I KNOW WHAT I’LL BE MAKING FOR DINNER TOMORROW!

(Thanks for the tip, @swensonmal! Original recipe and review can be found here)

There’s no doubt about it: Paula Deen’s got her name attached to some pretty ridiculous products (a $50 Paula Deen Egg & Muffin Toaster, anyone?)

As you may know, Paula has her own line of furniture as well. I must admit, some of the items look really nice. While I can’t speak for how well they’re made, I can say I’d probably sit through an entire episode of Guy’s Big Bite for that Savannah 4 poster bed.

As is so often the case with Paula’s products, her marketing machine is working behind the scenes 24/7 to make the items as appealing to her fan base as possible. Take this lovely tobacco desk, for example. It’s not an “office desk” or a “letter writing desk.” Oh no. It’s a “RECIPE WRITING DESK” (insert gigantic eye roll here).

FNH reader Mo spotted this little gem while browsing the internet, and wrote in to share her thoughts:

I had no idea Paula was hawking a freaking recipe writing desk. What the hell is a recipe writing desk? A desk to go next to your “pay the bills” desk and your “letter writing desk?” O
r maybe you could squeeze it in next to the ever popular “internet porn surfing desk” (that one’s by Bobby Flay, natch.) The PD recipe writing desk should be a giant stick of butter or maybe a freaking gurney. Or one of those snazzy hospital tables so you can write your recipes on it while recovering from the trauma of eating Deen’s food.

I could go on about one of these pieces having a color called “tobacco” or the insane pricing, or that there’s a whole line called “The Bag Lady.” When i go shopping for new stuff, I always look for “hobo” and “bag lady” stuff first. That signals QUALITY! Susie Fogelface would be proud.

Proud, indeed!

(Thanks to Squirrel for sending me the link to the original video, which is truly disturbing on sooooo many levels.)

FNH reader Shari found these packages of Paula Deen Shells & Bacon at a H-E-B in Texas. I know Paula Deen has her name on half of the products currently being sold on this planet, but when did she get her own mac & cheese? Can discounted defibrillators at K-mart really be that far behind?

It’s not enough for Paula Deen to simply dunk her lobster in a butter sauce prior to eating it. Oh no. Paula Deen likes to cook her lobster in butter, shred it, pour melted butter over it, and DRINK IT. We took the liberty of putting a simple “how-to” manual together in case anyone was interested in trying Paula’s method:

Don’t forget about step 5, dialing 9-1-1.

This morning, Paula Deen sent out a Twitter message marveling at the sheer amount of people involved in creating a television commercial for one of her 92 billion products. That got us thinking: exactly how many people does it take to make a Paula Deen commercial?

1 person to decorate the set
1 to operate the camera
1 to handle the lighting
1 to apply her make-up
1 to do her hair
4 to whiten her teeth
1 to give her a spray-tan
1 to hold her butter
1 to pick up her dogs’ poo
1 to guard her jewelry from maids
1 to hold her Philadelphia Cream Cheese
1 to remind her to mention her magazine
1 to iron the collar up on Bobby Deen’s polo
1 to protect her face from airborne Smithfield hams
1 to remove food from her husband’s beard while she’s busy

So by my count, that’s about 18. Good luck with that, Paula!