Food Network Humor » Duff Goldman/Mary Alice

Duff Goldman’s Signature (There’s A HEART Involved, People)

Jillian Madison — Wed, 30 Jun 2010 20:39:08 +0000

Last week, we went to Michaels to check out Duff Goldman’s new line of cake products. I was expecting to see a few cans of icing and maybe a springform pan or two, but I was so wrong. Have you seen his spread there? The guy’s selling cake tattoos, cake batter, and cake graffiti. Angled spatulas, straight spatulas, fondant smoothers, fondant cutters, icing pouches, icing tubs, decorating tips, color gels, and a whole lot more. Duff’s turning into a regular Paula Deen! And a lot of the products were sold out, so congratulations on the success with the “bored, crafty housewives” demographic, Duff & Crew!

HOWEVER.

The only thing that horrified me more than the 92-pound vat of purple buttercream fondant was DUFF’S SIGNATURE. Duff Goldman… big, manly, goatee’d, backwards hat wearin’ Duff Goldman… signs his name HEART DUFF, complete with a delicate little heart at the beginning. Say what?!

As soon as I saw Duff’s autograph, it felt familiar. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it, but then it hit me! I had seen it before! Other famous people have similar signatures, including:

You’re in good company, Duff. We wish you continued success.

HEART,
FNH

Duff Goldman’s Crazy Interview

Jillian Madison — Wed, 14 Apr 2010 14:11:24 +0000

Duff Goldman recently took time out of his busy fondant-molding schedule to do a 3-question interview with a random marketing blog. And man, some of the answers he gave were just CRAAAAZY. I’m talking “insane person rambling to themselves at a bus stop outside an institution” crazy. I’m talking “man standing on a step stool in a park surrounded by pigeons talking nonsense in New York City” crazy. Seriously, I just re-read the article three times, and STILL had no idea what the hell he was talking about most of the time.

And so, without further ado, here are the “3 most WTF statements” from Duff’s 3-question interview:

1. “We’re making people’s dreams and joys tangible in a sweet medium that is meant to be consumed, like the hearts of vanquished Aztec warriors that are consumed to impart that warrior’s bravery.” -Duff, when asked how he felt about his cakes being temporary works of art.

2. “If my motivation was always the bottom line, that attitude would permeate everything we do and it would cease to be art. It would take on the mantle of a marketable commodity.” -Duff, when asked how he maintains a fun work environment.

3. “If we don’t take time to be silly and joyful, we can get mired in the sludge of our own existence.” -Duff, who is now apparently a follower of Nietzsche. Thus Spoke Zarathustra!

Mired in the what?! Is it just us, or did all the answers in that interview seem incredibly un-Duff? On his show, he usually just mutters basic 4-word sentences and calls it a day. Granted, I don’t know the man personally, but I just can’t see him using phrases like “mantle of a marketable commodity” or “hearts of vanquished Aztec warriors” in everyday conversation.

But then again, maybe I’m just mired in the sludge of my own existence.

Totally Unfortunate Ace Of Cakes Episode Description

Jillian Madison — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 19:37:30 +0000

(Thanks for the tip, Jodie!)

Ace Of Cakes Now Filming In Hi-Def

Jillian Madison — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 15:38:12 +0000

According to the official Charm City Cakes Twitter account, Ace Of Cakes is now being filmed in high definition. As you may know, hi-def camera lenses shoot things in much higher quality. They also pick up and enhance all sorts of images that standard def cameras simply can’t see.

We just got our hands on some new hi-def Ace Of Cakes footage and carefully scanned it to see what we’ve been missing out on all these years:

So THAT’S what’s written on those clipboards!
Mystery solved.

It seems Charm City Cakes secretly employs
Oompa Loompas. I KNEW IT.

Poor Duff & Geof. Their secret is out.

HOLY SHIT! IT’S CLORIS LEACHMAN!
She’s been there all along!

Hi-def is great for viewers, but often, it’s not so great for television personalities. Just look what it did to Liz Lemon! Will Mary Alice and Duff Goldman succumb to the same fate?

(via Charm City Cakes Twitter)

Breaking News

Jillian Madison — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 13:25:53 +0000

Ace Of Cakes Kicks Off 8th Season With Scary Poster

Jillian Madison — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 00:36:32 +0000

Ace Of Cakes: Season 8 premieres this Thursday at 10 pm, and what better way to spread the word than with a terrifying poster of Duff Goldman’s floating head! Maybe it’s just the lighting, but from where I’m standing, Duff looks like he should be wearing a tank top and orchestrating a drug deal for the Latin Kings.

