If you follow @guarnaschelli on Twitter, you know the woman’s descriptive food tweets border on porn. And thus, the idea for this feature was born. We originally recorded the audio for the Food Network Humor Podcast, but here’s part 2 again – set to video – for those who may have missed it. Enjoy!

If you follow @guarnaschelli on Twitter, you know the woman’s descriptive food tweets border on soft porn. And thus, the idea for this feature was born. We originally recorded the audio for the Food Network Humor Podcast, but here it is again – set to video – for those who may have missed it. Enjoy!

If you follow Alex Guarnaschelli on Twitter, you know she talks about food. A lot. And she doesn’t just say, “I want some roast beef today.” Ohhhh no.  She says, “I want roast beef studded w/ green & black peppercorns, crust on outside, pink in the middle, w/ drippings & roasted potatoes w/ rosemary.”

Wow. Talk about a mouthful! Somebody tell this woman to take a breath and calm down. It’s Twitter! It’s supposed to contain brief updates about your life, not Proust-like essays about your current food cravings.

It’s clear she’s passionate about food, but her tweets have become so loaded with extraneous descriptors and adjectives, sometimes it feels like you could gain weight just by reading them.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, here’s a heartwarming little selection of Alex’s most fattening tweets:

Alex Guarnaschelli made fish en papillote on this weekend’s episode of Alex’s Day Off, and I swear to God, the woman used enough aluminum foil to stretch from Earth to the moon 17 times:

Look at the size of that thing. That’s not a pouch, it’s an airline pillow!

When she cut it open, the thing was filled with more hot air than Susie Fogelson. Why did she use so much? She was cooking a 6-oz piece of fish, not the shark from JAWS.

Why, with all that extra aluminum foil, Alex could have…

Maybe next time, Alex. The chickens are waiting.

When it comes to Twitter, Alex Guarnaschelli is all about indulgence. When she’s not sending out self-indulgent messages about herself (“Saw a banner with my photo on it! Freaked me out!”), she’s sending over-indulgent messages about the taste and texture of food. Usually I just roll my eyes and scroll down the page, but this Guarnaschelli Tweet stopped me dead in my tracks:

Honestly, I don’t even think Paula Deen would have the balls to touch this one with a ten foot pole. If you’d like to try it, however, here are the steps:

Step 1: Go to store and purchase bread, cheese, mayonnaise, and butter. Get dirty looks from nutritionist standing behind you in line.

Step 2: Go home. Assemble it all into one fat, greasy mess. Consume with reckless abandon.

Step 3: Before going to doctor to pick up your cholesterol-lowering pills, swing by store to pick up larger pants.

Step 4: Twitter about it to gross everyone out.

Here’s further proof that when it comes to television, positioning and body angles are everything:

(The sign really says “The Next Great Chef”, a competition in which Alex was a judge. Thanks for sending in the pic, Butch!)

By popular request: here’s the “ridiculous” shot of Alex Zombieschelli overreacting about the taste of her dessert on last night’s episode of The Best Thing I Ever Ate. I should add that this has not been Photoshopped at all, so be very afraid.

You’re at a 9, Alex. We need you at about a 5. If I can’t see your eyeballs, that’s not telling me you’re enjoying your pudding. It’s telling me I should be worried my brains will be the final course.