Sandra Lee »
Another year, another Sandra Lee Halloween show! This year, the whole “semi-homemade” schtick was completely dropped, because frankly, there wasn’t anything “homemade” about the “recipes” featured. The show was simply called “Sandra’s Halloween Wonderland” and it was basically just 60 minutes of cocktails, stories about Cher, and Sandra Lee talking to inanimate objects.
And now, on with the review!
The show kicked off with Sandra Lee as Alice in Wonderland, waking up from a horrible nightmare:
She was clearly shaken up. Who could blame her? And what better way to calm your nerves than with a “Dreamscape Magical Mojito” cocktail? Like she said, she is Sandra Lee, after all.
Sandy totally winged the entire segment, and suggested we give fun names to the ingredients in the drink. For example, the raspberries were “firefly blood” and the strawberries were “dragons blood.” Naturally, the sugar was “Paula Deen blood” and the vanilla vodka was “Sandra Lee’s tears.”
Even Sandra Lee got confused while making the cocktail, because she mistakenly referred to the raspberries as “dragon’s blood.” DUH, SANDRA, YOU ALREADY ESTABLISHED THE RASPBERRIES WERE FIREFLY BLOOD. Can’t you follow your own ridiculous ingredient list?
Next, Sandra went roaming around the yard and (gasp!) fell into a rabbit hole.
She came out the other end as…
Sandra, dressed as a cross between a rejected Bravo TV Millionaire Housewife and a Toddlers and Tiaras pageant mom, whipped up the next recipe: magical mushroom pots. They were just candy sticks shoved into floral styrofoam with a meringue stuck on top. It ended up looking like something a 5 year old would have made in arts and crafts. While making them, Sandra actually exclaimed: “What is an adult party without magical mushrooms?” Yeah. Insert your own joke here.
After the commercial break, Sandra came marching back onto the set. WITH A HORSE.
Sandra said, “The best part of Halloween is that I get to be Cher!” Really? I don’t see the connection. I guess I didn’t realize Cher was into farm animals.
Anyway, the next segment was basically just a condensed version of Cher’s Wikipedia page. Like a schoolgirl with a crush, Sandra gushed over Cher and called her the most “far out and cool woman in showbiz.” She also said how impressed she was with the fact that Cher and Sonny had careers of their own… and how Cher wasn’t attracted to Sonny at first but ended up loving him anyway. Sandra left out the part where she was like… “OMG, JUST LIKE ME AND ANDREW CUOMO!” but if you read between Sandra Lee’s transparent lines, it was totally there.
Sandra made a sandwich cookie during the segment, and said it came out “beautiful – just like every season of the Sonny and Cher show.” After the first 5 minutes, the Cher-fawning crossed the line from ordinary fan-dom into plain ol’ creepy and weird. Lock your doors, Cher. Lock your doors.
Sandra Lee also tried to do an impression of Cher mid-way through the segment. Sadly, it looked less like “Cher” and more like “help – I just suffered a stroke.”
She ended the Cher segment by making ANOTHER cocktail as a “tribute” to Sonny for “giving us Cher.” Last I checked, you should be thanking Cher’s mother’s vagina for that, but what do I know.
Next up, Sandra came out dressed as a creepy ghost. Oh, and girlfriend had a detailed back story and everything.
You see, she was an ex-pirate who died in Vienna in the 1400s and – as a result of stealing a cursed necklace – spent the last 500 years roaming the halls of an old house alone. That is, of course, except for her phoenix… her only companion… the only creature who could stand her cooking.
Sandra said she died in 1430, and her curse was to spend eternity in a tight corset. Silly spirits. If they really wanted to punish her, they should have sentenced her to a lifetime of Ace of Cakes reruns.
While she drizzled icing on pre-made angel food cakes, Sandra said she was “560 years old.” Really? Because if she died in 1430, she’s already been dead for 581 years. Clearly math isn’t her strong suit, or all the vodka has gone to her brain. But couldn’t anyone else on that set do basic math? First the dragon’s blood confusion, and now this? NONSENSE!
Sandra lee wrapped the segment by making yet ANOTHER cocktail. Clearly she needed to be calmed down after all the heavy mathematics.
Next, Sandra Lee came out dressed as Lucille Ball in the iconic grape-stomping episode. So original!
During this scene, Sandra made – you guessed it – TWO more cocktails! First, she made a pumpkin sangria. Want to make it yourself at home? Easy! Just dump 92 bottles of alcohol – and a dash of pumpkin spice – into a pumpkin shaped jug and call it a day.
Sandra noted that “when Lucy was alive, she would have loved to have given this to Ethel.” Yeah. To kill her.
The real stars of the scene were Sandra’s Pumpkin Jello Shots. You know, because we’re all 17 years old watching her show to get some cool tips on how to get hammered the next time our parents leave town.
Sadly, these were, by far, the grossest Jello shots I’ve ever seen. She put whole cherries in one batch (ew!) and poured the rest of the gelatin mix onto a baking sheet. She then tried to cut the Jello shots out using a pumpkin shaped cookie cutter. How did they come out? Drumroll, please:
What do you think of those Jello shots, Aunt Sandy?
Yep. Pretty much.
The next scene was “Christmas at Halloween.” Sandra Lee was supposed to be Santa Claus’ sister, Aunt Sandyclaus. Feel free to roll your eyes as necessary.
Sandy, er – Aunt Sandyclaus, made “sugarplum pops.” What are those? Why, they’re just Rice Krispie treats rolled into balls, and then dumped into melted white chocolate. You know, in case your “magical mushrooms” from earlier in the show didn’t quite fill you up.
While making the glorified Rice Krispie treats, Sandra also shared some groundbreaking information about Santa. As it turns out, his favorite color is red – and his favorite place is the North Pole. And I’ve got $100 on the fact that his favorite show is not on the Food Network.
Next, Sandra came out dressed as the Mad Hatter… though at some points, she ended up looking more like Madonna with really unfortunate hair.
She closed the show by making not one, but TWO cocktails. The first was a rum, tequila, and coconut drink that she gulped right down. And finally, she poured about 12 different kinds of alcohol into a gigantic watering can – and then proceeded to pour it out all over a vase. I’m not sure what was more surprising: that she didn’t just start drinking it right out of the can, or that she ultimately let all that perfectly good vodka go to waste!
Sandra wrapped things up by showing a close-up shot of one of her “magical mushrooms.” A clever ending – or a message to her critics? We may never know!
And that brought this year’s Halloween show to an end! What did you think of it? Let us know in the comments!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Details About Sandra Lee’s 2010 Halloween Show
---Sandra Lee’s Renaissance Halloween Costumes
---Sandra Lee’s Halloween Costumes
---Sandra Lee’s Halloween Costumes: A Photo Journey
---The Sandra Lee Pumpkin
- Sandra Lee