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If Paula Deen Was President…
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All these political debates on TV have got me thinking. What would happen if Paula Deen was President?
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The Star Spangled Banner would have to be sung: “Oh say can y’all see…”
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Mrs. Butterworth would be named the new White House Chief Of Staff.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The US Marines would be taught the fine arts of combat, stealth, and making gravy from pan drippings.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Meatballs would be considered legal tender.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… Paula Deen signature mattresses in every room of the White House.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…New Starbucks sizes: Tall, Grande, Venti, DEEN.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT… The Rose Garden would be made entirely of bacon.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Every mixing bowl would come with a box of hot Krispy Kreme donuts.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Jamie and Bobby would have their faces added to Mount Rushmore.
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…Air Force One would be painted to look like a fudgsicle.
What do you think would happen if Paula Deen was president?
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---If Rachael Ray Were President…---Paula Deen Getting Her Own Line Of Serta Mattresses
---Paula Deen Named Grand Marshal Of 2011 Rose Parade
---Paula Deen Has Her Own Line Of Mac and Cheese
---Paula Deen On The View
- Paula Deen
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61 Responses
OMFG! Hysterical!
HAHAHAHAHA @ Air Force One would be painted to look like a fudgsicle!!
…all politicians would have to wear historically-correct powered white wigs, just like hers.
If Paula were Prez she would pardon a pig destined for Smithfield instead of a turkey!
Everyone should be taught how to make gravy from pan drippings, along with how to make various meats that produce pan drippings.
To reduce or dependance on foreign oil, cars would be adapted to run on pig fat or butter, or a flex car, both.
Capn Groover would would head the NAVAL Forces
A butter churn in every kitchen!
Hamburger buns would be made of ham!
Any non-ham hamburger buns would be outlawed in favor of the use of Krispy Kreme glazed donuts!
All passenger jets would be re-fitted to accomodate the new american girth (ticket prices however, would skyrocket because only one person would be able to fit on a 747)
Foreign relations would crumble as she offers butter-fried ham to Israeli dignitaries.
I think she’d be better than what we have in there currently!
^ Best joke so far!
I bet if you replaced Congress with Paula Deen’s brood we’d get a lot more done.
She’d replace the Washington Monument with a giant stick of butter.
^ hahaha!!
Wilford Brimley would be awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom
… and be named the Secretary of Health and Human Services.
[...] If Stephen Colbert can run for President of the United States of South Carolina, why can’t Paula Deen jump in the race, too? Food Network Humor [...]
If Pauler Deen were President —– I’d be known as the Ex-Patriot, Scoobie-Doobie-Doo. No way I’d be staying around to see that.
If PAWWLA was president, I’d leave the country and hide someplace like Tatooine, Naboo or the Death Star. Alderaan off limits.
Butter would be a vegetable!
Her campaign slogan: “A cheesecake in every pot!”
And her speech would begin… “ask not what butter can do to you…”
^ that.
The U.S. capital would be moved to Savannah.
you stole MY answer!
The movie “Idiocracy” would no longer be considered a satire, but a prophecy.
good one!
The State of the Union Address would begin with “Hey, y’all!”
Not ONE single butter reference?!?!?!
If Paula were Pres, ooey-gooey butter cake would become part of the food pyramid..the largest serving portion of course!
IF PAULA DEEN WAS PRESIDENT…
Alton Brown would quietly emigrate to Europe.
Bobby Flay would concede his 176th consecutive Throw Down loss and congratulate Paula on her awesome win.
Sandra Lee would carry on being oblivious.
Giada De Laurentis would smile blindingly and exclaim “perfikt!” about 26 times during the inauguration speech.
We’d all be required to take a daily injection of Victoza, as per “Oh, Mama” care.
Guy Ferry would be appointed US ambassador to flavor town.
Budget director Rachael Ray would restructure spending based on the principles of her show “$40 A Day.”
Paula Inc. would introduce a new line of kitchen appliances sporting the Presidential seal.
