Just when I thought I’d seen all there was to see in the world of lame Food Network apparel, THIS t-shirt reared its ugly little head. Lock your doors, Tyler. Lock your doors.

You’re looking at a custom made “I Love Tyler Florence” t-shirt, made by a Twitter user named JustWonderingIf. The @ symbol in the middle is a nod to Tyler’s Twitter account, and the diarrhea-colored circles on the bottom represent the number of times Tyler says “off the charts” every minute.

The t-shirt creator only made one shirt, and it’s not being sold in stores or online. And might I say THANK GOD. It’s one thing to like Tyler and to think it’s cute, but it’s totally another to be so moved by him that you feel the need to declare your unwavering love for his Twitter account on your chest. Unless you’re the 4 year old offspring of Tyler Florence, or someone he once rescued from a burning building, you really have no business wearing this shirt.

Maybe you’re one of the Tyler fans out there saying, “Oh come on. This t-shirt isn’t that bad.” Perhaps you’ll find this a little scarier: a Twitter user by the name of  CookinNana purchased a “Don’t wake me, I’m dreaming about Tyler Florence” pillowcase from eBay. No such pillowcases are on eBay now, but the fact that such a horror once existed shakes me to my very core.

<Begin miniature non-food related rant>
I’ve never understood the public’s ridiculous obsession with celebrities. I know several of them, and I can tell you they’re all flawed people just like you and I, but with one major exception: they’re used to people fawning over them. Telling a celebrity “I LOVE YOU” is just like telling them “THE SKY IS BLUE.” Of course they appreciate their fans, but after awhile, the adoration just becomes part of their daily routine and it stops having any sort of impact on them. They think absolutely nothing of it. Having said that, I’d like to take this opportunity to send a quick note to the people out there making Tyler Florence t-shirts and Tyler Florence pillowcases: You don’t “love” Tyler Florence. You’ve never even met him. You’ve simply developed an attachment to him while watching him prepare lamb chops on TV. Unfortunately, that attachment seems to have developed into an abnormal parasocial relationship, which is manifesting itself as the unhealthy obsession with him that you’re mistakenly calling “love.” (And by the way, t-shirt creator, you’re married. If you’re into homemade t-shirts, shouldn’t you be wearing one with your husband’s name on it?)
<End miniature non-food related rant>

This week, Tyler Florence t-shirts and pillowcases. Next week, his used tissues and toilet paper on eBay. It’s a slippery slope!

I TASTE DEAD PEOPLE!

Earlier today, Tyler Florence was back on Twitter with another installment of his Twitlish cooking school. This week, he taught us all how to prepare Amaretto Chocolate Brownies with a lovely, DECEDENT flavor.

A quick vocabulary lesson, courtesy of FNH and Dictionary.com:

Ew, Tyler. Really? Decadent brownies I could handle, but I’m not down with tasting the dead.

(Remind me to have Tyler cater my next Halloween party.)

Last week, I put Tyler Florence on blast for confusing the words PATIENCE and PATIENTS.  I’m proud to announce that since then, Tyler has learned how to distinguish between the two words, and how to properly thank people for their PATIENCE:

Way to be able to laugh at yourself, T-Flo! Two thumbs way up for having a sense of humor about it!

New from the Twitterverse:  Chef Tyler Florence will soon be launching a “Twitter cooking school.”

(We don’t have a clue what that means either, but as soon as we figure it out we’ll let you know.)

Tyler just sent out the following message, thanking everyone for their “patients” while he worked out the details. Patients? Is he launching the cooking school from his local hospital?

That’s “off the chain” embarrassing. Maybe he should be launching a Twitter spelling school instead?