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FNH RECAP: Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff, Episode 1
Posted by Jillian Madison

Welcome to the FNH coverage of Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff. I’m your host, Jillian Madison… also known as “the only bitch dumb enough to devote a Sunday night to watching and recapping this trainwreck.” Glad you’re here.

If you’re not familiar with the show, it’s basically Worst Cooks in America with “celebrities.” Except… they’re not really celebrities. Let’s get one thing out of the way:

The competitors are not so much “celebrities” as they are mediawhores trying to hold onto their “fame” with a splintering piece of dental floss from their cosmetically over-enhanced teeth. They travel around from reality show to reality show, desperate to keep their faces in the limelight lest people forget the paparazzi once gave a damn about them 25 years ago.

So, where have we seen these people before? Joey Fatone and Aaron Carter were both on Dancing With The Stars. Summer Sanders was on Celebrity Apprentice. Coolio already had a failed cooking show called “Cooking With Coolio.” Cheech Marin was on a lame show called “Celebrity Duets.” Lou Diamond Philips was on “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.” And Taylor Dayne was on a show called “Gone Country” in which old musicians vied to revive their recording careers in the country music genre.

From the looks of it, though, Taylor hasn’t so much “gone country” as she has “gone to the plastic surgeon

And what about Miss USA? She is definitely a beautiful woman, but I want to sit on her and force-feed her cheeseburgers and milkshakes. Why is she even on this cooking show? She looks like she hasn’t eaten solid food since the Reagan administration. She’s like the Crypt Keeper with tits. You know I’m right.

Anyway, the competitors on Guy’s team are Coolio, Cheech Marin, Miss USA, and Joey Fatone. The competitors on Rachael’s team are Summer Sanders, Aaron Carter, Lou Diamond Philips, and Taylor Dayne.

A big shout-out to Coolio for finally bringing the fine art of “subtle penis touching” to the Food Network. I’m not exaggerating when I say he touched his dick about 12 times in the first 5 minutes.


For the first challenge, each competitor had to create a dish to feed 150 people. It was as awful as you might expect. Cheech and Lou were the only 2 who seemed to have any clue about cooking. The rest of them aimlessly wandered around the kitchen looking more lost than Kim Kardashian in an Irish pub on St. Patrick’s Day (no black penis, the horror!).

Aaron Carter was the worst. He had absolutely no clue how to make a ranch dip, and instead just pouted and sucked on his finger a lot. Where the hell is Sandra Lee with a bottle of vodka and a package of Hidden Valley when you need her???

Halfway through the cooking (and I use that term loosely), Rachael and Guy came out to see how everyone was doing. This was basically just 5 minutes of Guy Fieri walking around saying things like “how you is”, peppered with Rachael Ray making her ridiculous trademark faces. I captured two. Not sure which I liked more, so you get both.

I just realized I’ve mentioned “penises” and “dicks” several times in this recap. I blame Coolio. Bygones.

The “event” was held in a parking lot. Once all the food was served, it was time for the “entertainment” (and once again, I use that term loosely.) It was one of the most embarrassing things I’ve seen on TV in years, and featured Aaron Carter singing and grinding with some bystander while Taylor Dayne hummed into a microphone in the background. I literally cringed.

It was no surprise that Rachael’s team lost, and Taylor Dayne/Aaron Carter were the bottom performers. They had to do a 10-minute cookoff with a secret ingredient: shrimp. Rachael and Guy then tasted the dishes in a blind taste test.

This was basically just food poisoning waiting to happen. These 2 clowns had no clue what they were doing. Aaron Carter dumped 12 tablespoons of garlic powder over a stick of butter. Taylor Dayne sauteed her shrimp and threw breadcrumbs at them while they were simmering in the pan. It was ridiculous.

In the end, Aaron Carter was eliminated from the show. Did anyone care? No.

I’m going to be blunt here: this show is HORRIBLE. It’s not entertaining, it’s not funny, it’s not educational. It’s not engaging, quirky, or memorable. it’s just AWFUL. I could barely get through the entire hour. I’m predicting horribly low ratings, virtually no press, and a bunch of people just not giving a shit.

Food Network needs to leave shows like this where they belong: on TLC or VH1, sandwiched between shows about 30-year old virgins and obese people who have to be air-lifted from their homes. But then again, that’s just my opinion. Your mileage may vary.

What did you think of the show?

…………crickets



Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---FNH RECAP: Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff, Episode 3
---FNH RECAP: Rachael vs Guy Celebrity Cookoff, Episode 2
---Rachael vs Guy: Celebrity Cookoff Is Coming
---Stupidest Tweets To Celebrity Chefs: Part 1
---Rachael Ray Named One Of The Top 10 Worst Celebrity Tippers

    163 Responses

  1. how’d I miss this?
    oh yeah win and yer in playoff game. go figure.
    go PACKERS!

  2. GoldPhalanx says:

    Great post, Jillian! :) As always!

    I totally agree it was SO AWFUL. When I saw the “entertainers” of the group doing their little acts in front of the crowd, I said “Wow, I do not want to live on this planet anymore.” Also Coolio rapping and saying the ever so common “And then there were *insert number here*” line, gag.

    The only redeeming factor (well for me and maybe some other people) was Joey Fatone. He is SO HOT xD

    • FuryOfFirestorm says:

      Agree with you on Joey. DO WANT!

