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New Rules For The Food Network
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New Rule: If Brian Boitano wants people to stop speculating about his sexuality, he has to stop throwing “sausage shindigs” for “secret societies.” Newsflash, Boitano: people aren’t going to strictly focus on the food when you’re dropping homoerotic double entendres like salcows every 15 seconds. If you don’t want sexuality to be an issue, perhaps in the future you should leave out the jokes about spreading your “secret sauce” all over the food you’re preparing for those sweaty 300-pound scooter fanatics in head-to-toe leather.
New Rule: Enough with the stupid pop-up ads in the bottom corner! They take up half the screen, and they are obnoxious. I enjoy Claire Robinson as much as the next girl, but I don’t need to be reminded EVERY 45 SECONDS that her show is coming on 3 hours from now. At the very least, use another photo of poor Claire. The vest + the pose = Paula Poundstone circa 1995.
New Rule: Stop showing me how to make alcoholic beverages! These days, everyone from Guy Fieri to Sunny Anderson is whipping out the vodka bottle and making a “cocktail.” Newsflash, Food Network chefs: it was fucking retarded when Sandra Lee did it, and it’s fucking retarded now. Stop it.
New Rule: Leave the husbands at home! It’s bad enough a channel named THE FOOD NETWORK has an entire show devoted to airing Rachael Ray’s boring travel videos, but John Cusimano’s presence makes it even worse. I’m sure he’s a lovely man, but Earth to the Food Network: HE’S NOT FAMOUS! HE’S NOT A CHEF! AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM! Does Oprah bring Stedman everywhere she goes? No! She just throws his name around every once and awhile so people won’t think she’s sleeping with Gayle King. Learn from the master, Rachael. Learn from the master.
Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---New Rules For Foodies---NEW RULES (part 1)
---Rules Of The Food Network Cake Challenge
---The Unspoken Rules of the Food Network
---New Texting Acronyms For Food Network Viewers
- General: Food Network
- New Rules
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77 Responses
Excellent. The Boitano one was hilarious! And Guy, do you really think anyone wants any of the drinks you make? A cucumber mojito? You fuckin serious man?
honestly a lot of his drinks are quite tasty (at least way better than Aunt Sandy, the proclaimed cocktail queen).
cucumber isn’t really that bad in drinks. I’ve had a cucumber margarita that was actually quite good.
OK, I feel like a jerk….
Pimm’s Cups usually have cucumber as an ingredient.
YOUR NAME HAHAHAHA.
Ignoring my normal Guy-hatred for a moment, the man *is* sort of known for American bar-style establishments… so I would be willing to bet that his cocktail probably are legitimately better than the majority of the other cocktails these stupid FN hosts come up with.
I agree, CEQ, a cucumber mojito sounds gag-worthy
Cucumbers are good for one thing only. See Melissa’s photo in the next post.
OMG! Brian Boitano is gay? I just can’t believe it!! LMAO!
Actually, Boitano claims he is HETEROSEXUAL. I really don’t care about his sexuality. I’m just saying if he doesn’t want people to talk about it, he should stop using homoerotic phrases every 5 seconds. Makes sense, right?
Seriously? He claims that? And expects anybody to believe him when he acts and dresses as flamboyantly as he does? Way to confuse us, Brian.
Really? He actually claims he’s straight? That is new to me. LOL!! I love his show….he makes great-looking food and his campy humor is such an antidote to most of the drivel on the FN. You could knock me over with a feather (from a flamboyant feather boa)! ;)
He really says that? That’s like Debbie Lee saying she’s not Korean!
When has Boitano EVER claimed that? He’s very private and really doesn’t address the issue of “is he or isn’t he?”
I’ll know for sure if Ina ever prepares a dinner for him and a few other friends.
