Letters To FNH »
What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
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We get a lot of colorful, idiotic, and just plain WTF e-mails here at FNH, so every few months I like to share the contents of my inbox with you guys in a segment called “LETTERS TO FNH.” Here are 11 more letters for this latest installment of inbox cheers and jeers!
1) You do not want to know how much I hate this website. If I ever meet a Food Network chef I’ll show then this website. So watch out idiots. Please reply I want to know why you do this, to these people. They’ve never done anything to you. -Emily
No, Emily! Please do not show this website to a Food Network chef! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
2) Hi FNH. I happened to be at Wal-Mart yesterday and I saw the Duff Goldman Blue Bunny ice cream line in the freezer section. My husband was morbidly curious as to what they tasted like, so we tried the I Do I Do Wedding Cake flavor. Now, the Blue Bunny website says that it is supposed to taste like “the marriage of sweet buttercream frosting flavored ice cream and white cake pieces all wrapped up in delicate ribbons of raspberry sauce.” What we decided is that it tasted more like the really fatty, cloyingly sweet icing found on cheap grocery store cakes. The cake part was soggy and spongy, and the raspberry swirl was more like colored corn syrup with artificial raspberry flavoring. For the nearly $6 we spent on that ice cream, we could have gotten some Ciao Bella or Ben and Jerry’s that was actually NOT disgusting. -Jenna
Jenna, I’m really sorry your Blue Bunny ice cream was nasty. Perhaps in the future you’ll think twice about buying frozen edibles from a grown man who signs his name with a heart.
3) Dear FNH, Please make a posting of Scott Conant’s ridiculously tight suit jackets. He can barely move his arms. It looks like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy doing the “fat guy in a little coat” bit. I’ve never seen such unnatural dress for a tv personality. -Kenneth
Never noticed it. Perhaps that’s because I make it a point to not watch shows that feature actual moving video footage of Scott Conant.
4) Jillian, I just witnessed the creepiest and most disgusting episode of Triple D, called BBQ & MORE. At one point, Guy FERRY actually said: “that was so good, I am going to need to shampoo my goatee.” That was probably the grossest thing I have ever heard on a food show. If you get a chance to view this program (I am advising you not to, or just for sheer curiosity), make sure to have a pen and paper to write down the worst moments (I wish I would have). -Jake
Jake, that does sound horrific. However, I’m in favor of anything that actually gets him to wash his nasty, crusty goatee. That thing looks like it hasn’t seen soap and water since the Reagan administration.
5) I don’t know if you can do anything with it, but I grabbed this lovely image of Ray-Ray over-pronouncing the word “cheese” during the opening segment of the “30 Minute Meals” episode “Never Had It So Good,” broadcast June 11. -Ed
Take it down a notch, Ray-Ray. For real. You’re at a 9. We need you at a 2.
6) I watched the Nate Berkus show with Aaron on the show. He cooked fried okra and served a dipping sauce but the recipe was not given on the air nor was it on the Berkus web site. Please send it to me or tell me where I can find it. Thank you so much, Diana.
Does it say “NATE BERKUS INFORMATIONAL WEBSITE” at the top of this page? BISH PLEASE!
7) Hi Jill, I work for Disney and was appalled by a recent announcement on our company homepage that Sandra Lee just signed a multi-book deal with our publishing house Hyperion. ARE YOU KIDDING?! The drunk of the Food Network getting a bigger opportunity to sell her semi-homemade jokes of a meal? Why do we keep encouraging these mediocre people?! Gah!!! -anonymous
Hyperion published my book Damn You Autocorrect! That means I actually have something in common with Sandra Lee! THE HORROR!
8) Just look at this awful thing-rachael made this on an old episode of 30 min meals, a big wedge of iceberg with cocktail sauce mixed with mayo and tiny shrimp all over it..if she were on next foodnetwork star now as a contender there’s no way the judges would go for this slop! -Beth
Ew. That looks neither Yum-o nor Delish. DO NOT WANT.
