Giada De Laurentiis »

The Ten Commandments Of Giada De Laurentiis
Posted by Jillian Madison

ten-commandments-giada

Come, my dear children, and kneel at the heels of your rich Italian grandparents, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Giada De Laurentiis.

I. Thou shalt always… (always)… zest at least one lemon for every recipe.

II. Thou shalt always have thy’s nails perfectly manicured in light pink Opi nail polish.

III. Thou shalt describe every piece of food as being “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.”

IV. Thou shalt always annoyingly overemphasize Italian words.

V. Thou shalt reveal thy bosom in low cut, tight shirts as oft as possible (thou shalt always be mindful of television ratings).

VI. Thou shalt retract thy’s lips and expose thy’s unnaturally large teeth as oft as possible.

VII. Thou shalt roll thy’s eyes at the camera whenever Aunt Raffi isn’t looking.

VIII. Thou shalt constantly use the word “perfect” to fill uncomfortable silences on episodes of Giada At Home.

IX. Thou shalt always over-exaggerate the amount of fun thy is really having at thy’s outdoor dinner parties.

X. Thou shalt never actually swallow thy’s prepared meals.

(Be sure to add your Giada Commandments in the comments section!)



Other posts on Food Network Humor:

---The Ten Commandments Of Ina Garten
---The Ten Commandments Of Money Saving Meals
---The Ten Commandments Of Paula Deen
---FNH INTERVIEWS: Giada De Laurentiis
---My First Alphabet Book by Giada De Laurentiis: The Letter W

    236 Responses

  1. Jill (not Jillian) says:

    It’s not that her teeth are large; it’s that you can see EVERY SINGLE TOOTH when she smiles.

    And I think she does swallow (that’s what she said) because sometimes certain foods hit the back of her throat and she can feel a particular ingredient.

    • Kayla says:

      Thou shall say “there we go” after adding each ingredient

      • LETY says:

        Thall shall chew your food quickly like a rabbit,,and the go on to expose all the chewed up food,,,as you try to decribe it creamy nutty bite,,,,lol gross,,,I quit watching her because i hated to see her chew with her mouth open and then talk with it….something i get mad a my kids for!!

    • alwaystardy says:

      no she has thin almost nonexistent lips!

    • Shirley Johnson says:

      It’s very irritating that Giada shows all of her teeth
      including molars every single smile! It’s not
      natural. Also, is it necessary to wear very revealing tops and blouses? What is she exhibiting? Food or body? She is a very beautiful woman, just does not need to flaunt or expose it.

    • Marylou says:

      She bugs the hell out of me! Phony, Phony, Phoney!

  2. DR VINNY BOOM BOTTS says:

    II. At lest once bend over for the camera and try to keep THEM out of the food.

  3. Scruffy says:

    Don’t forget to completely overuse the descriptor “heavenly.”

  4. teague says:

    Thou shalt deny that one’s family, money, connections, and bosom have had any thing to do with ones success despite make sure to use them at every possible opportunity and manner.

  5. Lana says:

    X. Er, are you saying … Giada doesn’t swallow? Ha! I don’t believe that for ooooonnneee second
    *wink wink*

  6. Aelred says:

    My only disappointment with the picture is that only Giada’s head was photo-shopped. Head and cleavage would have been the perfect change to fulfill commandment five. Sigh

  7. Julie says:

    Thou shalt say “I love” about every ingredient in a recipe.

    Thou shalt say “sugar” like I’m a 4 year old, over enunciating the shhhhhhhhhh.

    Thou shalt cake on tons of purple eyeshadow to make them look less inbred.

    Thou shalt act like a child whenever I have a guest on the show.

    Thou shalt show myself washing my hands for 5 minutes, since its such a difficult task.

    • Sara says:

      Thank you! I thought I was the only one who noticed her ridiculous pronounciation of shhhhhhhhugar.

      • Amy says:

        there is also “sanwich”-also like she is a 3 year old…

      • Brian says:

        I notice it too! What about shhhhhhrimp? Anyone notice that one?

        • Trish says:

          I’ve always noticed her shhhhhhhugar and shhhhhhrimp pronunciations, and it drives me crazy. Honestly, I only watch her show when I’m in the mood to rip on someone. She annoys the heck out of me.

      • supabee says:

        Wow! After today’s super annoying episode I decided to google the way Giada makes those disgusting noises when she eats and I found this!! Today was definitely over the top for me with her friggin crunching and munching Hahahahaha!!! I CANNOT stand her pronunciation of SHUGAR and then how she pronounces words that start with CR like crispy, creamy, crunchy…it takes every fiber of my being NOT to snap and throw something at the TV. Today she was rabbit munching on something ‘chocolatey’ and the way she spoke with her mouth full of food, making those disgusting noises made me clench my fists and I had to turn the channel. They really need to turn the microphone down when she’s chawing away!!!

    • DonCorleone says:

      OMG, I spit out my tea when I read your comment about inbreeding! And I’m Italian!! That is so fucking hilarious!!

  8. Ferd Berfle says:

    Thou shalt accompany thy food preparation with softly throbbing porn-style music.

  9. BOO says:

    Thou Shalt apply Rogaine to Jades frontal lobe so that her hairline doesn’t start at the top of her head too!

  10. Sandra Lee's Liver says:

    Thou shalt put MAR-SCU-POH-NAY in every damn recipe you make, be it appetizer, main dish or dessert.

  11. Jaded says:

    Thou shalt always describe carrots as sweet.

    Thou shalt describe every other food as crunchy, creamy and nutty.

    Thou shalt finger the food as much as possible when prepping it.

