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Another week, another craptacular episode of Next Food Network Star!
The show opened with everyone complaining about Chris being annoying – and with Penny doing her hair in the middle of the upstairs hallway. We’re off to a great start here, folks.
For the camera challenge, the contestants had to make a savory dinner out of HERSHEY’S chocolate products, and then present it in front of the camera. The word HERSHEY’S was mentioned about 9.2 billion times. Also, Jeff wore a tacky red headband to catch his gross sweat, and Vic Vegas dipped his asparagus in chocolate.
Alicia bombed in front of the camera (shocking), and Justin once again delivered a performance that was flatter than Jillian Michaels’ stomach.
Chris, on the other hand, WROTE HIS RECIPES ON HIS HAND before his camera presentation. I guess that’s a tactic you have to resort to when you have more items on your plate than you do brain cells in your head.
Jyll was the winner of the challenge. And in a related story, the phrase “JYLLICIOUS COOKING” still makes me want to kill myself.
The contestants then headed back to the “butler’s pantry” … which is just code for “tacky set with the ugliest wall art ever.” White plates under an Ikea spotlight? REALLY, FOOD NETWORK?
While in the “butler’s pantry” Vic took a moment to lament his continued poor performance. He said, “I’ve never been on the bottom so much.” Well, except for that one time in college, but that was just a phase.
Next, Douche Goldman and Douche Irvine showed up on set. Douche Goldman explained that the challenge was going to be about his “favorite thing ever.” No, not Taco Bell burritos at 3 AM after an evening of bong hits on the roof of his bakery… but dessert.
Next, the 12 contestants were split into two teams (Chris, in case you’re reading this, that’s six people per team.) Jyll picked the teams since she won the HERSHEY’S CHOCOLATE challenge. She chose to work with Duff, and picked all the girls but Penny to be on her team. Penny and the boys were on team Robert.
On the girl’s side, Alicia came up with the brilliant idea of making cupcakes on a stick. On the guy’s side, Vic Vegas referred to Anne Burrell as “Chris’s girlfriend.”
For the most part, while cooking, the girls were calm, cool, and collected. The guys, however, were hooting and hollering like they were in a bowling alley. Robert Irvine came into the kitchen and demoted Chris, who was the leader, because he was doing such a bad job. Justin B took over and did a decent job, but in all fairness, Kim Kardashian’s left ass cheek would have commanded more respect than Chris did in the kitchen. And that’s a fact.
Chris really had a rough night. Both his batches of cakes were ruined, and he dropped a bunch of his food while carrying it into the walk-in refrigerator. Also, he served the judges the UGLIEST PIE ON THE PLANET. It seriously looked like a severed, infected bull penis. Delish!
For the most part, the food sucked. The 150 diners really hated the dishes prepared by the women, and Penny actually went so far as to pick through the garbage to see how many guests threw away Alicia’s nasty cupcakes. One diner in particular had some harsh words for Alicia:
And poor Mary Beth. She was not confident at all about her nasty milkshake. I think it’s safe to say it definitely did NOT bring all the boys to the yard.
Bobby Flay thought her shake was too watery, and said, “Milkshakes have to be very thick.” That’s right, Mary Beth. Your milkshakes are supposed to look like this completely undrinkable milkshake served to me at Bobby’s Burger Palace at Mohegan Sun in July, 2009, which was basically one minuscule scoop of barely-blended ice cream aimlessly bobbing in a sea of watery milk:
Susie forgot to buy oil to fry her churros, so she made pancakes out of the batter instead. Unfortunately, it didn’t work – and it ultimately resulted in Susie Fogelson making this incredibly flattering face:
Also, Robert Irvine’s team wowed him by creating an edible, life-size replica of his penis as a tribute to him:
Okay, I’m just kidding. It was really an underwhelming dish conceived by Jason B: skewered bacon dipped in chocolate. I took some creative liberties there because these 90 minute episodes really DRAG LIKE A BITCH.
Despite the lame bacon on a skewer, Robert Irvine’s guys actually won the challenge. That must be a new feeling for Irvine… that whole “winning” thing, eh?
The bottom 3 performers of the night were Alicia, Mary Beth, and Susie. None of them will win the competition and they all should be sent home as soon as possible… but tonight, ALICIA WAS THE ONE SENT HOME. Too bad, so sad.
Stay tuned next week when Paula Deen shows up looking like this. THE HORROR!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Next Food Network Star: Episode #702 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #701 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #705 Recap
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #707 Recap (The One Where Wolfgang Puck Was A Douche)
---Next Food Network Star: Episode #710 Recap (Iron Chef)
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