[Ed. note: This is a new Sunday feature that will showcase our favorite FNH reader-submitted email of the last week. Enjoy!]

Dear FNH,

While watching Melissa D’Arabian this morning, I noticed her choice of cookware was a very interesting one – Demeyere. Regarded as some of the best of the best, Demeyere is Belgian-made and doesn’t come cheap. Demeyere pieces are easily distinguishable because the bolts typically securing the handles to a saucepan or skillet on the inside of the pieces are absent. Rather, they are welded to create a truly uninterrupted cooking experience. $10 Dinners my ass. It’s such a fallacy that a budget-centric FN show allow Ms. D’Arabian to indulge her primadonna cookware whimsies. Would someone please throw her some Anolon and get her to show us what a $10 Dinner might really feel like?

Sincerely,

David
(Former cookware store employee and proud owner of two Demeyere pieces he busted his 9-to-5 ass to earn)

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Well said, David. We completely agree. The hypocrisy is outrageous. Any host of a show called TEN DOLLAR DINNERS should be forced to use cheap-ass cookware, otherwise the whole thing feels like a put-on. If the producers really wanted Melissa reach an audience of people who are eating $10 dinners, her show would look a little more like this:

[Photos created and submitted by FNH reader Ricardo Cline]

[Ed. note: Most of the time, celebrities are completely clueless about the hoops fans have to jump through in order to meet them. Take Ashli for example, who recently wrote to FNH to share her frustrating story of simply trying to get a book signed by Alton Brown at a BJ's in Georgia last month. According to Ashli, when she finally did meet up with Alton, he cordially spoke with her - and then referred to the female dancers on Dancing With The Stars as "skinny ass bimbos." Oh Alton. You're such a bad ass.]

Hi FNH!

Last month, I went to an Alton Brown event. I took my “Good Eats: The Early Years” book with me for him to sign, but the stupid venue wouldn’t allow me in with it because I had not purchased it there. That pissed me off, but I took it back to my car and then went back in to get in line. However, I was then stopped and told I couldn’t go talk to Alton without having a book. By this point, I was livid, but I went to the book section of the store, picked up a copy of “I’m Just Here for the Food” and went up to the counter to purchase it. Then, the lady tells me that I can’t buy it because I don’t have a membership to the store (BJ’s Wholesale Club). Anyway, at this point, I completely lost it. I was not going to pay $50 for a membership to a store I’d never visit again, plus $25 for a book, when I already had a book for him to sign in my car! I couldn’t hold back my temper anymore and I gave that lady a piece of my mind. I guess she got the message because she then pulled out her own employee membership card and scanned it just so I could get my book.

Anyway, I finally got in line to talk to Alton. There were only about 30 people standing in it at this point (apparently other people were having similar issues to what I’d been having, but they chose to leave). As I got up to Alton and his people, I could hear them apologizing to people and complaining about how the store was running this event. They were making it clear that it wasn’t Alton’s fault of course. I was the last person in line and when I got up to Alton he still had about another hour or so to sit there and sign autographs. Anyway, since no other people were there at the moment, he actually took the time to talk to me. We talked about Mark Dacascos and his stint on “Dancing with the Stars”. Alton’s been asked twice to go on there, but he told me that he “didn’t want to dance with some skinny ass bimbo” and that if he were to go on there and win, he would “lose his status as a badass!” Then after speaking with me for a few moments and posing for a picture, he said, “Now be gone with you!”

Well, I just wanted to share my ridiculous Alton Brown experience with you. I’m including pics from the event. Feel free to use them if you want.

[Ashli, we're sorry you had such an awful experience. And Alton, we're sorry you had to stand in front of that stupid plastic sign and autograph books next to the feminine hygiene aisle.]

Since Food Network debuted Worst Cooks In America, we’ve been getting tons of emails from people asking us how to get on the show. And let me just tell you, SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. Join me on a brief journey through my inbox as I go over a few of my favorites, won’t you?

(As usual, my silent commentary will be in red.)

