On his new show Shaq Vs, Shaquille O’Neal challenges various athletes and professionals to see if he can beat them at their own game. On last night’s show, he challenged Rachael Ray to a burger cook-off. If you didn’t catch it, here are the Top 5 things you missed:

1) Rachael made several generic, corny comments about Shaq’s height and inability to shoot free-throws. Wow, I bet he’s never heard those before! Shaq rolled his eyes at her in the confessional and said, “Can I go a day without a free throw joke? Old people give me free throw jokes.” Oooh, burn!

2) Rachael’s “people” picked them up from the grocery store in a PRIUS. They made him sit in the back. Nice touch.

3) Of COURSE, Cusimano showed up mid-episode to share some of Rachael’s burger tips. He literally looked like he just finished hauling something cross-country in a tractor trailer.

4) After a blind taste test, Rachael won. No surprise there; Shaq loses every week. As punishment, he had to do the dishes.

5) And speaking of doing dishes, apparently, Rachael gets all hot and steamy for John while he’s washing the dishes:
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Thanks for sharing, Ray-Ray. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

This just in from the land of the Food Network marketing machine: Rachael Ray just launched her very own line of  lunch totes. She thinks they’re “fun” because they’re shaped like vegetables. We, on the other hand, think they’re EFFING HIDEOUS.

These nasty little things were first spotted by FNH reader Patti, who wrote in and shared the following witty retort:

Really?! Rachael Ray Fun Lunch Totes?! What the holy hell is this? Who is the demographic they were shooting for? “Do you miss being made fun of for being a total nerd in the lunch room like you did years ago when you were a kid? If you said yes, than this is the lunchbox for you! Take your leftover “stoup” to work in this classy Artichoke lunch tote… for only $18.95!”

What is so much “fun” about an artichoke, Rachael? Please explain the fun to me if you expect me buy a veggie shaped lunchbox.

What’s next, Douche Bag Guy Fieri lunch totes in the shape of sunglasses? Aunt Sandy’s liquor bottle shaped lunch tote? Paula’s butter stick lunch tote?

I don’t see what’s so “fun” about these things, either. They’re the complete opposite of fun. They’re LAME AND LOSER-Y. Frankly, if I saw an adult with a tomato lunch tote, I wouldn’t smile. I’d be terrified. I’d think they were prematurely released from a padded cell somewhere, and I would fear for my life.

The sad thing is, I can actually see some of the Food Network mediawhores releasing products like Patti suggested. Paula Deen butter totes. Sandra Lee alcohol totes. Nothing would shock me anymore. All I know is this: The second Giada releases a breast-shaped thermos, I’m moving to Outer Mongolia.

That, and I would not be caught DEAD with a Rachael Ray artichoke lunch tote.

(Thanks for the tip, Patti!)

This guy was on her show today, and when he unveiled the portrait, she unenthusiastically mumbled, “not bad.” Really? “Not bad?” The guy made your head out of 6,000 CHEETOS. That’s equal parts fascinating and terrifying.

Oh Rachael. So famous. So hard to impress these days.

If you live in the New York area, chances are you’ve heard of the C’MON LEBRON movement. It’s basically a gigantic PR stunt (complete with corny t-shirts and songs) to try to get LeBron James to play professional basketball in New York. Rachael Ray jumped on the bandwagon, and released this short – yet terrifying – video for the C’Mon LeBron campaign:

That’s her big idea? Luring him to the city by threatening offering to cook for him? That’s an awful idea. What’s next? Promising him front seats at John Cusimano’s next acoustic concert?

One thing’s for sure: you’ll never be the same after hearing Rachael Ray utter the words “C’mon, LeBron, dinner’s ready” whilst playfully tugging at her t-shirt.

I was just browsing Yahoo’s Shine blog when I came across an article on “Fun restaurant chains to celebrate your birthday.” Turns out Rachael must be a big fan of Hooters, because her magazine, Everyday with Rachael Ray, has featured it in their top spot. Really Rachael? Hooters? With all of the chain restaurants out there, that’s the best you and your staff could come up with? Better yet, have you ever actually eaten there? Because their wings taste like greasy breaded ass.

Either Rachael’s vicariously living through those chesty women, or she’s just trying to get rid of John for the day.