      Aaron Carter, unfortunately, looks like Kenny Loggins’ younger, anorexic brother. Does the dude have dysentry or a tapeworm?

      So glad Aaron lost instead of Taylor. GO DIVA! If you can’t tell the difference between Ranch and 1000 Island dressing or manage to make a simple macaroni salad, then you better GTFO.

      All those people complaining about Taylor’s gazpacho being too spicy need to STFU. Gazpacho is supposed to be spicy, ya pussies!

    • bananacat says:

      I know I’m so cruel but I always thought of Joey as the “ugly one”, even when I was a teenager in the late 90s and would have jumped nearly any male. He was like the *Nsync counterpart of Kevin from BSB. My favorite was JC.

      • thestarvingstudent says:

        Ditto on all accounts. He was my least favorite back in middle school as well (when I would rank their “cuteness” I’d put him on the bottom followed by Timberlake, and JC and Lance as the top two). I also think Joey tries too hard to be funny, and it really shows next to people like Cheech, who actually are funny.

    • Holly says:

      In literally the only real celebrity run-in I’ve had in my entire life, I met Joey Fatone at the height of ‘Nsync’s popularity. He’s actually a really nice guy. I was babysitting two little girls who loved the band and he did pictures, autographs, the whole shebang. Cool dude. Sorry he’s stuck doing this show.

  3. Luke says:

    I saw the commercials for it while watching Good Eats reruns…

    Sadly, Rachel Ray and Guy Ferry are bigger “celebrities” than any of the contestants. And that is saying EVERYTHING about them.

    • Jimbo says:

      Bigger than everyone except Cheech,though. Cheech Marin should sneak some pot into all the dishes and watch them feel pretty GOOOOD! All we need is Tommy Chong, throw out Rachel and Douche Boy and we got a real show.

  4. Steve says:

    Jillian, you are a courageous person to subject yourself to that kind of torture for the benefit of complete strangers.

    BTW, the Kardashian joke was well done.

    I have another that is just plain offensive… Might share, might not.

    • Lana says:

      Oh, share. Go ahead and share. After watching Coolio practically stroke it on TV, I can’t possibly be offended by any mere comment you could make.
      ;-)

  5. Mimarin says:

    I love those obese people shows. :D

    And yeah, I never planned on caring about this show but I always like reading entertaining recaps. ^^ Endure for us, Jillian! <3

  6. CityBoy says:

    I watched. This show is like a train wreck, or the Kardashians. It’s horrible, and depressing…but you can’t help watching it. I liked Aaron, but only because I thought they needed his whinging for a few more episodes. Other than that, yeah, it was painful.

  7. Stephanie says:

    Hey, Lou Diamond Philips is cool, okay.

  8. Bernice says:

    What is this, The Surreal Life?

  9. Lana says:

    Hey, Coolio, how’s it hangin’? A bit to the left, eh?

    • EQSATUB says:

      So’s Cheech Marin, and they’re the only two that somewhat redeemed their participation in this show; the rest were just plain awful and embarrassing. Based on the “entertainment” portion, I cannot fathom how Aaron Carter became famous for actually singing!

      • AKW says:

        From what I can remember his fame came half from being an adorable child and the other half came from being Nick Carter’s little brother.

  10. amy says:

    Ooookay, I didn’t see the show, but from that screen cap, the Miss USA chick does not look like a skeleton. She looks thin, but toned.

    Man, what a bunch of sad has-beens.

  11. labyrinthine says:

    I said that they called this show “Rachael vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-off” because the suits at Food Network rejected the original title: “A Confederacy of Douches”.

  12. crabby says:

    If this show lasts longer then Kim Kardashian marriage something is wrong

  13. Bayl says:

    Miss USA is gorgeous, oh man…

  14. Toler Flyrence says:

    Wow…thanks for watching this, Ms. Madison! I guess I didn’t miss anything. My “interest” in this show lies somewhere between apathy and morbid curiosity–not really enough to actually turn this show on and observe. For me, Guy & Rachel are easy targets–so easy that I usually give them a pass. They seem like the kind of people you’d be able to tolerate if they were somehow in your circle of friends. I just didn’t care enough about the other *celebrities* to see it, though.
    And by the way, is there a pool going for how many episodes you’ll actually watch? I hope you don’t have a gas oven or a long piece of rope handy.
    Keep up the good work (I was going to say ‘hang in there’ but felt it was too soon after the rope comment), and thanks again for your courage.

  15. deb says:

    miss USA is anorexic.
    you can see her BONES, people.
    and I see litttle muscle there, toned or not.

  16. deb says:

    oh yeah….GO PACK

  17. Cindy says:

    How clever of Guy’s team to suggest a pinata for their Mexican themed party. It’s not a 6 year old’s birthday party!

    The expression on Guy’s face listening to the team’s lame/cliche ideas was priceless.

    Really disturbing watching Aaron Carter smelling and sticking his fingers into the “ranch dressing” he spent all his time

    That brick of congealed macaroni is the most awesome f*** up I’ve seen on a cooking show in a long time. Somebody forgot to rinse in cold water!