    Did anyone see the “Jade’s Birthday” episode on Giada at Home where this dumb ass claimed that her one year old LOVES basil and romano cheese? Very discerning palate that one year old has!

    • Sandra Lee's Liver says:

      I was so grossed out by that episode. She had a petting zoo complete with a giant turtle. Turtles carry salmonella. All the kiddies were playing the animals and went straight to the table where they proceded to eat all the food with their hands that were just all over the pets!
      Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

      • kim says:

        Grow up. R you guys for real? Sometimes i have to wonder. Not all “mothers” know how to cook or even chop veg properly. (that is in regards to prev posts that went on and on on that topic) And no self respecting mother will let her baby eat without washing their hands. Just because you didnt see it occur doesnt mean it didnt happen.

      • Lighten Up says:

        Hey Kim,
        This site is called “Food Network Humor”. I believe the site “Defend The Food Network Host” is at another URL.

      • kim says:

        LIGHTEN UP—-yes i know it is HUMOR site. Bitching is not humor..and i defended no one…get it straight will ya

        • sandyscirroticliver says:

          bitching is humor when done correctly….see Lewis Black, any MSNBC Political talking head, Joan Rivers, Ron White, this entire site sometimes.

          Incidently using the non word Veg has to be the laziest, most irritating crap on the food network that has infected the vocabulary of some people. Those other 3 syllables in vegetable have apparently become too twisting or just get in the way of today’s WAY to busy type beings.

          God Bless GiGi’s cans.

      • Starbuck says:

        Tortoises and turtles are different. Turtles, who live in water and are kept in tanks when they are pets, carry salmonella and the chances of being infected are greater because of the enclosed, wet environment they live in. Tortoises, who live on land, also carry salmonella (along with your toothbrush, kitchen sponge, and cell phone) but the chances of picking up an infection from one are very, very slim.

      • suziq says:

        Hahahaha

    • Jill (not Jillian) says:

      I thought it was funny when she said Jade loves the meatball sandwiches as well. I was thinking the child probably only has 4 teeth, how can she eat this stuff?

      • Julie says:

        Giada probably chews it up with her giant mouth full of teeth and regurgitates it for her.

        • dosn't get it... says:

          I’m confused, do you guys even like watching Giada’s show? If not I think you guys have way too much time on your hands. Maybe I just don’t get the point of this site.Everyone just comes off bitter and the jokes (if you can even call them that, most aren’t funny in the lease) are immature, some are just down right mean. I can only imagine stumbling onto this site and seeing what people have written about my child. But like I said, I guess I just don’t get the point of this site. Just thought I’d throw in my two cents.
          Continue on with your grade school humor.

          • sandyscirroticliver says:

            k, thanks…anyone know any new poop jokes?

          • Timmy says:

            Some of us watch to make fun—the most of these shows are absurd, who can afford these ingredients on a regular basis? Who has the time to make this stuff regularly? I love to cook, but it’s usually simple dinners for me.

          • Drusilla says:

            Most of the comments on ANY site will be pretty witless.

            Most of us come here to read Jillian’s funny shit. There’s a reason she has a successful humor site and most of the commenters don’t.

          • Dickie says:

            It seems that you are pretty interested in these comments. After all, you are reading them and are on almost the bottom of the list. Get a life and sense of humor!

        • Croftoness says:

          HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHHAAHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • Diane says:

        LOL, Julie!!!

      • Chris D. says:

        don’t forget, folks, that when J.D. (the daughter, rap gangsta) was about 8 months old, Whore at Home announced on GMA that J.D. “not only eats lamb, but PREPARES it stove top”. The news crew said “WHAT???” No one could believe it; neither could I.

    • FoodNetworkSnark says:

      What was truly heinous was that part of that episode showed us how to make sugar cookies – from freaking store bought cookie dough! OMG. So you unwrap, flour a little and roll out? Damn, I never would have gotten that! Press a cookie cutter into it, bake as well??!!!!

      You got me. Waaaayyyy too hard!

      • Kristyn says:

        Sugar cookies are a bitch to make lol. I’d rather get the store bought stuff, for real!

        But to teach us how to make the store bought cookies.. that’s just silly!

      • Davendork says:

        Kristyn,

        Look up the Wilton sugar cookie recipe. Six ingredients, no refrigeration, and my father-in-law loves them (he’s a professional baker in Chicago). The dough is really dry, but they bake in 7 minutes and taste like heaven.

  12. CherryRose says:

    Thou shalt always become the center of attention while holding court amongst family and/or friends.

    Thou shalt experience multiple foodgasms with every tiny bite of food.

    • deb says:

      I totally agree with these comments! She’s so phony..that’s why I don’t tune in anymore… Even my husband agrees with this. She’s a self-centered artificial person who’s cooking show should be cancelled. We had enough of her. She also promotes her Nutelli which has so much palm kernel oil (the bad satuated fat) in it. Fire her! Read this, Giada!

      • ZOLTAR says:

        I agree with you, but to be fair, her beef manicotti recipe is REALLY delicious. I’ve made it several times and even passed the recipe to others.

        Thou shalt always add several big-ass handfuls of salt to the boiling water for thou’s spa-GHETTTTT-eeeee.

    • KatiePie says:

      I hate how she constantly forces everyone to tell her how good her food is. “Isn’t it good?? Mmmm!! Do you like it? Isn’t that perfect?”

      And I hate how she disrespects her family and friends. I won’t watch her show anymore. She talks to each guest like they are so inferior and constantly rolls her eyes and makes faces like they are the stupid.