9) Jill, two locations of “Soul Daddy”, the restaurant Bobby Flay and the creepy pedo-looking guy from Chipotle picked as America’s Next Great Restaurant, have closed after only two months. The NYC location closed on 6/14 and the LA location closed 6/15. FAIL. -Troy
I’m not surprised! The show got awful ratings, and people hate gimmicks almost as much as people in Savannah hate Paula Deen.
10) If I ever saw this in a skillet, I’d head for the hills. Seriously. If nothing else is worthy of a second take, the Phantom Sandra in the oil certainly is. -Ali
The stuff nightmares are made of!
11) Do you know how I would go about pitching a new food show idea? -M Lavoie
Yeah. I do. First, you come up with a really shitty idea, and/or an idea that’s already been done 25 times before. Then, you start blogging about it. Then, you start shooting videos of yourself blogging about it. Then, you just start E-MAILING RANDOM STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET LOOKING FOR ADVICE until eventually Susie Fogelson responds to you and decides if your face would look good on a jar of marinara.
Good luck with that.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
---What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
---What’s In My Inbox: A Rant About Cupcake Wars
---Aaaaand, Here We Go Again (More Letters To FNH)
- Letters To FNH
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78 Responses
That Emily in from the first letter seemed a little scary.
I disagree with Jenna. I tried the Wedding Cake Blue Bunny and it was delicious. It reminded me of the Godiva White Chocolate Raspberry ice cream that is no longer being produced.
I LOVED that.white chocolate raspberry That douche goldman abortion tastes NOTHING like it!
Is there a place on this website where I can apply to be Robert Irvine’s assistant? I want to cook for the Queen too!
Why yes, there is! That place is known by many names. “Your Imagination”, “Your Wildest Dreams”, “The intersection of Bullsh*t Alley and I Don’t Think So Lane”…those are the places where Robert Irvine cooked for the Queen.
Speaking of tight jackets, has anyone ever noticed that Adam Richman’s body keeps getting bigger but his clothes stay the same size? My husband likes to watch this show from time to time and all I can think about while it’s on is how he can possibly move his arms wearing those skin-tight casual jackets.
Saw a recent add for a new show or something that he is doing. Took me a second to recognize him.
His newest show involves him watching other people compete in disgusting food challenges. He might have noticed the same thing about his ill-fitting clothes from last season and decided to call it quits and let other people get fat!
If Adam isn’t the one stuffing his face, then he should be dropping some lbs., and quick.
yeahhh.. he ballooned. :’(
It’s like Richman doesn’t want to admit he’s put on a few pounds. He looks like an over stuffed summer sausage.
Everyone thinks Conant’s jackets are too tight? Did anyone ever catch the “Paula’s Party” Episode where he was on? He literally had his dress shirt unbuttoned to his waist. Gnarly chest hair and all, it was a tribute to mid life crisis’ everywhere.
I can’t hate on Conant. His douchebag sassiness makes me get the vapours somethin’ fierce.
Hey, Emily, have you ever heard of electroshock therapy? I hear it works wonders for those among us who are humor-challenged.
he he he
Dear God that shrimp looks raw!
That shrimp over a lettuce wedge (cocktail sauce mixed with mayo?! – *barf)* is seriously disgusting.
I believe the term Ray Ray would use is “barf-o.”
The sad thing is, even before I read the mail, I knew that it was a Ray-ray abortion from the picture alone.
The person who asked question #6 has NO skills apparently. The okra recipe is there, on Nate’s site; he appeared with Allison Janney and Octavia Spencer, to promote their new movie, ‘The Help’. Here is the okra recipe, if anyone is interested: http://www.thenateshow.com/photos/southern-cooking-with-allison-janney-octavia-spencer-and-aaron-mccargo/#3
It looks ok to me, to be honest! Not a fan of either, but I do loves me some fried okra! (<<–I'm from the South; it is allowed. ;-) )
Okra (and eggplant) are my crack (I love okra better, tho’) but I think you have to love slimy vegetables. Most Americans don’t!
Srsly, tho’, drooling at the thought of a nice okra’n'tomatoes right now. And I’m from the North.
You know I watch FN 24/7 because it has brainwashed me. However, after going to your website I have spent more time on here then watching the shows. I would like to personally thank you for that…except now I am watching shows and I notice all the horrible shit they make. Oh hey Guy Ferry is on!
