FNH wants to wish everyone a happy and healthy 4th of July! If you follow these helpful bits of advice, your celebrations should go off without a hitch. Enjoy!

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	AIDA MOLLENKAMP Pack raw meats, poultry, and seafood on the bottom of the cooler. Or as Noah Starr calls it, EYE LEVEL.
	ALTON BROWN Use a separate cooler for drinks so the one containing the food won’t constantly be opened and closed. Note: if Sandra Lee will be attending your picnic, just give her her own cooler.
	DUFF GOLDMAN If you run out of ketchup or mustard, just use some fondant instead.
	GIADA DE LAURENTIIS MOT-ZAHHHHH-RELLLL-LAHHHHHHHHHHH!
	GUY FIERI Always wash your hands after handling raw meat – or accidentally touching my hair.
	INA GARTEN Remember to wear a life preserver when watching fireworks from your gay companion’s $64.2 million dollar yacht.
	GINA NEELY Remember, ladies, your husband’s penis is NOT a firecracker. Never accidentally get drunk and set it on fire.
	PAT NEELY Never point fireworks at anyone. Except my wife. You can set them off from her ass for all I care. But anyone else, I wouldn’t recommend it.
	PAULA DEEN: Always have melted butter on hand to put out any sparks or flame that may occur when using fireworks.
	RACHAEL RAY Resist the urge to strip off all your clothes, don an ancient Indian headdress, and run around the back yard screaming YUMMO. Just trust me on that one, kids.
	SANDRA LEE Enjoy a Semi-Homemade 4th of July this year! Just buy chips, buy soda, buy cookies, buy vodka, and put it all out on a picnic table with a tacky tablecloth that you also bought. And voila, you’re done!
	TYLER FLORENCE Always preheat the grill for at least 4 minutes without opening the lid. This will get the grill nice and hot, and will also give you time to flirt with all the women at the party before your wife gets there.

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Do you have what it takes to keep up with Paula Deen, Guy Fieri, and Rachael Ray? Do you think you could do a better job than the current crop of  awful Next Food Network Star contestants? Could you stand in a room with Bob Tuschman and Bobby Flay without laughing hysterically at them? Then today is your lucky day! The Food Network is looking for their next “star!” Simply fill out the application below, or head to the FN’s casting page for more info. Good luck!

(image re-blogged from earlier FNH post)

This just in from the Surgeon General: from now on, all of Paula Deen’s fatty cookbook recipes, buttery Food Network meals, and greasy restaurant dishes will be assigned a level on the PAULA DEEN HEALTH ADVISORY SYSTEM. The different levels represent your post-consumption risk of illness and/or death.

On last week’s episode of Next Food Network Star, contestant Debbie Lee purchased (and served) STORE BOUGHT angel food cake at the Food Network Sweet 16 party. Debbie then lied to the judges, and told them the angel food cake was a “group effort.” Sure. And Sandra Lee is Jamaican.

After Debbie lied, Bob Tuschman went on a 2 minute tirade about how important it is for the next member of the Food Network family to be “trustworthy” and to have “integrity” – and then, they eliminated… JEN ISHAM! Wait, what?!

Judge Susie Fogelson posted this video response on the FN Dish blog in an attempt to justify their decision:

(Many FNH readers think Debbie wasn’t eliminated because the judges already chose her to win before the show even started filming. This interview is a parody of Susie’s original video, which can be found on the FN Dish blog.)

Breaking (and completely hysterical) news: a prankster stole one of the forks from the front of Tyler Florence’s Mill Valley, California store! Tyler let the world know about the incident via a Twitter message earlier thisevening.

It seems we have a real whodunit on our hands, guys. At this hour, one haunting question remains: WHERE THE HELL IS THE FORK?

1) Bobby Flay has 3 ex-wives. If alimony is $4,000 per ex-wife per month, how many $25 cookbooks must Bobby sell to pay the women off at the end of each month and avoid being labeled a deadbeat?

2) Noah Starr asks Aida 12 questions. She knows the answer to one of them. What percentage of questions does Aida have to bullshit the answers to?

3) Hypothetically, say Sunny Anderson has 4 pounds of marijuana. If she sells 1 pound to Antonio for $1400 and 2 ounces to Sasha for $120 per ounce, what is the street value of the rest of her hold?

4) On this week’s episode of Money Saving Meals, Sandra Lee saved $.53 by purchasing a store brand. She then spent $153 on hair/make-up products, $260 on her wardrobe, and $824 on matching tchotchkes. And after dinner, everyone was still starving because her portions were tiny. Exactly how big of an idiot is Sandra Lee?

5) Ina Garten needs to drive from Sag Harbor to Southampton for some good vanilla, and plans on stopping for 4 hours to visit some of her gay friends. The distance between the 2 towns is 15 miles. She will take her Mercedes, which can only travel 15 miles per hour for the first 7 miles of the trip because Critical Mass is cycling through town and clogging up the roads. For the rest of the trip, her Mercedes can go 40 miles per hour. How long will the trip take?

6) As people looked on in horror, Guy Fieri ate 67 donuts at a neighborhood dive. There were only 4 donuts left for the rest of the patrons. What percentage of the dive’s donuts did Guy shove into his big fat mouth?

7) Aaron McCargo is taller than Duff Goldman. Anne Burrell is shorter than Duff Goldman, but she’s not the tallest Food Network host. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.

8) On her official website, Paula Deen sells bedazzled eyeglasses for $25, pink Hey Y’all watches for $80, and pewter measuring cups for $170. If she sells 14 pairs of glasses and 6 ugly watches, how many more overpriced measuring cups must she sell in order to buy a $15,000 Russian mail order bride for her unmarried son Bobby?