[These celebrity chef dog foods were created and illustrated by the insanely talented 14, who blogs over at Gallery Of The Absurd. We are currently collaborating on part 2 of the series, so stay tuned!]

Rachael Ray has planted the seed of what is sure to be the next big thing for celebrity chefs. Rach’s dog food “Nutrish” is full of “real meat and veggies” with just a “dash of EVOO”. Hey, sounds better than some of the recipes for her human food!

She’s giving a portion of Nutrish sales to pet charities, so I can’t tease her too much about it. However… because celebrity chefs can’t seem to get enough of hawking books, magazines, endorsements and branded items such as condiments, kitchen bobble heads, cookware, and deep fryers, we can be fairly certain other big name chefs will announce their own brands of dog food. A sampling:

Mario Batali will offer a premium dog food “inspired” by the flavors of Italy.

Hell’s Kitchen chef Gordon Ramsay will further cash in on his draconian image by offering a branded premium canine cuisine aimed at aggressive breeds such as Dobermans, German Shepards and Chihuahuas.

Paula Deen just cain’t help herself y’aaaaaal. She’ll debut a dawg fewd inspired by her down home Southern cookin’ and will include such tasty vittles as Bubba’s Country Fried Steak and savory Sausage Pie.

It’s only a matter of time, you just wait and see.

[Originally blogged on Gallery Of The Absurd - May, 2008. Written by 14. Part 2 will be coming soon.]

[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Welcome back to Top Chef Bastards! Today, three contestants get to pack their can openers and head back to New York’s Chelsea Market…wait…except for Rocco DiSpirito, who can go back to skulking down 22nd Street, cursing the day he met his good buddy mortal enemy former financier, Jeffrey Chodorow, opened a Restaurant together, and sealed his fate as whipping boy to foodies the world over, including this week’s guest judge, Anthony Bourdain. And of course, theminx.

After Sandra Lee pulls a surprising win in the Quickfire Challenge, the competitors realize they have to bring their “A-Game.” Even Guy leaves the flaming bowling shirt at home and breaks out the chef’s whites.

Host Kelly Choi, badly in need of a cheeseburger or three, joins the competitors in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen and presents their next challenge.

Since the 82nd annual Academy Awards aired last night, we thought it would be appropriate to reflect on the past year and give out some awards to a few of the best and worst Food Network “stars” as well. We’re proud to present the recipients of the 2nd Annual Food Network Oscar Awards:

FNH proudly presents:

THE INTERNET’S LARGEST FOOD NETWORK DRINKING GAME!
“One drink” means “one sip” of whatever beverage you’re drinking. This is a work of satire, so play responsibly and have fun!

1 drink if Ina Garten is wearing her denim shirt. 2 drinks if she’s wearing her black shirt. Bonus drink if the collar is popped.

1 drink if Ina Garten is making food for a dinner party. 2 drinks if at least one of them is gay. 5 drinks if none of them are named Steven.

1 drink every time Ina asks a stupid rhetorical question (example: “How bad can that be?” or “How easy is that?”)

1 drink whenever Ina refers to any ingredient as “GOOD.”

Drink continually throughout each Ina Garten giggle session.

2 drinks every time Ina takes her Mercedes out for a spin.

1 drink if Ina uses a “secret ingredient” to bring out a recipe’s flavor. Bonus drink if she mentions “turning the volume up.”

3 drinks every time Ina mentions “chicken” and “Jeffrey” in the same sentence.

1 drink each time a song that sounds like the Weather Channel local forecast music comes on Barefoot Contessa.

1 drink whenever hydrangeas are used as a centerpiece.

1 drink if Ina “air kisses” a friend on both cheeks.

1 drink every time Giada does the claw hand movement next to her face (usually indicating “creamy” but sometimes “crunchy”).

1 drink whenever Giada pauses to smile at the camera out of nowhere.

2 drinks whenever Aunt Raffi shows up. 3 drinks if her cleavage is more visible than Giada’s.

1 drink for every lemon Giada zests.

1 drink every time Giada says “perfect!”

2 drinks every time Giada says “and thennnnnnnnn…” in that sing-songy voice.

1 drink whenever Giada over-enunciates an Italian word.

3 drinks if Giada’s husband Todd shows up looking bored out of his mind.

1 drink if there’s an up-close shot of Giada ripping open a clove of garlic.

1 drink every time Giada says something is “nice and crispy on the outside and soft and chewy on the inside.”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “flavorful.” 1 extra drink if she uses the word “delicious” in the same sentence.”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee takes a drink.

Drink continually while Sandra Lee adds “just a little vodka” to that cocktail.

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says, “and can I just tell you . . .”

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “I can not WAIT for you to try this.”

2 drinks if Sandra’s shirt is the same color as her Kitchen-Aid stand mixer.

1 drink if you can spot an actual plate on one of Sandra’s tablescapes.

1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “super simple.” 2 drinks if she says the word “super” twice (”SUPER SUPER SIMPLE!”)

1 drink every time Sandra uses Cool Whip. 2 drinks if she adds extract or food coloring to it.

1 drink every time Sandra opens a seasoning packet and tells you it contains “all sorts of great flavors.”

4 drinks if Sandra’s making one of her No-Bake Love Cakes (or puts store-bought cupcakes or cookies on a store-bought cake).

[Ed. note: Top Chef Bastards is a fictional Top Chef parody, created and written by theminx of MinxEats.com.]