    • Artemis says:

      I know, when that macaroni bouced as one whole piece of starchy nightmare, I groaned aloud.
      Did anyone burn with embarrassment when that blonde chick started dirtying up the stage area with Aaron Carter?
      lol…I turned away from the shame-by-proxy.

  18. Chef Symon's Pork Fat Impacted Colon says:

    The only redeeming factor of this show would be if one of the contestants gave a terminal case of diarrhea to Rachel and Guy.

  19. kristyn says:

    Bright side…. worst cooks in america’s new season soon! ?

    • FuryOfFirestorm says:

      So looking forward to Worst Cooks season 3. Watching Anne beat Bobby Flay like the ugly red-headed stepchild he is will be DELICIOUS.

  20. bananacat says:

    I am actually so disappointed because the premise of this should could have been so good. If they picked two hosts that I can actually stand watching without gouging my eyes out and picked a slightly higher letter than D-list for the celebrities, this could have actually been good. What a waste of an idea and an hour of airtime.

    Kind of random, whatever happened to Food Network Challenge? I always liked that show and it was pretty separate from all the other shows. I hope they’ll bring it back. I once had a really weird dream about Kerry Vincent as a house mother in a Hogworts-like boarding school. She made us all eat cheese flavored cereal as a punishment for breaking curfew. It’s not a good idea to watch FNC and a Harry Potter movie in the same night.

  21. Thomas says:

    I watched something else during the first showing. On the second showing I flashed in an out and just couldn’t take it.

    What is the point of Rachel and Guy? Maybe I missed the part where they actually do something.

    And Mexican mustaches? What. I don’t mind stereotypical jokes, but that is just dumb.

    I thought this would be like Worst cooks where they were taught to cook. But I guess not.

  22. Patrick says:

    I “watched” (in the loosest sense of the term) it. Even with the distraction of doing something while watching it, I didn’t care. There’s no drama and no stakes to speak of.

    Rachael Ray and Guy have images to maintain (Ray as a likable talk show host, Guy as a middle-aged fratboy), so they won’t yell at the “celebrities” or cut them down. It’s also the same reason they won’t talk trash or show any signs that they care whether their team wins or not. When the contestants come up with ideas, Ray and Guy just nod in agreement and don’t just tell them how stupid their idea is. When they judge, they sound like kindergarten teachers who try to avoid sounding even remotely critical lest the kid’s parents storm the school and reprimand them for crushing their special snowflake. As a result, they choke down mediocre food and praise even the most basic things (e.g. praising Aaron for serving shrimp in a bowl as opposed to just serving it in his hands or something).

    The contestants all have cooking experience and have no reasons why they need to improve, so it’s clear this is all to hit the snooze alarm on their 15 minutes of fame. And while competing for charities that mean something should give some impetus, it’s killed when you realize that even as Z-listers, they likely have 50 grand to kick around. If they really cared about their charity, they’ll shell out regardless.

  23. PeteC94 says:

    While flipping channels I ended up watching about a minute of if before I said “what fresh hell is this!?” and switched over to the Cartoon Network.

    Seriously though, this is one of those shows where the list of stars was enough to tell anyone with a few working brain cells to stay the hell away.

  24. Corinna says:

    Apparently my DVR didn’t think this show was worth my watching because neither episode recorded. It chose reruns of other shows to record instead. After reading this recap I think I will hug and thank my DVR for putting this show as ‘lowest priority’.

  25. Amanda says:

    You neglected to mention the ego trips in their introductions.

  26. jon says:

    Miss USA needs to start eating more than 600 calories a day. Cheech and Lou are OK, Fat one (not a typo) is funny in a pathetic way as he cruises from show to show desperately trying to stay relevant. The rest of the lot are just terrible, as is the show. However, like a train wreck, it will draw some people to watch just to see how bad the end result will be.

    • Lorraine says:

      THANK YOU!!! Summed up my feelings exactly … and I’m deleting the Tivo Season Pass ASAP! Don’t get me wrong, I love me some *good* competition shows (notice the word *good*) but there’s no way I have any more time for this godawful train wreck!

  27. Jackie says:

    Thanks for the recap! Over the last few weeks, every time I saw the promo for it, I said out loud, “They already did a show like this. It was called ‘Worst Cooks in America.’” When the time came for the first episode last night, unfortunately I had just returned from the ER after a back injury and was too filled with painkiller and muscle relaxer injections to want to watch (or record) anything on TV so I went right to bed. (Of course, the pain meds might have made the show more bearable!) Looks like I didn’t miss much!

  28. Craig says:

    I can’t find the energy to care about this show one way or the other. That’s how I feel about FN now as a whole. I used to turn it on when there was nothing else on tv (which was fairly common). Now, I just turn the tv off without even checking FN because I know there’s nothing on I care about with GE gone and few actual cooking shows.

    I haven’t watched this, and I won’t ever watch it. Thanks for the recap Jillian, but I doubt many will blame you if you ignore it.

  29. Fia says:

    I’m so glad you provided a recap. I missed the first airing because I was picking my 23-year-old sister (who has no driver’s license) up from work, and I missed the second airing because even though I was sitting in front of it and trying to pay attention, said sister refused to stop talking long enough for me to even get the gist of what was going on. I was really looking forward to snarking about it with my FN bitch buddy, but neither of us could get a word in edgewise, let alone follow the show over the chatter.

