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Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 4)
Posted by Jillian Madison

This week on Next Iron Chef, the chairman treated the gang to an evening of laughs. No, not a slideshow featuring Guy Fieri’s penis… but an exciting (/sarcasm) night out at a comedy club with Kevin Nealon. The crowd shouted out a bunch of disgusting, unrelated ingredients – and then the Iron Chef-hopefuls had to create one dish utilizing octopus, tortillas, kumquats, and marshmallows.

The cooking portion was very uneventful, and involved lots of pressure cookers and nervous chefs second-guessing their techniques. Burrell made an octopus ravioli. Guarnaschelli wisely prepared octopus two ways, in a saute pan and in a pressure cooker, so she could use whichever one came out tasting better. And Elizabeth Falkner crumpled a bunch of dirt… er, burnt marshmallows… over a pile of sliced kumquats and fruits:

Simon Majumdar didn’t like the presentation of the plate, which tells me HE IS NOT INSANE. But Judy Joo, who last week achieved her first “foodgasm” over Falkner’s nibbly bits, just loved it. Joo exclaimed, “I see the order in the chaos!” No, honey. What you see is your face in her vagina. GET A ROOM.

The best performers of the night were Anne, Alex, and Michael. Despite Simon literally licking Alex’s bowl clean, Michael Chiarello was named the winner of the challenge.

The bottom two were Geoffrey and Beau. They went head to head in Battle Coconut, where we were treated to several shots of Geoffrey’s “Hello Kitty” band-aids. Sadly, Judy Joo used all the regular baid-aids last week trying to patch up her shattered, foodgasming vagina.

At one point, Beau threw some pineapple down onto the griddle. Everyone in the peanut gallery cringed, especially Elizabeth Falkner. “Oohh. Grilled pineapple?” she said. “That just feels a little dated to me.” Oh, right. Because her frosted tips really scream “2011.” Elizabeth, you have a call from “every lesbian from 1993.” Will you accept the charges? Oh, and Lance Bass is on hold. He said he wants his hair gel back.

The judges tasted the dishes, talked about how great and wonderful and talented both men were, but in the end, BEAU MACMILLAN was eliminated from the show. Bye bye. Run along and squirt soy sauce on something and call it Asian Fusion.

Stay tuned next week, when the chefs head back to NYC and Alex drops her plate of food in the sink. The horror.



Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 1)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 3)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 7)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 6)
---Next Iron Chef: Just The Good Stuff (Episode 5)

    74 Responses

  1. Deaner says:

    Kevin Nealon?

    What, was Joe Piscopo unavailable?

  2. Chrissy says:

    Okay, what I thought of when Beau used the pineapple was, “Oh God, he’s going to piss off Simon.” After all, Simon threw a hissy fit every time pineapple was used last season and let us know that he hated the stuff. So I guess he miraculously was able to tolerate it within a year?

  3. Sara says:

    What is with this show and just ripping off challenges left and right from Top Chef. Do they assume we food-competition loving viewers haven’t seen it? Baseball game, comedy club, etc… seen it. Get a teensy bit creative.

  4. Carrie says:

    First thought when I saw this challenge:

    “Oh, they’re stealing another Top Chef concept again” and they made it easier! Random ingredients still isn’t quite as bad as “Green Perplexed Tofu” or “Orange Turned On Asparagus”

    So yeah. Still underwhelmed by this show. I predict Samuleson goes home next.

    • Thomas says:

      I agree.

      But at least they aren’t doing Quickfires and Elimination Challenges like last season or Next Star.

      • Carrie says:

        True!

        I was very happy to see the change, and actually I like the new format quite a bit. The challenge at the end really isn’t gimmicky so I think it’s a nice display of the chef’s talent when they aren’t hamstrung by the challenge of the day.

  5. Jeremy says:

    Can I just say how fucking hilarious this recap was?

    This site is the only reason I watch this show.

    That’s all.

    • cari says:

      I agree! One of the best recaps ever. My favorite sentence: “Run along and squirt soy sauce on something and call it Asian Fusion.”
      Bravo, Jillian!

      • Plumpy says:

        That was my favorite sentence too. Love the recaps. I’d rather watch the zombies on The Walking Dead than this mess. I tune in at the end just to see who goes home. Love Anne though and think she’ll win.

  6. Dr.L says:

    Judy Joo is making *desparate* attempts for Chef elizabeth’s attentions. I hate to see what happens next week.
    Yeah, and Buh bye, Beau. We noticed Michael C. managed a nice kiss for you on your way out…glad that little love fest is moving off-screen, for now.
    GF predicts Anne B. gets eliminated next week in the “shocking elinination.” I say Alex does.

    • Emily says:

      She reminds me of Jennifer Jason Leigh in “Single White Female.”

      Next week we are going to see her with hair like Falukner’s. After that, we are going to see her start acting like Faulkner and finally (in the last episode), she is going to look at Faulkner and say “But Elizabeth, I AM you. I love you Elizabeth and now, we are the same person. Don’t you love me Elizabeth? Elizabeth, if I can’t have you, then no one can.”

