What’s going on with the Food Network’s growing obsession with Giada’s boobs? It used to be you’d tune into an episode of Giada At Home and catch one or two subtly placed cleavage shots. But these days, the woman’s boobs are constantly bouncing around in our faces like two freshly plated scoops of MAS-CAR-PONN-EEHHH. And most of the time, the camera man doesn’t even make an effort to hide the fact that he’s zooming in right on her chest! It’s total boobsploitation.

The following shots are from this weekend’s episode of Giada At Home, where she and her husband hosted a fake poker party and Giada awkwardly forced people to put their plates down on their own SPECIFIC END TABLES. Giada has several signature moves that she executes on each episode, to maximize the amount of visible boobage. These are, namely:

1. The “I need something out of the drawer”

2. The “Oh, let me just reach across the counter”

3. The “I’m putting a plate together for you”

4. The “I’m pretending I have no idea the camera man is zoomed in on my breasts” PART ONE

5. The “I’m pretending I have no idea the camera man is zoomed in on my breasts” PART TWO

I understand she is a relatively attractive woman with (gasp) nice boobs, but come on. The blatant exploitation is a bit much. If they keep traveling down this path, they’re going to have to change the name of the show to “Giada’s Boobs: Watch ‘Em Move.”

The E.W. Scripps Co., Food Network’s parent company, recently reported first-quarter operating results for its syndicated businesses. They had a $2.4 million loss in the first quarter 2009, compared with a $14.2 million profit in the first quarter of 2008. As Paula Deen would say, “Look, y’all! That’s a huge, y’all, loss, y’all!”

Time to turn things around, Scripps! We’ve got some ideas to help you cut costs and get those numbers back up.
.

TOP 10 WAYS THE FOOD NETWORK CAN
SAVE MONEY AND INCREASE REVENUE

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

In honor of Tyler’s complete inability to handle any constructive criticism regarding his lame new website, feast your eyes on our ridiculous Food Network Product Of The Month: this ugly $80 “Baroque” lasagna dish by Tyler Florence. That’s “Baroque” – pronounced “B’ROKE” in honor of what you’ll be after you purchase it. EIGHTY DOLLARS! For a dish! And guess what? All profits go towards helping Tyler’s out of control ego grow even larger.
.

FNH now proudly presents: TOP 5 BETTER WAYS TO SPEND YOUR $80:

.

The Food Network is running a new promo spot for Next Food Network Star: Season 5. Have you seen it yet?

This is going to be a fabulous season indeed. Here’s the actual video:

Come, my dear children, and pray at the church of southern overindulgence, for we now bestow upon you the Ten Commandments of Paula Deen.

I. Thou shalt mention butter at least four times per dish made, even when said dish does not require butter.

II. Thou shalt cackle at least 20 times per show, louder when making a sexual double entendre.

III. Thou shalt mention one’s inarticulate sea captain husband MICHAEL in every episode.

IV. Thou shalt always wear too many bracelets and rings, including the creepy one on the thumb.

V. Thou shalt never remove jewelry even when kneading biscuit dough, as audience may forget one is now rich.

VI. Thou shalt have your offspring BOBBY and JAMIE only call you “mama” when they gravy train on your show.

VII. Thou shalt remind viewers constantly of one’s southern roots by overdoing one’s accent and incorporating “Ya’ll” as often as possible.

VIII. Thou shalt always be proud of the unhealthy qualities of one’s recipes, flaunting heart attacks as if they were trips to Dollywood.

IX. Thou shalt always take over-sized bites of everything cooked, talking with one’s mouth full, and making sure to smear desserts on one’s face.

X. Thou shalt acknowledge one’s dogs when they wander into a shot, but secretly want to know why “the help” lost control of them.

XI. Bonus: Thou shalt act like B-list celebrities on one’s Party show are like the second coming of Jesus. “Hey Ya’ll, look who’s here on Staying Alive night…FRANK STALLONE!!!”

Be sure to add your Paula Commandments in the comments section!

(Editor’s note: These commandments were written by guest blogger DerekLutz. If you have an idea for a post on Food Network Humor, drop us an email!)

.

.

.

.

.

(Editor’s note: this will be a regularly updated feature on Food Network Humor)