  30. jj says:

    Well, I was watching football during the show (Giants/Dallas – hate ‘em both, but it was a good game). When I saw the contestant list, I figured (and you have confirmed) that Cheech and Lou would be the only ones to have a clue about cooking. Funny how it happened that they’re on opposite teams, eh? The rest of the cast is elimination fodder.

    I have to ask this, though. Did you do some crime for which you’re performing the community service of actually watching and recapping this horror? Because if you did, you should probably talk to your PO about having the hours count triple or quadruple.

  31. So There says:

    I wouldn’t watch this crap if someone bound and gagged me to a chair. Just hearing the lineup made
    me yell L O S E R S. FN needs to go on hiatus until they learn how to program.

  32. VICKI says:

    Jillian, I hereby award you a Badge of Courage and also an Iron Stomach Award for actually making it through this nauseating mess of a show. I knew when I turned it on that it was going to be bad, but it was so HORRIBLE in every way you pointed out that I only lasted 10 minutes. Plus I just couldn’t get past Taylor Dane’s face (her huge, distorted lips in particular). She looks like that woman who is now held up as an example of plastic surgery gone way bad.

    Regarding the new season of “Worst Cooks in America,” I was really disappointed to see that Anne’s competition will be Bobby Flay. Gag me. I can’t stand him and I really liked her chemistry with Robert Irvine. Plus, as someone pointed out, at least people actually learn how to cook on that show.

    Anyway, thanks again for yet another entertaining review of something that doesn’t even deserve to be on ANY TV channel.

  33. squawky says:

    (Long time reader, first time poster) – love your recaps. Accidentally watched the first 5-10 minutes of this thing and couldn’t handle much more (once I found the remote, off it went). As soon as they started picking teams playground style, it was clear this wasn’t a show about cooking/food. Has-been celebrities or not, this could have been “Worst Cooks, the Celebrity Edition”. The production quality is horrible (seriously, do they have high school kids on internships putting this thing together?), and the premise is plain lame.

    Thank you for surviving it for the rest of us – hopefully it won’t last long…

  34. myra44 says:

    This program was simply sad. Pathetic has beens with no knowledge of cooking whatsoever were set loose to feed a crowd in a parking lot. Aaron Carter’s effort was faked to be able to put SOME food out to the guests. His pasta was one lump glued together. They showed him hacking at this lump and trying to break it apart. When the pasta was served it was fine, no evidence of abuse from Carter. Guy had no problem with this in his “advice” moment. The parking lot was the perfect venue for this amateurish and depressing event.

    • Ball Peen says:

      Finally, a comment by someone who watched the show. Most of the comments are by people who didn’t watch the show or just the first 10 minutes

  35. ohhhdang says:

    heck no!!! id rather be dead than watch that crap. there have been so many commercials that include guy and rachel saying “huuuuuge” and ughhhh. sooo many levels of worng on that show!!!

  36. thegolli says:

    I think that this is a limited “season” kind of show. FN is going to this more and more. I know they have endless reruns, but I think they like to film these type of shows for a few weeks and show them on Sundays (big ratings day) and see if they will grab an audience.

    I think Bama Glama is like that and maybe Have Cake Will Travel, etc. Let’s just hope BG will go the way of Have Cake. I don’t think RvsG will really be around more than the month of January (let’s hope).

    • bananacat says:

      It’s a competition show so this will last until there is only one contest remaining. That means 7 or 6 total episodes (might be a double elimination), and at least one and a half months. Thankfully they started with only 8 competitors so it won’t take too long to kill them all off, but there’s really just no way to speed up this kind of train wreck.

  37. Boke1 says:

    I can’t believe FN has given RR and GF yet another opportunity to be loud, obnoxious and painfully repetitive on TV. At this point FN’s head of programming is just holding the rope and cashing the checks. Did anyone notice how many times Rachael said “literally?” I’m sure given an hour it was copious. I admit I didn’t watch because I was about to go to sleep and didn’t want nightmares but I’ve seen the promos and this is just pathetic. Maybe Coolio thought he was making a crab dish and wanted fresh ones.

    • MrStPaul says:

      It’s not THAT surprising, is it? How many episodes of DDD were shown over the holidays? It’s because for whatever reason, Ferry’s tired frat boy act works with the masses. His show draws huge ratings compared to the rest of the FN lineup. I don’t get it myself. I can’t stand him. I want to scream at him, “Hey BRO….1996 called. They want their lame-ass catchphrases back!”

      As for RR…she did an interview with the AV Club last week where she dropped the nugget of info that her and Brooke Johnson are best friends. As long as Brooke is running FN, expect to see plenty of RR.

      • bananacat says:

        I actually don’t understand why RR even bothers with Food Network anymore. She got a talk show on a “real” tv station. Why is she bothering with a cable station anymore?

      • Boke1 says:

        I guess I meant “I am disgusted” rather than “I can’t believe.” These 2 ill-mannered slobs make me lose my appetite and are much of the reason I rarely watch FN anymore when I used to be a huge fan. That’s why I read this site – to get the latest highlights without actually having to watch the shows.

