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Who The F**k Is Tess Middlebrook?
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The FNH inbox has been blowing up about an annoying Chopped: Halloween contestant named Tess Middlebrook. I haven’t been watching the series, so I have no idea what you guys are talking about. But FNH reader Jenn included one of Middlebrook’s videos along with her email, and frankly, it made my soul blacken and die a little.
Take it away, Jenn:
Not sure if you’ve been watching the “Chopped Halloween” episodes , but the reason that one of the episodes was so terrible (to me) was because of Tess Middlebrook. The young, blonde chick who thinks she’s the next Lucille Ball. The thing is – she made me cringe from the second she opened her mouth. She’s so PAINFULLY unfunny that for the first time I actually rooted for someone (her) to get chopped first so I wouldn’t have to watch her for more than one round. I was OFFENDED by her desperate attempts at humor. The judges made a side comment about her childish screaming during one round (“stirring up fear” or something like that) – but how did they let her complete disrespect for the ingredients slip by? Her hideous “stress” noises that sound like a wounded buffalo? Walking into the ‘stew room’ and whining “Make it stop!”
She also does an “impression” of a black chicken. I’m sure you can only imagine what that looked like (hint: she attempted to cluck in a “rapping” fashion whatever the HELL that means) but you should have SEEN Ted Allen’s face.
She has some Youtube videos (which she plugs on Chopped). I had to watch it – if only because I’m some sort of a masochist – and it is just DESPERATELY not funny. I’ve never seen anything like it. Doing some really terrible accents and chopping shit up on a cutting board qualifies you as a “comic?” Jesus.
Wow. Just, wow.
I could NOT sit through the video. I tried, but I just couldn’t. I’m not that strong.
Like other people have noted in the YouTube comments, her title “Cooking with Schizophrenia” is wrong. She should consider renaming her show “Cooking with Multiple Personality Disorder.” Or better yet, “mumbling with obnoxious accents that no one wants to listen to.”
GET IT TOGETHER, TESS. GET IT TOGETHER.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Chopped All Stars: Round 3---Aaron Sanchez Is Probably Not The Sharpest Knife In The Drawer
---Chopped All-Stars: The Finale
---DOUCHEBAG OVERLOAD: The 16 Guy Fieri-est Halloween Costumes
---Chopped All Stars Recap: Anne Burrell, Claire Robinson, Duff Goldman, & Robert Irvine
- Letters To FNH
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92 Responses
Yes, that was last years Halloween episode and I caught the repeat the other day and her rapping chicken was definitely “Hawkward”; mainly because she looked SO uncomfortable doing it, which made the judges even more uncomfortable.
Oh, and that video (above) was just as painful and awkward as she was on the show. The internet needs to have a “no talent” filter that automatically deletes anything that is this awful.
Hi,
This is the Tess Middlebrook. I am so happy that you guys are spending your spare time writing about me, I cannot get over how important you think I am. I put my pants on just like everyone else in the morning- but seriously. Your blogging is truly efficacious and I am over the moon about it. Not to mention, EVERYONE HERE JUST CONGRATULATES ME ON MY NEVER ENDING TALENT!!!
Finally someone has pegged me for what I truly am- an amazing, talented, intelligent woman. Did I mention really cool and beautiful- I am fabulously great. None of you guys know that because you’ve never had the chance to meet me, but if you did we would have a great time.
That’s all for now. Keep on talking about me,
Love
Tess
ahhhhhhhhh hahahahahaha look how bitter you are. Be gracious, and less stuck up about the whole thing…
Now, now, Mike, Maybe it’s one of her “personalities” posting under her name. Hopefully ONE of them is actually funny.
I see one hell of a “web redemption” in this chicks future. Someone get Daniel Tosh on the horn, STAT!
Oh come on Mike, what the hell is she supposed to say? You guys are like vultures… first ripping someone apart on an online blog, but whatever, that’s not unique. But when they actually respond in an actually gracious manner, you taunt them some more? Jesus, get a life! I used to love this site, but it’s just gone from funny to downright mean.
You can’t put stuff out on the internet (or TV) and then complain if people say they don’t like it. If you say to the world “Don’t you think I’m so funny?” (or beautiful, or talented) don’t get all pouty if some people say “not really.”
I was on the fence about the entire thing. I thought the episode was awkward, but also figured it was cut to emphasise that. I still commended you for putting yourself out there and being a young woman on TV not attempting to be a sex bomb or something conventional. I didn’t find the episode funny or anything but was giving you credit where it was due.
… Until I read this comment. Unnecessary, petty and self-absorbed. If you want to be a comedian, you’ll have to learn to take a lot more than the writing on a satire blog for the food network.
You lost someone who could have been a potential fan there.
Tess: It really is better if you just don’t say anything at all about this.