I’m not sure what’s more impressive: that a photograph actually managed to make this gentle guy look intimidating, or the fact that Ace Of Cakes has filmed EIGHT SEASONS. Discuss amongst yourselves.

Duff Goldman To Appear On Imagination Movers

Jillian Madison — Mon, 21 Dec 2009 06:15:40 +0000

Before today, I’d never even heard of Imagination Movers. I thought it was just an unfortunate side effect from taking too many ibuprofen, but as it turns out, it’s a Disney Channel show for preschoolers. It’s hosted by 3 goofy guys who sing, dance, and apparently never leave home without their signature blue gas station jumpsuits.

For whatever reason, Duff Goldman landed a cameo in an upcoming episode of the show. He’ll be taking on the challenging role of Baker Ben, a muffin man who makes boring muffins… well, muffins that look more like unfrosted Duncan Hines vanilla cupcakes, but I digress.

These “imagination movers” claim to solve problems. Maybe they should start by helping Duff figure out how to handle all the awful reviews his Girl Gourmet Cake Bakery is getting on Amazon. Two stars out of five? Yikes.

Duff’s episode is set to air on January 16, 2010. I say seeing him in that dorky chef’s hat more than makes up for whatever “wow factor” his muffins might have been missing.

(Thanks for the tip, Kayleigh!)

Duff Goldman Licks Fingers, Serves Cake On The View

Jillian Madison — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 17:15:39 +0000

Duff made an appearance on The View this morning to present a birthday cake to Whoopi Goldberg. He cut a piece of cake for Whoopi, and instead of using a napkin to clean his hands, spent the next several seconds licking and sucking the icing off of his fingers. We watched in disgust and horror as he then cut slices for a few other people… using those same spit-covered fingers to transfer the cake to their plates.

We understand icing is yummy and all, but come on. This is just gross. I’d expect to see this sort of cake handling technique from a 12 year old cutting cake at their birthday party, but from a “professional” baker? Yikes.

I’ll take “HOW SWINE FLU SPREADS”
for $1000 please, Alex.

If Duff Goldman Went On Love Connection

Jillian Madison — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:52:19 +0000

Duff Goldman Gets Pwned On Oprah Winfrey

Jillian Madison — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 14:41:14 +0000

For some unknown reason, yesterday’s episode of Oprah Winfrey featured a cake challenge between a few of the Food Network regulars. Duff Goldman, Marina Sousa, and Chicago’s Cake Girls went head to head in a no-rules competition to see who could create the coolest, most inspirational, and most unique OPRAH CAKE.

Marina Sousa created a gigantic “O” themed cake that highlighted many of Oprah’s supposed inspirational quotes. It featured thousands of handmade sugar beads and flowers, and it looked really nice. Her team did a great job, and of course Oprah really seemed to like it because it was all about her.

The Cake Girls made a massive 4′ high vertical mosaic cake of Oprah’s face. The mosaic itself was made out of 5,000 handmade fondant circles, many of which had IMAGES OF FACES on them. So from a distance, you saw Oprah, but when you walked closer, you saw images of her viewers and the people who made her who she is today (an overbearing loudmouth, but that’s another post.) Bottom line: their cake was amazing.

Duff Goldman was introduced as “Baltimore’s golden boy, famous for his use of blowtorches and pyrotechnics.” Really? When’s the last time you saw any real pyrotechnic or mechanical work being done on Ace Of Cakes? Duff Goldman used a blowtorch in a cake challenge once, like 3 years ago, and suddenly he’s Bob Vila? In the wise, wise words of Alicia Silverstone, “whatev.”

While the women seemed really at home on the show, Duff struggled from the moment he stepped foot on stage. When Oprah asked him why he opened a cake shop, he replied, “cakes are the physical manifestation of joy. You go to a wedding, what’s the center of attention?” (Cue scowls from hundreds of angry women in the audience.) “BESIDES THE BRIDE,” he added, but not quickly enough. Nice move, Duff. Nice move.

And what about his cake? Instead of spending hours cutting out fondant circles, or wasting days molding sugar beads and pondering Oprah-isms, Duff and the Ace Of Cakes crew made… THIS:

That’s right. The Ace Of Cakes crew gave A PIECE OF PIE SITTING ON TOP OF A FORK to Oprah Winfrey, a woman who’s been publicly struggling with her weight for decades. Genius!

“Wow. That’s…… inventive,” Oprah replied, while trying to shield her eyes from its hideousness.

“It’s 170 pounds and it’s balanced on a little pole right there, and it could still fall over, so I’m a little nervous!” Duff said.

Ah yes. Ace Of Cakes craftsmanship at its finest.

In the end, the audience voted, and the mosaic cake by the Cake Girls was named the winner.

Maybe next year, Duff. Maybe next year.