I think he was married at one time…
So was Elton John…
And Freddy Mercury. And like, a million other gay men before they came out. And SERIOUSLY, what kind of idiots watching FN actually “speculate” about Brian Boitano’s sexuality….Ok, dumb question
They are called “beards” for a reason…
No he wasn’t. I’ve followed his career since 1981 and lived about 10 miles from him most of the time and at best, Katarina Witt was a g/f beard in the 80′s, much like Tanith was for Evan until Tanith and Johnny Weir outed Evan.
Jeebus Christo Brian, I’ve been calling both you and Orser Brian boy-girl-Tano and Oh-it’s-her since the ’84 Olympics. The Military costumes in ’88? Fooled NO ONE.
I’ll watch the shows though. I love the 12 year old Beavis and Butthead humor, especially since so many rich gays (save TlO) become totall pompous assholes.
Stay real Brian. And if you see this, call me. Jill can hook us up for a drink in Oatown and conceive our cooking underwater (on BART) episode. Will air masks have to be obtained so we don’t suck out everyone’s oxygen as CO2 is expended as we rub respective meats (of coice! NOT OUR OWN!!! I’M TEAM FAG HAG!!!!!)
Yeah, a BART cooking challenge. I would be so there. If I see this next season and I wasn’t invited, I’m timestamping this post and will sue Scripps, the notorious stealer of awesome ideas.
More potty humor, Brian! It’s works best when one is in the know and not in ambiguous-fan land, or even worse, HETERO (never heard that one before….must be mixing him up with Lysacek). :D
I think Jillian had a really bad day and needs a “cocktail.” LOL!
I did have a rough day! The website errors today were enough to drive me to drink! :)
I Thank You for your hard work that gives us the giggles!
I just discovered Ruby Red Grapefruit and Tangerine juice. 2 parts juice, one part tonic, one part gin.
Honestly, I doubt I’ll ever drink anything else ever again. It’s just that good.
Jillian, put your feet up. I’ll pour.
;-)
Jillian, thanks for dealing with all the server glitches today — what a mess! LOL!
I don’t mind seeing drink recipes…but they rarely seem like they would taste good. Ina’s usually looks like they’d be good–nice and simple.
signed
I watched FN for 15 minutes last week (inspired by listening to your podcast–Scripps should be giving you kickbacks because I haven’t watched FN in months and months) and that damn pop-up popped up at least five times. I switched the channel and never looked back.
Do they really think we’re too stupid to use our handy dandy cable guide thingy if we’re really dying to know which of the episodes of “Barefoot Contessa” we’re seen 10,000 times is coming up next???
Um, the skating jump is a Salchow.
Salcow is funnier!
It’s funny you should mention the cocktails. I was wondering about that one myself. Maybe I’m just young and naive, but does anyone really drink that many foofy fruity drinks? MAKE IT STOP!
LMAO @ the Oprah joke, albeit true.
Lol, somebody around here must be a Maher fan ; )
I can play!
New Rule: Ted Allen needs to go away. He’s a pretentious douche. I wanted to throw up watching him eat a chicken from a blown up pig bladder on The Best Thing I Ever Ate. Yes, it was gourmet and French but who the fuck eats a slimy looking bird cooked in a pig bladder? Really, who does?
one who gets a paycheck……………
I confused. Explain to me what’s wrong about that dish. Don’t just say the equivilent of “it’s icky,” give me a real argument – otherwise your opinion is just a result of close-minded xenophobic-American culture. People have been eating dishes like that since damn near the beginning of mankind. It’s a VERY recent development to think that certain parts of an animal aren’t suitable for consumption.
That being said, Ted Allen *is* a douche.
Priss.
No one wants to see or hear Jaaaaahhhhhn Cusimano (what a scuz bunny). Or Cap’n Gahrooooover( no words, no words). Or Todd Thompson (Giada’s gay husband).
The only one allowed to pop up onscreen every once in awhile
is that precious little Hobbitt, Jeffrey Garten (Ina’s gay husband). He looks so uncomfortable kissing her on that show.