  38. Girl Fairy says:

    The only thing I can say about this is thank God I have the Cooking Channel, where I can find reruns of Good Eats. It’s only a matter of time before FN ruins the CC too, but until then I’ll still watch shows like Good Eats, Simply Baking, Chuck’s Day Off, French Food at Home, etc. You know, shows where they actually COOK FOOD!
    I think it’s insulting that FN would think it’s audience would want to watch this crap. Jillian, you’re right, this belongs on lame-ass VH-1 or TLC.

  39. Dr.L. says:

    Now that the first show has paid for Ms.Ray’s collagen, can it.

  40. Plumpy says:

    This shit fest is the biggest waste of time since Stevie Wonder went to a mime festival.

  41. Ava says:

    I thought it was fantastic in that it was such a train wreck.

    Summer Sanders seems on top of things…I especially liked when she goes “and then I realized this is not a swimming competition.” Really? You don’t say? What gave that away? The fact that you’re not in a pool?

    And Miss USA? You think she’s out to give Giada a run for her money with the low cut tops? I’m just waiting for Guy Ferry to start groping her. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.

    Coolio cracks me up. I’m sure people are going to get all bent out of shape because he swears…he mentioned “bitch” at least once that FN failed to edit out. Loved that remark! Tee hee hee!

    I was really sad to see Aaron go though…the kid clearly doesn’t know up from down. And from the finger sucking to the disgust every time he tried one of his own dishes, I really enjoyed seeing what a hot mess he was.

    And lastly I thought it was sort of ironic that when Guy and Rachel were tasting the “dishes” at the end (can you call them that) they had nothing horrid to say about them. There’s no way that pasta was cooked through in 10 minutes. I’m sure they had to say something neutral at the very least.

    • Ina Garten DaVida says:

      Ava, I had the same thought exactly about Summer Sanders…Seriously, you didn’t figure out till NOW that it wasn’t a swimming competition…Jeebus.

  42. khintx says:

    I want to thank FN for giving us yet another show that we can love to hate and begs a drinking game all it’s own. Kinda like PioneerWoman. Maybe even better.

    I like to make a big bowl of popcorn too- something that I can intermittently hurl at the TV screen without making too much of a mess. Thanks FN!

    kh

  43. Chucks says:

    “Cooking with Coolio”!! LOL!

    • Jimbo says:

      Never saw Cooking with Coolio, thank God. Then again why watch a show in which a has been rapper scratches his balls, plays with his little sausage cooks food. Besides, this is the guy who took a Stevie Wonder song and fucked it up into “Gansta’s Paradise.” Remember when Weird Al parodied it and Coolio cried about it as if Weird Al was making fun of “his song.” Sorry Coolio, that’s Stevie’s song and also those without a sense of humor, except Cheech, end up on crap like this.

  44. Jillian, bless you. I purposely knew that I didn’t have to watch that monstrosity because you would have my back and give me the high (?) lights.

    I just couldn’t face a whole hour of “This is a one-way ticket to Flavortown” and “Yum-o.” Just. Couldn’t. Do it. My sphincter clenched just thinking about it.

    You always make me laugh. And hey, at least the finger-sucker is out. Now to see what happens to Package Handler.

  45. Geo says:

    As always, Jillian, you are my hero.

  46. Thanatos says:

    I was gonna watch this but there was anything else on, and I knew I could just read a recap here. Sounds about as miserable as I expected it to be from the ads.

  47. Kathy says:

    Thank you for “taking one for the team”. I knew this was going to be bad when they were promoting this crap-fest during Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve Pregame Show or whatever the three hours of Ryan Seacrest was ABC aired on Saturday night.

  48. J. Thomps says:

    Watching these really shitty cooks after watching some of the best chefs in the world (more or less) on Next Iron Chef, is such a bad transition. This show shoulda been in syndication first. Reminds me of a bad VH1 celeb-reality show.

    Since they’re really not celebrities, they’re not fun to watch, it’s basically the Worst Chefs in America, ‘cept worse because Guy Ferry is on it.

  49. MJ says:

    This was very painful to watch. Excruciating painful.

  50. Ina's Only Straight Friend says:

    My wife and I watched all of this train wreck. It was uncomfortably painful to watch these washed up former famous people try to cook. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

    I hope Joel McHale is watching. This show is a gold mine of Soup clips.

  51. Danielle says:

    This show was soooo boring! Don’t judge, but my sis and I were actually kind of looking forward to this. It seemed like potential for comedy gold, but it just fell flat. Guy was annoying, Rachel looked like they didn’t pay her nearly enough to be there and all of the “celebrities” were dull and uninteresting. I’m sure Aaron took his $10 for showing up, then left.

    • Dr.L. says:

      Racheal Ray ALWAYS acts like she’s the bitch in the room-she’ll pimp for the cameras but show her the money first, or you get nothing.

    • lizzie says:

      I was excited about it for the same reasons, I mean that’s what washed up celebrities are for right? comedy gold! But the entire time I was thinking how Aaron Carter was dumber than a stump and that he looked like a junkie that was airbrushed into looking decent. Also some girl deemed him worthy of grinding on… why god why?

  52. Deaner says:

    Is it just me, or is Taylor Dayne looking a little Tammy Faye Bakker-ish in that pic?

    Also, showing just how out of touch I am with popular culture, my first reaction at seeing Joey Fatone mentioned was “hey, wasn’t the he the older brother on Blossom?”

