Archives for "Duff Goldman/Mary Alice"

News broke yesterday that Duff Goldman is going to be starring in a new Food Network show called… SUGAR HIGH. According to the press release, it’s 6 episode of Duff taking a “cross-country trek to capture the sweet secrets and tasty techniques that keep the cookies from crumbling in the top bakeries around the nation.”

I say, and with all caps for emphasis, ANOTHER SHOW ABOUT SOMEONE TRAVELING AROUND AND EATING? SERIOUSLY? LIKE THERE AREN’T ENOUGH OF THOSE? AND LIKE ANYONE REALLY WANTS TO WATCH UNCLE FESTER UP THERE SHOVING HIS FACE WITH FRIED DOUGH IN A FUCKING PARKING LOT? THAT NOW QUALIFIES AS COMPELLING TELEVISION? REALLY?

If “Sugar High” sounds familiar, that’s because Food Network already ran the exact same show a few years ago… only it was called SUGAR RUSH, and it starred Warren Brown. I guess he didn’t properly foodgasm into the camera or draw in enough of Food Network’s treasured “caveman” demographic or something. But talk about scraping the bottom of the barrel! Now they’re not stealing shows from other networks – they’re just rehashing their own old crap! The horror! Not to mention they’re also still running “Kid in a Candy Store”, “Unwrapped”, “Unique Sweets”, and the other countless shows about candy and baking.

If you’re looking for further proof this show is going to be horrendous, look no further than the moronic show titles: “Chillin’ with Chocolate”, “Phreakin’ Phenomenal!”, and “Something Old, Something Bold, and Something Rock’n’Roll!” If the show gets renewed, we can certainly look forward to shows titled: “Losin’ Thousands Of Brain Cells” and “Is That A Cannoli In Goldman’s Pants Or Is He Just Happy To See Me?”

The “show” starts in August. Stay tuned to FNH for updates.

(Sidebar: when I first started FNH almost 3 years ago, everything on Food Network seemed funny. Now, the whole network just sort of feels pathetic. Am I right?)

Last week, we told you Food Network was pulling the plug on Ace Of Cakes. But don’t feel sorry for Duff Goldman! In a recent interview with The Baltimore Sun, Duff boasted that the cancellation of his show will allow him to make “a lot more money!” (You know, just in case charging six figures for a cake isn’t quite enough.)

Sadly, that’s not the stupidest thing he said in the interview. He took a cheap shot at Buddy Valastro and the show Cake Boss by saying the genre of cake television has been “cheapened by TLC” and is now “saturated with stupid people yelling at each other.” More specifically, he told The Sun:

We’re a group of friends who really love each other. The rest of them, they’re so fake, they’re so set-up, it’s just bad television. Cake television is pretty catty, pretty mean. So we’ll let the catty people have it. We’ll move on.

Please. It’s CAKE TELEVISION, not Masterpiece Theater. How much more could it really be cheapened?

For someone who seems so disgusted by the “catty people” in the world of cake television, it’s interesting, then, that Goldman’s next TV show is going to be about… CAKES. He’s not “moving on”… he’s moving to Los Angeles to start up a West Coast version of Charm City Cakes, and it’s all being filmed for another reality tv show. He even referred to the new show as “basically kind of a continuation of Ace of Cakes.”

You know what that means! The prestigious world of Cake TV will continue to be saturated with stupid people yelling at each other. Rejoice!

Yesterday, Food Network quietly announced that they pulled the plug on Ace Of Cakes. Season 10 starts in January, and after that, it’s sayonara. And might I say THANK GOD. Listening to Geof and the rest of those hipster bakers running around that shop muttering in their monotone voices was more than I could tolerate. Your mileage may vary.

The show has been on since 2006. It’s now 2010. Only in “Food Network Land” could that amount to 10 seasons… but whatever.

Season 10 will feature more of the same: Duff & the crew overcharging people for fondant-covered pieces of wood and styrofoam. But wait! There’s more! Season 10 will also bring a large-scale recreation of the Delorean time machine from Back To The Future. Wow! GET EXCITED!

Bob “Tuschie” Tuschman said that viewers are still “passionate” about Duff, so they’re working on new show ideas for him. We’ll bring you OUR ideas for new Duff shows in a future post, so stay tuned.

If you can’t make it out, Duff’s saying “mouth full of meat” and “feel that sauce just dripping down the back of your throat.” Enjoy!

New game! Spot the borderline inappropriateness in Ace Of Cakes episodes!

Last week, we were treated to a gigantic airbrushed peen. This week, the word “DOUCHE” was written on a piece of paper in Elena’s workspace:

James wrote in with the tip, and added: “I don’t know if that’s her new title at the bakery, or her shopping list, or what. They certainly seem to be seeing what they can sneak by the standards though.”

I can’t wait to see what next week brings. Unless, of course, it’s a fondant replica of Geof’s manhood that they “accidentally” left sitting in the corner. Shudder.