Get over yourself Tess-if you were 1/10 as funny as Jillian/FNH or, check that ,if schizophrenia was funny AT ALL, you might actually have an act.
This had got to be a joke. This has GOT to be someone posting as this girl. No one in “comedy” can be this brittle, right? Right?
I for one am absolutely DISGUSTED that you would be so unprofessional that you to try to start a career by making fun of and mocking mental illness. Mental illness affects as many as 1 in 4 Americans, you should be doing something more productive with your life than displaying your ignorance to everyone who is unfortunate enough to stumble upon your “comedy”. Would you make fun of someone with cancer? Grow up and get a life.
Ha! I had this episode on in the background and so I had no idea what her name was. But when I read the first bit of it i knew exactly who was being talked about. She was weird as shit. And complained constantly. Not to mention she had absolutely no idea what half of the ingredients were. Best part of the whole episode was when she said “hairy cheese balls in my mouth.”
Hahahaaa yes we laughed out loud when she said that! We had just gotten over Anne Burrell’s nuts having a “great mouthfeel”. HAHAAAAAA
Honestly, disregarding the obvious hilarity of that statement, if nuts have a “great mouthfeel,” I’m not sure I understand what mouthfeel is (and this only adds to my suspicion that all this new “foodie jargon” is bullshit that all celebrity chefs nod and smile at, none of them actually having a clue what they’re saying.)
My interpretation of mouthfeel is that the item has a texture that is pleasing when you are chewing it.
Good lord, that sucked more than Paris Hilton in a black hole. She didn’t even cook the meat and finish the damn recipe!
Prime example for why I don’t watch Chopped anymore. The main reason though is that I can’t get passed that annoying little shithead Ted Allen.
Agreed. I can’t stand when Ted jumps in and starts getting an attitude with contestants after they tried to stick up for themselves when the judges start to nitpick.
I made it 1:07 into the video.. as soon as she busted out the horrendous Paula Deen-esque fake accent, my stomach turned and I had to click it off. Even my husband, who drowns out most irritations in the house went “What the f@$k IS that?!”
like an idiot i checked out her facebook page…{don’t go there unless your more of an idiot than i am}..she has listed herself as a
“character acress”…there you have it….i’ll leave the rest up to you…….geeeez…
just noticed my lack of spelling skills re: tess on facebook…”…”CHARACTER ACTRESS” …there….
I haven’t watched the episodes she was on as of yet. They’re still on the DVR waiting for me to get to them.
I watched the video and unlike most here, I’m not going to jump on the “let’s kill this annoying bitch” bandwagon.
She wasn’t great but if she worked at the concept a little and rounded out the segments into full cooking shows, I think it would be a lot of fun. It’s true though she needs to change the title to Cooking with MPD. (multiple personality disorders)
Oh well, just my opinion.
Let the bashing begin.
Since I’m the one who sent that email and video in, I guess I’m exempt from the “bandwagon” comment.
The biggest problem I had with her is that she is just STRIKINGLY unfunny. The concept of Cooking with MPD (or what she thinks is schizophrenia) might be okay with someone who is FUNNY. Her delivery is completely flat and her self-deprecating humor isn’t HUMOR – it’s just simply pointing out that she’s insecure. Most self-deprecating comics are both devastatingly insecure but also have something of a narcissistic personality – seems like a contradiction but you have to have a bit of both to be genuinely ironic. She is desperate in her attempts to cover up her insecurity with humor and because it’s not ironic and just is sort of honest, it fails – and is just kind of sad to watch.
That said, it’s unclear why she should be so insecure. She seems like a normal sort of girl. This normalcy might be the problem with her comedy, though – she’s not genuinely quirky, so when she tries to pull of the quirkiness, it feels forced.
Not bashing you, and not trying to bash her, either. I just had an immediate, visceral reaction to her and could not NOT comment on it. If you’re on TV (or in any public arena like YouTube) you’re prone to being judged in some way. Some people may make a judgment that they like you, some may make the judgment that they don’t.
After watching only 39 seconds of that “performance”, my immediate reaction was to pop “Fargo” into the ol dvd player instead! : J
That video was really unfunny, but I’m not sure how you were able to see into her soul and understand her motivation. Isn’t it enough that it doesn’t make people laugh? Or chuckle? Or even smile?
I agree a lot with you. I did not really care for the Youtube video, but I didn’t mind her on Chopped. It had to be editing. It’s ALWAYS editing! She was awkward, but so am I; maybe I was relating a little. I don’t film myself with bad accents though and put them on the internet, but not every person will find your personality/humor enjoyable.
Basically took the words out of my mouth :P
GREAT. She’ll probably be the next loser ‘starring’ on FN. >:(
That was my thought exactly!
