Food Network Humor » General: Food Network

15 Food Network SAT Questions

Jillian Madison — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 15:15:17 +0000

Kids across America are studying hard for their SAT tests! Here are a few Food Network-related questions that reportedly might make their way onto the exam this year:

1) Ina Garten needs to drive from Sag Harbor to Southampton for some good vanilla, and plans on stopping for 4 hours to visit some of her gay friends. The distance between the 2 towns is 15 miles. She will take her Mercedes, which can only travel 15 miles per hour for the first 7 miles of the trip because Critical Mass is cycling through town and clogging up the roads. For the rest of the trip, her Mercedes can go 40 miles per hour. How long will the trip take?

2) Noah Starr asks Aida 12 questions. She knows the answer to one of them. What percentage of questions does Aida have to bullshit the answers to?

3) Hypothetically, say Sunny Anderson has 4 pounds of marijuana. If she sells 1 pound to Antonio for $1400 and 2 ounces to Sasha for $120 per ounce, what is the street value of the rest of her hold?

4) On this week’s episode of Money Saving Meals, Sandra Lee saved $.53 by purchasing a store brand. She then spent $153 on hair/make-up products, $260 on her wardrobe, and $824 on matching tchotchkes. And after dinner, everyone was still starving because her portions were tiny. Exactly how big of an idiot is Sandra Lee?

5) Anne Burrell needs 72 bottles of hairspray before filming. Each DuaneReade in NYC only has 4 bottles, and she only has time to go to 2 locations because it’s rush hour and there are assholes everywhere. Exactly how limp will her hair be?

6) As people looked on in horror, Guy Fieri ate 67 donuts at a neighborhood dive. There were only 4 donuts left for the rest of the patrons. What percentage of the dive’s donuts did Guy shove into his big fat mouth?

7) Aaron McCargo is taller than Duff Goldman. Ree Drummond is shorter than Duff Goldman, but she’s not the tallest Food Network host. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.

8) On her official website, Paula Deen sells bedazzled eyeglasses for $25, pink Hey Y’all watches for $80, and pewter measuring cups for $170. If she sells 14 pairs of glasses and 6 ugly watches, how many more overpriced measuring cups must she sell in order to buy a $15,000 Russian mail order bride for her unmarried son Bobby?

9) Ina Garten has 582 items in her pantry. 426 of them are “good” items. What percentage of the ingredients are, in turn, total shit?

10) Food Network’s website has annoying pop-up ads. If you get 4 pop-ups per page, and you visit 3 pages each day for 2 days in a row, how many more days until you just say “screw it it” and start visiting Recipezaar instead? (*Bonus: It took you 14 pages to find the recipe you were looking for. How many pop-up ads did you get, and how slowly is your computer running?)

11) Charm City Cakes needs to build a 3′x5′x8′ replica of a car. If they need 1/2 pound of fondant per square foot, calculate which employee should build the cake so Duff can just keep sitting around doing nothing.

12) Rachael Ray has 63 recipes for stoup, 51 recipes for burgers, and 46 recipes for Grandpa’s “Sunday Gravy”. If she only has 151 total recipes, how many times will she have to say “yummo” or “delish” to make us forget that she has totally run out of ideas?

13) The Neely’s are making breakfast for four people. They need 8 eggs, 10 pieces of bread and 12 sausage links. How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? (Written by Orchidgal)

14) Sara went to Target and bought a Giada de Laurentiis can opener for $14, a Giada de Laurentiis ladle for $15, and a Giada de Laurentiis coffee maker for $60. How many more dollars does Sara have to spend on Giada’s products before being labeled clinically insane?

15) Melisa d’Arabian ran out of frozen bacon, and needs to go to the store to get some. If she drives 40 mph, and the store is 20 minutes away, is Debbie Lee still Korean?

Semi-Homemade: Was That A Transgender?

Jillian Madison — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 14:15:41 +0000

The real story on this weekend’s episode of Semi-Homemade wasn’t Sandra’s tacky bird tablescape, or the way her eyes lit up at the sight of the unopened bottle of vanilla vodka. Oh no. The real story was Sonia Williams, the Semi-Homemaker who was invited on the show to share a recipe for O’Choco Cafe Cake (whatever the hell that is).

After the episode aired, several hundred FNH readers sent us emails and twitter messages asking us one thing: is Sonya Williams a transgender person?

Answer: WE HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.

