NOTE: FNH is on hiatus for a few months and will feature reposts and limited new material.
Ina Garten’s Hamptons Haiku Journal – Part 2
---Five Haiku Review: Top Chef Las Vegas Premiere
---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
---The Most Ridiculous Wall Street Journal Article Ever [Rockstar Chefs]
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Ina Garten’s Hamptons Haiku Journal – Part 2
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---Ina Garten’s Hamptons Haiku Journal---Five Haiku Review: Top Chef Las Vegas Premiere
---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
---The Most Ridiculous Wall Street Journal Article Ever [Rockstar Chefs]
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139 Responses
Terrific. I bet she would.
I know what kids want
Jordan almonds and Neccos
How easy is that?
Gotta love my gays
They have crowned me as their queen
Funny, they are queens
Coconut muffins
Good vanilla is the key
Just wait ’til they see
GEEZ! I was just about to say
The kids are coming
wafers and jordan almonds
I know what kids like
all I could think about were those nasty almonds. Those poor kids!
Funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Thank you FNH!
This is worthy of a Pulitzer. Hilarious!
My life is a wreck
Someone hid my Cuisinart
How good can that be?
Two sticks of butter
But it will make twelve cupcakes
Now my ass is fat
Frank is my best friend
He’ll eat whatever I cook
And pretend I’m smart
Ha ha! Good one, Byrdie!
Hydrangeas to plant
Too dirty and beneath me
Call gard’ner instead
* * * * * * * * * *
Dinner party time
Giggle nervously all night
How bad can that be?
We are filthy rich
Jeffrey’s hair is so curly
And he loves chicken
Popped my collar up
Invited the gays over
Still feel pretentious
I love the collar line!
this is CLASSIC!!!!
lol oh my goodness… the collar part.
OMG where have you people been all my life and how have I not heard about FNH till now?!
Walking on the beach
Saw perfect spot for party
Jeffrey hates my gays
Look at my fat ass
I’m the fuckin’ antichrist
How easy is that?
LMFAO
Does anyone else think Ina and Jeffrey’s marriage is one of “convenience”? She’s got an awful lot of gay friends for a hetero gal. I think she’s munching on her Swedish gardener lady friend, anyway. Just sayin’…
So, you’re saying that you think Edwina more than just an herb garden for ol’ IN-VAGIN?
I always thought Jeffrey was a little feminine. Maybe he’s bi and he and Ina have her friends over and have special parties with the reamer.
Actually, they are probably both bi and swing.
I WAS comfortably eating my beef stew, until I read that. LOL
“I always thought Jeffrey was a little feminine. Maybe he’s bi and he and Ina have her friends over and have special parties with the reamer.”
OUCH! That reamer looks PAINFUL!
And I agree on Jeffrey being feminine. Same with Michael Chiarello. Does Jeffrey ever have business in Napa Valley? Hmmmmm……..
Sometimes the kissy-face and/or huggy-bear between Ina and Jeffrey looks forced. I haven’t quite figured out if it’s their discomfiture with the scripted FN antics or if their relationship has always been more platonic than physical.
Jeffrey and Ina as SWINGERS! OH MY GAWD!!!
I’d go with platonic. I can’t visualize the two of them being physical. *shudder*
Maybe I just love her too much (last few seasons of BFC notwithstanding), but I think they must be uncomfortable. They just have too cute of a backstory for it to all be make believe. The pictures of them from waaaay back are so sweet. Or, maybe I’m just gullible.
Yeah, I’ll bet she’s eating at the Y. Cat Cora and Anne Burrell are probably planning a “you need to come out” intervention.
Hamptons are my home.
Barn is bigger than your house.
It’s so fabulous.
Nice, Jill!!
I throw dog parties
Always huff good vanilla
My pants are too short
I have no straight friends
Michael is Stuart Smalley
Making chicken stock
OMG, I’m dying here! “My pants are too short” and “Michael is Stuart Smalley”… :-D
I had to Google “stuart smalley” because I couldn’t remember it. It is exactly like Michael!
LOL!!!
Too funny. Huff good vanilla. Classic.
Stuck in the Hamptons,
while Jeffrey lives his own life.
Thank God for my gays.
LOL! Good one!
Fabulous!!!
Brilliant!! We have some real talent here. :D
I concur!!!
“When tent is rockin’
Please do not come a’knockin!’”
(The viewers all cringe.)
The depth of flavor
from stamens of crocuses
way expensive shit
my bosom is big
shirts hide all the evidence
too many taste tests
Only my real friends
Are featured on my program
Jennifer Garner
LOL!!!
haha, wow
meow!