  13. Gypsy says:

    Thou shalt have an ever-present, smirky smile that reveals just how totally in love with thou’s self thou really is.

    Thou shalt pretend thou eats all those fattening, delicious dishes, but in secret thou shalt eat nothing but a carrot stick, to maintain that waif-life waist.

    Thou shalt possess a head and a set of hands too large in proportion to the rest of thy body.

    Thou shalt possess great, round, grapefruit-like breasts, identical to the ones thy mother possesses, making viewers wonder if thou and mama go to the same plastic surgeon.

  14. kellycat says:

    Thou shalt keep holding that ugly gritty smile even whilst stirring a pot or cutting up food.

    Thou shalt bend over to open an oven door whilst you are wearing a dangerously low cut top, and pretend not to notice that they are about to runneth over.

  15. Betty Crocker says:

    Thou shalt exclaim “just like that!” at least 15 times per episode.

  16. boke1 says:

    Thou shalt use the word “just” gratuitously. As in “I’m putting the salmon in the oven JUST so it cooks. I’m plugging the mixer in JUST so it gets electricity. I’m breathing in and out JUST to sustain myself.”

    Really??? Thanks for revealing the complexities of your every move and clearing up those eternal mysteries. Phew!!

  17. Ina Fagten says:

    Thou shalt call thy food “Cute” and “Really pretty”.

    Thou shalt mention how “yummy” thy food is even before thy friends mention how “yummy” thy food is.

    Thou shalt reprimand thy mother for speaking Spanish during thy Italian food show. (This was I think during an episode with Giada’s mom and Aunt Raffy. Giada and her mom were cooking and G’s mom said something in Spanish. Giada was like “Mom, what are you doing??” Mom’s reply: “I’m speaking Spanish.”)

  18. Chris says:

    After saying “uh-mak-a-roh-neeee” and “Par-ma-ja-nah” and letting the world know that you are SO Italian… thou must slip at least once per episode and ease back into your NATURAL dialect before realizing it and snapping back into fake Itlaiano mode.

    And thou MUST talk with your fork… waving it at the camera and pointing with it while you are chewing and savoring the crunchy, sweet, richness of your lemon zested herb crusted pan seared sea bass.

    • Deb says:

      These comments are hysterical! Love it, saying exactly what I am thinking.

    • deb says:

      That’s so true! She sure lets everyone know that she’s ITALIAN on every episode. I am so tired of so much Italian cooking on the foodnetwork. Isn’t everyone else?

      • angel says:

        This is my biggest annoyance right up there with the open mouth food chewing and talking at the same time.

        Spuh-gett-i…

    • Ilove2eat says:

      YESSSS!!!! Don’t forget the word mozzarella. Every time she say it I want to scream. Racheal Ray have started doing it a lot to uggghhhh.

  19. teague says:

    Thou shall make a big deal about attending a prestigious cooking school, but offer no details about ones time there leaving folks to wonder if all one really did was a simple weekend class if that.

    • numb says:

      Don’t get me wrong, Giada might just be the most ridiculous person on FN (well 2nd I suppose – nobody tops Guy), but let’s be honest and admit that she *can* actually cook and does appear to be truly culinarily educated. She’s lucky she’s hot though, because we all know that FN requires their women to either be hot or barely capable of creating an edible dish – so that those ‘home cooks’ will like it. Everyone knows that home cooks are only interested in mostly-pre-packaged garbage that cooks in under 15 minutes and only uses ingredients they recognize on sight and can pronounce… right? /sarcasm.

      Sorry for the rant – the moral is that despite all of the hilariousness about Giada, at least I don’t feel like they’re completely insulting my intelligence on her show.

      • Flyingroo says:

        After seeing her on the Iron Chef show I started to question her culinary prowess! She spent almost the whole hour trying to make some ravioli I think it was. Meanwhile, in the rival kitchen R.R. was really keeping up nicely with Batali. I’m no R.R. fan but in that “battle” she kicked Giada’s ass.

      • Shnoodle says:

        Here, here.

      • Rachel says:

        Rachael kept up nicely with Batali because he did all the work. She made one pasta dish and then spent the rest of the time stirring his custard. I think he was just trying to keep her out of his way. Giada actually cooked some dishes on that show. There should have been a rematch without the other chefs and let those women fend for themselves.

        • ZOLTAR says:

          Rachael kept up nicely with Batali because he did all the work. She made one pasta dish and then spent the rest of the time stirring his custard.

          *SNORT*

  20. Valerie says:

    Thou shalt always use the same descriptive words (peppery arugula, lemony thyme, etc..)

  21. Cari says:

    Thou shalt always note the salty bite.

  22. boke1 says:

    Thou shalt give everything a “quick stir.”

  23. Goober says:

    Thou shalt being each episode of Everyday Italian in a silky negligee atop an overstuffed couch.

  24. Goober says:

    /\ oops, I meant “begin.”

  25. teague says:

    Thau shalt not boil water.

  26. Kristyn says:

    Thou shalt stop saying ‘We’ll just KINDA do this’ or ‘We’ll just KIDNA do that.’ If you’re doing it, YOU’RE DOING IT. No KINDA about it!

    • littlemissperfect says:

      Emeril used to do that KINDA thing nonstop too!

      Thous salt stop cooking everything to Todd’s specifications because “Todd likes it this way”

      • boke1 says:

        Has she yet adopted Emeril’s penchant for saying that he’s going to put something “inside the bowl?” As though putting something outside of the bowl would be productive? It’s as redundant as the way they all say “combine this together.” As though combining things separately is an option.