  53. Old71 says:

    Fuck it!!!!

  54. Marie says:

    I was mildly interested in seeing what the show was about, and was so bored I turned it off after the first 10 minutes. Way to go FN on wasting yet another time slot on a horrible show.

  55. i hope they cut off Coolio’s stupid hair things when he’s asleep and then cram them in Guy Frarari’s douche nozzle.

  56. Bellossom Ranger says:

    I feel sad that you hate Rae-Rae. I just saw her live show this morning and she was counting off the top ten dishes on her show which were loved, and it had home videos of people making her dishes. Her brownie waffles were delicious-looking and convenient(I live in a group home and we could use a waffle iron badly); to think she gets flak from you because you just see her in stupid shows like this is painful to watch. (I also collect her magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, it keeps me sane during my break times at day-hab.)

    I didn’t watch more than five minutes of the show and already I got tired of it and went back to NakaTeleeli’s videos where he whines “I hate Skeeeith, waaaaah!”, which are more entertaining.

    But after reading this and finding out that the two bottom contestants were eliminated in the same method as the last Next Iron Chef(Secret Ingredient cookoff), it makes me think that FN has just decided to sell its body to Reality TV and give the profits to keeping its little sister Cooking Channel alive. *sigh* Again, as I said, Food Network has jumped the shark. :(

    Happy New Year, *”****s! >_<

    • DicedOnion says:

      I don’t think she’s giving :”Rae-Rae” flak because of this show, or any of the other awful ones she’s been in. Rather, she’s judging her off the show that made her famous, her “Thirty Minute Meals”. It was the start to her career, and if you’re going to judge whether or not you like a personality, you do it on the show that sparks their fame. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Doesn’t mean she’s giving her a hard time just because, it means she doesn’t like her because she has plenty of qualities that make me want to peel off my own skin.

  57. DoubleStandard says:

    If we are going to talk about how skinny Miss USA is then why didn’t you comment on the size of Alex Guarnaschelli’s ass during next iron chef. That ass was so f-ing huge maybe she needs to be on “celebrity” fit club or maybe we’ll see her our grazing the fields during an episode of pioneer woman. Keep that fat cow behind the judge’s table so we only see the top half.

    • Carissa says:

      I’d rather watch Alex Guarnaschelli’s “fat ass” than Miss USA’s bony one any day of the week.

      • shorty j says:

        this x1000. God forbid a woman who works with food for a living have some meat on her bones. (I’m biased, mind you, because I’m a fat girl and completely unashamed of it. I think of it as an indicator that I have eaten lots of delicious food in my life.)

        not that shaming anyone for their body is okay, but seriously, fat jokes are cheap, and they carry a whole ‘nother layer of judgment on top.

        and on a fickle note, I would take Alex Guarnaschelli’s “fat cow” ass out to a nice dinner any day of the week. She’s smart, funny, talented, adorable, and ridiculously pretty.

      • Lisa says:

        These are cooking shows, not the size of my ass shows…… Alex is a great Chef, her talents along with her ass are going to the bank…. $$$$$$$$$$$$$

    • amy says:

      I’m not surprised that most of the people hating on her body are women, to be honest. If she were thick, people would be wondering how someone so “fat” could be Miss USA. Women can never win, and it’s mostly women tearing other women down. And it’s fucked up that it’s acceptable to make cracks about a thin woman’s appearance but if you say anything about a fat woman, you’re going to hell. It IS possible that she’s naturally thin and works out and diets on top of that. Not everyone who is skinny, or even bony, is like that because they have an eating disorder, you sheep.

      • Daniel says:

        Women can never win? She won Miss USA. She’s on television, she has a career that pays her for how he looks – not for how smart she is, how much good she does or how much she contributes to society. That she gets *paid* simply for being her is proof positive that women win.

        Unfortunately.

        • Daniel says:

          (I should clarify)

          It’s not unfortunate that women win, it’s unfortunate that some women “win” based on style over substance.

    • Sela says:

      Who the f*** trusts a skinny chef?

  58. NP says:

    Since this is a cooking show, I’m going to comment on the dumbest bit of cooking ‘wisdom’ from Rachael Ray – the longest macaroni salad it sits the more bland it gets. Really? Every macaroni salad I make, the flavors get better the longer they are combined together

    • Lauren says:

      Thank you! Exactly how I felt! I always make macaroni salad, put it in the fridge and then serve it NEXT day! So much yummier because the flavors get a chance to soak into everything!

    • pk says:

      Sorry but Rachael is correct here. Pasta salads should not be made in advance, they dry out in the fridge and lose their flavor.

      • al dente this says:

        Maybe in an open container. Even in a sealed container, you can add a touch of a liquid to brighten it up. They should definitely be made in advance.

    • Lisa says:

      I agree with you, I always refrigerate my macaroni salads over night….I think it makes them taste so much better

  59. Jersey Girl says:

    This was the saddest train wreck ever. I will only watch this if you keep blogging it. Please keep blogging!

    • Trey says:

      I feel the same way! After about the first ten minutes, I watched the show and tried to predict what kind of things Jillian would say about the show. It was actually kind of fun

  60. Keith Lee says:

    Watched for 5 minutes, bailed out! Horroawful!