That would be “Fi-etti”.
I’m with you Zombie. I also watch FN all the time… much to my husband’s dismay. I now watch with a new eye.
Fiettttttttti, Giada’s over-enunciation of words, it never stops…
Thank you, Jill, for bringing a new level of delight to my day. :)
Everytime I see Duff’s “signature”, my eyes always read “Muff”. Not good.
Seeing that ugly fat porcine face on an ice cream container is good reason to boycott Blue Bunny.
I can’t deal with Scott Conant. I think he’s a prick of the highest magnitude. I’ve never seen anyone freak out about pasta the way he does. For christ’s sake…it’s pasta. It’s the sauce that makes the dish, IMO.
Didn’t someone here say that they ate at his restaurant and a bowl of spaghetti was $13(?), and it wasn’t that good?
I read that shit was like $30 for a half full bowl of pasta and sauce. Fuck that. The asshole probably dumped it out of a can of Chef Boyardee.
Prick, yes. Very large one stuffed into a very small suit. And the way he reads the lines, holy crap. Stiff and stultified much? Ever hear of memorizing and practicing? What a royal asshole.
I would pay money to see Ray Ray get punched in the neck. I don’t believe I am alone here.
No, Kurt. You are not.
Mpore like, “Punch her down the neck with a massive cock,” amirite?
Okay. I only need about forty bucks though. Actually, I’d punch her for free, but I would need some gas money. :)
Have you actually been to Savannah to ask how much people hate Paula Deen? I was in Savannah. I asked. Oooooooh boy. Won’t do that again!
I also noticed that The Lady & Sons didn’t exactly have a line around the block. Or on the stairs at the front door. Or inside. They were open and as empty as Sandra Lee’s soul.
I’m going to drop into Savannah next month for lunch. I’ll wave to Paula as I drive past her place to some restaurant worth visiting.
“empty as Sandra Lee’s soul” LMFAO!
i got dragged to the lady & sons by my ex on a vacation in savannah. there was indeed a line around the block. we actually had to get in line at 8am to get a ticket for the privilege of waiting in another line at lunchtime. but i think that was because we had the misfortune of showing up on a day that she and her sons were there doing a book signing.
Paula Deen is a blight on the landscape. And her food sucks. And her accent is phonier than a $3 bill.
My grandson-of-Savannah coworker (he himself grew up in NE Mass, near the NH border) can’t stop talking about how awesome Paula Deen’s buffet in Savannah is. I take it he makes a pilgrimage there every time he visits the fam. This man has two spare tires–classic apple body–looks like he’s working on a case of steatohepatosis for the history books. (Think the Texas dude with the cutout for his beer belly, this is exactly my coworker’s body shape.)
I asked him about The Pink House once. Never heard of it.
You need to publish these WAY more frequently! They were fantastic!
On another note..I was in “Michael’s” which is a craft store on the East Coast (don’t know if it’s national or not) and was just browsing. Suddenly, over the loudspeaker-they start playing an advertisement from Duff himself…all about buying his cake materials.
I promptly left. They should really seek endorsement elsewhere.
I had to go to Michael’s for yarn and saw Duff’s fat ugly face on fondant and other overpriced shit to make cake. I saw on his website once (morbid curiosity) that he sells something called a “cake for two” for $250. The guy is fucking insane, and people who buy his shit are even more insane.
http://www.charmcitycakes.com/cakesfortwo
My idiot brother-in-law is buying his wedding cake from them. You have to pay $50 for a tasting, that you have to schedule at least a month in advance, and they don’t even give you a variety to try. They handed them a bag with saran-wrapped mini cakes and 2 plastic forks, to taste later! How they maintain business in the ghetto of Baltimore with those business practices is beyond me.
Might as well call his shop Charm City Fondant. I find it vile that those people have their exposed hands all over cakes, all the time- smooshing, tearing, smoothing, blowing on…. Health code violations aren’t a big deal to hipster townies, apparently.