Cue theme music! Roll opening credits! It’s Top Chef Bastards: Part I!
Starring:

Welcome to the first episode of Top Chef Bastards, a competition in which any loser with a television show on the Food Network can demonstrate to the world that he or she really can cook – or not – while competing for a cash donation to the charity of their choice, plus a lifetime supply of GLAD® Force-Flex® and OdorShield® Trash Bags in the yummy “Fresh Vanilla” scent.

This week, four competitors meet in the Top Chef Bastards Glad GE Swanson Quaker Oats Macy’s Product Placement Kitchen: Rachael Ray, Guy Fieri, Sandra Lee, and Rocco DiSpirito.

Guy is one excited dude, ready to slather hot sauce on everything in sight.

We here at FNH have tasked ourselves with putting together the internet’s largest Food Network Drinking Game – and we want your suggestions! The goal? At least 5 drink rules for every single show on the Food Network.

A few FNH readers have already gotten us off to a great start:

-1 drink every time Sandra Lee says “flavorful.”  1 extra drink if she uses “delicious” in the same sentence.”

-1 drink every time Giada does the claw hand movement next to her face (usually indicating “creamy” but sometimes “crunchy”).

-1 drink every time Bobby Flay loses a throwdown…1 bonus drink if he’s insulted in the process by his competitor.

-1 drink every time a Chopped chef violates health codes (bleeding into the food, reusing a tasting spoon, etc.).  2 bonus drinks if the judges eat it anyway.

-2 drinks every time Ina puts fruit in dessert.

-3 drinks every time Paula Deen invites a woman on the show to fix up her son (whichever the single one is – who knows the difference?).

-Sara, from the University of Chicago Booth School of Business

-1 drink every time Rachael Ray says “sammies”

-1 drink every time Paula Deen says “y’all”

-1 drink for each tablespoon of butter used by Paula Deen (that’s 8 drinks per stick of butter, y’all)

-1 drink every time Alton Brown chooses a multi-tasker over a uni-tasker

-1 drink every time Alton Brown makes a recipe you’ll never be able to replicate

-1 drink every time Sandra Lee takes a drink

-Drink continually while Sandra Lee adds “just a little tequila” to that cocktail

-1 drink if Ina Garten is wearing her denim shirt

-2 drinks if Ina Garten is wearing a black shirt

-1 drink if Ina Garten is making food for a dinner party of her gay friends

-5 drinks if none of them are named Steven

-1 drink if you have no idea who the hell the person with this new TV show is

-1 drink every time Robert Irvine yells at someone

-Go drink a glass of water if you’re playing this game while Emeril is on

-1 drink if it looks like Bobby Flay forgot his sunscreen

-Dani D. from Hanover

Leave your suggestions in the comments section – and we’ll post the final results some time next week!

You think you know your Food Network stars? Prove it! Can you figure out which personality is serving up these beef skewers?

IS IT:
A) Sandra Lee
B) Rachael Ray
C) Melissa d’Arabian
D) Giada De Laurentiis
E) Claire Robinson

Find out the answer after the jump!

(from People magazine, October 2009)

Extra! Extra! Read all about it! Melissa d’Arabian and Brian Boitano like PIGGING OUT ON PORK! (Cue hearty belly laugh from your inner 5 year old.)

Call me crazy, but I have absolutely no interest in finding out how Melissa d’Arabian plans on getting “creative” with Brian Boitano’s “other white meat.” Ewwwww.

In a slightly related story, new episodes of What Would Brian Boitano Make will be starting up next month. Let the fun – and glitter – begin.

(Thanks for the tip, Faron!)

This May, Scripps will be replacing the Fine Living Network with their brand new Cooking Channel. According to the New York Times, the Cooking Channel (which should really be called the “Same Ol’ Shit” channel) will air “programs about alcoholic beverages, brunch, low-calorie eating, and food history.” It will also feature rehashed shows starring Rachael Ray, Bobby Flay, and other Food Network personalities:

Ms. Ray, the celebrity chef turned talk show host, will headline “A Week in a Day,” a one-hour show about stocking up on the week’s meals. Mr. Flay will be the host of a half-hour show, “Brunch With Bobby.” Emeril Lagasse will present “Fresh Food Fast,” a show that focuses on organic and locally grown ingredients. The channel is also importing several hosts from Food Network Canada, including Chuck Hughes, Roger Mooking and Laura Calder.

Those sound delightful and all, but these are the
top 5 shows I’d love to see on the new Cooking Channel:

1) WHAT’S MORE FLAMMABLE?
Each week, scientists and arsonists work together to determine if Guy Fieri’s hair is more flammable than a random mystery object.

2) RHYME TIME
Ordinary people on the street are offered big bucks if they can quickly think of a word that rhymes with GUARNASCHELLI.

3) GAYS OF OUR LIVES
Watch all the drama unfold as Ina Garten hosts and cooks for a new dinner party each week.

4) IT’S DARK DOWN THERE
Giada accompanies spelunkers and adventurists and uses the reflective light from her teeth to illuminate otherwise dark, impenetrable passages.

5) PITCH IT TO PAULA
Follow Paula Deen’s adventures as she finds more crappy products to endorse in this greedy, high stakes world of culinary moneymaking.

Beau MacMillan, co-star of (ahem) Worst Cook in America, was arrested Sunday night in Scottsdale. The Food Network “chef” was pulled over for making a traffic violation. Upon entering MacMillan’s name into the police data-base, it was discovered that he had an outstanding warrant for his arrest for failing to appear in court.

MacMillan’s court date was set after he ditched out on a speeding ticket issued by one of Arizona’s robo-cop photo-radar machines. Silly Beau, mugshots are for Nick Nolte and Lindsay Lohan … not Food Network Stars. Hmm, or are they?