Ina Garten »
Inner Monologue Of Ina Garten Waiting In Line At Trader Joe’s
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This is ridiculous. There are 11 people in front of me, and this line hasn’t moved in 5 minutes. Who’s up there working the register? One of those stupid Deen boys? Jesus. I’m never gonna make it home in time. My Chefography viewing party starts at 7, and I didn’t even harvest the wheat for my banana bread yet. Steven and Michael are gonna be at my house any minute, and they’re gonna start having fun without me. Hmm… maybe I should move to that line over there, behind the guy with the… wait… is that guy buying NUTS IN A JAR? Forget it. I’m staying in this line. I’m not standing behind anyone buying NUTS IN A JAR.
It’s Africa hot in here. Would it kill them to put on the air conditioner? Maybe I shouldn’t have worn this denim shirt. It’s too heavy. God, what is that smell? Is it me? No, it’s definitely not me. It’s gotta be that bearded hippie in the plaid shirt over there perusing the organic patchouli. Hey buddy, would it kill you to take a shower? There’s probably a family of birds living in that nest you call hair. (nervous giggle)
….aaaand, the line still hasn’t moved. I feel like I’m waiting to ride Space Mountain. Jeffrey loves Space Mountain. Wait, why am I here wasting my time again? I need an assistant to do this stuff for me. I’m Ina frickin’ Garten for Christ’s sake. Oh, how lovely. That woman just coughed all over me. So not only am I going to be late, but I’m going to contract Swine Flu.
Why is that pimple-faced high school dropout employee in the Hawaiian shirt ringing that stupid bell again? Oh, only one ring this time. I bet that means, “These lines are so long because every moron here is buying three buck chuck.” Yelch. I wouldn’t feed three buck chuck to my mailman’s dog. Why is this place so crowded now anyway? It’s 2:30! Don’t people play golf anymore???
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- Ina Garten
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62 Responses
HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA..this is awesome!!!!
Awesome. Except she’d never step foot in a Trader Joe’s.
LMAO
Really clever! Anon, use your imagination. Ina was only there because Whole Foods was being renovated! :)
I had to answer the phone and say I would LOVE to come to TR’s house for dinner. And then he asks if I would mind stopping for a few things. Now here I am schlepping chicken, charcoal, a charcoal chimney, raspberries, chocolate cake, People Magazine and the store brand of vanilla extract, a twelve pack of malt liquor. Oh, I just have to learn not to answer the phone….
Ina was there because…
duh duh duh…
Jeffery’s real name is JOE!!!!!
Now we know where he got all his money.
“Except she’d never step foot in a Trader Joe’s.”
Truth be told, my DH and I don’t care for TJ’s, either, nor do we shop often at Whole Foods. That said, our local (Italian Name) International Marketplace is awesome, and I’m there several times weekly year-round.
True, she probably would never stop foot in that place. But I did today, and I needed to vent! NEVER AGAIN!
I’ve never had the pleasure. Other than the fact that it’s a grocery store and most of them are less than pleasant to visit, is there something extra crappy about TJ’s? Is it like going to Wally World (WalMart) on a Saturday or, gulp, even worse, a Sunday?
“Other than the fact that it’s a grocery store and most of them are less than pleasant to visit, is there something extra crappy about TJ’s?”
Not exactly crappy, just different than a typical grocery store. I think patrons either like it or they don’t. We don’t, but I do enjoy reading their “Fearless Flyer” advertising brochure when it comes in the mail. Very clever concept, and I give credit where it’s due.
@CherryRose: What area are you in? I’m curious if the (Italian Name) International Marketplace is the one I have in mind.
I love going there. But hate the crowds and the PARKING. (which is hell).
Still I make there every couple of weeks. Just too many goodies to say no to.
If you can make it to TJ’s during the week in the late morming, early afternoon, you’re golden. Much less crowded and insane. One of the only nice things about being unwillingly unemployed is that I can do that. I’d rather be employed, though. So I could afford the “good” vanilla extract.
Before I got my juicer, I once got some carrot juice at Trader Joe’s. It had the consistency of snot! I watched somebody try to drink it (just to humor me), and it was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
@CherryRose: What area are you in? I’m curious if the (Italian Name) International Marketplace is the one I have in mind.