I honestly think that no one eats those cakes. They are like strawberries out of season…look good, taste nasty
The horror of fondant…
Haha, reminds me of a wonderful outbreak of the asplodey shits in SW Boston. It was traced back to a cake decorator who had the runs and didn’t stay home the requisite 3 weeks (or just use basic hygiene, by Jove it works, people!). Hahahaha, go to social event, spend next week in and out of ICU getting fluids replaced.
Of course we know this story because the health inspectors actually investigated. I live in Florida now (regressive taxes!) and–funny story–there are no health inspectors.
Your response to number eleven sounds exactly like what you’re doing. Pot calling the kettle black, much?
Are there other funny, witty sites hating on Food Network that I’m unaware of? Am I missing her videos? Did I miss the part where Jill said that she wanted a food show? Do you know for a fact that she’s emailing random strangers? In short…what the FUCK are you talking about? Something here hit a nerve? I’m pretty sure nobody’s holding a gun to your head and forcing you to read this site if you don’t like it.
I’m guessing you’re M. Lavoie who wrote #11.
I read that the Soul Daddy at Mall of America closed on June 28. So all three locations are done. A commenter on one news article said the show was more about promoting Chipotle, Bobby Flay, and the other judges than it was about actually developing a restaurant. I agree. Instead of tweaking the menu and concept, NBC and ANGR took the easy way out and pulled the plug on the restaurants. I watched the show and liked it, but now I look at it as a sham and a commercial for Chipotle.
Yup. Jamawn got jobbed. It’s all fun until you screw up someone’s life.
Seriously, investors are supposed to be able to sustain losses in a new business for a year or two. This lasted, what, a MONTH?
My husband went to the MoA branch when he was in town for business not long after the finale aired. He wasn’t impressed with any of it. I looked at the menu online, and I wasn’t impressed either. In fact, I was angry. These four self-important investors went on and on and ON about having the right menu items and nitpicking everything, and offering their supposedly superior opinions on what sort of things would appeal to the American public. And then the final product ended up being a steaming pile of crap.
now, i hate bobby flay as much as the next guy, but i do feel the need to point out that the mall of america probably wasn’t the best location for this restaurant. i’ve spent WAY too much time at the mall of america, and know from experience that the cost to rent space for a store there is ridiculously, irrationally high- most stores/restaurants place themselves there not for profit but to have their name included. also, the location of this restaurant within the mall was less than ideal- it was in a section that they’re working hard to revamp, but which is really just a dark, forgotten hallway which most people don’t stroll through unless you have a specific destination in mind.
Jillian, this is way off topic. I hope you are so busy and sought after that you don’t even have time to think about this, but I miss your podcasts, dammit. Really, it is not fair to tease us with such enjoyment then take it away. But, I understand. How about a FNH podcast reunion show? :)
Hi Audra,
I miss doing them! The truth is these days I hardly have time to watch Food Network, let alone podcast about it! Things are going to calm down in the fall and I hope to start them back up then.
Thanks for the reply. I wish you continued success! Should you decide to continue with the podcasts in the fall, I know your fans would love it. The new sites are great, by the way.
I’m really looking forward to seeing (or hearing) your opinion of the Pioneer Woman show once it starts to air. I’ve made some of her recipes (they were really good), but no doubt she’s going to be over-produced and over-exposed
I didn’t know the Pioneer Woman was getting a show! Is it going to be on FN? Hope they don’t make us hate her like they have with so many others.
Please. There are enough reasons to hate PW as it is — she’s as fake as they come. A millionaire rancher’s wife, who has tutors to “homeschool” her kids and employees to “write” her website (and sanitize it, no dissenting voices allowed!). “Her” recipes are lifted straight from community or church cookbooks with the addition of a few pats of butter and NO attribution. Want to know why she remodeled the “guest house”? To put in a TV studio. And her sheeple think she’s so “real” and “down to earth.” Help me Rhonda! Check out thepioneerwomansux.com and marlborowoman.com and your eyes will be opened. =)
You should publish Emily’s email address for us.
dumb.ass@hotmail.com
God, Rachael’s mouth looks like a distended anus… with teeth!
And sticking two of her pudgy fingers up doesn’t help.
I’m amazed at these FN chefs hawking products to make more money. Giada’s pasta and sauce that you pay double/triple because her name’s on it.
