Archives for "Ina Garten"

-submitted by Jennifer

This weekend, Food Network re-aired the Ina Garten special: Barefoot In London. While that sounds like a sure-fire way to contract Hepatitis C, it was really just an hour of Ina and Jeffrey gallivanting around London, kissing under statues, kissing on buses, and eating English foods. If you didn’t catch it, here’s what you missed:

Ina started the show by “turning back the clock” to “when the adventure all began.” The way she was hyping it up, I thought the story was going to involve good confetti, fabulous gay men, and an unexpected ride in the back of a parade float. Turns out, the story began…. with Jeffrey sitting at home exhibiting bad posture while reading a book.

Ina thought all that hunched over reading might be making Jeffrey hungry, so she decided to whip him up a fabulous meal. She also risked lighting her shent on fire by reaching over the table to pour his wine. What a gal!

Jeffrey then told Ina he was taking her to London for the holidays. Of course, that’s just TV-speak for “Food Network is paying for us to go on vacation, but we need to invent an excuse that makes it look like it’s really just us living our lives.”

Anyway, the first day there, they ate bacon sandwiches No lettuce… no tomato… just bacon, butter, and bread. That’s right. London ain’t playin’.

Next, Ina rented Jeffrey a double-decker tour bus to take him on a tour of London so she could visit specialty shops and make chocolate lollipops in peace. Once they boarded the bus, Ina spent the next 60 seconds talking to the camera with her hand ON HIS FACE. They had an entire conversation about what Jeffrey was going to do with his day, and her hand was ON HIS FACE the whole time. It’s nice to be in love, but this crossed the line to “put the lotion in the basket” creepy!

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This is ridiculous. There are 11 people in front of me, and this line hasn’t moved in 5 minutes. Who’s up there working the register? One of those stupid Deen boys? Jesus. I’m never gonna make it home in time. My Chefography viewing party starts at 7, and I didn’t even harvest the wheat for my banana bread yet. Steven and Michael are gonna be at my house any minute, and they’re gonna start having fun without me. Hmm… maybe I should move to that line over there, behind the guy with the… wait… is that guy buying NUTS IN A JAR? Forget it. I’m staying in this line. I’m not standing behind anyone buying NUTS IN A JAR.

It’s Africa hot in here. Would it kill them to put on the air conditioner? Maybe I shouldn’t have worn this denim shirt. It’s too heavy. God, what is that smell? Is it me? No, it’s definitely not me. It’s gotta be that bearded hippie in the plaid shirt over there perusing the organic patchouli. Hey buddy, would it kill you to take a shower? There’s probably a family of birds living in that nest you call hair. (nervous giggle)

….aaaand, the line still hasn’t moved. I feel like I’m waiting to ride Space Mountain. Jeffrey loves Space Mountain. Wait, why am I here wasting my time again? I need an assistant to do this stuff for me. I’m Ina frickin’ Garten for Christ’s sake. Oh, how lovely. That woman just coughed all over me. So not only am I going to be late, but I’m going to contract Swine Flu.

Why is that pimple-faced high school dropout employee in the Hawaiian shirt ringing that stupid bell again? Oh, only one ring this time. I bet that means, “These lines are so long because every moron here is buying three buck chuck.” Yelch. I wouldn’t feed three buck chuck to my mailman’s dog. Why is this place so crowded now anyway? It’s 2:30! Don’t people play golf anymore???

Move over, Sandra Lee! Ina Garten has a suuuuuper suuper siiimple cocktail “recipe” of her own. Behold her Cassis a l’eau, which is French for “gross syrupy liqueur mixed with overpriced bottled water”:

Yes, ladies and gentlemen. To consume alcohol, you just (gasp!) POUR IT IN A GLASS! If you like it cold, you can ADD ICE!

And here’s where it really starts getting good: if it’s still too strong for you, you can……… DILUTE IT WITH WATER!

(and the crowd goes crazy)

It might be time to “turn up the volume” on this drink with a few more ingredients, honey. Just saying. This isn’t a recipe, or even close.

(Sidebar: am I the only person on Earth who hates Evian water? I find it thick and creamy with a generally unpleasant mouth feel. Fiji, on the other hand…)