    • Meghan says:

      I HATE THAT TOO!!!!!!!! Tyler Florence ALWAYS “kinda does this” or “kinda does that” it drives me crazy!!!

    • Ashley says:

      Wow, never noticed before! Watching her show right now, she’s said “kinda” three times in four minutes! It “kinda” makes me barf

  27. Brandi says:

    thou shalt love the BEAUTIFUL “color combination” of every dish created…even if it is white pasta and red marinara…

  28. Spatuler says:

    This afternoon Giada had the “men” in her life over for a football party or someting on her show, and at the end, when they were all sampling her creations, her giggles were SO fake and forced to the point where I had to stop what I was doing and look at the TV in sheer amazment. Bonus: she was trying to play a simple, commoner’s game, football trivia, and because she’s anything BUT a simple commoner, she had no idea how to play it. I wanted to barf. Sorry, but I didn’t even detect a chicken wing within a twenty mile radius of her “football party”. WTF? Is she serious?

    • Scruffy says:

      The potato skins looked absolutely disgusting. That cheese was Whiz colored.

    • DerekLutz says:

      My favorite episode of her show – serving up her seafood stew with red sauce while the guys hang out on the white furniture with no evidence of a game on a TV anywhere. Can’t fool us, Todd and his friends were setting up for a game of mah jong and then maybe a Desperate Housewives marathon from the DVR.

  29. Matt says:

    Thou shall always serve an appetizer of bruuu- SKIT-Aaaaa topped with pro-SHOOT-oo

  30. froglegs says:

    Thou shall please forgive me whilst I change the subject briefly. Does anyone know what ever happened to Oprah’s chef from the 80′s/90′s, Rosie, I think was her name. She helped the BIG O loose all that weight????

    Ok, proceed with the 100 commandments! Hilarious!

  31. Jon Lambert says:

    Am I the only one who cares to say that Jillian used the word ‘thy’ incorrectly, in that thy is the possessive form of ‘thou’ and thus doesn’t require the ‘s?

  32. Renee says:

    Thou shall…..say “annnnd” before going onto the next step…

    Thou shall grate a little fresh parmigiana on top of everything

  33. haginpat says:

    Thou shall always make a snarky remark about her friends eating habits. “Oh, Tom, you took such a big bite” or “Susan, you’re really hungry, aren’t you?”. Bugs the crap out of me.

  34. Debbie says:

    Thou shalt explain that she is adding sugar or honey to make something sweet. No?! Really??

  35. Diane says:

    As an add on to VII: Thou shalt no longer have Aunt Raffi on thine show as she is an aged harlot and a bitch besides.

  36. Julie says:

    Don’t forget!

    Another adjective often used is “creamy”. Everything is CREAAAAAMY.

    • boke1 says:

      And crrrrrrrrispy and crrrrrrrrrunchy. Even the mushhhhhhhhhrooms and shhhhhhhhhrimp. Holy affectation and fakeness. No one really enunciates in that way. They do it on purpose.

  37. Kassondra says:

    When you say ‘sugar,’ draw out the word just like this: SHHHHHugar. Make sure when you say it, draw out the word so that it makes your viewers cringe and hit the mute button. (at least that’s what I do…)

  38. DeformedCookie says:

    Commandment IV makes me want to vomit with rage every time she obeys it. I get that your family is Italian but you grew up in fucking California! ARRRRGHHH!

  39. Rachel says:

    Thou shalt always make a transition with the word “NOW”. Thou must say NOW at least a dozenth timeth in a show.

  40. zyncooktop says:

    The way she enunciates the sh sound, as in sugar, and shrimp, drives me crazy. It’s like she has a speech impediment. I think it’s a result of her horse sized veneer implants. And I’m talking about chompers here. And who knows what kind of teeth these people had before. Also, Chiarello has the same sh issue- may be it’s a FN California Italian thing.

  41. DerekLutz says:

    Thou shalt always make up a ton of pasta and then serve thyself one measly little portion in a saucer and then only take one tiny bite. (She’s no Paula.)

    Thou shalt always show more cleavage than Aunt Raffi.

    Thou shalt always be at least slightly better looking than one’s friends who come over for a “girls night.”

  42. Lauren says:

    Thou must declare the obvious, constantly. Today’s example? “These hazelnuts are so nutty!”
    Wow Giada. Groundbreaking! No wonder my mom and I call her Giada Relentless. :)

  43. welchb says:

    thy’s? Perhaps ‘thine’, or am I crazy?

    • Leilani says:

      Just saw this AFTER writing my comment. You’re not crazy. I believe ‘thine’ is the correct form. Unless of course, I might be crazy too.

      • welchb says:

        Looks like somebody needs to spend more time in Shakespeare or ye olde King James bible. ha.

        Just kiddin around, Jillian *(:

  44. teague says:

    Thou shall go on the ‘Today’ show for cooking segments and not cook but still make it all about your ‘wonderful’ self.

  45. Leilani says:

    Loved this one. Could relate to seeing each and every one of the commandments…
    But it is “thine” as much as it relates to “thou.” Right?
    x

  46. nkirschner says:

    Thou shalt always act like you are being pleasured underneath the table whenever you guest on Best Thing I Ever Ate.

  47. RBF says:

    Thou shalt always bore thine guests by describing how to cook each dish.

    • Kristyn says:

      Yesss!!! I can’t stand how dumb she makes us look. ‘Put the pot of water on the burner and crank the heat. When you have bubbles going mad on top, IT’S BOILING! YAY!’

  48. kelly says:

    nooooo, ina is the one obsessed with zesting everythinggggg.

