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Careers I Never Knew Existed
---Unnecessarily Censoring The Food Network
---Somebody Ask Aida Why She Can’t Talk Into The Right Camera
---Pioneer Woman Is The New Paula Deen
---Ridiculous Food Network Product Of The Week: Emeril’s JAZZ BAM Drumsticks
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Careers I Never Knew Existed
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So mom and dad were wrong. I *can* be a professional Shredded Cheese Authority. Thanks, Food Network!
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Other posts on Food Network Humor:
---8 Things You Never Knew About Sandra Lee---Unnecessarily Censoring The Food Network
---Somebody Ask Aida Why She Can’t Talk Into The Right Camera
---Pioneer Woman Is The New Paula Deen
---Ridiculous Food Network Product Of The Week: Emeril’s JAZZ BAM Drumsticks
- General: Food Network
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We are not affiliated with the Food Network, or any of their hosts, in any way. This is a satire, humor, and parody website.
(c) 2012 Food Network Humor - All Rights Reserved
45 Responses
Well, I’m a “frozen banana expert” too … it’s just something I usually don’t mention in mixed company ….
;-)
LOL i always wondered about these titles they give people :)
I always laughed while watching that show as they displayed things like, “Licorice Expert” and “Ketchup Authority.”
yeah, my all-time favorite was “Manwich Authority”
That sounds like a title for a gay porn.
Chocolate beer specialist? What do I have to suck to get that job?
It’s easy, just start a successful brewery. Jim Koch is the owner of Samual Adams.
Yeah, it’s kind of insulting that they list him as “chocolate beer specialist” when he’s the damn owner of Sam Adams. It’s like calling Bill Gates a “keyboard authority”.
I’d say Jim Koch is an all kinds of beer specialist, as he does run Sam Adams.
I’m sure if you rent Teague’s film you’ll find out.
That’s the head brewer for Samuel Adams. They do make a great chocolate bock that usually release around valentines day.
I’m an Intoxicated Beer Specialist!
Thank you for posting this! I always used to laugh at the job titles that they gave the people they interviewed.
Yeah, Food Network – let’s not dumb it down for your viewers.
As others have pointed out, Jim Koch started Samuel Adams brewery, so he’s more than just a “chocolate beer expert”
Richard Scheuerman (shredded cheese expert) was CEO of a large dairy cooperative, one of the top 5 mozzarella manufacturers in the U.S.
Helen Connolly (frozen banana expert) is the owner of the Original Frozen Banana stand, similar to the one seen on the TV show Arrested Development.
Jim Rudolph (pork rind expert) is president of a microwave pork rind company
We could go on, but each individual above is probably worthy of a segment on a show about entrepreneurs and how they got started in their business. We know we’d watch something like that – it’s perfect for CNBC or MSNBC if FN doesn’t take it.
Just don’t have Guy or Duff host it. Robert Irving or Chris Cosentino might have an interesting take, though.
Excellent comment, WG. I’d totally watch a show like that.
FN sucks for putting these lame labels on accomplished individuals.
There’s always money in the BANANA STAND!! What the hell did you think I meant?
Jello collector? I sense a new TLC program: Jello Hoarders.
Some of the vintage ones she had were pretty cool. Still a bit of an odd hobby, but to each their own. :)
Jello Hoarders: There’s ALWAYS room for Jello!
I think I’m a Jell-O collector. I buy it whenever it’s on sale and then make it so rarely it just gathers dust in my pantry. Can I be on Food Network?
Wouldn’t their interviews be even more entertaining if the actual titles of the interviewees were used? How much MORE fun would it be if it said
Helen Connolly
Owner, Original Frozen Banana Stand
Frozen Banana Expert
I guess Food Network thinks their viewers are all morons. Which explains why I’m watching so much of the Gordon Ramsay. He may have the potty mouth to end all potty mouths, but he doesn’t insult or consistently insult his viewers. (IMO YMMV)
Ramsay doesn’t have time to insult his viewers. He’s busy insulting everyone else that’s actually live and in front of him.
That said, I love the guy. Totally agree I’d rather be watching him than the shit that passes on FN anymore.
I think what FN needs are more competitive cooking shows, and also, competitive cooking shows to become a regular on other competitive cooking shows. There’s definitely not any of that on FN right now.
I love how the “Unwrapped” people bequeath their industry guests with vaguely patronizing titles– like “Pez Professional” grafted onto the name of the PEZ CEO.
Personally, I want to be the Squash Archivist. I eat a lot of squash.
One might suggest eating a lot of squash would disqualify you from being the squash archivist…
I just write the stories.
OMG…this post is hilarious! Until I read some of these comments, I never realized that the people with these ridiculous titles are actually important, successful types. I just always kind of assumed they were interviewing some trusted employees who, after 30 years of service, got to be featured on television.
OMG – I just had the same realization! I come here for laughs, but this one is kinda mind blowing. I had no idea these people were CEOs. What is the reasoning of the FN for doing this?
Does this mean I can be a Monster Energy Drink conoisseur? And my wife can be a Reeses’ Pieces maven!
They should get Mommy McBacon together with the frozen banana lady and they can talk about how to freeze a bunch of shit.
I would just love to see my name up there on the screen just once before I die:
RON
BLEACHED ANUS EXPERT HOOTERS CORP
I’ve always wondered why they do that. They go to a company. Focus on their product. Interview the founder, or owner, or head of the company about said product, but list them and try to pass them off neutral experts with no connection the the company they’ve been profiling.
I wonder how many cats that Jell-O collector has. Good grief.
Some of those people get a little too excited about their product, and they all seem to know how many times their product would wrap around the earth, if you put it all end-to-end.
That is one of my ALL TIME major pet peeves! I don’t care how many s can be lined up/stacked to circle the globe/reach the moon/stretch the Golden Gate Bridge. Unwrapped is extra guilty of this. It doesn’t impress anyone! I could say “It would take more than 7,000 paperclips, lined end to end, to stretch the length of my backyard.” Who the hell cares?
This has to be one of my favorite posts to date!
I miss Mark Summers’ Twitter. He was actually pretty funny.
They also showed a representative of the lollipop guild.
So I guess the factory that the “6-Layer Dip Maker” works at sees hairnets as an accessory, rather than something that actually KEEPS HAIR OUT OF THE FOOD.
But… She is wearing a hairnet?
My first thought too. Never been all that fond of multi-layer dips – the people who tend to serve them never think to have *other* dips, because hey, they’ve covered all the bases, right?, so if you hate one of the layers you’re out of luck – and now I’m even less so.
Sorry, these weren’t funny when they were posted two years ago, not funny now.
“Frozen Banana Expert?” That looks nothing like George Michael Bluth!
Pork Rind Expert, lmao! Good Gawd I can’t stop laughing!
L O L. Frozen banana EXPERT ya’ll!!
Allow me to post my favorite quote from any of the experts they have ever had on FN:
“You need to have it in your mouth and on your tongue and move it around some and then take it out and enjoy that taste sensation and then go back and do it again.”
From Unwrapped: Sweet Stuff, Dean Spangler representative of Dum-Dum Lollipops
Or do I just have a dirty mind?
The Smarties “Expert” is really one of their EVPs. His son and I went to elementary school today. He constantly had a huge tub of smarties in his backpack. He got expelled after 8th grade…I dunno what became of him.
These sound like the titles Ted Allen uses on Chopped. Chocolate Beer Specialist Jim Koch could sit next to Latin Cuisine Authority Aron Sanchez and Fine Dining Expert Amanda Frietag.
Come to think of it, Jim Koch would probably be hysterical on Chopped, since every interview I’ve seen of him, he’s been in the bag…