From cheesecake to alligator… if it’s edible, chances are Paula Deen’s coated it with batter and dumped it into her deep fryer! Here’s a quick rundown of Paula’s 7 craziest, most overindulgent deep fried recipes, y’all.

(Note: you can click the titles to go to the actual recipe page on FoodNetwork.com. Beware of their pop-up ads and auto-start videos, though.)

1. DEEP FRIED MAC & CHEESE
Watch in amazement, shock, and probable disgust as Paula Deen wraps mac & cheese in bacon, deep fries it to a golden brown, and eats it before your very eyes. According to an FNH reader named Hannah, “I swear to God, only a southern woman could survive that mouthful of heart attack on a stick.”
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2. DEEP FRIED STUFFING ON A STICK

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This is basically a combo of breakfast sausage, crackers, carrots, and celery that’s been battered and fried. It doesn’t look appealing to me, but according to Rachael Ray, it’s on a stick, so KIDS WILL LOVE IT!

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3. FRIED BUTTER BALLS

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Yes, these heart-stopping cholesterol bullets are nothing but butter and cream chunks that have been battered and deep fried. This is just wrong on so many levels. But on the bright side, hey, at least they’re low carb!

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14, the artist behind the website Gallery Of The Absurd, skewers celebrities and pop culture with spot-on illustrations. She was inspired to create this portrait of Paula Deen after seeing her on the cover of a magazine, posing with a dessert that was “practically the same size” as her head.

Equally as funny as the drawing? The artist referred to ol’ Paula as “a human marshmallow with a blinding smile.” Truer words have never been spoken.

Added bonus: I’ll be working with 14 in the future on a series of satirical Food Network host illustrations. Stay tuned, and don’t forget to visit Gallery of the Absurd for more hilariousness!

Paula Deen’s got her own television shows, her own magazine, and her own restaurants. She’s got her own furniture line, her own cookware line, her own jewelry, and her own food products. She’s got her own cookbooks, her own playing cards, her own stores, and her own bedazzled eyewear. She hawks for Smithfield, Kaleen, and B. Lloyd’s nuts. She even has her own line of baked goods at Wal-Mart. But guess what, y’all?

PAULA DEEN AIN’T DONE YET!

It was announced today that Paula Deen will soon be launching her own line of… DESIGNER PAPER PRODUCTS, including stationery, recipe cards, and food containers. The products will be available in May 2010 in over 1,000 Michaels craft stores across America.

Paula better slow down, or she’s going to run out of products to put her name on.  All I know is that the second I see a line of Paula Deen sex toys, I’m moving to Guam.

Danny Boome joined Paula Deen in the kitchen on today’s episode of Paula’s Party. For whatever reason, Danny thought it would be fun to film a cooking segment in an elf costume that had dozens of annoying little jingling balls sewn onto it. Paula called him out, and this is the actual conversation that followed:

Paula Deen then let out a cackle that made it crystal clear she knew what sort of “pearl necklace” Danny was referencing. Danny gets 10 points for his quick-witted Bea Arthur-esque response, but loses 10 points for making me think about Paula Deen’s sex life. Yelch.

With all the different ways we have to enjoy ourselves, it’s all too easy to overlook the option of “partying like Paula Deen.” But Woman’s World, the self-designated authority on feminine fun, wants us to do just that.

There’s one problem: the article just typed up some diet recipes without expressly telling us how to party like Paula Deen. Hell, we don’t even know what that means!

We honestly have no idea how Paula parties, but we think these are probably her favorite party games:

1) Pin the Tail on the Fryer
2) Win, Lose, or Cackle
3) Are You Smarter Than A Smithfield Ham?
4) Twenty Questions About Crisco
5) Spin the Bottle of Insulin

(As always, don’t forget to leave your suggestions in the comments. And is it me, or is that cover photoshopped? I haven’t seen Paula Deen touch an apple since the Bush administration.)

