Last week, we went to Michaels to check out Duff Goldman’s new line of cake products. I was expecting to see a few cans of icing and maybe a springform pan or two, but I was so wrong. Have you seen his spread there? The guy’s selling cake tattoos, cake batter, and cake graffiti. Angled spatulas, straight spatulas, fondant smoothers, fondant cutters, icing pouches, icing tubs, decorating tips, color gels, and a whole lot more. Duff’s turning into a regular Paula Deen! And a lot of the products were sold out, so congratulations on the success with the “bored, crafty housewives” demographic, Duff & Crew!

HOWEVER.

The only thing that horrified me more than the 92-pound vat of purple buttercream fondant was DUFF’S SIGNATURE. Duff Goldman… big, manly, goatee’d, backwards hat wearin’ Duff Goldman… signs his name HEART DUFF, complete with a delicate little heart at the beginning. Say what?!

As soon as I saw Duff’s autograph, it felt familiar. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but then it hit me! I had seen it before! Other famous people have similar signatures, including:

You’re in good company, Duff. We wish you continued success.

HEART,
FNH

Duff Goldman recently took time out of his busy fondant-molding schedule to do a 3-question interview with a random marketing blog. And man, some of the answers he gave were just CRAAAAZY. I’m talking “insane person rambling to themselves at a bus stop outside an institution” crazy. I’m talking “man standing on a step stool in a park surrounded by pigeons talking nonsense in New York City” crazy. Seriously, I just re-read the article three times, and STILL had no idea what the hell he was talking about most of the time.

And so, without further ado, here are the “3 most WTF statements” from Duff’s 3-question interview:

1. “We’re making people’s dreams and joys tangible in a sweet medium that is meant to be consumed, like the hearts of vanquished Aztec warriors that are consumed to impart that warrior’s bravery.” -Duff, when asked how he felt about his cakes being temporary works of art.

2. “If my motivation was always the bottom line, that attitude would permeate everything we do and it would cease to be art. It would take on the mantle of a marketable commodity.” -Duff, when asked how he maintains a fun work environment.

3.  “If we don’t take time to be silly and joyful, we can get mired in the sludge of our own existence.” -Duff, who is now apparently a follower of Nietzsche. Thus Spoke Zarathustra!

Mired in the what?! Is it just us, or did all the answers in that interview seem incredibly un-Duff? On his show, he usually just mutters basic 4-word sentences and calls it a day. Granted, I don’t know the man personally, but I just can’t see him using phrases like “mantle of a marketable commodity” or “hearts of vanquished Aztec warriors” in everyday conversation.

But then again, maybe I’m just mired in the sludge of my own existence.

(Thanks for the tip, Jodie!)

According to the official Charm City Cakes Twitter account, Ace Of Cakes is now being filmed in high definition. As you may know, hi-def camera lenses shoot things in much higher quality. They also pick up and enhance all sorts of images that standard def cameras simply can’t see.

We just got our hands on some new hi-def Ace Of Cakes footage and carefully scanned it to see what we’ve been missing out on all these years:

So THAT’S what’s written on those clipboards!
Mystery solved.

It seems Charm City Cakes secretly employs
Oompa Loompas. I KNEW IT.

Poor Duff & Geof. Their secret is out.

HOLY SHIT! IT’S CLORIS LEACHMAN!
She’s been there all along!

Hi-def is great for viewers, but often, it’s not so great for television personalities. Just look what it did to Liz Lemon! Will Mary Alice and Duff Goldman succumb to the same fate?

(via Charm City Cakes Twitter)

Ace Of Cakes: Season 8 premieres this Thursday at 10 pm, and what better way to spread the word than with a terrifying poster of Duff Goldman’s floating head! Maybe it’s just the lighting, but from where I’m standing, Duff looks like he should be wearing a tank top and orchestrating a drug deal for the Latin Kings.

I’m not sure what’s more impressive: that a photograph actually managed to make this gentle guy look intimidating, or the fact that Ace Of Cakes has filmed EIGHT SEASONS. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Before today, I’d never even heard of Imagination Movers. I thought it was just an unfortunate side effect from taking too many ibuprofen, but as it turns out, it’s a Disney Channel show for preschoolers. It’s hosted by 3 goofy guys who sing, dance, and apparently never leave home without their signature blue gas station jumpsuits.

For whatever reason, Duff Goldman landed a cameo in an upcoming episode of the show. He’ll be taking on the challenging role of Baker Ben, a muffin man who makes boring muffins… well, muffins that look more like unfrosted Duncan Hines vanilla cupcakes, but I digress.

These “imagination movers” claim to solve problems. Maybe they should start by helping Duff figure out how to handle all the awful reviews his Girl Gourmet Cake Bakery is getting on Amazon. Two stars out of five? Yikes.

Duff’s episode is set to air on January 16, 2010. I say seeing him in that dorky chef’s hat more than makes up for whatever “wow factor” his muffins might have been missing.

(Thanks for the tip, Kayleigh!)