  7. Ok says:

    Um, what is Marcus wearing at the comedy club??

    • ButtaRumCake says:

      I was wondering the same thing! He looked like someone’s grandpa who forgot to change clothes after hitting the links.

  8. Andrew says:

    I still don’t understand why they still use the Chairman, aka Mark Dacascos, b movie actor, in this frigging show. It makes no sense. Especially why he talks the way he does in any filmed clips of him…. he puts on this weird accent… i recently saw him in a terrible zombie movie.

    • Sofi says:

      I love Dacascos in Iron Chef America but his role in this series seems really forced. Like, why can’t he show up in person?

      That terrible zombie movie—you’re talking about I Am Omega aren’t you?

      • Plumpy says:

        I find Dacascos hysterically funny as The Chairman. And what a great gig. He gets to over act like a Mexican soap opera, walk around and eat.

    • TBoneNYC says:

      There are no terrible zombie movies !

  9. cheddarpretzels says:

    So happy Alex did great in this challenge. If she didn’t her haters would bring up the fact that she’s a judge on Chopped. :) GO ALEX GUARNASCHELLI!

  10. Johnna says:

    I seriously thought I was looking at a woman’s hands, but they were Geoffrey’s….and it wasn’t because of the band-aids. Those are some seriously manicured hands! Mine aren’t even that nice!

  11. Toler Flyrence says:

    Nice recap.
    For the first time, I’m not so sure Ann Burrell has a lock on it. I’m thinking the Susan Powter clone might have a chance.

    • KelliGerl says:

      LOL!!!! Susan Powter clone…funny shit dude.

      Hey, I’m thinking the same thing with Anne. She just never really came out swinging like I thought she would. She doesn’t even look that thrilled to even be there.

  12. Steph says:

    Something about that whole comedy club thing annoyed me. I’m not sure if it was that the whole thing was staged *really* badly (because we all know that if you ask a group of strangers to start shouting things out, they’re going to do it one at a time and come up with things like they did) or what.

    Oh, and marshmallow ash? I don’t understand how that can be considered “cute”. It’s burned crap all over a plate that you’re supposed to eat off of!

    • Carrie says:

      Top Chef did the comedy club bit better.

      They had the audience come up with three groups of words – a food, a color, and an emotion and -then- they announced that it was a challenge and grouped things up one from each column.

      The result was a harder challenge that felt more like an actual improv game.

      So yeah. Because FN only wanted to be partial thieves instead of total, we got the poorly staged effort that we saw last night.

    • Marsha says:

      I thought you were supposed to laugh at a comedy club. What was funny?

  13. Britt says:

    I just noticed that quinoa is spelled completely wrong on that whiteboard…

    • wannabechef says:

      I noticed that too, but then I see that it does look correct 4th one down under carbs. Maybe he spelled it that way after with an explanation on how to pronounce it?

  14. warren leung says:

    Anna B freakin overcook her squid and made up a lame excuse for texture?!? Definitely should have been at the bottom with Beau. This show is SO FIXED!!!!

  15. hairball says:

    They said a big suprise gets booted next week, if it is anne I am done with this show

  16. Bellossom Ranger says:

    Welp, I am sure that next episode(to be aired the Sunday after Thanksgiving), we’ll start seeing the women in the Secret Ingredient challenge and start being threatened with elimination. I’m surprised that none of the female chefs got canned yet considering The Next Iron Chef’s bad luck for women curse – I don’t expect any of the girls to win THIS one either :( – but that luck is about run out for the ladies.

    Is Falkner actually gay or are you implying she’s gay, because if I were Elizabeth and I read this(and I am sure she did get tipped off to this site!) I’d probably be offended, even if I was gay(which I am not) for my sexuality being slammed like that. I sort of draw the line on making jokes about homo-sexual people, that’s rude. (And yes, if I don’t like your brand of humor, I should not be on this site, sue me. I have my opinion.)

    It also looks like Anne’s gotten rid of her two main enemies from Worst Cooks In America – Beau and Robert. How long will she last, is she like a cockroach and WON’T DIE. It would make sense, she used to be Mario’s sous chef in KS.

    Finally, I am sure this was commented on, but if you catch it(and how can you NOT?), but I just saw something that adds fuel to the fire you ignited with that article about Michael groping Beau’s butt – when Beau was leaving the studio after getting Chopped(sic), MICHAEL KISSED HIM ON THE LIPS! O_O Ew. Michael, you ruined my childhood, thanks you so much. :(

  17. Girl Fairy says:

    When I first heard about the shocking elimination, my first thought was maybe they’re going to have a double elimination…haven’t they done that before on this show?

    • MoHub says:

      I’ve noticed a pattern in that the more widely known chef is always preserved in the final cookoff, regardless of the perceived quality of the dishes. This leads me to believe that the “shocking” elimination next time will either be a “big name,” like Samuelsson or Chiarello.

