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Ridiculous Holiday Recipe Of The Week: Candle Salads
---Ridiculous Food Network Recipe Of The Week: Rachael Ray’s Store-Bought Angel Food Cake
---Ridiculous Recipe of the Week: Racheal Ray’s Sorbet Bar
---Ridiculous Recipe Of The Week: Rachael Ray’s Root Beer Floats
---Holiday Recipe Of The Week: Sandra Lee’s “Sensuous Chocolate Truffles”
General: Food Humor »
Ridiculous Holiday Recipe Of The Week: Candle Salads
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Okay, so this one isn’t technically from Food Network… it’s a user-submitted recipe from Penzey’s spice catalog. And guess what, y’all? Laurel Cosbie just can’t wait to dig out her holiday recipes and make these peen salads for her husband, DICK! Yeah. You just can’t make this stuff up, folks.
Want to make this at home? Just shove a banana into a pineapple ring, and add some random splooges of cream cheese for that nice semen-y look. Yum-o and delish!
Great recipe, Laurel! I know a lot of people who would just love to gobble that up this holiday season.
(Thanks for the tip, Faron!)
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---Ridiculous Food Network Recipe Of The Week: Ina Garten’s Cheese Platter---Ridiculous Food Network Recipe Of The Week: Rachael Ray’s Store-Bought Angel Food Cake
---Ridiculous Recipe of the Week: Racheal Ray’s Sorbet Bar
---Ridiculous Recipe Of The Week: Rachael Ray’s Root Beer Floats
---Holiday Recipe Of The Week: Sandra Lee’s “Sensuous Chocolate Truffles”
- General: Food Humor
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73 Responses
I’m shocked that Aunt Sandy didn’t think of this one first.
Or Paula Deen and then perhaps Gina Neely.
And Booby Deen of course.
And Tuschman.
Or guy wishing he was largers
And Chiarello
Chiarello AND Zakarian with a ruler
Not semi-ho enough….too much fresh fruit. Although, hollowed out, it might make a delightful cocktail. ;)
A shooter, even.
I know! Right!!!
My first thought when I saw the picture was Aunt Sandy strikes again!
I made that “recipe” in 1950 when I was 10 yo, hasen’t improved any over the years.
I was going to say the same thing. I learned how to make it back in the 50s when I was in Brownies and I thought I was really doing something.
i have not one but TWO books that have a recipe for this very salad. the first was published in the late 50′s and is called “things to make and things to do”, part of the bookshelf for girls and boys collection.
the second is the better homes and gardens book of children’s birthday parties, published sometime in the mid 60′s. (sorry, i don’t have either of these books handy at the moment or i’d give more specific publishing dates).
things to make and do books!!!!! i remember how obsessed i was over those books. thanks for bringing that back. but the “salads” are horrendous
My God! I think I had a book that was “things to make and things to do” back around 1959 or so. I’m amazed at the memories that get dredged up.
But I don’t remember anything this gross looking, even as a little kid I think this would have looked gross to me.
The book I had was more craft oriented; I don’t remember anything with food. MAybe it was a series…
I’ve also received some Penzey’s catalogs lately but don’t recall seeing this. They do picture some weird shit in them though.
I remember seeing a very similar recipe years ago in a cookbook for kids, next to the sailboat salads (pear halves filled with cottage cheese on lettuce). Obviously, the phallic subtext went over my 10 year old head at the time!
I inherited that set from my mother. I spent hours making crafts out of boxes, cans, and scraps of fabric from the Things To Make and Do book . Give a kid that book and they’ll keep themselves busy for a loooooong time.
Although it’s missing the jiz cumming out of the top – the person who submitted this recipe basically stole the idea from the old “Make a Saturday!” PSA that played during Saturday morning cartoons in the 70′s and 80′s
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NozOppLXh18
OMG… talk about nostalgia! I loved those Time for Timer cartoon/PSA things, along with Schoolhouse Rock!!
“I hanker for a hunka cheese……”
I was going to post the link for “The Saturday” too! I saw that and I was like wait a minute…that looks familiar! Hahha how lame!
That’s the first thing I thought of too. Now I have that stupid song stuck in my head…
“Put a half a banana in a pineapple ring,
add yogurt creamy smooth,
pop a grape on top and THAT’S!
a Saturday for you…”
Anyone who is laughing at this should check out Lileks.com and go to the Gallery of Regrettable Food in the Official Cheer section of the site. Funny (and gross) stuff. I am a big fan of The Story of Bread.
Thanks for the tip! That shit is funny.
I’ve been busting a gut reading about Aunt Jenny and all the crap she makes with Spry shortening. Can’t wait to read the others.
Gotta love Can-A-Day Jenny!
Lileks.com is an awesome site. My vintage-cookbook obsession is probably all that site-owner’s fault.
I wasn’t thinking candles when I first saw the photo.
Maybe everyone isn’t penis-obsessed.
Just sayin’.
I feel sad for people who aren’t.