Maybe “Chopped” should select contestants from a smaller group, say, people who actually cook for a living in restaurants or catering operations. I’ve pretty much had it with self-styled cooking instructors who work out of their tacky little apartments and wouldn’t last a day in a real commercial kitchen.
Pass the Lithium please?
Oh gosh, I wanted to stab this girl. AND EVERY SINGLE ROUND, she freaked over her ingredients. “Oh em gee, I’ve never worked with this before!! Waaah!!”
Also, she complained about not having enough time, and just the way that she said it made me not feel bad for her at all. She sounded like a whiny five-year-old, and even that’s insulting five-year-olds everywhere.
I think she called every single ingredient “disgusting” at least once. Real professional.
i would like the last 2 and a half minutes of my life back…
Scary child art on the frig; poor “canine” afraid for its’ life when she mentions “kill the game”….
chich needs to buy a clue. She’s a moron.
I blame Me, Myself, and Irene for the schizophrenia/ DID confusion.
great idea since sybil has said now that she was a big fake!!
Who is Sybil?
There’s a movie called Sybil which is about Dissociative Identity Disorder, but it’s a fictionalized account of a real woman whose name wasn’t Sybil…. ???
I will NEVER complain about Sandra Lee ever again.
Cooking with Schizophrenia? This is the latest innovation in the world of cooking? Whatever happened to it being about the food, or the presentation, or the cooking methods, even? Does every chef today have to have some kind of weird gimmick to be on TV?
Ugh!
Looking forward to “Baking With Nymphomanics”.
The dough isn’t the only thing rising in the kitchen and there’s more than buns in her oven!
Genius!
Almost spit out my coffee! :D
I would watch this, especially if it was with Nigella hosting.
Seconding this.
Third.
Having finally worked up the courage to watch it, I have to admit that it’s not quite as horrible as I was expecting. The biggest issues I have with it are the accent (natural or faked, don’t know which), and the jarring edits, accompanied with that annoying beep and flash of white. I had to turn the sound up just to hear her, so the first time it beeped, it scared the hell out of me.
Can someone pass the saaaaaalt?
What… a lunatic. I’m guessing she did the drawing on the fridge.
I can’t believe that dog has to live with her.
She’d fit in perfectly on the Food Network! Can we say The Next Food Network Star? She can join in with the other misfits for the Christmas show even. AWWWW…
Someone should rescue her poor dog. He looked as unimpressed by her humor and cooking as some of us seem to be. At least when I talk to my pets they don’t look away shamefully, hoping their friend’s don’t notice their crazy mother talking to them. But then again, I don’t post my whack-job-ness on youtube, I keep that behind closed doors.
Oh Christ on a popsicle stick, I saw this last year and I wanted to smash her head into the oven and turn it up high. This chick deserves to be thoroughly mocked until she erases her presence from the internet after apologizing to the world for ever appearing on it.
Well, the way Food Network is lately I’m surprised she doesn’t have her own show yet.
When she did that black chicken bullshit my husband and I couldn’t even process what was going on. We just stared blankly at the television with our mouths open and then looked at each other, lost for words. I can’t believe anyone would think that was funny. I was so glad that Ted and the judges looked as appalled as we felt.
It also grinds my gears that she appropriated schizophrenia for the title of her extremely lame and unfunny Youtube “show.” May she never have any success until she gets a clue.
I feel worst for the dog in the video.
I don’t know how long she’s been making these videos (I think someone earlier mentioned having seen it last year), and I’m not sure which came first, this horror, or “My Drunk Kitchen,” but Hannah Hart is about an order of magnitude funnier than this drip. I didn’t see any of the Chopped she was on but if this video is any example of her personality and ah…”humor” I clearly missed exactly nothing.
She sounds horrible so this means FN will be giving her a show.
She thinks she’s a wit, and she’s half right.
*stabs eyes and ears with rusty knife*. I couldn’t make it through the vid either!
That vid was almost painful to watch..
Oh dear God. She’s like an adult version of this one annoying girl I knew in high school. Wonder how she’s doing…
Wtf why is her voice like that. Talk about annoying! I couldn’t even understand her
For God’s sake, Bless Food Network that I used to love. Those people are all in a hell of a mess.
looks like tess is MAD!
She posted a the below request (in the link, its an image) on her facebook page.
http://i.imgur.com/4140y.png
I guess she doesnt realize shes just giving the site more hits…some people really ARE that fucking stupid.
I guess Googling yourself doesn’t always make you feel good :)
Being the person who sent that email, I feel responsible for this whole thread. I wasn’t commenting on her “real” personality (since obviously I haven’t met her) I just really didn’t like the way she portrayed herself on Chopped and I don’t like her comedy (“comedy.”) It’s like I said in another comment – if you go on TV for any reason, you’re subject to some kinds of judgment. If you PERFORM, you’re subject to even more judgment – you’re inherently asking people to give their opinion of you, expressed by watching you, laughing at your jokes, continuing to watch you, whatever.