  49. kelly says:

    by the way, giada is hotttt. so people who make fun of her are just jealous. i <3 her. ha

  50. FNFAN says:

    Thou shalt constantly use the adjectives crispy, creamy, and crunchy when describing a dish, and always overemphasize the “CR” sounds (even if the foods aren’t inherently crispy, creamy and/or crunchy).

  51. foodfan says:

    Thou shalt always make really stupid comments like: “This onion is really making my eyes water. That means it’s really fresh!” Ugh… I’ve cut plenty of onions who were not at their freshest and they still made me cry…

    Thou shalt always say “MY” when you talk about every recipe you make. Everything is “MY”… “My smoked salmon pizzette; My mustard baked salmon; My risotto; etc…

    I have made a few of her recipes and they are very delicious however I’m not sure they are “her” recipes at all. She has admitted many times that ALL her prep work is done by someone else for her EI show. I’m sorry to say it but there is something just so extremely fake about her whole persona!

  52. talia says:

    Thou shalt have an abnormally large head in proportion to the width of thine shoulders.

    • Mark says:

      Thank you, I was beginning to think that I was the only one who thought that she has a huge f’n head on such a tiny body. Her head has it’s own gravitational pull!

  53. boke1 says:

    No joke. My friend came over the other day with her 2 year old son, Luke. My People magazine was on the table upsidedown and the ad for Giada’s heinous Target crap was the whole back cover. We were laughing at how huuuuuge her mouth is. Luke looked at it and started crying!!! I had to put it away to get him to stop. It scared the bejeezus out of him.

  54. Ryan says:

    What about thou shalt have extreme close ups of my huge man hands if the camera man can get them in the frame with my gigantic forehead. Her hands remind me of that Seinfeld episode when Jerrys date grabs the bread out of the basket, and rips it up.

  55. RC says:

    Amendment I: “Nutty” will be the preferred word when “juicy” is unavailable to describe grape tomatoes.

  56. betty boop says:

    Giada is ridiculous-if she is from Italy why does she say Pasta wrong, the area of Italy called Capri-she says wrong, as with most other words with an italian flavor. If she went to and graduated from a culinary institute you can never tell as her recipes are ordinary, common sense recipes, nothing original or new. BBOOOOORRRIINNG

  57. Emily says:

    You guys are acting all proper and stuff. i’m gonna go ghetto style with it: Bitch, you need to quit acting like a good G*d Damned fool!

  58. Stephanie says:

    Anyone else notice that all of her ingredients are RIDICULOUSLY loud? Her salt… even her flippin’ flour?!

  59. Larry in Illiois says:

    Folks, I love this woman. Everything about her is “perfect.” Sure her personality is different from most folks. But, that is what makes her exciting to watch and hopefully find a clone woman like her for myself.

    Remember, Food Network shows are not about teaching you to cook or prepare food. That is only the “secondary” reason.

    Television shows and networks are “ENTERTAINMENT.’ And the Prime Directive is to attract sponsors and make money. Cooking is secondary. Cooking is just the “THEME” for the network.

    And, the network executives are always preparing new shows. They try them out on weekends and if they click they might displace one of the regulars on the daytime and evening schedule.

    Be well and let’s stop knocking these beautiful women.

  60. Lisa says:

    Yo, she is such a bitch to her poor Aunt Raffi. I don’t know if she thinks she’s being cute, but Raffi should clock her in the head with a giant “spagheetee” pot when she’s not looking.

  61. JC in Louisville says:

    I love the way she pours the oil into “the bottom of the pan.” OMG — I thought you were supposed to pour it into the top!

    LOVE this site, btw and all of your comments!

  62. ang says:

    please this is not humor—some of it was.. for the most part all i see is women jealous of another woman who is beautiful and successful–and whattaya know, its all women who are delivering the mean vindictive comments.. humor my ass. its all a disguise for your jealousy…….. i don’t see anybody dissing male or other “homely” women chefs–i wonder why. get over your insecurity. it is possible for a woman to be beautiful, smart, and know how to cook. i know thats hard to take in.. bitter bitches i tell ya, probably fat and ugly with no confidence………

    • lolx2 says:

      @ANG
      Wow, you should really learn to use correct grammar before when trying to prove you points. By the way this is a website that pokes fun of ALL the Food Network chefs and shows. So if you love Giada so much, why are you even here reading satirical stories about her. Seriously. I also don’t understand where you’re getting “homely”. If Giada was “homely” as you say, she would have no make up on, ratty hair, and probably flannel pajamas. Please know what you are talking about before you actually type it and enter it for everyone to see.

    • wow....bitter bitches says:

      Ang I totally agree. This is not humorous these are some jealous, untalented, broke, bitter, bum b****es with nothing better to do but judge somebody that don’t give a f*** about what their bum a**es think. Get a life because she’s living hers.

  63. ang says:

    please this is not humor—some of it was.. for the most part all i see is women jealous of another woman who is beautiful and successful–and whattaya know, its all women who are delivering the mean vindictive comments.. humor my ass. its all a disguise for your jealousy…….. i don’t see anybody dissing male or other “homely” women chefs–or displaying this type of “humor” to them–i wonder why. get over your insecurity. it is possible for a woman to be beautiful, smart, and know how to cook. i know thats hard to take in.. bitter bitches i tell ya, probably fat and ugly with no confidence………

  64. Debora says:

    Thou must always have the Pacific Ocean in full view through thine kitchen window during “Giada at Home”. Thou must remind everyone of your multi-million dollar home in Malibu with a beach as your backyard.

