Archives for "Giada De Laurentiis"

Giada De Laurentiis, Twitter Conversations »

…And You Thought Giada’s Lemon Bars Were Gross?
Posted on September 28th 2009

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Apparently Giada Really Liked The Asparagus
Posted on September 19th 2009

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(…from her delightful little New Mexico vacation)

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Untrue Food Network Rumors: Giada Starring In “There’s Something About Mary 2″
Posted on September 15th 2009

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Giada De Laurentiis »

Inner Monologue Of A Piece Of Garlic On Giada’s Counter
Posted on September 9th 2009

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Of all the counters of all the kitchens in the world, I had to end up here with this broad and her collection of 5 recycled recipes?! God, I hate it here. The entire place reeks of rancid citrus zest and discarded Crest White Strips. And these counters are cold. So cold!

Let me guess – she’s going to chop me up and saute me in olive oil and drizzle me over a plate of spa-GIT-hee? How original. I’d rather end up as a subtle undertone in a warming bowl of bull penis soup on an episode of Bizarre Food. At least Andrew Zimmern would appreciate me.

Look at her standing there, in that tank top dress thing. Did she borrow that from her neighbor’s 7 year old? And would it kill her to put her hair back? She’s cooking food, not posing for a GlamourShot. OH GOD, SHE’S COMING THIS WAY! I swear, if she pairs me with that lemon, I’ll release a billion allyl methyl sulfides and no one will ever want to kiss her again. Parents will shield their children in horror. Farm animals will pass out at her feet. Don’t test me, Giada. You know I will.

Phew, that was a close call. She took my chunkier cousin instead. I knew Jenny Craig would pay off. At least I have a decent view of the ocean from out that tiny window. Oh look. There’s Spencer Pratt. He really needs to do something about that disgusting flesh colored beard. And is that Chastity Bono? No, it’s Guy Fieri. Should have known. Chaz Bono has a much bigger package.

OH MY GOD, SHE’S COMING THIS WAY AGAIN! Oh no! She grabbed me and put me on the cutting board. I don’t have much time! Now I must bask in my last sunless moments under the shady mountains of her breasts.

Ahhh! She’s ripping me open! The Opi nail polish! IT BURNS! IT BURNS! Farewell, cruel world! FAREWELLLLLLLL.

Best Of FNH, Giada De Laurentiis, Rachael Ray »

Giada Tells Rachael A Knock-Knock Joke
Posted on September 3rd 2009

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