Both Jillian’s post, and your comment made me laugh.
I’ve never gotten a gay vibe from Jeffrey. He’s an academic (or Egghead, as they used to say). Any discomfort he may exhibit, I think, comes from the fact that Jeffrey (and the rest of Ina’s inner circle) are such bad actors–save for TR, who is an actor and model. The attraction between Ina and Jeffrey has always seemed pretty genuine to me. My partner and I are always joking about what animals Ina and Jeffrey must be when the lights go out. I think they could probably give the Neelys a run for their money!
Jeffrey Garten _IS_ a precious little hobbit, hehe! Perfect description.
FTR, I’ve never gotten a gay vibe from him either.
Nah, Jeffrey’s not gay. He seems like a very smart academic who isn’t comfortable on camera but is trying to be a good sport to support his wife’s food empire. I think he gets embarrassed because he knows he’s supposed to expound on the food she serves but he runs out of things to say after “This is delicious!”
My take on the cute little hobbit, too, minx. :)
Hobbit! LMFAO!
Alright, alright, alright, I’m sorry I called Jeffrey gay!
Sheesh. I take it back.
What’s the verdict on Todd (Mr. Giada) Thompson? Did I mislabel him as well?
I can’t (and don’t want to) picture Ina and Jeffrey getting all freaky-deaky on the GOOD 800-count Egyptian cotton sheets. {{shudder}}
I’m not a big fan of Todd. He’s bland, wimpy, and just an all-around nebbish. The only thing I like about Giada’s show(s) is her cute infant daughter. Everything (and everyone) else drives me bonkers. Aunt Raffy, anyone? Ugh.
I really like DDD – I look forward to all new epis. But I hate Fieri in anything else. He is a toad. Please stop the big bite show. His jewelry and hair are a nod to the madonna era, and his cooking skills and recipes are silly and recycled bs.
Blecchhhh……………..
Giada amazes me with her prowess to keep standing upright and not keel over due to her large head mass ratio to her body height & weight. Kudos to her!
BWAHAHAHA! Nearly just spit coffee out my nose!
You think there might be some kind of a brace or crane just out of the frame to keep her upright? Or maybe she has super strong ab muscles?
Not to mentions her boobs! How is that woman standing upright is a mystery.
Maybe she has one of those Barbie stand things.
…and John has a thing for being spit on by hookers.
I believe these are trends that are only going to get worse over time as the FN continues it’s downward spiral away from food and towards raking in as much $$ as it can from it’s manufactured celebrities.
Jillian- I love that you admitted to being a Claire fan!! I am too :) Although have you noticed that her southern accent has gotten stronger since the first shows?? I think FN is trying to play-up her young southern-belle charm. Maybe its about time to boot old Pauler from her queen of the South spot!
I don’t want to admit this, but I like her, too! Just watched her for the first time a few days ago, and she’s too cute!
Have I missed something, or is that Rachael Ray with her mouth open, just waiting for someone to toss small fish at her?? Nothing like a good fish toss to make my day.
I WHOLEHEARTEDLY agree with the Rachel and John thing. Everytime I see her traveling show now I’m like, “Oh, he’s with her AGAIN???” We know you’re married. We know you’re in love. But, the show is RACHAEL RAY’S TASTY TRAVELS–not RACHAEL AND JOHN’S TASTY TRAVELS. I loved the days where dateless (or husbandless) Rachael traveled the world by herself.
Cusimoto is just along to protect his meal ticket on these travel junkets.
I’m sure Rachael meets lots of eligible handsome men that want to bone her while on the road, so the “Littlest Hobo” is travelling along with her under the guise of being interested.
Jeffrey Garten = The Little Hobbitt
Cusimoto = The Littlest Hobo
There HAS to be a spin-off show for them on FN!
(LOVE the name “Cusimoto”, BTW. That’s excellent, and very fitting!)