  65. Phenix65 says:

    Haha this just sounds like a lot of jealous bitches trying to nitpick at a beautiful woman who can actually cook something NOT a tv dinner.

  66. Asrai says:

    I mostly really like Giada, but I REALLY REALLY despise:

    1) how she places every bowl and utensil down very very very carefully
    2) how she ‘grabs’ this or that ingredient
    3) how she stirs things – just barely smooshing stuff around with the tip of the spoon

    urk

  67. alex says:

    Thou shalt describe all wine as smelling like “fresh cut grass.”

  68. grossed out says:

    Thou shalt sample what is cooked, chewing with mouth open and chomping and smacking in the most nauseating manner, then top it off by TALKING while chewing as well so we can SEE what she is chewing. Yummy! NOT!

    Love Giada, she can cook, she is beautiful, but when she eats her food she looks and sounds like a starving wild animal with a fresh kill. IT’S GROSS!!!!

  69. Earlene says:

    Thou shalt use the word “AND” repeatedly until the audience is driven crazy…… when she runs out of words she says “AND,” until you want to go through the screen, yank her up and ask “AND WHAT!!!!!!” Her head is too big for her little body and her breasts like a 10 yr. old, yet she insists on showing it off every day with low cut tops, showing a her cleavage. I hate her bugging her eyes to one side acting like a kewpie doll. It drives me nuts. Ugh!!!

  70. Charlie says:

    Thou shalt explain absolutely every move she is making…Really Giada? You mean I should open the bag of arugala before I cook it?…and for the love of God stop saying “There we go” and “Just like that” after every single solitary step…

    • teralina says:

      Amen, amen, amen. I just counted her saying it TWENTY-SEVEN times in ONE episode. This is almost as bad as Sunny Anderson’s (“Cooking for Real” NOT) always saying, “good to go.” Makes my head want to explode.

    • VA Girl says:

      “There we go”. Anybody seen the Afro paint dude when he’s painting trees? That’s what I think every time I hear her say that.

  71. Sara says:

    Thou shalt NEVER color thy roots to blend with the unnaturally streaked highlights thou hast applied at home with Nice ‘N Easy.

  72. Coast0385 says:

    Thou shalt bore thy viewers to tears with thy fake entusiasm.

  73. aaaaaaAAAAAAAND says:

    Thou shalt always prepare the smallest amount of food possible for thy “block parties” and socials so that the five appetizers on a single platter cannot possibly be enough for everyone to try.

  74. DBgoon says:

    Thou shalt say “There we go” at least 25 times an episode!

  75. Summer says:

    For those saying we are jealous of her…please. These comments are funny because they are true. Similar posts exist for Ina Garten and Paula Deen. Guess we’re jealous of them, too?

    My all-time pet peeve has already been said – her ridiculous, over-the-top pronunciation of all things Italian. She has a valley girl voice then sprinkles in “spee-gheeeee-tiii” or “muhz-a-lella” (no r for her) or “puhn-cheeettttaaa” (pancetta has a u??) or “rhe-coat-a” and immediately switches back to valley girl. Ugh.

  76. Kimberly says:

    “Thou shalt whisper “There we go” at every opportunity.”

  77. Sean says:

    I was watching Giada at Home while reading this, and just as I read commandment #1, she started zesting a lemon….eerie.

  78. boops says:

    thou shall get that huge nose fixed before she tho bite it off and thou shall give thine guests more than a toddler portion at thine parties.

  79. lolx2 says:

    Thou shalt always eat an almond when cooking with almonds so viewers can hear how crunchy it is.

  80. BigThicks says:

    Thou shalt always talk about having this snack or that snack made for you and your siblings by your mom after school “all the time.” How freaking much did you eat when you got home from school every day, for real? Give me a break!

    Also–anybody ever notices how she never EVER mentions her Dad??? Does she even have one? This would not be so odd except she is ALWAYS talking about the rest of her entire “Italian” family. Must be issues there–no wonder there’s so many rumors about her “extracurricular activities” while away from filming on location!

  81. Chelseay says:

    1. Thou shall always be faithful to mascarpone cheese
    2. Thou shall always use amaretti cookies in whatever dessert possible

  82. Me says:

    I remember when this site actually posted new things occasionally…

    • Buttah y'all says:

      Jillian is posting reruns while she’s traveling (I think?) for the next 2 months, that’s why. It says somewhere else on the site what the deal is.

  83. Lila says:

    “Thou shalt always grin like an idiot whilst chopping anything on-camera.”

    We make fun of her because she is annoying. She’s one of my and my grandmother’s favorite “chefs” to watch and make fun of. My grandma dubbed her, “Teeth”, which I think is absolutely hilarious. Seriously, who smiles like that the entire time they’re cooking! NO ONE!

  84. RR's pompoms says:

    Thou shalt always be sure that when chopping, shoving ingredients into a blender, stirring, getting stuff from the fridge, and as mentioned above, putting something in or taking something out of the oven that thou cleavage is prominently displayed in the middle of the frame.

    And have Giada’s friends shown up defending her beautifulness? Or is that Giada herself?

  85. Paula Deen's Victoza Engorged Pancreas says:

    Thou has learned to wear an absorbent, heat resistant bra, after the unfortunate soup nipple dip incident.

  86. TennisAce says:

    Thou shalt remind us of just how much you looooooove chaclit (chocolate).

    Thou shalt use hazel nuts, toasted for the crunch in almost every salad or dessert offering

    Thou shalt use salty proscuitto in every appetizer and tell us just how it is made every single freaking time.

