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Aarti Army, rejoice! Your messiah already has “a plan” on how she’s going to flood the market with a bunch of crap with her face on it – or so she cockily said in a recent interview with the Houston Chronicle:

We’re sure you do, Aarti. We’re sure you do. Thanks for yet another reminder that selling shit is what Next Food Network Star – and Food Network in general – is all about. Personally, I just love the word “baby” thrown in there, too. It adds the perfect amount of calculated arrogance, don’t you think?

We thought we’d help Aarti out by coming up with a few products she could easily put her name on when Fogelson is ready to kick her “plan” into action:

You don’t have to be a hardcore Food Network watcher to notice some of these hosts use the same lingo over. And over. And over. AND OVER. Take a look at our top 5 biggest offenders:

Ina Garten: queen of hydrangeas, denim shents, and OVERUSED PHRASES. We love you, Ina, but it’s time to “turn up the volume” on your vocabulary. If I have to hear you mention good ingredients, or if you ask me “how easy is that” one more time, I’m going to turn… THE CHANNEL.

Giada De Laurentiis loves three things: over-enunciating Italian words, zesting lemons, and bastardizing the word “perfect.” Everything is perfect! The fish came out perfect! The amount of salt she added was perfect! Her olive oil pouring technique was perfect! Okay, we get it, Giada, Everything is perfect! Now please do something imperfectly, because we’re all going insane.

The first year Paula stepped on the Food Network scene, her southern “y’all” was adorable. By the third year, it was older than Dick Clark. And now, in year 8, it is INTOLERABLE. I have a lot of friends who live in the south, and not one of them says Y’ALL twelve times a minute like Paula does. She’s laying it on way too thick, and it’s coming across as sickeningly fake. Earth to Paula: Hop into a crock pot and simmer down now. We know you’re from Georgia. Give it a freakin’ rest.

Love ‘em or hate ‘em, Food Network husbands have become a permanent fixture on the Food Network. Jeffrey’s always sneaking bites of Ina’s food, Michael Groover’s constantly in the corner incoherently mumbling things to Paula Deen, and Rachael Ray can’t even blow her nose without the camera panning to Cusimano’s commentary about it. For a channel that’s supposed to be about food about cooking, it’s totally ridiculous, and these spousal appearances have gotten completely out of hand over the past year or so.

We’ve been inundated with e-mails lately, not just about Aarti, but about her husband as well. As many of you may know, the two of them spent years posting videos of themselves on YouTube in an attempt to be “discovered.” And after watching some of the videos FNH readers told us to check out, we have to say that as annoying as Groover and Cusimano can be, they’re nothing compared to Brendan McNamara, Aarti’s husband – er, excuse me, “husby” as she calls him. Brendan, part-time actor and full time vagabond, conveniently just uploaded “actor reels” on YouTube in an attempt to capitalize on Aarti’s popularity… just a week before she was announced as the NFNS winner! Imagine that! Here’s a snapshot from YouTube. Oh and please note his desperate desire to “get his sweet ass on Saturday Night Live.”

Brad from Austin told us to watch this video of Aarti and Brendan wishing her dad a happy birthday, and said it was just one of many examples of HUSBY acting like a “creepy, self-indulgent, limelight-seeking mediawhore.” Oh Brad. Is it really that bad?

Brad, you’re right. It was that bad. Even when HUSBY got up to let Aarti speak to her dad, he didn’t leave. He stood in the background dancing and making “I gotta go potty” faces. What the hell is wrong with this guy? And how long has it been since his last shower?

And if you have the stomach for it, try sitting through one of his Christian Bible study videos. I’d like to go on record as saying this behavior DOES NOT SEEM NORMAL.

YIKES. We realize it’s early, but we can already see the writing on the wall and would like to crown this guy the “MOST OBNOXIOUS FOOD NETWORK SPOUSE OF 2010.” Because face it: it’s only a matter of time before he starts worming his way onto the Food Network.

That means great news for you, Cusimano! You’re safe until 2011!

FNH reader Jason was shopping at Verizon when he saw THIS written on a dummy display phone:

A dummy text convo between “Greg Stark” and someone named “Aarti?” Wow. Is Verizon drinking the Next Food Network Star Kool-Aid or what? And why are they talking about the weather? If they were going to use her name, at LEAST they could have come up with a more honest conversation:

What do you get when you mix an unjustifiably overly-hyped show and a host with an accent that waivers in and out with a sprinkle of of cardamom and a logo that looks like it was created for the Juno sequel? Why, it’s an episode of Aarti Party, of course!

On the premiere episode, Aarti threw a totally fake party for her totally fake friends who never even bothered to stop by. Maybe they were busy. Maybe they were scared of her creepy-looking husband. We may never know. But here’s the thing: Aarti Party wasn’t good. It wasn’t bad. It wasn’t interesting or enlightening or fun or awful or wretched. IT WAS JUST TERRIBLY BORING. Ten minutes of the show felt like 10 hours, and by the 15 minute mark, I literally felt like I had just chased down a box of Benadryl with a bottle of cheap red wine.

Aarti held her own as a host, but yet still managed to be incredibly annoying. She spent her half hour sprinkling seasonings on things and condescendingly talking to the audience,  two must-have skills for all Food Network hosts. “Sugar is sweet,” she exclaimed, like she was talking to an audience that just arrived here from Planet Clueless. “And you can dip your fruit in your vinaigrette to taste it!” Wow, really Aarti? And to think all this time I’ve just been awkwardly sticking my whole fist in!

(This just in: lemons are sour! That’s a revelation! Quick, somebody call Fox News!)