I actually feel sorry for Rachael Ray’s husband in what little I’ve seen of those shows. What can he say? She’s the supposed food expert, so all he can do is chew and nod. The whole show is embarrassing.
Talk about annoying pop-ups? Have you SEEN the Alton Brown pop-up. He looks like a deranged skeletor! And I love me some Good Eats, but that picture! No words for it.
I’ve often thought John follows Rachael around like a bouncer due to her nasty drinking habits. Folks that have gone to her book signings say she either shows up incredibly DRUNK or HUNGOVER – and is downright rude to people plopping down their $$$ for her idiotic books – which have no measurements in them, of course. “Eyeballing” is not a measurement! Sober up, Rachael.
Rachel Ray’s husband is sooo creepy looking!!!!
Rachael is a snotty little toad. I wish she would slip on some EVOO and fall back into her cesspool of a pond, warts and all.
That being said, this post was great! As always!
FN is trying to recreate their website on the tube with those annoying pop-up ads. Their website cannot be navigated without pop-ups, pop-unders, videos of Tyflo pimping Wishbone dressing automatically playing, ads, ads and more ads – very irritating.
Shout out to Bill Maher!
a toad with a frog in the throat, perhaps?
whoa – went to comment and the site was down.
I actually saw that episode of Guy the other night and enjoyed the strange banana cocktail. I couldn’t understand why he put a really small shot of vodka in it but I thought “ok whatever.” Then at the end he tops it off with a bunch of rum – hahah that’s what I was looking for.
I don’t mind so much when the tv cheffies make a drink now and then. I’ve seen some good looking stuff that I might want to try (like a mojito for example). It’s when Sandra or Wretchel makes them that irritates me – Sandra because everything she does is so damn irritating and cocktail time every day with lunch is ridiculous – Rayray because well everything SHE does is so damn irritating and the last thing I’d want is a drink from her with a squeezed lemon or somehting from those raw meat, shiny evoo and bits-of-pepper,-herbs-and-other-food covered hands. Disgusting.
“Cheffies”?
Do you guys really think Rachel cleans carpet? I don’t get that vibe when I watch.
“Does Oprah bring Stedman everywhere she goes? No! She just throws his name around every once and awhile so people won’t think she’s sleeping with Gayle King”
Bwahahahahaha!!! Too funny!
I saw the Brian Boitano episode when it aired the other night and thought EXACTLY THE SAME THING! This site makes me chuckle out loud to myself in a creepy kind of way (I hope no one’s listening)
I’m sick of the stupd pop-ups too. Thanks for bringing that up, I though it was just me! Also, the cocktail thing, how many new & different drink recipes can there possibly be?? I’ve made Ina’s Pomegranite Cosmo and I have to say it was really tasty but I had go out and find some “Wonderful” Pom Pomegranite juice (no really, that’s the name of it) I thought it was just some new snotty way of Ina telling us our own ingredients aren’t good enough for her recipes!! But really, I don’t need to match the color of my cocktail to my non-existant “tablescape”!! Thanks Jillian, funny as always.
I used to intern with Rachael Ray. I partied with her and her hubby on quite a few occasions. She’s a ton of fun to party with, and buys everyone’s drinks.But oddly enough the parties are flowwwwing with booze , but the only food is tapas in the first hour- makes for a sloppy mess towards the end. John is a nice guy, but gets flirty(and not with Rach) when drunk.
The site is in a hiatus right now? Well i would love that every site in hiatus would be as active than yours!
every “once IN A WHILE”. i demand perfect grammar from my humor blogs!
no but seriously, pop up ads are the worst thing to happen to television since 2 1/2 men.
Thank you, Dee. I came here to say exactly that.
We all know brian boitano only invites people over for ‘just friends spooning’ ;)
I don’t watch cooking shows to meet the hosts extended families. Rachel, Ina, Pioneer Woman et al, keep your husbands, brats, punks, whatever you call them at home where they belong. I’m interested in cooking, not your family tree.