gonna do it at all, folks.

  55. Plumpy says:

    It’s a pretty sad state of affairs when I’m so bored watching this mess that my mind wanders. I ponder how much Botox Susie Fogelson has had and why one of her eyebrows is higher than the other.

  56. Scruffy says:

    Why in the bloody blue hell is this show 90 freaking minutes?

    I hit the point where I thought it should be over, paused the Tivo, and saw it was only 60 minutes in. Christ on a cracker, the show is more bloated than Ina.

    So again they’ve copied Top Chef and cast people inexplicably over-tattooed, as well as most of the music and the challenges. Except these idiots make even the worst Top Chef contestants look like culinary masters. Now that I think about it, I’m pretty sure that, outside of Guy, Top Chef contestants have been more successful with TV than FN’s selections.

    I’m still waiting for Amy Finley’s Dance Party. It’d be better than the chubby brown chick’s show we’re destined to get. Doesn’t matter which one, but it’ll be a chubby brown chick. Mark that down.

  57. iamnotepad says:

    Not going to lie, the Vern Yip picture made my night. Seriously that room is ridiculously bland.

  58. Missy says:

    Hi All,
    Can we please address a basic issue with the judges on “FNS”? They must FULLY taste the crap food in order to properly judge!
    If I see Giada’s beaming moon-face fawning over these .00005 ounce bites of air once more, I’ll lick Jeff’s sweaty-ass bandanna.
    Seriously, what GIVES?!
    Thanks, Missy :)

  59. Marge says:

    You should do a live blogging during episodes. Would be fun!

  60. Chris says:

    You know, it’s shows like this that make me stop watching FN as much as I used to. FN is taking the same route that MTV did. MTV used to be really cool when it played actual MUSIC VIDEOS. But now it plays garbage like Pregnant at 16 or some shit like that.

    Anyway, its obvious that FN looked for the dumbest, least-likely people to ever become a famous chef and pit them against each other because they know they will fuck up somewhere and make for good television.

    Wouldn’t it make more sense to find some really talented individuals who aren’t complete bitches and actually respect each other, and make a quality TV show with those ingredients? Yes it would, and that’s why FN doesn’t do it.

  61. foxymorom says:

    So glad Alicia went home. Her voice reminds me of how I imagine dead people would sound if they could talk. Psssst… Penny, no matter how well you can cook, no one wants to watch a cooking show with a vile, nasty, sneering host. I missed Giada saying “PEET-SAAA” this week.

  62. Eliz says:

    I said after the first show that I’d like to see a Middle Eastern show, but I’d never watch one with Penny because she’s a bitch. An unlikable bitch.

    I’m not sure if any of these folks are potential “stars” on the FN–my only hope at this point is that one of the quiet ones who can actually cook will grow a personality.

  63. rosemary says:

    If penny wins this, I know that 5 of us and others who will not watch her sex in stillettos show also shes not that great to look at and the attitude alone is a cop out. All of those who won in the past were gracious and never burnt mac and cheese. She should have been canned last week. An easy dish like that if just plain stupid. I wouldn’t have kept her on just because there is a little more fire in her. That was also plain stupid. I thought that this was all about cooking at its best. Go figure..

  64. Razmatini says:

    Does anyone else think that Jeff looks like a crappy version of Joey Richter with that headband?

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