      If not, I think it will be Anne Burrell, who’s been seen as a shoo-in as Batali’s former ICA sous.

  18. Rob says:

    I’ve wondered for a while if the editors of NIC (and NFNS) have a pool running for which little items they include will get the most attention and derision in blogs like this.

    Given the relatively mild response to this show and this season, perhaps they know they’ve peaked? Certainly it’s devolved into any other ‘reality’ show — little on the substance and more on the people themselves. The two consistent themes in comments seem to be that they ripped-off a concept from another show and that the show is fixed.

    Not exactly a way to build audience, but it would explain the Hail Mary of trotting out so many of the ‘personalities’.

  19. Squid says:

    “Sadly, Judy Joo used all the regular baid-aids last week trying to patch up her shattered, foodgasming vagina.”

    I freaking lost it

    • Lisa says:

      I hadn’t thought about Joo using them all. I just thought FN was too cheap to buy regular ones and got those at the dollar store. My other thought was that GZ specifically requested hello kitty ones.

  20. TBoneNYC says:

    If Alex or Ann wins this I am boycotting any Iron Chef episode they cook in. By her own admission last night Alex said she has been accused of “looking mean while she cooks”. It’s that fact, and the fact that every time she appears on my TV my colon seizes that I will boycott. And for the love of all that is holy do we really need to witness Ann Burrell sweating like a crackhead with no rocks every time we see her during the cook off? I have to be honest. If this contest isn’t fixed, and that’s a BIG if, Hello Fireplaces and his Four Kitties should win this. The man can cook his ass off.

  21. Goober says:

    I knew big Beau was a goner at the end of last week’s show. I said, “Get it over with now and send him home. No need for next week’s show.”

    Yep, Falkner is gay. OUTTraveler magazine listed her no. 2 on its list of The World’s Great Gay Chefs. They made no secret of it when she was on Top Chef Masters.

    • stoup says:

      The question is…who is the number 1 World’s Great Gay Chef? ( Michael Chiarello?)

      I still think Elizabeth Falkner could be related to Chaz Bono (looks-wise). Just sayin’…

  22. Emaxxer says:

    Do kumquats cause foodgasms? Inquiring minds want to know.

  23. Kat says:

    Is it just me, or does Falkner’s hair strongly resemble Guy Fieri’s?

  24. UncaChazzy says:

    “Judy Joo, who last week achieved her first “foodgasm” over Falkner’s nibbly bits, just loved it. Joo exclaimed, “I see the order in the chaos!” No, honey. What you see is your face in her vagina.”

    Wait…he’s a girl?

  25. LauraE says:

    I don’t get the food network anymore, so I look forward to the re-caps.. LOVE them! Keep it up Jillian. And is it just me, or does it look like a 5 year old wrote that stuff on the white-board??

  26. Allie says:

    That “comedy” routine was so painful to watch.

  27. Kristin says:

    haha! I was hoping you would catch that Chef Zakarian had some Hello Kitty bandaids on! And Chef Faulkner looking like Lance Bass? LMAO!

  28. Brett says:

    I, sadly, have to say that Faulker might win.
    If Tushy and Suzie want a replacement lesbian on ICA (replacement for Cat Cora, which I never even knew was gay), Faulker would win.
    Maybe her new school-girl follower could be her sous chef? Ha.

  29. Jimmy says:

    The person that cooks multiple dishes wins everytime.

  30. whereisfreitag says:

    I do love your blog, I must say. I was betting you would make fun of Zakarian’s band-aids, and so it was awesome when I saw that screen cap. But if you’re going to make fun of Faulkner’s hair, you have to make fun of Burrell’s too, in my opinion. :) It does look like Guy Fieri’s.

    Go Zakarian. He has pretty hands and too many fireplaces and can be a cock bag occasionally, but I love watching him cook. He has incredible technique and makes few mistakes. And I thought Alex’s plating was beautiful in this episode. It looked like a fucking painting. I guess I’m a little biased towards both of them because I love the silly drama of Chopped.

    But your blog is great, and as a gay girl, I appreciate your Faulkner/Joo jokes. I, too, laughed at the irony of Faulkner giving Joo her first foodgasm. Though, I agree, I want nothing to do with Joo’s, uh, gasm’s. Blech.

    Go Alex and Geoffrey!

  31. dave says:

    Did anybody notice how Alton spelled quinoa?? (keenwha) – top left of the easel.

  32. Dee says:

    This site obviously attracts a young crowd. Why all the nasty comments about theses chefs? They all seem like nice people. They each have their own personality and they all want to be the next iron chef. That’s what makes the show interesting.
    A lot of you young people today sure have nasty personalities, but I blame your parents for not teaching you how to treat other people with respect. None of you even know theses chefs. They deserve a higher grade of respect. They each have amazing talents in cooking skills that not a person on this site could compete.

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