Something was clearly amiss with her voice, and her hands definitely could never be mistaken for dainty. And what about that aqua turtleneck? Was it just an unfortunate fashion misstep, or a cleverly orchestrated mechanism to hide an Adam’s apple? And how about the awkward banter with Sandra Lee about her two children? Did she actually BIRTH these kids, or did she adopt them? Sadly, the world may never know.

A final note: I’m a big believer in equal rights for all people, and it bothered me to see how FAKE and condescending Sandra Lee was toward Sonya after she heard her speak and started wondering if she might be a man living as a woman. Sandra treated her like she was a leper whom she didn’t want to touch her for fear of catching something. The tension in the air was palpable, and the whole segment was one of the most awkward things I’ve seen on the Food Network in months.

Sonya, good luck to you, whoever you are. We do have one recommendation, though: next time, submit a recipe to Ina Garten instead.

Guy Fieri As Everyone

Jillian Madison — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:14:20 +0000

[Ed. note: This is what happens when you decide to photoshop Guy Fieri's eyes and mouth on other celebrity chefs. The results are truly hideous. ]

Google Auto-Suggestions For Food Network Chefs

Jillian Madison — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 14:26:19 +0000

If you use Google, you know about Auto-Suggest. As you type your query into the search box, Google guesses what you’re typing and offers suggestions in real time. The suggestions are based on the overall popularity of various searches.

So basically, Google Suggest offers hilarious insight as to what the majority of people are searching for on Google.

Here are a few Google Auto-Suggestions for our favorite Food Network chefs. I have to admit, some of them are quite accurate.

Dear Food Network, Your Website SUCKS. Love, EVERYONE.

Jillian Madison — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:22:18 +0000

NOTE: I wrote this article and originally posted it here on FNH on February 2, 2009. Here we are, almost 3 years later, and the Food Network still has one of the the shittiest websites on the face of the Earth. Every single complaint below is still valid, from the pop-under ads to the auto-start videos.

Dear Food Network,

In case you guys were too busy stocking Guy Fieri’s dressing room with Axe Body Spray to notice, YOUR WEBSITE SUCKS. Why did you update it with this rubbish when the old one was just fine? Didn’t you learn anything from Lisa Rinna’s lips? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!

Allow me to outline the problems for you:

1. Humongous, obnoxious videos on every page. That start automatically. And play 30-second ads first. Are we being punked? Not everybody has (or can afford) a fast internet connection, you geniuses. Did you guys all order some take-out Chinese and sit around a big round table during a meeting and come up with this great idea? Giggle at your cleverness in between bites of pork fried rice as you decided to piss off and alienate your loyal viewers, all in the name of making a few more bucks for your already full wallets? Way to go!

While the huge, monitor-sized videos are awful, the 30-second commercials that play before the actual content are INTOLERABLE. You know how to get me to NOT buy Truvia or Wheat Thins? By cramming them down my throat on every one of the 85 pages I have to click through while trying to find the recipe for Ina Garten’s buttermilk mashed potatoes.

I’ll take it a step further. As bad as the videos are, as painful as the 30-second commercials can be, the worst part is that the VIDEOS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THE PAGE I AM ON! Nothing at all! I click on an Anne Burrell link, and get a video about Food Network challenge. I click on an Alton Brown link, and get a video with Hungry Girl telling me how many calories I burn by eating celery. Like anyone gives a shit! Who built this website? Sandra Lee after an all-night Grey Goose and grapefruit juice binge?

2. ADVERTISING – EVERYWHERE. There’s the ad playing before the video. There’s the ad in the the top right corner. There are ads in the header and the footer. You guys aren’t happy with the $995 billion you made last year, fine. But a NETFLIX POPUNDER AD? Are you serious? That is so pathetic that it borders on laughable. What is this, a Geocities webpage? Popup ads are extremely irritating… sort of like accidentally brushing up against Ina Garten’s prickly, unshaven leg under the covers in the middle of the night. So come on, get with the times, Food Network. Popunders went out of style, along with Jessica Simpson, back in 2003.

3. PAINFULLY BAD LAYOUT, NAVIGATION, AND DESIGN. There is way too much going on. It’s like a foodie cornmaze from hell, with twists and turns that leave you frustrated and angry. Even a simple recipe search takes a minimum of 6 clicks, 4 shots of whiskey, and 2 Hail Mary’s.

Bottom line: the only thing I can easily find on FoodNetwork.com is a new reason to hate Rachael Ray.

So, here’s to hoping you pull your heads out of your bums, hire some decent chefs, and start calling professional web designers. Hell, take the money from Aaron McCargo’s budget if you have to. No one will even realize it’s missing.

Love and cheesecake,
EVERYONE ON THE EARTH.