  61. Thomas says:

    I would like to see Guy/RR cook a dish in 10 minutes. Just saying, even with shrimp that is a pretty small amount of time.

    Basically who can cook a shrimp with basic seasoning. Screw trying to make a composed dish.

    • Sara says:

      Thank you! That’s exactly what I said. The time limit seemed a little unfair. Even the chefs on Chopped get 20 minutes for their appetizer.

  62. Sasha says:

    You forgot to mention how Guy creepily eyeballed Miss USA girl (forgot her name), whom he so eagerly picked to be on his team.

    Also, the best part of the whole episode was when Aaron Carter decided to make ranch with thousand island dressing and tabasco.

    • al dente this says:

      Guy is a nasty-ass. I would rather have a full body search from TSA x 1000 than be eyeballed by that freak. Yuck.

  63. What an awful mess of a “show”. After seeing Aaron Carter with his fingers in his mouth trying to make ranch dressing I wanted to puke. People like him should never be allowed to prepare food.

  64. Rev Dr E Buzz says:

    Is it a problem when the Next Food Network Star is more a celebrity than these people?

    Maybe Cheech shoulda broken out some bud and made some brownies!

  65. Sue says:

    I refused to watch as I refuse to support either of the two “Food Network Chefs”. I’m glad to learn I didn’t miss a thing! Thanks for takin’ one for the team, Jillian! :)

  66. Law says:

    That Aaron Carter finger has been in Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff! It shouldn’t be allowed near anything, let alone food!

  67. LauraE says:

    I don’t have cable anymore, so the only way I get my Food Network fix is through your website, Jillian. (Although, I do miss Good Eats…sigh) What is wrong with Food Network?? They used to have good shows back in the day! It’s really sad that they are now just airing crap like this. I hope that one day they return to sensible programming…but I really doubt it.

  68. SixDegrees says:

    Y’know, the holiday season from Thanksgiving through New Years used to be the High Holy Days on FN. This year, I don’t think we’ve had the channel on for more than an hour during that whole time. Their programming is insipid dreck from sunup ’til sundown. Who the hell is in charge of program development over there these days? Cooking Channel had some promise, but they seem to be filling it in with old FN retreads instead of developing new, watchable talent – although I have to admit a weakness for “The Culinary Adventures of Baron Ambrosia” that ran over there as a special, and would actually watch more of those if they produced them.

  69. Seesa says:

    Great review As always Jillian.

    I watched the train wreck just out of curiosity. The only highlight is the “Celebs” are donating to charity. (You know Rae Rae and Douchie arent going to be donting their $$$.

    My first impression was its going to come down to Cheech vs Lou.

    Coolios tacos looked Horrible. What the heck did Summer Sanders make anyway? Was it the Gazpacho shooter that everyone took a tiny sip and put down?

    And didnt we all just KNOW Aaron Carter was a goner when he added tabasco to 1000 island dressing in hopes it was Ranch like? But the grossest thing was when he kept sticking his finger in the dressing to taste it. EEWWWW EWWWW EWWWWWWWWWWWW!
    I did chuckle when he was assembling his salad and the pasta came out of the pan in one big lump. Umm Aaron when making pasta for salad thats the one time you want to RINSE it in cold water.

    and the talent part was just pitful to watch Aaron bump and grind and Taylor humming in the mic. The pinata seemed fun at least. Tho I think for REAL fun they should have filled the pinata with the Macaroni Salad.

    As for the hosts. meh whats to say its Rae Rae and Douchwaffle. tho it did look like Douchers got his hair bleached for the occasion. everyone needs their 15 minutes I guess.

  70. ColK says:

    One of the reasons I watch shows like this is for the competition but when it’s a group of assclowns like this, it’s hard to watch. To address some earlier comments, I think the only reason most straight men would watch a show with Rachel Ray is because of her backside.

    They’re only airing crap like this now because when Worst Cooks In America starts in the second week of February, it will seem like great programming by comparison.

  71. ijs says:

    hey! we black people do, in fact, patronize irish pubs on st. patrick’s day. it’s the one day of the year where we get to laugh at white people being more ghetto than us. plus, the lime jello shots are 1.00, and you don’t lose hood points for ordering a bunch.

    other than that, spot on- this isht was a disaster.

    and is it just me or does that picture of aaron carter look like christian bale in ‘the machinist’???

  72. Roeser says:

    Thank you Food Network for once again inspiring me to turn off my TV and work on my Masters thesis. What once was my go to channel, is now my last resort channel. You have truly dumbed it down for the masses. Be very proud of yourselves.

  73. Steve says:

    This show should be re-titled “Rachael and Guy Meet the D-List”. I hope they were paid well to host this catastrophe. If they had some real celebrities on it would have a chance, but not this group of has beens and never weres.

  74. sprode says:

    Oh god… my mother insists upon watching the rerun right now. I’d rather be playing games, baking cookies, cutting off my ears, I don’t know…

  75. sprode says:

    Also, tell me I’m not the only one who saw the ad for “Fat Chef.”

    Yeah, Food Network is done.

    • Browsing says:

      No…I saw it too, it wasn’t a night terror.

      I think I saw part of a show the other night called ‘Food Attack’ or something like that. It looked like it was about people having allergic reactions to food & being taken to the hospital.