Good one
Lol buuuuuurn.
My good vanilla
Will cost you an arm and leg
That’s back to basics
Jeffrey is afraid
I will dump him for my gays
What a whiny troll
Good vanilla rules
I will destroy Sandra Lee
Putrid tablescapes
Baked brownies last night
Ate them myself with some tea
Need larger shirt size
Gays are everywhere
They all want me to cater
Only for GOOD gays
Stephen is away
I will break into his house
Trying not to puke
Hilarious, Leyankee!
Love the diss on Sandra Lee!
Having a bad day
Caught Jeffrey blowing Miguel
No chicken for him
Whoooo….LOL!!! F*U*N*N*Y!!!!
Love my Mercedes
Driving around the Hamptons
Flaunting all my wealth
I am loving all of these! Too funny…
Got a new e-mail
“May I worship your visage?”
–Brian Boitano
Jeffrey’s bugging me
I ain’t no Challah-back girl
Go make your own bread
Ha, ha!
“I ain’t no Challah-back girl”: That is just golden. Hee!
WINNER!
T.R. is so cute
But prefers hot dog to bun
I’m sorry, ladies.
LOL … reminds me of the scene in “Blades of Glory” with the two hot dogs in one bun … “Does this look natural to you?”
Kudos to all of you poets! I’m LMAO. Keep them coming!!!
Use good vanilla
Gay men and hydrangeas
How bad can that be?
My favorite so far!
Juicer for one lime
Measure the salt and pepper
How Ina is that?
Right!
Vanilla and butter
In every recipe
Always use the best!
must wear makeup
and dress in drag
to turn jeffrey on
Down with “Good” denim!
Let’s invite over some gays…
Queer Eye for Ina.
Must buy Mt. Gay Rum,
I have to show all homos
I’m the best fag hag.
It’s back to basics,
No one else has time to cook
These damn recipes.
Fat ass broke a tent
Jeffrey’s anniversary gift
No longer slender
How I love my gays
And hydrangeas on the beach
I’m so rich it hurts
I buy all “good” things
This bottle of vanilla
Worth more than your car
Cobwebs in my vag
Jeffery’s gone away so long and
Hampton’s men are gay.
Eating hides my shame
Whole Foods has GOOD ingredients
Sadly no GOOD schlong.
I have no new recipes
Reruns work for me
I’m the Barefoot Contessa!
Got a new e-mail
“You I would totally do!”
–Brian Boitano
Minor nitpick, but these are senryus, not haikus.
And that would be neither.
lol – true. Wasn’t trying to make it one.
I had some time, so I figured I actually turn it into one:
A minor nitpick,
But these are all senryus.
None have been haikus.
(Assuming that I am pronouncing senryu correctly of course… I think it’s ‘sen’-'rye’-'yu’)
Coffee in choc’late
Seems to always turn it up.
Yawn. I’m over it.
Also, some of you are really bad at counting syllables. lol.
Dwyer and TR
I cook for them all the time
They are thin, I’m not
To the surprise of many, Weekend at Bernie’s was filed on Bald Head Island, NC.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098627/locations
*filmed
Girl Scout cookies are over priced and are nasty anyway. That one ya nailed on the head. Very funny. :]
MidgetsEvil, please tell me you’re kidding. Jillian’s GS haiku was humor, not taking a pot shot at Girl Scouts. WOW, I have yet to meet anyone who doesn’t like GS Cookies. My troop will happily send you some boxes since you think $3.50 is too much.
I think you’re overreacting a little bit.
I don’t like GS cookies..
I used to be a Girl Scout when I was a kid. They’re nothing special, and personally I do also think they’re overpriced.
I don’t think midgetsareevil was insulting the girl scouts; the scouts don’t make the cookies (at least they didn’t when I was a member).
$3.50 *is* absolutely too much for a box of mediocre cookies, especially considering that I can get a vastly superior product for half the price at any grocery store in America.
Sacrilege!!!
Barefoot Contessa
Wears Black Orthopedic Shoes
Even on the beach
that’s hilarious!
What?!?! No Loro Piana slippers made of GOOD Italian cashmere?!?!
lol..black orthopedic shoes!
LOL!!!!!!!
I guess for Ina it’s either barefoot or orthopedic.
Because she doesn’t want to be taller than Jeffrey? Good wife.
Ina claims contessa
That implies some elegance
Oh, the irony
Now add chicken stock
I will always use homemade
You better too, bitch!