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hi my name is jeff i live st augustine fl and im a single parent my son is 13 and if you ask him I am the wost cook he wont eat my food its not good i think my food is good can I be on the show (Holy crap, Jeff. Take a breath and step away from the keyboard. No one cares that your 13 year old hates your food. He’s 13. He hates everything. So, no. You can’t be on the show. I suggest you instead go back to 2nd grade and learn how to use a period.)

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Hi Jill,
I wanted to enter my wife Marcia into the worst food cooking contest and wondered if there is a forum for this.  (There sure  is! It’s called FOODNETWORK.COM. Are you sure you’re from Harvard?)

She is an avid watcher of your shows (Oh! I have my own shows now! Cool!) and not a bad cook all the time but sometimes she can really cook up a doozie. (Right. But can she pretend she’s never held a knife in her life? If so, she’s a great candidate for the show!)

We always have a backup plan when she cooks…fyi. (Thank you for informing me. I will file that in my brain right next to the other things I don’t really give a shit about.)

Warmest regards and Happy New Year

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow Food Network Humor became THE premiere place for people to bitch about how much they hated the Paula Deen pies they purchased at Wal-Mart. I get several emails a day from Paula’s dissatisfied customers, like this lovely one from Rick. Now I don’t know much about Rick, other than he likes  fog, and he feels he could make a better pie than the gross one he got at Wal-Mart:

At this point, I’m hoping one of two things will happen:

1) Paula Deen will stop selling her soggy, nasty pies at Wal-Mart
or 2) People will stop e-mailing me about how much they hated her soggy, nasty pies from Wal-Mart

So this is my plea,  dear internet: stop telling me how much you hated your Paula Deen pies and go complain to her directly. I am completely powerless and can’t do anything to help you. Her website is PaulaDeen.com, or you can complain to her on Twitter by clicking here.

THANKS, Y’ALL!

Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Margaret wrote in saying:
I would like to have the recipe for the baked meatballs Giada prepared on the show with her Aunt Raffie(?). I do not care one fig about her Aunt’s plunging neckline, etc. just would like to have the recipe for the meatballs.
Oh Margaret, you poor dear. You don’t understand how the internet works, do you. Here, let me save you some time: I made those meatballs last month, and they were more disappointing than an episode of Lassie. I recommend you pay attention to Raffie’s boobs instead. The end result will be far more entertaining.

2. Kathleen wrote in asking:
Where can I buy shrimp and crab cake products in Salisbury, NC area?
Let this be a lesson to all of you bloggers: you make fun of Ina Garten’s shrimp and crab cakes ONCE, and suddenly you’re a food locator. Kathleen, darling, I understand this may be a bit of a stretch, but you might want to try looking for those food products AT YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE. And please, pick up some condoms while you’re there.

3. Lee wrote in saying:
I was trying to email Alton Brown but cant find how. (Psst: that usually happens when you’re trying to email A FAMOUS PERSON.) I am not proficient with this machine. (You don’t say!) I think Alton is so interesting with ALL the details he imparts. Thusly (people still say that?) i wonder if he could look at this set of cook books that i found. (I’m sure there’s NOTHING else he’d rather be doing with his time). How wonderful and historical they are. They are named Stories and reciepies (?!?!) of the Great depression of the 1930’s. (Wow, that sounds really uplifting.) i think they would make a great show. (Let’s air it around Christmas!)… Please respond.
You hear that, Alton Brown? Lee’s got some really great cookbooks for you. They’d make a great show!

4. Judy wrote in saying:
Since you guys have changed your menu, I can’t get on Ina Garten’s page, I’m trying to find her menu for the scrambled eggs, hash browns, mimosas, and corn muffins – how do I get to her page and print the recipe – or do you have to buy all her recipes?
Congratulations, Judy – that’s the longest run-on sentence in the history of Food Network Humor.