      There was also another show where people were wrangling alligators and they actually showed a human arm inside of one’s mouth!

      However, I haven’t been able to find any evidence that either show ever exited. I’m hoping I just imagined it, but then again, I’m pretty sure I didn’t.
      *Shivers…*

      • Jenny Oz says:

        Dude! I thought I was imagining it too but I too saw Food Attack or whatever it’s called! (although I was in the hospital at the time and thought I might have just been delusional from the meds). Why would FN air that? Was it a one time thing or is it a series? WTF?

    • GARLIC says:

      the ads for Fat Chef are so DEPRESSING. The FN is going to lose a “big” majority of their overweight audience (no pun intended) if they start airing shit like that!

  76. Mystrich says:

    Only entertaining part was Aaron being well, ridiculously bad. And even then, it got annoying fast. So yeah, I’m happy waiting until Worst Cooks 3. Though Bobby Flay is ruining a bit of it for me. Season 1 was great, Season 2 was meh, I’m hoping 3 is as good as #1 though. I really became attached to the people in season 1. They all seemed like REAL people and interesting people.

  77. Thomas says:

    Another reshowing. Payed more attention.

    Team Rachel’s “entertainment” seemed very awkward. No clue who Taylor Dane is but her being in the background trying to provide back-up was sad. And a random girl dancing…

  78. lew says:

    I watched the show. I actually like Guy on DDD, not so much for him , but for the places he goes. I also have a history in CA., and have dined at his first restaurant when it was new and a fresh concept and really enjoyed it.
    All that said, this was a very poor excuse for cooking or entertainment. Even the entertainment wasn’t. Cheech and LDP were familiar faces, the others not so much, and with all the surgery, Taylor Dayne did look rather Tammy Fayeish.
    That I missed Coolio discreetly or not touching the “package” is a disappointment. I may have found that to have some redeeming quality for an otherwise lousy show.
    Keep reality on the reality channels. FN, please look into programming shows about food, recipes, and cooking techniques. Alton, Ming, even Emeril far exceed the DRECK I sat through the other night hoping for some scant serving of (dare I say)YUMMOness.

  79. Galateasca says:

    I expected the show to be mildly entertaining in that “runaway celebrity freight train” sort of way. It was not. I am not sure who heads programming up at FN these days, but my 12 year old arthritic, nearly blind Lab could make better choices. Between Pioneer Woman, this crap, and the Extreme Chef, I think I’ll start watching the ID Network. At least their ‘butchering skills” are riveting.

    Sweet Genius is at least campy and pretentious, Sandwich King has Jeff and could be full of some fun- hell, even Aarti Party is better than this- but they are all on hiatus.

    I’d love to see some new ideas on FN- kids cooking, older people sharing recipes- I mean, anything is better than the crap they’ve put on FN this season. So sad.

    • Thomas says:

      Food network needs a dessert show. But I guess no one is stepping up. We need someonelike ALton to just produce it himself and sell it to them.

      Ace of Cakes (hahaha) and Sweet Genius don’t show you how to make desserts. And you always hear people cowering over desserts being this super precise science like being 1 gram off will ruin everything, gasp! Someone needs to just explain the basics.

  80. Hobbitopoly says:

    Well, after actually watching this waste of airspace last Sunday, I won’t be turning it on again. I knew it would be bad, but I figured it would be so bad I could have a few laughs with it.

    I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life for a group of people I don’t even know. This is seriously one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen on ANY network in a very long time.

    Food Network didn’t just jump the shark–they took it out for dinner, went back to the apartment for a quickie, then hurriedly dressed and left the shark a twenty-spot on the nightstand.

  81. Your Name says:

    So Aaron Carter is gay huh?

  82. Hobbygourmet says:

    Jillian: you are a brave brave woman for watching that. There is no way in hell for me to watch both of these effing media whores at the same time. No can do. Don’t care if they resurrect Caesar & Napoleon to compete on that show.

  83. Gobbl3s says:

    Why did they wait 2 seasons to air this garbage rather than cancelling it?

  84. flash says:

    Oh my god, what a horrible show, but after Taylor said she had an amazing voice, I knew it was pure gold. I literally could not wait for FNH to rip it to shreds. Please keep recapping the episodes. :)

  85. Sela says:

    Can I trade this and all shows like it to get Alton Brown his own show again? Please? He was the one worth watching!

  86. ju says:

    just want ot say why dont they get rid of all these food network clowns replace them with a new set of clowns get rid off alex she is the worst snob rachel voice gives me chills that zacharian is nasty thee other guy is just like him like i said the whole network is those nasty people get some new people or your network is going down why dont you listen to all the comments these people are right

  87. Melanie says:

    Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray………..turned me off from the get-go. Does it get any more obnoxious???

  88. Sea says:

    I think it’s fun to watch, honestly.

  89. kaybee says:

    I tried to watch it, “watch” being loosely applied to “had on in the background while I washed the dishes.” However, when they got to the wretched “entertainment” portion, I couldn’t take it anymore and deleted it.

    Thank you for suffering through this monstrosity for us so that we may be saved.

  90. Bobby says:

    Dont know why but I keep dreaming about Alex Guarnaschelli’s ass. I would totally eat out of her ass, then rub her asshole with crisco and then fuck the shit out of it until she is raw.

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