North of Hockeytown.
I don’t think there’s a rule that you can’t say grocery store names on here.
“I don’t think there’s a rule that you can’t say grocery store names on here.”
Maybe not, but this isn’t a national chain.
MMMM! Jun, doesn’t everybody love snotty juice?? Especially orange colored ones? gak
There aren’t any TJ’s here in Houston. At least not that I’m aware.
@CherrieRose: If you are speaking of Nino’s, Oh!My!God! I love that place!
@CherrieRose: If you are speaking of Nino’s, Oh!My!God! I love that place!
Me too! Me too! OMG is right!
I live in Ohio, but when I met my boyfriend, he was living in Clinton Township. I had to go every time I visited him. I looked forward to visiting that store almost as much as I did visiting him lol. And when he visited me, he went with a shopping list for me. He lives here now, and we are both sad that nothing in this area comes anywhere close to that place. Oh Nino’s, how I miss thee!
I don’t live in the area anymore. But Nino’s has some really nice gazpacho & cannolis.
“…Oh Nino’s, how I miss thee!”
I suffer withdrawal if I don’t go at least every other day!
Wow, I LOVE Trader Joe’s. Unfortunately I can’t do all my shopping there because they just don’t carry everything but what they do have is great. My husband is there right now picking up a few things for me. I can buy organic at prices I can afford. The service has always been great. And the frozen dinners I’ve tried have been awesome (you must get the chicken tikki masala if you’re lucky enough to have a TJ). And we like the carrot juice there! But I’ve seen 2 different kinds, and the one we have is a “carrot juice blend” with 7 different kinds of juices in there so maybe what Jun got was the other one.
Anyway, this was hilarious, especially the first paragraph!
@ Courtney I am so glad to hear that you like Trader Joe’s! I live in a backwoods area of Washington…sort of…I mean we do have a Wal-Mart ;) but the only store we have that sells organic is Safeway. In Olympia, the closest ‘big town’ to me (and the state capitol) we are getting a Trader Joe’s right next door to the Barnes and Noble (hello…heaven anyone?!?) and am very excited. I used to live in California a LONG time ago but never shopped at a Trader Joe’s. I live way to far away to travel to Seattle for the Whole Foods and we have a co-op also in Olympia but it is not very clean and gives me the willies to shop there. So, thanks for giving a good review!
I am just thrilled to be able to buy a book and good food in one stop!! I know, I know, I am easily excited by silly things…oh well, that’s me!
i LOVE tj’s. just in there today. they have all sorts of alternatives to things like graham crackers, ritz crackers (they used to, at least), oreos– all without high fructose or partially hydrogenated oils (the hubby doesn’t eat them). decent $2 wine, $3 rose bouquets, super cheap nuts… i don’t understand the hate!
Hilarious!
I enjoy Trader Joe’s. Very funny post!
*raises hand*
Count me in as TJ fan ! Great stuff + excellent prices for many special/unique items + fresh fruit/veg/flowers.
Downside is (like the pic above) it is SO congested (guess that’s how they keep prices down – but cutting on the sq.ft.). I only go right at opening time to avoid crowds.
And I would never EVER expect to find Ina there HA. But if I did, I’d give her my place in line.
From the look of her Ray Ray forgot to wear her shirt and bra!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I could see how TJ would be crowded if it was the only one in a large city. I live in a town of about 12,000 people and I’ve never had to wait in line more than a couple of minutes! Sorry to hear it’s not the same everywhere.
Sadly this sound like me when I’m waiting in line…haha.
To avoid congestion, I only go about twenty minutes before closing time. If I go at peak hours, the line curls towards the back of the store.
Plus, I only go if I need a specialty item quickly and I don’t feel like blowing big bucks over at Whole Foods.
That was hilarious!!!!!
You never cease to crack me up!
I think some people hate on Trader Joe’s because they want to think that they are too good for any chain grocery stores! “I only go to one overly priced grocery store, three times a week!” – acting just like the fat ass Ina, nose in the air snobs! I agree that it could get crowded, but try to not shop in the middle of the day – most stores are crowded by then. And it you don’t like a product (um, snot carrot juice?), you just have to go in and tell them and they will replace/reimburse you.
