Did you know that before Guy Fieri was selling sweatbands and obnoxiously screaming in our faces, he was pitching auto parts for a company called Flowmaster?  He was so much more subdued, and far less annoying. Check out his (gasp!) SOLID COLOR T-SHIRT and button-down tucked into his Sears jeans. And look! Nary a tacky piece of gold jewelry in sight!

Thanks to the magic of the internet, there’s video, too:

This is hilarious to me, because I always thought he looked like he just crawled out from underneath some loud muscle car. I’m not sure what’s more terrifying, though: the sight of him eating a 12 pound hot dog, or him coming at me with a large metal pipe.

We always say the Food Network turns people into ridiculous, exaggerated caricatures of themselves (think Paula Deen and Rachael Ray). That’s clearly true with Guy as well. And frankly, I’d take the old Guy over the new Guy any day.

Oh, and by the way, NICE DAD JEANS, FIERI!

Dear good people of the internet, if you ever find yourself searching for shirtless pictures of Guy Fieri, shut down your computer and book an appointment with the closest psychiatrist ASAP. You are incredibly unstable and may be a risk to the general public. K? Great. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to pour a gallon of Clorox on my brain in an attempt to forget this little search incident ever happened.

(Thanks for the terrifying image, KK!)

4 out of 5 psychiatrists agree you have to be certifiably crazy to enjoy watching Guy Fieri on television. However, a guy by the name of James Roberts just took “creepy psycho fan” to a whole new level by PERMANENTLY TATTOOING GUY FIERI’S AUTOGRAPH ON HIS LEG:

Let me put this in language you Fieri fans can understand: James Roberts boarded the train to CRAZYTOWN, but got detoured to FREAKVILLE, where he opened a SLAMMA JAMMA MANHOLE COVER TO DATELESSNESS, before establishing a PERMANENT RESIDENCE IN WEIRDOVILLE.

Lock your doors, Fieri. Lock your doors.

(Thanks for the tip, Lana!)

It’s official: the two most obnoxious things on television, Guy Fieri and the Aflac duck, finally paired up and make a commercial together. Although this video plays like an FNH parody or a SNL skit, sadly, it’s completely real.

HAHAHA! A lame, unfunny video with a middle-aged toolbag harassing an injured duck! That makes me want to switch insurance companies immediately!

Not surprisingly, the campaign seems to be bombing already. At the time of this posting, the video had a paltry 1,100 views on YouTube – hardly the “viral” response the company likely expected out of Fieri.  What the hell was Aflac thinking? Fieri is the world’s worst insurance pitchman! He doesn’t  conjure up feelings of “safety” or “protection.” His bracelets alone scream “ignorance” and “haphazardness.”

His spiky hair, however, screams “Lesbian chic circa 1992.”

Good luck with that, Fieri. Let us know how it works out.

Hair bleach: $8
Sunglasses: $100
Finally getting recognized by Time Magazine:
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Ah yes. Guy Fieri was recently recognized by Time Magazine for having one of the “10 Worst Celebrity Goatees.” And if you thought the photo was hilarious, wait ’til you get a load of the author’s spot-on description of Fieri:

The self-dubbed “rock-and-roll chef” is more the king of lame than the king of rock. Honestly picking on Fieri’s appearance is too easy (the bleach-blond hair, the loud shirts, and the biker sunglasses are more suited to an awkward, out-of-touch uncle desperately clinging to a vestige of youth that exists in his mind and his mind alone). But the goatee? It’s the final peppering of tremendo-lame on this overdone disaster.

It’s about time you caught on, Time! (Sorry, had to go there.)

(Thanks for the tip, Lana!)

Another day, another hilarious spelling error courtesy of the Food Network!

This appeared in one of those annoying screen pop-ups during last night’s episode of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. It seems even the people at the Food Network are confused about the spelling and pronunciation of Fieri’s fake last name!

(Thanks for the tip, Vegas!)

Guy Fieri’s National team lost 15-11 to the American League during last night’s MLB celebrity all-star game, and Fieri was definitely one of his team’s weakest links. Aside from him just generally sucking in the infield, Fieri earned his team’s only error when he threw a wild ball from 2nd base to 1st base during what should have been a routine play. He also “ran” after a fly ball (it was actually more like “Truffle Shuffled” after the fly ball) and threw it to the 1st baseman, instead of to home plate, which allowed a run to score.

He wasn’t any bonus behind the plate, either. Fieri miraculously got a single during his first at-bat, but later flied out with runners on-base.

And for the record, this guy shouldn’t have been playing 2nd base. My little sister had a better throwing arm when she was 12.

Don’t quit your day job, Fieri! Wait, on second thought…