Outside of that, I don’t even understand her response on this page. I’m not even 100% sure it’s sarcasm, really. I just don’t get it.
It just seems to me that if you put yourself in the public eye, expect some negative responses. You can’t please everyone. That said, if you’re an aspiring comedian (or comedienne) your ability to laugh at yourself should really be your biggest asset – if you can’t do that, you might just not be cut out for it.
^this
IT’s so nice to see that all of you people have so much time on your hands to sit here and bash on her. What can you say that you have done with your life? Most of you are unemployed, losers and housewives with nothing better to do. Get a grip and get over it.
We already have gotten over it. We watched the lame video, laughed, and moved on. You’re the one here instigating like a little puppet. Blow me.
If you were over it, you wouldn’t be continuously writing about it, you shrieking harpy. I wouldn’t blow you with Sandra Bullocks lips.
Oooh, shrieking harpy. How menacing.
Jenna- I couldn’t agree more… It’s like Tess posting a link to this site… Just a lame attempt to fuel the fire. What a couple of tools. And you get +5000000 points for using the phrase “blow me” :D
shouldnt you and tess be the ones “getting a grip” and moving on? You seem to be really offended by somthing posted on a site with the word HUMOR in the name.
It’s a satirical site, stop getting your panties in a bunch, and go cry somewhere else Tess/MRS. A.
Why are people getting so pissy that people dislike this Tess woman. It’s not our fault that she is the Dane Cook of the food network. Sheesh. You’d think we insulted someone with talent…….
Really there is a site that makes fun of food network shows? GET A LIFE! My favorite part is where you ask for donations!….Oh I get it, you were all the kids who were picked on and you could not get over it…so you developed this site as a form of therapy to cope with your anger. That makes sense. Perfect excuse for being pathetic!
And about Tess, if you compare her with most of the sucessful actresses she is brilliant! And what is even more brilliant is that she is not even a chef, she is acting the whole time. You obviously dont get it, and when you find it I will be back to visit you and give you a ” big pat on the back” for not being a complete dumb ass!
Have a great day, and continue wasting your time!
Amanda
wahhhh wahhhh wahhhh
Amanda!!
You are my hero..
I wish I had more people like you in my life.
Love
Tess Middlebrook, the crazy untalented one.
“And about Tess, if you compare her with most of the sucessful actresses she is brilliant!”
How can you breathe with your head so far up this womans ass?
I think Amanda is one of her “personalities”
Given the sad state of FN these days, Tess could be The Next Food Network Star.
The influx of affronted commenters who found their way here from Tess’s posting are pretty hilarious.I guess they don’t realize that “you must be pathetic to make fun of ____” has been a really sad staple of Internet comments from almost day one.
Tess: you’re not funny, your “comedy” sucks, and basing your schtick on mental illness is really offensive. Start cooking like a grown-up or find a new career.
Wow…I think all you haters are jealous. It takes a massive amount of guts or suspension of disbelief to put yourself out there. I don’t know her personally, so she could be sadly clueless. But at least she is trying to make something of herself and put a little laughter in the world. I think that Teddy Roosevelt had some choice words for critics that apply to most folks here in the forum.
She tried and failed. Happens all the time.
Not everyone is cut out to do what they want to do. Contrary to what your kindergarten teacher said, you can’t do everything if you just believe in yourself. I would like to play cello like Yo-yo Ma but I don’t have the talent. But what I don’t do is go on TV/put out internet videos and cry when people point out I suck.
I’m wondering why the person behind the camera didn’t clunk her. And she needs to apologize to Schizophrenics everywhere.
What’s with all the FNH haters? If you don’t care for the site move on. And if you really really don’t care for the site, a) why are you reading and b) why are you going so far as to post? Bye bye.
There’s suddenly 5 people on here defending her because the bimbo posted a link to this on her Facebook asking people to hate on it.
This is just flat-out mean bullying shit. It’s gross. I know, I know, “it’s a blog that makes fun of FN, get a life.” Whatever. Just over the top mean.
First time on the internet? Welcome aboard!
You could see the pain in the dogs eyes. Poor thing.
And I could tell that she is more of an artist than a chef by the lovely picture on the fridge.
I am very offended by her country bumpkin accent. EVERYONE knows that we Southerners do not “Tomato”. It’s “mater”. Tater, mosquiter, mater.
I could not figure out why she was making that weird accent? Tess, you suck!
I thought she was funny. And I think you are all absolutely pathetic to bash someone you don’t know. What shows have you been on?
Impression of black chicken……..needed salt
But she’s a crazy chef, want cant you like! If I hired a chef, I would want to have some crazy fun