    Thou shalt nibble like a freaking rabbit at every piece of vegetable that you prepare and tell us how yummy it is

  87. Lyss says:

    Thou shalt ALWAYS prepare food so it has a nice crust on EVERYTHING. Seriously, she needs a “nice crust” on her meat, “a nice golden crust” on her breads, crust on freaking everything!

  88. Susie R says:

    Thou shalt not always talk about grabbing every ingredient for thy dish as if thou expects a member of thy production crew to jump over the counter and snatch it away from thee.

  89. Trudy says:

    Thou shalt always curl and contract thy fingers when describing how tender, crunchy, firm, or crispy something is.

    Thou shalt CONSTANTLY be softly smiling when doing any menial cooking task to make thy look more pleasant while cooking as thy earlier shows potray me as stiff, angry, and scowling on camera

    Thou shalt always close eyes and annoying say “AHHHHH” when something smells good.

    Thou shalt always wear a tight-fitting shirt to show off how tiny thy waist is

    –I’ve noticed on the last few episodes that her head is almost the same width of her waist. Or maybe it’s just her big curly hairdo that makes her head look bigger

  90. Timmy says:

    Thou shall always smile when cooking, even when thou has a crappy day at work and comes home to a screaming hungry family and you don’t feel like cooking.

    Thou shall have foodgasms with every bite.

  91. Buttah y'all says:

    Does anyone remember the “lemon themed” episode she did years ago, where a friend had gifted her a lemon tree a while back, and she had all these ripe lemons she was featuring in her menu that day? The friend ended up showing up at the end of the episode with a lemon painting, and got to share the lemony meal with Giada.

    But my main point here is: she was zesting/juicing lemons for literally EVERY dish she cooked in this show, and I just remember thinking “this is different from every other show she does…how exactly?” She’s forever zesting a lemon, or busting open a brand-new bulb of garlic, or getting eggs from her ceramic egg holder, while you see their surfboards in the background. Ugh.

  92. sweet peppa says:

    Sorry folks but I have to say:-

    Thou should stay away from this website IF-:

    -you have no sense of humor

    -you exist to *#s-wipe your favorite chefs

    -you are in fact a troll for FN

    Get over yourselves and just have a good laugh!

  93. James Gatz says:

    Thou shalt learn the proper form of archaic personal pronouns before building a blog post around them.

    “Thy’s”? Try “thine.”

  94. Britt says:

    “I must blow on this since it’s hot”

    My hamburgers look great, let’s slice my tomato, I like my my my my my!

    She was born in Rome, and literally two years later her mom moved her to California, but she says “in Italy we” or “back home in Italy” “in Capri we make this” in “Amalfi we do this” like she lives there. Right now she lives near the palisades in southern California where she has lived since she was two! She’s not from there. She’s a fake and does over exaggerate everything. I totally agree with all of you.

    • Daneen2Fabulous says:

      Not only that, I am Italian, and I don’t know a single Italian that pronounces words the way she does. She overdoes it almost as much as Paula, y’all!

  95. candi cane says:

    “You guys” (to quote Giada) are better than me. I
    CAN’T look at her or listen to her. Same with Rachael & Ina. Sometimes I try, I never last more than a few minutes. ANNOYING as all hell!!!

  96. Daneen2Fabulous says:

    Thou shall lovingly whisper to the food you’re preparing as if you’re getting ready to hump the sh*t out of it.

  97. Becca says:

    Thou shalt give everything a “quick little stir”.

  98. Zinc Saucier says:

    Thou shalt replace delicious pork and beef products with ground turkey and turkey sausages.

  99. Shan says:

    Oh man I thought I was the only one completely and totally irritated with how she talks, eats…..and everything in between. When she emphasizes certain words and especially when she eats I get this pit of rage in my stomach and sadly wish I had a Sandra Lee drink on hand. So glad I’m not alone =)

  100. CindGirl says:

    I’m starting to think that these people getting butthurt about these comments are proffesional masterbators who can’t stand hearing anything bad about their imaginary girlfriend Giada.I think what I’m saying is,some of us like to pass the time having a few laughs and others such as yourselves like to pass the time jerking it to FN.So I ask u people,who is the true loser here?

    • angel says:

      hahaha It’s true. First of all, we all need to vent about annoyances from time to time. Secondly, if one doesn’t like it, why ever click on the link to view even more?

  101. Lisa says:

    Thou shalt sing mmm mmm mmm like an idiot after she tastes everything.

  102. Kendra says:

    Thou shalt whisper “there we go” at least 20 times an episode. I counted once and it was out of control how many times she say that phrase. Her food is beautiful but I cringe every time she says that and can almost not bear to watch her for that reason!

  103. Your T says:

    thou shall know Todd gets regular BJ’s at the gym by men.

  104. k dawn says:

    Thou shall comment on how much you love the floral sweetness of vanilla extract every time you use it.

  105. LoveHerRegardless says:

    Thou shalt draw attention to thy garnish by exclaiming “see how pretty?”.

  106. Shawn says:

    I can’t handle when she samples food and you hear her CHOMP CHOMP eats with her mouth OPEN. GROSS!!!!

  107. angel says:

    OMG! LOL! I was watching Giada and got overly annoyed with her open mouth chewing and talking. I hate hearing people smack their mouths while eating with their mouth open. I typed it into google and found this!!

    I am SO glad I’m not the only one that notices these things!

    Gross is right, Shawn!

    Everyone else’s posts are hilarious b/c they’re so right!