5. Dorothy wrote in saying:
Hi, I would like to have the Pastry Recipe that Melissa d’Arabian made in the cooking changle. (First, I would like to have a new car. We can’t always get what we want. Second, there’s no need to capitalize the letters P and R in that sentence. Third, and most importantly, the cooking CHANGLE??? Really? Is that run by Bob Tuschman too?) One of the pastry chefs that was at one of the cook off dinners said that was the best Pastry that he ever ate. (Reviews from Melissa’s father don’t count.) And it also did look good. (The movie Glitter looked good too, but we all know how that turned out.) Hope you know what I’m talking about and can get me the recipe. I would be so happy.
Sorry to disappoint you, Dorothy, but you’re not in Kansas anymore – and we’re certainly not the Food Network. But I am looking forward to checking out The Cooking Changle.

6. Rick wrote in saying:
Thank you for Claire Robinson and 5 ingredient fix – (Whoa. Bold? Underlined? Calm down there, Rick. She’s a cooking host, not the Dalai Lama.) what an adorable host and what a great show. Everything she fixes looks delicious – a lot of it, in fact, is delicious. I know first-hand. (How so? Do you hang out around the Food Network dumpsters?) I’m tempted by just about everything she makes and have made many her recipes. She is so engaging, smart, entertaining, VERY funny – just a blast to watch. You’ve got a real jewel on your hands.
LOCK YOUR DOORS, CLAIRE. LOCK YOUR DOORS.

7. Taylor wrote in saying:
Hello, I am a Culinary student at Mvctc in ohio. If Buddy Valastro reads this i would love for him to contact me back. (Right. Because Buddy Valastro reads emails sent to JILL@FOODNETWORKHUMOR.COM.) I am doing a bio or his life. (A bio OR his life? Sounds complicated.) Must be 800 words. (Buddy. Valastro. Makes. Cakes. Damn. Only 4 words. Good luck with the other 796.) It would just be fantastic if he could give me a call, or he could just simply email me back on my school email xxxxxxx@mvctc.com phone number- xxxx. Thanks!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY?

(Take a glimpse into my inbox box with this collection of actual e-mails I’ve received over the past few weeks. Some are informative, some are funny, and some are just plain crazy. As usual, my responses are in red. Enjoy!)

1. Aimee wrote in to let us know about a disturbing new trend: Sandra Lee is now invading the radio.
No place is safe now, it seems. I was driving in my car on the way to work at 2:30 PM this afternoon (you go into work at 2:30 pm? Can I have your job? Please?) and heard a commercial on the radio of Sandra Lee telling me to enjoy (responsibly) a cocktail with Smirnoff vodka! Better yet, it wasn’t just vodka, it was their new pre-made cocktails. (Pre-made cocktails? You mean people over the age of 17 drink those?) As we all know, Sandra is about making her cocktails asap! I recommend bringing your mp3 player in the car just to be safe. (Girl, please. I never leave home without my ipod. But thanks for the heads up!)

2. Thankfully, Nancy wrote in with the 911 on Rachael Ray’s eyebrows:
Love your site and have been an avid reader for only about two months. I was on a Xanax when I saw this yesterday but honestly I watched the rest of the show to make sure I wasn’t seeing things. On the 30 Minute show called ‘Pocket Change’ Rachael Ray’s eyebrows were out of alignment. Her left one was way overdone, penciled a dark brown almost Divine-like shape, and her right one was normal color, normal sized. Creep-show! (Thank you, Nancy, for that drug-induced interpretation of Rachael Ray’s left brow. I’m almost afraid to ask what you saw when you tuned into Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives.)

