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Welcome to the FNH coverage of Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff. I’m your host, Jillian Madison… also known as “the only bitch dumb enough to devote a Sunday night to watching and recapping this trainwreck.” Glad you’re here.
If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s basically Worst Cooks in America with “celebrities.” Except… they’re not really celebrities. Let’s get one thing out of the way:
The competitors are not so much “celebrities” as they are mediawhores trying to hold onto their “fame” with a splintering piece of dental floss from their cosmetically over-enhanced teeth. They travel around from reality show to reality show, desperate to keep their faces in the limelight lest people forget the paparazzi once gave a damn about them 25 years ago.
So, where have we seen these people before? Joey Fatone and Aaron Carter were both on Dancing With The Stars. Summer Sanders was on Celebrity Apprentice. Coolio already had a failed cooking show called “Cooking With Coolio.” Cheech Marin was on a lame show called “Celebrity Duets.” Lou Diamond Philips was on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.” And Taylor Dayne was on a show called “Gone Country” in which old musicians vied to revive their recording careers in the country music genre.
From the looks of it, though, Taylor hasn’t so much “gone country” as she has “gone to the plastic surgeon
And what about Miss USA? She is definitely a beautiful woman, but I want to sit on her and force-feed her cheeseburgers and milkshakes. Why is she even on this cooking show? She looks like she hasn’t eaten solid food since the Reagan administration. She’s like the Crypt Keeper with tits. You know I’m right.
Anyway, the competitors on Guy’s team are Coolio, Cheech Marin, Miss USA, and Joey Fatone. The competitors on Rachael’s team are Summer Sanders, Aaron Carter, Lou Diamond Philips, and Taylor Dayne.
A big shout-out to Coolio for finally bringing the fine art of “subtle penis touching” to the Food Network. I’m not exaggerating when I say he touched his dick about 12 times in the first 5 minutes.
For the first challenge, each competitor had to create a dish to feed 150 people. It was as awful as you might expect. Cheech and Lou were the only 2 who seemed to have any clue about cooking. The rest of them aimlessly wandered around the kitchen looking more lost than Kim Kardashian in an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day (no black penis, the horror!).
Aaron Carter was the worst. He had absolutely no clue how to make a ranch dip, and instead just pouted and sucked on his finger a lot. Where the hell is Sandra Lee with a bottle of vodka and a package of Hidden Valley when you need her???
Halfway through the cooking (and I use that term loosely), Rachael and Guy came out to see how everyone was doing. This was basically just 5 minutes of Guy Fieri walking around saying things like “how you is”, peppered with Rachael Ray making her ridiculous trademark faces. I captured two. Not sure which I liked more, so you get both.
I just realized I’ve mentioned “penises” and “dicks” several times in this recap. I blame Coolio. Bygones.
The “event” was held in a parking lot. Once all the food was served, it was time for the “entertainment” (and once again, I use that term loosely.) It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen on TV in years, and featured Aaron Carter singing and grinding with some bystander while Taylor Dayne hummed into a microphone in the background. I literally cringed.
It was no surprise that Rachael’s team lost, and Taylor Dayne/Aaron Carter were the bottom performers. They had to do a 10-minute cookoff with a secret ingredient: shrimp. Rachael and Guy then tasted the dishes in a blind taste test.
This was basically just food poisoning waiting to happen. These 2 clowns had no clue what they were doing. Aaron Carter dumped 12 tablespoons of garlic powder over a stick of butter. Taylor Dayne sauteed her shrimp and threw breadcrumbs at them while they were simmering in the pan. It was ridiculous.
In the end, Aaron Carter was eliminated from the show. Did anyone care? No.
I’m going to be blunt here: this show is HORRIBLE. It’s not entertaining, it’s not funny, it’s not educational. It’s not engaging, quirky, or memorable. it’s just AWFUL. I could barely get through the entire hour. I’m predicting horribly low ratings, virtually no press, and a bunch of people just not giving a shit.
Food Network needs to leave shows like this where they belong: on TLC or VH1, sandwiched between shows about 30-year old virgins and obese people who have to be air-lifted from their homes. But then again, that’s just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.
What did you think of the show?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:---FNH RECAP: Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff, Episode 3
---FNH RECAP: Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff, Episode 2
---Rachael vs Guy: Celebrity Cookoff Is Coming
---Stupidest Tweets To Celebrity Chefs: Part 1
---Rachael Ray Named One Of The Top 10 Worst Celebrity Tippers
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