@Jillian
@foodgps is totally calling out Giada and Bobby Flay on twitter now. (In regards to them not following anyone) Check their timeline.
HA! they follow NO ONE… figures, their accounts are just PR-bots IMO.
Trader Joe’s is like Whole (paycheck) Foods, without the attitude. I’ve found some good eats there, many of which you cant find elsewhere.
Nino is a smartass. Years ago, at a family gathering, my mother complimented Nino on his stores. He smirked and said, “Nobody beats Nino’s meat!” My mom didn’t get the joke.
It’s no longer TWO Buck Chuck?? ;(
Guess Aunty Sandy has to stretch her supply out with the price increase.
Ah, who am I kidding? XP
It’s three buck Chuck here in the midwest.
Oh, Ina. You need to get a Wegmans in your area!
Africa hot. lol
Not one mention of hydrangeas?!? For shame! ;)
It’s stlIl 2 buck chuck on the west coast. On the east coast it’s 3 buck chuck.
This was very silly. <3
I'm a fan of TJs. There are so many out here in Washington, though what would you expect of us organic-loving, artsy gays? Or does that description only fit me? ;) Either way, TJs is certainly not as pretentious as Whole Foods. At least up here, the rich people go there to show off how economically friendly they are while dropping $50 for coffee and cream. TJs is pretty fair. The produce is often several dollars cheaper than Safeway. I like it. I buy myself healthy treats from there.
@Matt
Oh, how I love Wegmans! I agree, Ina would love it there.
“I’m Ina Frickin Garten for Christs sake” this line made me laugh out loud. Great post.
Did TR just run out of the market w/o paying???
Very funny! Two questions though:
1. What’s wrong with nuts in a jar?
2. What is “Three buck chuck”?
1. What’s wrong with nuts in a jar?
2. What is “Three buck chuck”?
I don’t have a problem with nuts in a jar. I get them at Costco and always have some on hand.
“Three Buck Chuck” is Trader Joe’s “House Wine” – Charles Shaw. In some venues, it’s still only $2 a bottle, but with inflation, it’s now $3 in some venues.
Hey, CherryRose – does the “three buck chuck” make one “up chuck”?
Thanks for the explanation, CherryRose!
I thought maybe it was some kind of undesirable ground beef. :)
“…does the “three buck chuck” make one “up chuck”?”
Would drinking vinegar cause that? Then, yes.
ewww
This had me laughing so hard I was crying. The things I do at 4am……………
I think some of you are as snobby as Ina!! I will shop @ Trader Joes and Walmart anyday. If I can get a good bargain and shop in a clean environment I’m a happy shopper. Get off your high horses folks!!
IT’S A JOKE, GENIUS.
@ Rhonda: WallyWorld &TJ’s clean??? Well technically “clean”, yes, but the most disorganized shelves and generally sloppilly (sp?) planned stores. BTW, I shop regularly at both, but always find myself thinking “WTF, why is this item here, and where the hell is that?”.
But still, we save money (but waste time). And F*CK WHole Foods!
Terrific humor piece. I am a food writer and was invited to do “Adult Reading Hour” at our local library (using, of course, a food piece). I may use this, but I also may write some accompanying monologues of other foodie stars – great idea! Do you have anymore already written? I looked at some of the other listings .. funny small bits about Giada and Paula… but none in this bent. Email me if so.
Thanks!
[...] has a funny spoof on Ina, link is here. I actually laughed out loud. [...]
I like Trader Joe’s but agree that it gets pretty crowded. I don’t shop there as often as I used to since Whole Foods is closer. And while some (well, most) items at WF are expensive, their 365 line of groceries is as cheap as TJ’s and often cheaper than the regular grocery store. WF’s beef and pork are also top of the line and to me, worth the extra buck or 2 per #. I think the service at both stores is great. All that said, I do support truly local stores — I go to an Italian deli right around the corner from my house, and eat out at local independent restaurants rather than chains.
This was hilarious, great portreyal of Ina. I love the copy and paste picture of her in the supermarket line.
Yesterday my Spanish teacher was not only wearing a denim shirt but also jeans! I couldn’t pay attention the entire class.
“Oh, how lovely. That woman just coughed all over me. So not only am I going to be late, but I’m going to contract Swine Flu.” BEST LINE EVER!