Next Iron Chef »
Another year, another season of Next Iron Chef! This time, 10 well-known celebrity chefs are competing for the title: Anne Burrell, Michael Chiarello, Elizabeth Falkner, Chuck Hughes, Spike Mendelsohn, Marcus Samuelsson, Alex Guarnaschelli, Robert Irvine, Beau Macmillan, and the guy with four (4!) fireplaces, Geoffrey Zakarian.
Back to host is Alton Brown.
Here’s how it works: every week, the chefs will compete in a wild and crazy “Chairman’s Challenge” (think “Extreme Chef” but with people who actually have talent). The two worst performers in that challenge will then compete in a head-to-head sudden death challenge. Whoever loses sudden death is then eliminated.
Spike won the match draw, and chose Marcus as his teammate for the first challenge. He then assigned the rest of the teams: Anne/Robert, Michael/Beau, Alex/Elizabeth, and Beau/Geoffrey.
For the Chairman’s Challenge, the chefs were transported to “the wilderness” (code for “a lake in Orange County, California”). Each team was given an entire pig and limited pantry items, and was asked to create 2 dishes in 90 minutes. Beau somehow managed to roll his ankle and injure himself within the first 30 seconds of the challenge. Robert stole all the kindling. And Geoffrey bragged about the fact that he was building his team’s fire “BECAUSE HE HAS FOUR FIREPLACES IN HIS HOUSE.” Oh. Well excuuuuuuuuse me. Would you like a cookie?
Mind you, this is the same guy who filed bankruptcy earlier this year, presumably to dodge a class action lawsuit from restaurant employees whom he allegedly failed to pay. But he has four fucking fireplaces!
Meanwhile, the cooking continued. Guarnaschelli was upset that she burned an entire pig leg. Anne planned the entire menu for her team while Robert just followed her orders. And Marcus/Spike simmered their pork dish in buckets of LAKE WATER. Yum!
With just a few minutes left to go in the challenge, Chiarello ran off into the wilderness to gather up some “wild hyacinth” he spotted on his way in. Say it with me: “of course he did.”
The judges for the show are: the token Iron Chef who has the inside scoop (Michael Symon), the token overly-critical guy with the exotic accent (Simon Majumdar), and the token Asian lady who likes everything put in front of her (Judy Joo).
The judges said Robert and Anne didn’t serve their skin crispy enough. Michael and Chuck didn’t serve enough pig ears in their salad. Marcus and Spike cooked in LAKE WATER, and served “anorexic” chops. Alex/Elizabeth served one good dish and one bad dish. But the judges loved both dishes that Geoffrey and Beau put in front of them.
The most nauseating part of the 90 minute show came when Michael Symon told Geoffrey there was a lot of “finesse” in his dish. Geoffrey then slyly turned to the camera and flashed a grin, as if to say, “You hear that, world? MY DISH HAD FINESSE, BITCHES.”
Of course, Geoffrey and Beau were named the winners. The bottom performers were Spike and Marcus, so they had to compete in a 30-minute sudden death challenge using scallops. It was totally awkward, because the other 8 competitors were standing around in the background watching them and cheering them on. There was a lot of Beau Macmillan being all “little league dad” and screaming “YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU GOT THIS. GOOD EYE. GOOD EYE.”
In the end, it was a close battle, but SPIKE was the one sent home. And then there were 9.
Stay tuned next week, when the chefs create stadium food at the San Diego Padres ballpark! Hopefully, the obnoxious hashtag – and dying whale door noises – will be gone!
Early FNH predictions: You’ll never, ever convince me the winner isn’t predetermined before the first episode films (hey, I’m a skeptic and I’ve been around the television block a time or two). Television is run by executives who care about profit, and that is all. Therefore, the winner will have to be someone entertaining to watch – which eliminates boring people like Chiarello and Samuelsson. The winner will also have to be someone the public will embrace and recognize, which eliminates people like Chuck Hughes and Geoffrey Zakarian. And right now, there are no female Iron Chefs. The Food Network won’t want to be labeled sexist, so I’m thinking a woman WILL win this season. The only three women are Anne Burrell, Alex Guarnaschelli, and Elizabeth Falkner. We’ll see how it plays out!
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 2)
---Anne Burrell, Robert Irvine, and Alex Guarnaschelli Will Compete To Become The Next Iron Chef
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 4)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 6)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 7)
- Next Iron Chef