Jeffrey love my gays
He tries to pretend he’s straight
Gives T.J. the eye
that was supposed to be T.R.
Outrageous brownies
Start with a pound of butter
Suck on that, Paula
get salt now
chop onions over
hamptons condemned
Having Frank over
Making a berry crisp
Don’t have fun without me!
Classic!
Jeffrey is away
hanging out with Frank and Steve
how bad can that be
gay men are very fun
cut me some flowers bitches
eat my barbeque
She has to be wearing black leather instead of denim when she says this!
“cut me some flowers bitches!” LOLOLOLOL!
What is that, you say?
Thirty-dollar cheese is high?
Just be born wealthy!
“Barefoot Contessa”
Makes me think of fat-girl feet.
Not appetizing.
Jillian, this is definitely a FNH “classic.” I’ve been laughing so hard reading these posts that my neighbors now think I’m insane. I’m too doubled over with the giggles right now to contribute anything of my own, but kudos to everyone above!
Oh say have you seen
Ina soaking in a tub
Bubbles barely covering
Ina made a meal
For friend from Loaves and Fishes
Anna Pump ate well
More than half of the ones in the comments have the wrong numbers of syllables – that is by far the most amusing part to me.
Ok, so maybe “more than half” was a bit hyperbolic…. I went back and counted 10 that were the wrong number of syllables.
Picnic on the beach,
so tasteful and elegant!
We’re having hot dogs.
Love to watch ‘Barefoot Contessa’. Ina is a class act.
I think she hangs out with the gay guys as they also have no children and so they have more in common.
She does need to stop rubbing her husbands cheeks and treating him like a 2 year old everytime he appears!
Coffee always brings out the flavour of chocolate
You never taste it but you know it’s there
Wasn’t that an oxymoron
Crack eggs separately in case you get a bad egg
Miguel takes too many damn pictures
Why am I always cooking for people I don’t know
God I love my gays
Jeffrey’s never home
He doesn’t deserve me
Do I have to eat with these people?
I’d rather savour this food alone
We can be closer this way.
I make the best meringues
Roasting stuff brings out the flavour
How easy is that
Paula Deen is way too country
Rachel Ray can’t cook
Giada’s accent is fake.
The pop-collared chef
cracks two eggs on a counter;
gays cringe at her mess.
Jeffrey is never home so he doesn’t know I hang out with all my gay friends. How easy is that?
Hi there, Food Network
My shents are at the cleaners
Please show a rerun
Chris says:
March 23, 2010 at 4:06 pm
Having a bad day
Caught Jeffrey blowing Miguel
No chicken for him
THIS LMFMAO!
More money than God
wish you were me don’t you bitch?
drive Mercedes to the store
Girl Scout at the door
Go away little bitch
Mine use GOOD vanilla.
These aren’t real Haiku. In a real Haiku, the first two lines set up an image that is resolved by the third, somewhat like a riddle, so that the meaning isn’t clear until you finish the last line. This is an example of a real Haiku:
Oh! I ate them all!
And Oh! What a stomachache!
Stolen green apples.
who cares? Why does every post have to have a grammar/correct English/sylabble counting/haiku imagery critic?
Nunuv boring me
Hath not anything to do
Sits down corrects all
I doubt very much that Jeffrey wants her bod.
He’s gone all week in Connecticut. I’ll bet he’s
got someone there “cooking” for him.
Friday night chicken
Always Jeffrey’s favorite
Then giggle in tent.
I don’t give a rat’s ass that these don’t follow the rules of the haiku police! Classic FNH!! I could see Ina reciting them all. ROFL
I agree. This place is supposed to be FUN! This is the BEST. THREAD. EVER!
Orange tulips in vase
Gay flower shop pal’s table
Looks like the last one.
Casual table
Don’t understand tablescapes
Needs to be earthy.
Cheese plate recipe:
Buy GOOD cheese from GOOD cheese shop
Oh wait, you’re not rich.
Wants to be fancy.
Throws parties like Jay Gatsby’s;
Shirts like Jay Leno’s.
Cook for cancer kid?
Sorry, what do I look like,
Mother Teresa?
lol this is a classic post
H!!!! These were GREAT!!!
I am facking DYING right now!! HAHAHAHAH!! These were GREAT!!!
best cheese shop in town
poor people green with envy
you can wash the dishes
Here’s her latest haiku:
The kids want Funyuns
Father loves ballpark hot dogs
My life sucks big balls.
Envy my new home
Only my gays have seen it
Paycheck trumps the hate.
No crippled children for ina….just queers