Archives for "General: Food Network"

Never has there been a CD that makes you want to shake your ass like Get Down And Par-tay! It has all the songs you want, performed by all your favorite Food Network personalities! YEAH BABY! Take a look!

“If You’re A Drunk Ditz and You Know It, Clap Your Hands”
Sandra Lee

“There’s Genie In The Bottle With My Extract”
Sandra Lee (A Duet with Christina Aguilera)

“Old McDonald Had A Farm, And Then My Husband’s Rich Family Bought It”
Pioneer Woman

“Let’s Get It On (Against The Subzero-Wolf)”
The Neelys

“I Just Called To Say Your Hair Is Hideous”
Stevie Wonder, an ode to Guy Fieri

“That’s Amore (The Mozzarellahhhhh/Mascarponeeehh Song)”
Giada De Laurentiis

“I’ve Been Working On The Railroad (To See If I Can Cook A Turkey
Using Only Train Tracks And Rain Water)”
Alton Brown

“This Is What It Sounds Like When Doves Cry
(After Tasting Cookies Made With Applesauce Instead Of Butter)”
Paula Deen

“This Land Is Your Land (But Those Cupcakes Are Mine, K?)”
Anne Thornton

“The Food Coloring Rainbow Connection”
Sandra Lee and Kermit The Frog

“Mary Had A Little Lamb, Which I Slaughtered And Sauteed In Pure Lard”
Paula Deen

“Sittin’ On The Dock Of The Bay, Waitin’ For Jeffrey”
Ina Garten

AND THAT’S NOT ALL!
ACT NOW AND YOU’LL ALSO GET:

“90 Seconds of Squeaking Sounds”
A live recording from the Neely’s bedroom

“Damn It John, I Told You Not To Touch Me There”
A live recording from Rachael Ray and John Cusimano’s bedroom

“Ancient Ebonics”
A live recording from the set of Big Daddy’s Kitchen

“HAHAHAHAHA – Sorry, I Have To Wash My Hair That Night”
A live recording from the bar where Jamie and Bobby Deen try to pick up girls

PLUS 2 MORE!

If this isn’t one of the most ridiculous “RECIPES” on the Food Network’s website, I don’t know what is:

You’re looking at Michael Chiarello’s Old World Italian Fruit Bowl on Ice. No cooking, stirring, mixing, slicing, dicing, pouring, or measuring required! Just go to the store, buy fruit, and put it in a bowl! You don’t even have to prepare it for your guests. Make them do it themselves. Genius!

Sadly, Michael didn’t tackle the more difficult issues, like “what to do when your drunk dinner guest slices off a thumb whilst trying to peel their apple.” Maybe next time.

I have a great no-muss, no-fuss “RECIPE” too. It’s called Chinese Delivery. You pick up your phone, push some buttons, and then sit back and smile while the girl on the other end tells you “WILL BE THERE TEN MINUTES.” No knives or melting ice involved. Take that, Michael.

One of the questions I get asked most is, “Do Food Network hosts read this website? Do they love it or hate it?”

The answer is: OH HELL YES, THEY READ IT. Do they have the cojones to admit they read it – and that they often find it funny – is the real question.

I imagine most of the Food Network hosts sneak onto the site late at night, in the dark, behind the privacy of thick black curtains, snickering like schoolgirls at all the snarky (read: bluntly honest) things being said on this blog… swiftly escaping back to the light of day, keeping their forbidden enjoyment quieter than Paris Hilton on Trivia Night.

But not Melissa d’Arabian! She donated a hundred bucks to FNH last week and doesn’t care who knows. Do you know how much frozen bacon I could buy with that?

Yes, she has big teeth. Yes, she has 82 thousand children. Yes, she talks about France more than Gerard Depardieu. And yes, this blog has teased her about all of those things since she first stepped foot on Next Food Network Star. And do you know what? She didn’t get her panties in a wad. She laughed along with it the whole time. That’s awesome.

So thanks to Melissa (aka Mommy McBacon) for having a sense of humor, for reading this shitty blog, and for contributing to its cause.