Just women who make “Candle Salad” for their husband Dick?
Ferd….those don’t look like any candle I’ve ever seen.
Callilng Dr Freud, someone’s got something other than eating on their minds!
I giggled at the ‘thanks for the tip!’ at the end of the post.
This is reminiscent of a PSA that used to air during Saturday morning cartoons in the 70s. It was gross then and it’s gross now!
Worse than that, if you google ‘candle salad’, a bunch of stuff comes up. Most recipes (and I use that term loosely) call for mayo jizzing down the sides & a cherry on top. A CHERRY!!!!!
BWAHAHAHHAAHAHHAAAAA!!!!!!
Oh come on, those look nothing like candles! and how would you even eat those things, I mean, seriously!
You don’t eat it….you deep throat it! If i ordered something that looked like that for a date, she would slap my face, call me a pig and walk out of the place.
I suspect the slapping you in the face would come more from you having the audacity to order FOR your date. Plus, if you happen to come across a restaurant that serves this monstrousity, I wouldn’t advise eating there…
Hey! Now I know what to serve at my next orgy! :)
A nice, dignified orgy for forty?
Just curious, what kind of “spice” does this use for it to make that catalog?
Reminds me of the dessert May Boatright makes in The Secret Life of Bees lol
good gracious, the “flame” on the “candle” looks like a gigantic herpes blister on the tip of the peen.
I hope Duff Goldman doesn’t see this or he will be deep throating it too.
I wonder if Ina has ever served this to her friends.
somehow I don’t think Ina’s friends would have any trouble at all coming up with a use for this one, and consuming it isn’t at the top of the list.
You know, I’ve got a few cookbooks with that “recipe,” but I just realized I have never actually seen a photo of this thing. I’m realizing now why I remember reading that women were warned never to serve Candle Salad to any meal with men present.
The word “peen” never fails to make me want to giggle like a Japanese schoolgirl. “Come getcher peen salad, Dick!”
Oh my god, I’m so serious, my grandmother loves to make these every year, and they are absolutely vile. She does use cream cheese, she uses mayonnaise. So. Fucking. Nasty.
My grandmother had the same recipe. She stopped making it when my male cousins turned 10 or so due to all the snickering
Thank you for reminding me why I hate bananas!
The new Amy Sedaris crafting book has this in it as well. And I concur that the only way to eat this is with your mouth.
The “salad” looks like a cross between a nipple and a penis – a nipplepeen!
I had been looking for a new recipe to dump during that dull old bobbing for apples….
I love Penzey’s! Alton Brown uses their real vanilla extract, after all. But when I got this catalog in the mail I had to do a double-take. Really?! This hardly even utilizes spices. I smell a vindictive layout editor…
[...] which I made and which was unexpectedly discussed on Watch What Happens Live! the other night and here, and frosted sandwich loaf (I love my forebears tendency to hide savory meals in something that [...]
I saw this in “The Campbells Soup Kids at Home” book, published some time in the 1950s. It was a book that stayed at Grandma’s house, so it was probably my sister’s at one point. I don’t think I ever saw it as more than a banana stuck in a pineapple ring, but I think I was 10 the last time I saw it.
I had the same cookbook in the 50′s. Time to make these with my 4 and 5 year old grandkids and watch my son-in-law squirm.
I had a book with this recipe in it when I was a kid in the 50s–I think it was from the Rand McNally Bookshelf Elf series and it had a brother and sister making stuff. This was called a Flagpole Salad and the banana tip was topped with MAYONNAISE and had a maraschino CHERRY on top. I can just hear those jaded postwar writers/artists talking–”Run it up and see who salutes!”
Just adding this here because this recipe looks like something Aunt Sandy would make-she’s on the “Today” show right now with Kathie Lee & Hoda, and she just said “Expresso.” Jesus.
If that woman doesn’t learn to pronounce “espresso” and “refrigerator” (it is NOT “fidgeratur,” you ignorant baboon–about once every third show she says “fidgeratur”), I will throw something at my television and send Food Network the bill for a new one!
This belongs in James Lileks’s book The Gallery of Regretable Food. Laurel, you pig!!
At least it was served on a nice bed of lettuce. Now thats class!!
What, nobody’s going to make fun of the shirt that gink is wearing in the photo?
So…ummm…am I supposed to eat that dish or take it to the bedroom? Just askin! : )
…They could’ve at LEAST laid two peaches, side-by-side on the pineapple, C’MON PEOPLE!!
Naturally, you’d stuff Giada’s pork chop with one of these.
C’mon…candles? Honey, the only way that would look like a candle is if that candle came from a sex shop, which from the looks of it, you frequent regularly. Either that, or you are severely sexually repressed, Freud would have a field day.
This can also be called Dog Chub salad for the animal lover in the house!!
This was in last years winter catalog. I ripped it out and it hung on the fridge until August. It made me laugh every time.
ummmm….Phallicism aside, is this considered a ‘salad’ because of the lettuce lining the crap nobody should eat?