I saw Rachael Ray selling her crap on QVC today, and couldn’t help but notice the misshapen, fuzzy fish hooks sitting atop her eyes in the place where her nicely groomed brows used to be. Even worse, THEY DIDN’T MOVE. ONCE. It was frightening to watch.

D

Rachael’s on QVC until 9 PM EST, so if you hurry, you can tune in to see her frozen face for yourself.

(And if you order a piece of Bubble & Brown bakeware while you’re there, don’t blame me.)

This magazine cover is everrrywhere. It’s front and center in bookstores and doctors offices. It’s staring at me while I’m waiting in line at Wal-Mart and paying for my groceries at the supermarket. And yet, no matter how many times I see it, I still want to reach down and brush the nasty looking flakes off of her hair with the back of my hand.

Let’s hope there’s a bottle of Selson Blue – or at least the business card of a more competent stylist – inside that pretty silver box she’s holding.

Let me state this up front: charity is good. We should all be charitable. We should all donate generously and help those less fortunate than ourselves.

Having said that, this Rachael Ray/Martha Stewart painting currently up for auction at CharityFolks.com IS WHAT NIGHTMARES ARE MADE OF. I can’t stop staring at Rachael Ray’s droopy, mangled face. She looks like the deformed love child of Suzanne Somers and Ed McMahon. Good God, it’s terrifying.

Artist Dan Dunn created this lovely painting to commemorate the fact that Rachael Ray and Martha Stewart… (gasp)… went on each other’s television shows. Hopefully, that truly historic event will be added to all 7th grade social studies textbooks before the end of the year.

The bidding starts at a meager $1,000, but you can buy it now for $4,000. Or, you can just go donate some time to a local soup kitchen. You’ll be doing a lot of good, and you just might sleep a little easier without this thing in your house.

(Thanks for the tip, Alessandra!)

This photo still from Rachael’s Vacation: Farm To Table just might be one of the corniest, most contrived Food Network photos of all time. I don’t know about you guys, but I find myself wanting to smack that ridiculous, surprised expression off of her face. IT’S LUNCH. Exactly how much shock and awe could a cobb salad possibly inspire? And what about that phony smile? Give me a break, Rachael. You’re eating a scallion… not being secretly pleasured by Jon Hamm.

Oh, and I hope the closest Native American tribe is aware she’s using one of their papooses as an ear accessory.

Bottom line: there’s something very wrong when a simple photo of you eating lunch looks like it could be an engineered print ad for an Olive Garden in New Mexico.

Your face is at an 11, Rachael. We need it at a 4.

In today’s edition of “Things That Sound Like Something FNH Made Up, But Are Unfortunately Real”: As many as 600,000 NYC-area public school kids will soon be feasting on lunch recipes created by Rachael Ray. According to the NY Post, the menus will include “sizzling soft tacos and Southwest roasted chicken and Ray’s own Southwest Yum-o! ranch sauce.”

You hear that, kids? If ever there was a time to brown bag it, that time is NOW.

One of the commenters on the NY Post said it best: “Ray telling kids what to eat is like Bloomberg telling them how to brush their teeth. Pointless.”

Agreed. Now let’s just hope she doesn’t try to serve these poor kids her Rouladen…

(Hat tip to Beth Crosby for creating one of the funniest Ray-Ray parodies we’ve seen in awhile!)

Don’t quit your day job, Ray Ray.

Andy Roddick and Rachael Ray were both guests on Late Night with David Letterman last week. When Dave and Andy went outside to play an impromptu game of tennis, Ray Ray tagged along… as the ball girl. Clad in a skin tight khaki skirt that retarded her movement, un-athletic Rachael clumsily waddled after the stray balls with all the grace of a golden retriever with an inner ear imbalance. It was… hilarious.

Here’s the video. The Ray-Ray action starts at about 35 seconds in.