(Thanks for the tip, Jodie!)

According to the official Charm City Cakes Twitter account, Ace Of Cakes is now being filmed in high definition. As you may know, hi-def camera lenses shoot things in much higher quality. They also pick up and enhance all sorts of images that standard def cameras simply can’t see.

We just got our hands on some new hi-def Ace Of Cakes footage and carefully scanned it to see what we’ve been missing out on all these years:

So THAT’S what’s written on those clipboards!
Mystery solved.

It seems Charm City Cakes secretly employs
Oompa Loompas. I KNEW IT.

Poor Duff & Geof. Their secret is out.

HOLY SHIT! IT’S CLORIS LEACHMAN!
She’s been there all along!

Hi-def is great for viewers, but often, it’s not so great for television personalities. Just look what it did to Liz Lemon! Will Mary Alice and Duff Goldman succumb to the same fate?

(via Charm City Cakes Twitter)

Ace Of Cakes: Season 8 premieres this Thursday at 10 pm, and what better way to spread the word than with a terrifying poster of Duff Goldman’s floating head! Maybe it’s just the lighting, but from where I’m standing, Duff looks like he should be wearing a tank top and orchestrating a drug deal for the Latin Kings.

I’m not sure what’s more impressive: that a photograph actually managed to make this gentle guy look intimidating, or the fact that Ace Of Cakes has filmed EIGHT SEASONS. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Before today, I’d never even heard of Imagination Movers. I thought it was just an unfortunate side effect from taking too many ibuprofen, but as it turns out, it’s a Disney Channel show for preschoolers. It’s hosted by 3 goofy guys who sing, dance, and apparently never leave home without their signature blue gas station jumpsuits.

For whatever reason, Duff Goldman landed a cameo in an upcoming episode of the show. He’ll be taking on the challenging role of Baker Ben, a muffin man who makes boring muffins… well, muffins that look more like unfrosted Duncan Hines vanilla cupcakes, but I digress.

These “imagination movers” claim to solve problems. Maybe they should start by helping Duff figure out how to handle all the awful reviews his Girl Gourmet Cake Bakery is getting on Amazon. Two stars out of five? Yikes.

Duff’s episode is set to air on January 16, 2010. I say seeing him in that dorky chef’s hat more than makes up for whatever “wow factor” his muffins might have been missing.

(Thanks for the tip, Kayleigh!)

Duff made an appearance on The View this morning to present a birthday cake to Whoopi Goldberg. He cut a piece of cake for Whoopi, and instead of using a napkin to clean his hands, spent the next several seconds licking and sucking the icing off of his fingers. We watched in disgust and horror as he then cut slices for a few other people… using those same  spit-covered fingers to transfer the cake to their plates.

We understand icing is yummy and all, but come on. This is just gross. I’d expect to see this sort of cake handling technique from a 12 year old cutting cake at their birthday party, but from a “professional” baker? Yikes.

I’ll take “HOW SWINE FLU SPREADS”
for $1000 please, Alex.

For some unknown reason, yesterday’s episode of Oprah Winfrey featured a cake challenge between a few of the Food Network regulars. Duff Goldman, Marina Sousa, and Chicago’s Cake Girls went head to head in a no-rules competition to see who could create the coolest, most inspirational, and most unique OPRAH CAKE.

Marina Sousa created a gigantic “O” themed cake that highlighted many of Oprah’s supposed inspirational quotes. It featured thousands of handmade sugar beads and flowers, and it looked really nice. Her team did a great job, and of course Oprah really seemed to like it because it was all about her.

The Cake Girls made a massive 4′ high vertical mosaic cake of Oprah’s face. The mosaic itself was made out of 5,000 handmade fondant circles, many of which had IMAGES OF FACES on them. So from a distance, you saw Oprah, but when you walked closer, you saw images of her viewers and the people who made her who she is today (an overbearing loudmouth, but that’s another post.) Bottom line: their cake was amazing.

Duff Goldman was introduced as “Baltimore’s golden boy, famous for his use of blowtorches and pyrotechnics.” Really? When’s the last time you saw any real pyrotechnic or mechanical work being done on Ace Of Cakes? Duff Goldman used a blowtorch in a cake challenge once, like 3 years ago, and suddenly he’s Bob Vila? In the wise, wise words of Alicia Silverstone, “whatev.”

While the women seemed really at home on the show, Duff struggled from the moment he stepped foot on stage. When Oprah asked him why he opened a cake shop, he replied, “cakes are the physical manifestation of joy. You go to a wedding, what’s the center of attention?”  (Cue scowls from hundreds of angry women in the audience.) “BESIDES THE BRIDE,” he added, but not quickly enough. Nice move, Duff. Nice move.

And what about his cake? Instead of spending hours cutting out fondant circles, or wasting days molding sugar beads and pondering Oprah-isms, Duff and the Ace Of Cakes crew made… THIS:

That’s right. The Ace Of Cakes crew gave A PIECE OF PIE SITTING ON TOP OF A FORK to Oprah Winfrey, a woman who’s been publicly struggling with her weight for decades. Genius!

“Wow. That’s…… inventive,” Oprah replied, while trying to shield her eyes from its hideousness.

“It’s 170 pounds and it’s balanced on a little pole right there, and it could still fall over, so I’m a little nervous!” Duff said.

Ah yes. Ace Of Cakes craftsmanship at its finest.

In the end, the audience voted, and the mosaic cake by the Cake Girls was named the winner.

Maybe next year, Duff. Maybe next year.

Looks like Alton Brown isn’t the only Food Network personality shedding the pounds these days! I almost didn’t recognize Mary Alice Yeskey in these recent photos:

Congratulations to Mary Alice! I’m happy to present this Top 5 list in honor of her success.

TOP 5 THINGS MARY ALICE
CAN’T DO NOW THAT SHE’S SKINNY:

5. Shop at Lane Bryant
4. The Truffle Shuffle dance from The Goonies
3. Attend a Halloween party as Dom DeLuise
2. Ride a see-saw with Duff

AND THE #1 THING MARY ALICE
CAN’T DO NOW THAT SHE’S SKINNY:

Duff Goldman took some time off from his busy “making cake toys for little girls” schedule to show us all how to make Halloween eyeball cupcakes (er, mini-cakes). The result? The least enthused, most coma-inducing instructional video in the history of the Food Network:

There’s monotone and apathetic, and then there’s… whatever that was: “Just add sugar and butter. And some pumpkin. And whatever other shit you feel like putting in there. I really don’t care about your cupcakes. The Food Network made me film this.”

Seriously, are you okay, Duff? Because after watching that, I think I’m now clinically depressed. Why do I suddenly feel like putting on an oversized black bathrobe and blogging about dead kittens and nuclear war?

And more importantly, why is Duff Goldman suddenly looking like a Latin gang member from HBO’s prison show Oz?

(Thanks for the video tip, Jennie! Oh, and I’ll be sending you my psychiatrist bills.)