Ina Garten still wouldn’t invite Paula over for lunch…
Tonymiles, you gave me miles and miles of smiles and an out-loud guffaw at the US ambassador to flavor town. Thanks!
Aw shucks, ma’am. ‘Tweren’t nuthin’
I’m pleased that you enjoyed it!
Very, very funny stuff, Tony, but somehow I don’t think she’d really share the spotlight with her FN colleagues.
‘Oh, Mama’ care…BRILLIANT! :D
OMG! That made me laugh!
wait, meatballs aren’t legal tender?! COME ON.
Bacon would be at the TOP of the food pyramid, followed by butter, lard, chocolate, and breakfast sausage.
Well, bacon should be at the top of the food pyramid anyway. :)
A big mug o’ melted butter, with a stick of crispy bacon stuck in it, would become our national beverage.
Indeed, the world would be a butter place.
LOL!
Instead of raiding the Middle East for oil we’d be investing heavily in the bacon grease industry.
Aw hell, Paula loves money and she’d find a way to infuse pure petroleum into her foods – we’d never know the difference.
Pawler would never be president. The President doesn’t make enough money.
But if she DID, Gay marriage would passed in every state immediately. Poor Bobby is getting tired of that closet.
Air Force One’s name would be changed to Butter Ya’ll One
Uncle Bubba as Secretary of State and her brother-in-law “Father Hank Groover” as the head of the Anti-Gay Priests’ Marriage Coalition!
I despise paula deen for any number of reasons, but I am all in on that slate.
‘cept my vote goes to j. she wrote the shit.
and I am a fan of writing or talking shit.
unless my feelings get hurt. then yer a piece of shit.
is that kinda zen-ish? I dunno. I’d like to think so.
If Pauler were President, Sarahcuda wouldn’t have anything to whine about how the guv’ment is telling us what to eat–we’d no longer hear Palin gritch, “Michelle Obama doesn’t want us to eat dessert.” :OP
If Paula was President, Jillian would be sharing a cell with Bourdain at Gitmo.
Bobby would be appointed first Secretary of Nepotism.
Butter would be declared a national holiday
“M-eye-Kill” would have to be the “First Bearded Lady.” Somehow think he’d be out of there so fast it would make your head spin.
If Paula Deen were President, the CEO of Pfizer would be her Vice President.
Is she on the take from them, too? I only knew about Novo Nordisk….
….the Presidential Seal would be redesigned so that the eagle would be clutching a pair of defibillator paddles.
Eh, a bit obscure. And not really all that funny. But it’s all I’ve got tonight, folks.
If Paula was President, she’d be the first woman president
…. and the first president to need a scooter.
If Paula became President, I would move to Portugal. America has embarrassed itself enough in recent years.
If Paula Deen were president, public officials would deny and maintain secrecy of any major disease diagnoses (for up to 6 years). During this 6-year period, they would have to shill products that contributed to their disease (i.e., lung cancer–> Cuban cigars; Type II diabetes–> Sugar sandwiches). If and when they were to release the information to the general public, they would need to act lightly surprised, but mostly disinterested. OH HEY WAIT.
i think the white house would be painted yellow, because then it would more closely resemble a stick of butter….. and mamma dean is coming home to “Butter House”
I know that she would turn ol’ faithful and/or Niagra falls into gigantic fondue fountains. Also, all school trips to the white house would have to be called off. Otherwise she would begin eating children, and we all know she can’t eat just one. Then she would wage war on canada for having the audacity to call those round pieces of ham………..bacon.
if paula were president i would move too. she embarrasses us here in the south enough as it is! we cant stand her here in savannah!!! >:{
SO glad to “meet” you too through the exhcgnae! Aren’t kitchen tools and gadgets so much fun to get? I am the same way when I get a new pot, pan, or small appliance – I end up using them every night for a while.
I have a good one, but I’ll wait a few years to tell you when I’ve got an endorsement deal!
If Paula Deen was president… ice cream trucks would be replaced with butter on a stick trucks.
Fried chicken would replace the eagle as the national bird.
If Paula Deen WERE President…
(Hey, if you can nit-pick, so can I! :) )