[This was written and submitted by the hilarious Joe Cristalli. To read more of his work, hit him up at his blog Rejecting Sobriety.]

Recently, I was a contestant on the television show Chopped. Chopped is that show on Food Network where chefs have to make dishes with crazy ingredients. If you succeed without getting Chopped in the appetizer, entrée and dessert courses, you win ten thousand dollars!

I wanted to share my experience with all of you.

Ted Allen, the host of the show, welcomes me and my three competitors and tells us to open up our mystery baskets. As I open the basket I hear Ted proclaim, “Today’s mystery ingredients include: bosc pears, arugula, white wine vinegar, and a human foot. You have 20 minutes and your time starts, now!”

Whoa! I was not expecting this in the first basket. Not only are pears not really in my wheelhouse, but how the heck was I going to combine them with white wine vinegar? This is shaping up to be…. wait a second. Did he say a human foot?

That can’t be right. I quickly look left and right and all three of my competitors are furiously working. Two of them have taken to chopping up the foot while the third seems to be sautéing it. I start to panic. Just breathe, Cristalli…you can do this.

I decide I’m going to make a salad for the appetizer course. I love a good summer salad and I think the bosc pears matched with some walnuts and Gorgonzola would work really nicely with the arugula base. I’ll reduce the white wine vinegar and make a nice vinaigrette for the salad. OK, OK, I have a plan. I’m fine.

Oh wait, I’m not fine. I have to include a freaking foot! How am I going to incorporate a human foot in an imaginative way? Maybe I could cook some sole-food. Ha-ha… no time for jokes! There’s ten thousand dollars on the line!

As I’m freaking out, Ted walks by and asks if this basket is keeping me on my toes. I’m still trying to figure out what to do with the foot, but politely laugh at Ted’s joke.

Ted announces there are three minutes left. How the F did that happen? It’s fine, I’m fine. The arugula’s been tossed with the vinaigrette and the pears are chopped. The Gorgonzola is cut and the walnuts are giving the entire dish a nice crunch. Now the foot. I’m just not sure how I can incorporate it without…

Just then Ted yells out that we have ten seconds left. Oh. My. God! This foot needs to get on my plate now! I throw the foot down as time expires.

I did it! I finished my dish! I can’t believe it. I came on this show with very little experience and almost no credentials. I’m so elated! Not only did I finish, but I made something I’m proud to serve. I’m in such a state of euphoria that absolutely nothing could bring me down off this high.

We bring our plates to the judges who immediately decide that I’m the loser.

Damnit! I really thought I nailed my foot salad. As I fight to hold back tears, the judges give their critiques of my dish…

	“While I appreciated the bold flavors, I could not overlook the fact that you decided to leave the toenails on. That’s an unacceptable mistake. Your technique was poor and it was a messy execution overall. Also, are you aware that you didn’t use hot sauce at all? That is unacceptable.” – Aaron Sanchez
	“I don’t want to sound like a dick, but your salad tastes like a foot. Did you even attempt to season it? I’m actually fine with all this blood, because it gives the dish a much needed acidity, but you should have combated that acidity with something a little sweet. Also, it seems like Aaron got more foot than I did. I barely have any foot on this plate. I’m not happy.” – Scott Conant
	“This foot is out of bounds! You just gave me a one way ticket to flavor country! This thing is crazy good!” -Guy Fieri

Frankly, I had a fantastic time on the show. Even though I didn’t win, I’m definitely going to use what I learned to help build my culinary chops. Besides, I never would have made it through the next two rounds. In the entree round the ingredients were: lamb chops, a dozen eggs, rosemary and an apple iPod. Ridiculous. And if that wasn’t tough, the dessert course featured: chocolate beer, purple potatoes, ketchup and a vile of the HIV virus. I mean, seriously? How in the heck would I have made a dessert with ketchup?

Ha-ha, no I’m kidding. It’s probably way harder to cook with AIDS.

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