    • Croftoness says:

      I typed in “Giada’s Teeth” and found this! I knew I wasn’t the only person annoyed with her insane smile and disgusting smacking. Oh! and when she talks with food sitting at the back of her throat?? GROSS

  108. Elpida says:

    I have a friend who saw Giada in a market in California and she wasn’t wearing her TV make-up. He said she was quite unattractive. She had huge bags under her eyes and her nose in profile was pointy and ugly. He also said her head was huge compared to her body and it was a lot more obvious than it shows on TV.

    She was, of course, wearing her mandatory sweater that showed almost all her breasts. I guess she doesn’t believing in leaving anything to the imagination!

  109. Leigh6870 says:

    Thou shalt chew your food with your mouth open so we can hear the “crunchiness” or “deliciousness” of whatever you’re eating. So gross!!!

  110. Adanna says:

    Thou shalt explain how adding a dash of spice gives u ‘juuuusstt a little kick in the back of ur throat’

  111. Tamany says:

    We hang out with “Giada at Home” a lot. My husband likes to watch “Hanging Out With Giada At Home” I am thinking of making some soup, but wonder if I need to unbutton my shirt to make it just right?

  112. Chiffonade says:

    Thou shalt speak with thy mouth full in unintelligible words at every possible opportunity.

  113. rissa31 says:

    Thou shall always say “just like that” when pouring or putting an ingredient in.

  114. Lee-Lee says:

    Why 5 yummy voice sounds while bobbing her head side to side? Creepy, I can’t watch her.

  115. Bill G. says:

    I love “IV. Thou shalt always annoyingly overemphasize Italian words”. Alex Trebek does the same thing with any French words that he encounters on Jeopardy and it’s every bit as annoying.

  116. Bill G. says:

    Her 11th Commandment is: “Thou shalt select clothes that make your oversized head appear even bigger.”

    It must be a running joke with the cameramen to film her from angles that make her head look the biggest. I’ll bet they have a running pool.

  117. Halons says:

    Love this site! You all made me laugh and it’s all true! Watching her first season with her hair pulled back and turtlenecks, I couldn’t stand her! Now she looks like a tramp and still with no talent! She just looks like Susan Lucci. My sister calls her Bobble head!! My young son even laughed when she said Spi-ghett-iii. WTH??!!! Food network is such a disappointment lately.

  118. Jill d says:

    Aww i like her show and yes about everythimg said on here is true, but i have gotten used to all the unusual things, and no one mentioned that she says “so now”.. And thats ok,none of us are perfect

  119. Shannon P says:

    Thou shalt always make orgasm sounds while eating what she made at the end of every episode.

  120. Christine says:

    Thou shalt smell what you’re cooking then let out a big AAHHHHH..because it just smells sooo good.

  121. kaila says:

    Thou shalt hold a party of 30 and only make 6 shhhhhhrimp..

    Thou shalt pinch fingers together when talking about certain foods.

    Thou shalt claim baby j.d’s favorit food is stake and potatoes.

    Thou shall not take the time to make her own food but yet zest a lemon into someone else creation.

    Thu shall make everybody tell her the food taste good by getting in tous geust face withover bleached teeth.

    Thou shall cook in a kitchen with huge windows letting in a lot of sun light that’s adds to the set lights and kitchen light that reflects on tous huge forehead and teeth blinding anyone watching the show.

  122. homespunchef says:

    I happen to agree with all the “commandments” and comments… And it’s not because we’re jealous… All of this is TRUE! Giada is in my opinion the most overrated “chef” on the food network… There are A LOT of things I find annoying about her but my favorite are these:

    1. She may have an Italian family but she came to the State when she was 5!! 5!!!! And yet she always mentions memories from Italy which she cannot possibly have… It is a shameful exploitation of her Italian roots and her family for that matter.

    2. She may have gone to culinary school and she may even know how to cook outside her shows but on the network most of her recipes are incredibly basic and simplistic. I mean she mostly makes pasta, risotto and shrimp. And not a lot of types of pasta either. Penne is her “go to” almost all the time.

    3. Does anyone really need a multimillionaire celebrity TV chef who makes more on ONE episode than some people make in a year showing them how to make “home made” mayonnaise by mixing store bought mayo with chopped arugula? Or how to make a “home made” dinner of boiled frozen store bought ravioli topped with a “great” store bought marinara sauce and sprinkled with a little grated smoked mozzarella to “make it your own”???? REALLY???

  123. serafinadellarosa says:

    Watching the Italian cookie Swap episode and between her crazed smile and over the top eyes and little clawing hands I’ve decided that she’s a little crazed. The way she describes her food with those great big teeth!
    There You go! Just Like That! Perfect!

  124. Cassidy says:

    Her hands are so boxy. I know she can’t help it, i just can’t look at them. Or her 100 teeth. i just cant…

  125. Steve says:

    1) Air grabbing with her crow’s hands while describing something as being “swwweet, it’s vibrant, it’s yummy…and it’s really pretty too”.

    2) The use of the phrase “ohhhhh yea” while she nods her head in satisfaction over something and ordinary as a Nutella sandwich.

    3) Street scenes of her roaming around a supermarket, or at a gelato place in Paris, always smiling in ever scene.

    4) Every pan and pot and utensil is brand spanking new, always.

    5) PARM-E-GIANO REGGY-ANO

    6) All meat & fish shall be taken out from butcher paper

    7) “And noooooooooww” and “it looks so gooooooood”

    8) The use of the phrase “it’s like little heavenly pillows” when describing ravioli or some other bite size stuffed pasta

    9) All of her dinner parties involve them talking SOLELY about the meal she just made. The ingredients, the method, etc.

    10) The obnoxious laughter during her parties as if everything minor someone says or does is funnier than a Dangerfield skit.

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