-submitted by Abby

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The Next Iron Chef: Super Chefs battle starts on October 30. It’s a show about a bunch of professional chefs and Food Network personalities competing to see who is going to be the Next Iron Chef. You know the deal.

(Or, the way I see it, a show that will make a lot of money from advertising and attempt to make it seem like none of the executives had a winner in mind before the show filmed its first episode. But I’m a cynical bitch.)

Food Network is already pimping this show out, playing a commercial of the chefs attempting to look threatening and menacing at least every 8 minutes. That commercial goes a little something like this:

“Here are a bunch of people you will be able to recognize. Look at the scary faces they are making. Look how intimidating they are. These people are something really special. These people COOK FOOD. It’s good you’re not friends with them. You would never be able to invite them over for dinner. Why? Because you’re a home cook. You couldn’t grill a steak properly if your life depended on it. It would be awkward for you when you accidentally burned the garlic bread. You would feel tiny. Look at their crisp white jackets. LOOK AT THEM.  They all have fancy titles. But the only title that matters is…”

…and then they flash THIS photo (click to continue, possible spoiler alert):

Well duh, it’s Anne Burrell.

Anne appears to be standing next to Orson Wells and Mr. Clean, but since they are not Iron Chefs, I’m going to guess Morimoto and Michael Symon. But I honestly haven’t watched more than 15 minutes of the Food Network in about 9 months, so I may be a little rusty. (Update: I’m going to change my answer; the guy on the right seems to be wearing glasses. Has to be Irvine. It would then make sense that the guy on the left is Beau, since the 3 of them have done Worst Cooks In America together. And yes, I will admit it’s sad that I actually spent more than 7 seconds of my life thinking about this.)

Here’s the thing, and I’m going to write this in bold because it’s important: IS FOOD NETWORK REALLY THAT STUPID? Did they really think we wouldn’t be able to decipher outlines and make immediate recognitions of one of the most instantly recognizable personalities through that ridiculous shadow?

This has to be a ruse. A stunt to get buzz on the internet. There is no way they could be so egregiously idiotic. Honestly, that’s what I thought in the past every other time they gave winners away (and they’ve done it multiple, multiple times). But no. In the past, they really WERE that stupid.

Is that the case here? Is this just another epic Food Network fail in a series of epic Food Network fails? Or are those just other contestants she’s standing next to? But still, why would they have flashed that silhouette at the end of the commercial after the announcer said “it’s the only title that matters?”

Time will tell. The show starts October 30th. I will be writing recaps, so stay tuned.

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Anne Burrell’s first cookbook, Cook Like A Rockstar, is now available in stores and online. It comes packed with 125 simple, rustic recipes using readily available ingredients, helpful tips, and all the Anne-isms you can handle (garlic destiny, sparkle-factor, and more).

To celebrate the release, here are some completely fake quotes about the book from Anne’s Food Network co-workers:

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