Duff selling his overpriced crap at craft stores like he’s the next Wilton. Ray, Ferry, Bobby, Paula etc hawing hams, bakeware, knives, etc. Don’t they make enough money??? God, it makes me sick to see all the greed.
What’s really gets me is Paula critiquing the food on the next FNS. Like she’s an actual chef!!!
She made and sold tuna sandwiches out of her house. How does that make her an expert on food???
Jillian posted my favorite awhile back….a box of all purpose flour in a box emblazoned with Paula Deen’s uber-Photoshopped mug. FLOUR. And it cost twice as much as store brand flour.
I’m just wondering Jillian, when was the last time you had sex? Because someone like you who seems to have a stick up your ass looks like your in need of a good romp. Then maybe you wouldn’t have to base you life’s work on hating on someone who is more successful than you.
And I know that you don’t “baby” people, as you’ve mentioned in posts before, but neither do I. You talk about how someone like Guy Ferry can be successful for being a douchebag, but you are probably in the same magnitude of douchebaggery for talking bad about people you’ve only seen on television.
I used to like your site, but then I realized, it’s kind of annoying hearing someone whine and bitch about something. Kind of like a woman Bill O’Reilly except you bitch about television.
I’ve never had sex. Perhaps I should try it. Is your mother available for lessons?
I bet she’s not. After she had you she probably swore it off forever.
Cheers!
Laughing myself sick! Omgoodness….I thought “your momma” jokes were over, but you brought them back with a vengeance!
Cheers!
Ok… I normally don’t bother responding to idiots in the comments section, but today is your lucky day Pigeon Boy. My first problem is your obvious hypocrisy in that you claim Jill has a stick up her ass, but you start a tirade with baseless insults which be more indicative of the rod up your ass having a rod up it’s ass(aka assception). I’ve dealt with your kind before. Only someone with below average IQ would come to a site with the word “humor” in the name and then complain about the satire contained within said site. I hate people like you. I hate people who can’t take a god damn joke joke. If you were in front of me right now, I would choke you just for not understanding what satire is. And as a completely jacked 210 pound soldier, you would stand absolutely no chance of survival against me, there is no argument there. But that’s irrelevant because you’re obviously the kind of guy who thinks he’s tough on the internet but I know that you would never have the balls to say it in real life.
What’s joke joke? Twice as funny as a regular ol’ joke?
Haha obviously a typo, but thanks for pointing it out. I honestly didn’t catch it. Does seem rather odd to have a duplicate word in there. Maybe when I was editing I accidentally copied? Dunno…
PIG eon BOY,
Will your mother take a personal check for those lessons?
Tyler, is that you?
Email #10 – Are we sure that is oil and not Paula pissing in a pan? Knowing her intake level of fats, she probably pees melted butter. I truly think that is what is really going on in the picture.
I don’t want to sound bad, but I live and go to school in Savannah, the people don’t hate her there; but if you ask them about her restaurant, you will be taught that it is strictly a tourist place. Its true, people line up there at line, 8 in the morning to get a place at the table when it opens at 11.
Mrs. Wilkes House is the place to go! EVERYONE there recommends it! Or 17Hundred90.
I ate there once back when Paula’s Home Cooking first came on, before she became such a total caricature of herself. I got there at 11 am and had to make a reservation for 2 pm. The fried chicken was good but otherwise…eh, not that amazing.
Mrs. Wilkes House, OTOH, is THE place to go. Agreed on that one!
R-Ray looks like she’s gettin her goatee washed…. Just sayin!!
Thanks for posting my email Jill!
-Jake
Mine too, Jill!
- Ed
I HATE YOU JILL! I SHOWED IT TO BOBBY FLAY! U ARE SO DEAD
I saw this chunk of a salad with pinkies(newborn baby mice) on the website “Worst Thing I Ever Ate”…if i remember right it was featured twice, just quarter of a lettuce head with some tiny pieces of other vegetables and sauce
Dude. The fact the person in #2 considered to buy Blue Bunny ice cream is insane. Everyone should know by now Blue Bunny ice cream sucks ass. It doesn’t matter whose face is on BB ice cream, I wouldn’t eat it if someone paid me too (well maybe…)