Food Network Humor » Duff Goldman/Mary Alice

Serious Contender For “Worst Food Network Pic Of 2011″

Jillian Madison — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:46:12 +0000

Guy Fieri sent this out via Twitter, and noted that he had to stop by and see his buddy “Duff” because… and I quote… “Dude is nutz.”

Sadly, even the small amount of “fame” they’ve attained has clearly gone to their heads. If enough clinically obese 50-somethings approach you in the street and tweet you to tell you how awesome you are, you’re going to start to believe it. You’re going to start to develop an ego. You’re going to start……. posing for pictures like this.

The poses! The tacky gold jewelry! The curved frat boy brim on Duff Goldman’s stupid hat! I can’t even. Somebody please tell Guy Fieri that only the biggest assholes on the face of the planet wear pinky rings. And somebody clue Goldman in on the fact that flashing the Rock ‘n Roll sign stopped being cool in 1992.

And for the love of God, can either one of them take a normal picture without acting like an idiot – or grimacing like they’re stuck on a toilet battling constipation? Is that too much to ask?

(photo via Guy Fieri’s twitter)

Draw Your Own Conclusions: The World’s Most Oddly Appropriate Photo Of Duff Goldman

Jillian Madison — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 14:30:26 +0000

No word on why Duff Goldman was photographed proudly holding a toilet-shaped container of a urine-removing product called Urine Off. I can only say it looks like something he and his merry band of misfit monotone cake friends would get a lot of use out of on a daily basis. Good luck with that, Duff.

/via Duff’s Twitter, hat tip to Mike

Duff Tells Alton A Knock-Knock Joke

Jillian Madison — Tue, 09 Aug 2011 15:43:29 +0000

The 10 Most Annoying Screengrabs From Duff Goldman’s “Sugar High” Commercial

Jillian Madison — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 16:46:56 +0000

Sometimes, you don’t need to watch an entire episode of a show to know how bad it’s going to be. Sometimes, all you need to see is the 30-second commercial preview for it… as is the case with Sugar High with Duff Goldman (which premieres on August 8th).

Sugar High is exactly like Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives: it features a goateed d-bag traveling the country high-fiving people and pointing at huge pieces of fried dough. And since every “let’s travel the world and eat” show needs a theme, Duff’s theme is sugary foods. Super creative.

Did I mention the commercial is obnoxious? If there’s anything I hate, it’s people who obsessively high-five. And this commercial features not one, not two, but three high fives.

Let’s take a look at the 10 most annoying screen grabs from the preview, shall we?

Food Network Scraping Bottom Of Barrel With New Duff Goldman Show “Sugar High”

Jillian Madison — Fri, 08 Jul 2011 15:28:16 +0000

News broke yesterday that Duff Goldman is going to be starring in a new Food Network show called… SUGAR HIGH. According to the press release, it’s 6 episode of Duff taking a “cross-country trek to capture the sweet secrets and tasty techniques that keep the cookies from crumbling in the top bakeries around the nation.”

I say, and with all caps for emphasis, ANOTHER SHOW ABOUT SOMEONE TRAVELING AROUND AND EATING? SERIOUSLY? LIKE THERE AREN’T ENOUGH OF THOSE? AND LIKE ANYONE REALLY WANTS TO WATCH UNCLE FESTER UP THERE SHOVING HIS FACE WITH FRIED DOUGH IN A FUCKING PARKING LOT? THAT NOW QUALIFIES AS COMPELLING TELEVISION? REALLY?

If “Sugar High” sounds familiar, that’s because Food Network already ran the exact same show a few years ago… only it was called SUGAR RUSH, and it starred Warren Brown. I guess he didn’t properly foodgasm into the camera or draw in enough of Food Network’s treasured “caveman” demographic or something. But talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel! Now they’re not stealing shows from other networks – they’re just rehashing their own old crap! The horror! Not to mention they’re also still running “Kid in a Candy Store”, “Unwrapped”, “Unique Sweets”, and the other countless shows about candy and baking.

If you’re looking for further proof this show is going to be horrendous, look no further than the moronic show titles: “Chillin’ with Chocolate”, “Phreakin’ Phenomenal!”, and “Something Old, Something Bold, and Something Rock’n’Roll!” If the show gets renewed, we can certainly look forward to shows titled: “Losin’ Thousands Of Brain Cells” and “Is That A Cannoli In Goldman’s Pants Or Is He Just Happy To See Me?”

The “show” starts in August. Stay tuned to FNH for updates.

(Sidebar: when I first started FNH almost 3 years ago, everything on Food Network seemed funny. Now, the whole network just sort of feels pathetic. Am I right?)