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow Food Network Humor became THE premiere place for people to bitch about how much they hated the Paula Deen pies they purchased at Wal-Mart. I get several emails a day from Paula’s dissatisfied customers, like this lovely one from Rick. Now I don’t know much about Rick, other than he likes  fog, and he feels he could make a better pie than the gross one he got at Wal-Mart:

At this point, I’m hoping one of two things will happen:

1) Paula Deen will stop selling her soggy, nasty pies at Wal-Mart
or 2) People will stop e-mailing me about how much they hated her soggy, nasty pies from Wal-Mart

So this is my plea,  dear internet: stop telling me how much you hated your Paula Deen pies and go complain to her directly. I am completely powerless and can’t do anything to help you. Her website is PaulaDeen.com, or you can complain to her on Twitter by clicking here.

THANKS, Y’ALL!

I go out of town for one day (one day!) and Paula Deen gets hit in the face BY A HAM. Oh the irony!

Deen was delivering 25,000 lbs of Smithfield hams at an event for Hosea Feed the Hungry and Homeless when it happened. She threw one down the relay line, and some guy in the crowd yelled “back at ya!” and threw it at her. The rogue ham hit her in the nose.

You can check out the video below. It’s hilarious how the other volunteers shielded her and rushed her off camera like she was the President who just got shot or something. And what about her husband at the end of the video, standing there juggling his hams instead of rushing to her side?

Don’t worry, Paula wasn’t injured. She’s totally fine. No word about the ham’s condition, though.

Let this be a lesson to Paula:

As we mentioned yesterday, Paula and her husband Michael have been showing up on virtually every television network promoting his new book, “My Delicious Life With Paula Deen.” MSNBC also got in on the action by printing a huge excerpt of the book – including the part where Michael revealed how he and Paula met while they were neighbors in Georgia:

I was just standin’ around outside, mindin’ my own damn business, in my own damn backyard. Then I noticed these two tiny, sorry-lookin’ black-and-white dogs who were mighty busy poopin’ all over my lawn … So I was pettin’ the dogs, playin’ with ’em, and Paula ran up and said, “I’m so sorry.” She was wearin’ jeans, an apron, and a baseball cap over her gray hair and was screamin’ “Stop! Sit! Stop!” to the dogs, who paid not a bit of attention to her …

Probably two weeks later, I was out smokin’ in my yard again and Paula shows up chasin’ the dogs again! And naturally the dogs and I had already said our hellos — we’re buddies by this time. Paula ran up, same thing. “Well, I’m sorry my dogs are poopin’ in your backyard again,” she said. “If you have a bag or somethin’, I can clean it up. Please let me.”

“It’s okay,” I said … Did I mention that I thought she was gorgeous? And her legs — whoa.

You can read the whole story – including the icky part where Paula Deen got “turned on” by “heavin’ water and all that bangin’ around” on their first boat ride together – over at MSNBC. Brain bleach optional.

Paula Deen and her tugboat captain husband Michael have been popping up all over TV this month, aggressively promoting his new book My Delicious Life With Paula (subtitled: Released Just In Time For Us To Take Your Money During The Holidays  – and by the way, I have my own line of coffee, too!)

Paula and Michael played The Newlywed Game on yesterday’s episode of The Today Show, which resulted in what can only be described as THE MOST CRINGE-WORTHY PAULA DEEN VIDEO SEGMENT OF ALL TIME. Sure, things got a little uncomfortable when we learned Paula plucks Michael’s nose hairs out in public, but that was nothing compared to the sheer awkwardness that ensued when Meredith Viera asked Paula to name “the most delicious place” she and Michael made whoopie.

For the first time in her public life, the notoriously boisterous Paula Deen went completely silent. She had no idea what to say, so she just flashed confused faces and nervously shifted around in her chair for what seemed like an eternity. It was literally hard to watch, and the air in the studio was so heavy and thick, I was half expecting Guy Fieri to jump out and cut a Scooby Doo-esque hole in it with one of his ugly new knives.

Thankfully, the hosts moved on to another question after she failed to give an answer. But come on, Today Show. Why were they even playing this game to begin with? They’ve been married for 5+ years. That’s hardly “newlywed.” Even so, some things are better left unknown… and the most interesting place Paula Deen has had intercourse is definitely one of them.