3. Ryan wrote in with a hilarious story about his experience at a Paula Deen book signing on Long Island:
The event was last night, and was one of the worst events I’ve attended. I got to the bookstore 90 minutes early, only to discover the store crawling with overweight seniors. There was literally a section for Jazzy scooters to line up. (I believe the term I’m looking for here is “LMFAO.”) I asked one of the workers for a basic summary of the event. Paula would be speaking for “20 or 30 minutes” and then leaving. No pictures, no Q&A as advertised. And her “pre-signed” books were not hand signed by her, they came pre-printed with her signature on the first page. It’s amazing how many people would spent $30 for a cookbook on how to make crappy lunches. Keep up the great site! (Mental note: bring Jazzy scooter to next Paula Deen book signing event…)

4. Marlon is a Top Chef fan:
I just want to say that somehow I came across your website, and I find it soooo damn funny! I like watching the Food Network, but your site usually makes my day even better.  Anyways, I noticed you have comments on the Top Chef Las Vegas sometimes.  That one douche Michael looks so much like the donkey from Shrek, I would just love if you did something with that.  Keep up the good work! (It’s the teeth, Marlon. See exhibit A below.)

5. Snoopy wrote us after watching an episode of Secrets Of A Restaurant Chef:
I caught an episode of Anne Burrell cooking on her show, she was making chicken pot pie. I will never watch again and would never dream of going to her restaurant. She used the same spoon no less then 3 times to taste the dish she was making. It was disgusting to watch. That type of mistake should have been caught by the director, who obviously does not know what they are doing. (Secret ingredient: SALIVA!)

6. Denis wrote in after watching an episode of The Naughty Chef:
Why is the oxygen  channel bringing  this abomination  to the world?! The star “CHEF” whatever her name is (Her real name is Blythe Beck, but her Indian name is Dances With Blazing Pink Chefs Jacket) looks like she ate everything in her pantry plus she has an annoying loud mouth attitude… I’ve lost all hope for the culinary world. (The show is horrid! As in, “worse than Ten Dollar Dinners” horrid.)

7. Mike wanted to let us all know what an idiot Robert Irvine is:
Robert Irvine, on the episode of “Dinner: Impossible”, in which he fails a mission at spoiled brat Dylan Lauren’s Candy shop, WRITES the words “Expresso beans” on his menu board, and pronounces it (along with a sous chef) incorrectly several times.  Talk about pathetic!  I don’t have access to the clip online, but I had to vent to someone.  It’s espresso, people! The man’s allegedly a “world famous” chef?

8. Chris knows more about late-night infomercials than we do:
tell me you’ve heard of robin miller doing a informercial for a magic bullet style product called the ~ninja~. (The ninja? Does it come with nunchucks? If not, I’m not interested.) figured i’d let u know, just in case u catch it. (That was very thoughtful of you, Chris.)

9. Michelle noticed something funny while watching Ace Of Cakes:
You know you’re reeeeaaaallly sick when you leave Ace of Cakes on because you don’t have the energy to go get the remote that you left across the room. (Wow, she must be really sick. Somebody send this woman a fondant-free Edible Arrangement ASAP). With that in mind, am I the only one who noticed that yesterday on AoC, two of the sponsors were constipation meds?  Guess that’s what happens when you eat too much “gummy paste”. (HI-LAR-IOUS)

10. And finally, Lizz was wondering if anyone would be interested in a butt massage from Paula Deen:

We get a lot of interesting mail here on FNH. We usually post a collection of them every few weeks to give you a little glimpse into our world, but this correspondence was so special… so endearing… that we felt it deserved its own post.

Back story: A few weeks ago, Paula Deen was busy getting ready to launch her own line of baked goods at Wal-Mart. Apparently, the Deen train moves fast, because not only have the new products hit stores, but people have already become horrified by their awfulness.

That brings us to this email. A woman named Jules bought one of Paula’s signature pies and was so disgusted by it, she ran to her computer and wrote this charming, well crafted e-mail to the first person she could find. Apparently, that was me:

i had bought a crunchy apple pie from walmarton saturdaysept 19 th. for $ 7.50 it was the worse tasting,mushy bottom,not a crunch to it pie, i have ever eaten.i have been a chef for over 30 years now retired.i never thought of myself being a baker. butttt come on your name is on the product. sorry.

Though I’d never heard of a store called “walmarton”, and usually don’t reply to these e-mails, this time I couldn’t resist:

Hi Jules,
Was this a Paula Deen crunchy apple pie you’re talking about? What was wrong with it?

Two minutes later, I received this more in-depth reply. