A frame by frame dissection of Sandra Lee taking a sip of a not-so-delicious concoction of lemonade, heavy cream, and vodka. Enjoy!
(Written by Elizabeth Bastos)
Oh, she’s going to cover me in a cheap harlequin damask and put on her keyhole sweater. She’s wearing her hair up. Oh. God. Out come the overglossy porcelain mini Mardi Gras masks, one for each place setting. And here I thought these were collectibles only among 8th grade girls.
How can this be my life? With my pretty grain, I thought I’d end up in foyer of some Intercontinental Hotel, maybe Dubai. The light in the studio here is all wrong for me — fake windows — and now I’m being festooned with yellow (she couldn’t find gold) green, and purple crepe paper. Lady, are you serious? This isn’t even close enough for jazz. I know we’re on a budget, but you’ve made a King Cake with a 13.9 oz. can of Pillsbury breadstick dough and called it Creole? And the recipe calls for a 1-inch heat-proof plastic baby. What’s the average home cook supposed to do? I’ll tell you what: there will be tears at the doll’s house tonight.
Of course you’re going to drape the chandelier in Mardi Gras beads. Of course you are. What I want to know is: Did you earn those beads and coconuts yourself? Is there video?
If I could stomp on my four slender, hand-carved feet out of here to Ina Garten’s I would. She’d enhance my grain with some navy heavy-cotton napkins, hand-knotted with rope from a sailboat. But Jeffrey would send me back, like a dog back to the pound. So I’m stuck here with you, the Maraschino cherry-topped cocktail you’ve alarmingly poured into a hurricane glass and called “Jazz Fest,” leaving a sweat stain on me.
There are 2 types of people in the world: those who watch Sandra Lee to learn something, and those who watch Sandra Lee just for the entertainment and humor her incompetence so often provides. Personally, I watch her for the entertainment, because face it – you never know what crazy shit is gonna come out of her intoxicated mouth next.
This is why it pleases me to announce the Food Network has finally embraced and recognized Sandra Lee as the lush that she is. They gave her an entire page on their official website, just so she could teach us all how to get drunk – the Aunt Sandy way.
I know. Try to contain your excitement.
The page contains all sorts of goodies, including pop-up ads that will slow your web browser to a crawl. It also boasts the most Photoshopped photo of Sandra Lee I’ve ever seen in my life. Psst… Earth to the Food Network graphic artist, it’s probably time to step away from the smudge tool. Her face looks like it’s made of 4-year old fondant.
My favorite part of the page, though, has to be all the helpful tips it provides. Take the column on the right, for example, where Sandra reveals the 10 items every home bar needs. Glassware! And a bottle opener! Thank you, Sandra Lee! And to think, I’ve been sawing the tops off of my wine bottles all this time. What a revelation!
Seriously though, the webpage is just one huge ad for her newest book, Sandra Lee’s Semi-Homemade Cocktail Time. I don’t expect it to win any awards, except perhaps the “MOST UNNECESSARY USE” of “QUOTATION MARKS” on a “BOOK COVER.”
(Thanks for the tip, Artie and Jenna!)
By popular request, here’s a ghost from Christmas past: Sandra Lee’s infamous cocktail tree! She boasts, “Of all the trees I have ever created, this is my very favorite one.” You don’t say, Sandra. You don’t say.
You’re looking at a Christmas tree, with RED FUZZY BRANCHES that have been embellished with red silk flowers and glittery gold music notes. This clearly begs the question: IS THIS SANDRA LEE’S UGLIEST TREE EVER? Discuss amongst yourselves.
(from Saturday’s episode of Sandra Lee Celebrates on HGTV)
A few weeks ago, an FNH tipster suggested I start reading Sandra Lee recipe reviews just for their sheer entertainment value. And boy, was he right. Some of the comments from jilted, bitter home cooks were laugh out loud hysterical, and should be highlighted and shared with as many people as possible.
And so, without further ado, here is a brief compilation of the funniest negative Sandra Lee recipe reviews on the Food Network’s official website:
On Sandra’s Fried Cheese Ravioli
“My husband is Italian! I made this for our anniversary and am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t divorce me. They were greasy and tasteless and what few of them he ate sat like lead in his tummy (or so he said). Please pray for our marriage.” -MrsDocChuck
On Sandra’s Fiesta Fondue
“It was like there was a party in my mouth and everyone was throwing up.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Pork Kebobs with Red Grape Sauce
“I tried it her way and then I made it with equal parts ranch dressing and catalina dressing. Both were nasty. My boyfriend Earl gave his to the dog and the dog ran away! Thanks for nothing Snadra” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s cabbage slaw
“Takes the enamel off your teeth! I am assuming there are some serious mistakes in this recipe because it can’t have been intended to taste like that.” -Mary Irene
On Sandra’s Black Jack Lamb Rack
“The sauce looked and tasted like burned black tar. It was horrendous. The only way you could actually eat the [lamb] was to scrap all the sauce off and rinse the lamb chops off under running water.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Frosty Coconut Cocktail
“the coconut added nothing to this drink except a huge mess. I vacuumed my carpet four or five times before it all came up. Honey residue is still sticking to my good rug.” -Henrietta
On Sandra’s Prosciutto Parmesan Biscuits
“Too salty!!! Dried my mouth.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s White Chocolate Cherry Martini
“It tasted allright at first, but then the white chocolate liqueur coagulated with the Grenadine and it was not pretty. Actually, it was disgusting and nobody could finish drinking it.” -Danae
On Sandra’s Grilled New York Strip with Chocolate Merlot Sauce
“I am at a loss for words to describe how incredibly bad the “chocolate merlot sauce” was. The steak was really funky tasting to begin with (by the way, a quarter cup of taco seasoning is twice as much as you need) but when you top it off with that nasty, nasty tasting sauce you have something truly horrifying.” -Anonymous; “The steak was ruined and the chocolate merlot sauce was hideous. It was better to pour on the driveway to fill in potholes, than to put on food.” -David
On Sandra’s Creepy Cookie Cake
“Cutting oreo cookies with kitchen scissors is impossible.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Oriental Pork Wrappers (?!?!)
“These are greasy, slimy and totally awful. They don’t taste remotely oriental.” -Myrrhanndah; “These look like entrails from a gutted and drained goat. Great for forecasting coming events – bad for dinner.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Life’s A Beach Cake
“my poor kids were excited then became disappionted on the first bite. Bless their hearts, even at ages 4 and 6 they have better excpectations of dessert than this.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Halibut Tacos with Fish Salsa
“I must admit I would never have thought of serving fish with allspice and taco seasoning and salsa and cole slaw and peaches. But there’s a good reason for that: this is disgusting.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Stained Glass Wreath Cookies
“Give me a break. This is not Sandra Lee’s anything. This has been done for years and years. It shouldn’t be one of Food Networks 12 featured holiday cookie recipes. It’s not a cookie recipe, it’s a chilcren’s craft project. Anyone who jams a piece of candy onto a pre-made cookie dough and puts it in the oven does not get to say they baked a new recipe. I can promise you that Sandra Lee isn’t decorating her tree with these or allowing her chefs, caterers or whoever actually prepares food in her house to serve them to any of her guests.” -Shel
On Sandra’s Grilled Trout Ciabatta
“It didn’t even taste right. the combination of the ingredients were a really bad idea. I’m sorry but that was like the worse thing i have ever eaten! I can never eat trout again!” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s No-Bake Fruit and Cheesecake Parfaits
“Me and my kids made this desert this afternoon and it was a mess. Nothing set and it smelled so bad my daughter got the dry heaves. I didn’t have no melk to make this desert, so I used powdered instead and that made it even worse. This is not a good recipe for poor people. ” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s No-Bake Daffodil Cake
“Are you kidding me??? If one of the contestants on “The Next Food Network Star” tried to come out with this recipe, the judging panel would kick them out of the contest so fast their head would spin! I honestly am embarrassed for Food Network and Sandra Lee that they aired this. ” -Allison
On Sandra’s Zesty Rice Salad
“OMG was this terrible. Had no taste whatsoever. Whoever named this recipe had a clever sense of humor. ” -Mary Irene
On Sandra’s SL Spaghetti
“This was disasterous. The worst sauce ever. The garlic was way too overpoering and unpleasant to bite into. The mushrooms didn’t cook through either. I followed the recipe exactly. What’s the point of creating a recipe like this if you have to tweak it on your own. I could just create my on gussied up jarred sauce if that was the case. This was bad. It should have a warning label.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Chinese Braised Short Ribs
“I won’t be making THIS again!! Took a week to get the incredible odor out of the house!” -Anonymous; “These ribs tasted terrible! I can’t get the taste of that 5 spice powder out of my mouth. My husband nearly divorced me over these.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Provence Style Chicken Breast Fillets (WITH LEMONADE CONCENTRATE)
“The only thing that got fed the night I made this was the garbage disposal.” -Jeanne
On Sandra’s Szechwan Crispy Beef
“If you love your family, leave this one alone.” -Anonymous
Yikes! We all know Aunt Sandy loves her cocktail hour, but come on. Maybe she should just stop writing recipes after that fourth Watermelon Spritzy, eh?
(Thanks for the post idea, Andy!)
While scouring the Food Network’s website for the funniest Sandra Lee recipe reviews (stay tuned, post coming later this week), I stumbled upon Sandra’s Cruisin’ Cooler cocktail. The show description says the beverage is “driver-friendly” but the recipe calls for vodka:
On what planet is VODKA a driver-friendly beverage? This woman is out of her mind. The fact that the recipe only calls for a “splash” of vodka is no justification, either.
“But officer! It was just a SPLASH of vodka. You can’t arrest me! Sandra Lee said it was driver friendly!”
If I had to pick my biggest pop culture pet peeve, it would be corny celebrity couple nicknames. It’s true. The words Brangelina, Tomcat, and Bennifer send a bigger shiver down my spine than Zelda from the movie Pet Semetary.
Having said that, it is with a heavy heart that I let you all know the New York Post’s Page Six column is now oh-so cleverly referring to Sandra Lee and her boyfriend Andrew Cuomo as… SANDREW.
Yes, Sandrew. Couldn’t you just throw up in your mouth a little bit? As bad as it is, Will on Twitter said it best: “Still, its better than having to see SandraCum.”
Even worse, the magazine dubbed them “the new political it couple.” Hey, Page Six, I’ll take some of whatever the hell you’re smoking. These two certainly aren’t the “it” couple. They’re the “odd” couple.
Personally, I would have rather seen them referred to as SEMI CUO-MADE. But that’s just me.
And now, FNH presents
a brief photo recap of…
Sandra Lee kicked off the first of four holiday-themed episodes on HGTV tonight by throwing a party at the Sobiloff residence in New Jersey. The Sobiloffs wanted to do something special for their daughter Christina, who was coming home for the holidays after spending 2 years with the Peace Corps in Africa.
As it turns out, not only are the Sobiloff’s proud of their daughter, but they’re also the proud owners of the ugliest wallpaper and the most grandmotherly furniture this side of the Mississippi.
Within moments of arriving at the house, things got serious when party planner extraordinaire Sandra Lee whipped out her pro pack of colored pencils and started doodling tablescape ideas on a piece of paper:
After a few minutes, she stopped scribbling and shared her incredibly professional-looking masterpiece with the Sobiloffs. (Heads up, David Bromstad. There’s some competition on the horizon!)
At this point, I began to panic. Was Sandra Lee going to make the Sobiloffs a red velvet wheelchair ramp with red squiggles and “bitch logs” on top?! I’d have to wait to find out, because it was early in the episode and Sandra Lee still had plenty of other ugly crafts to create.
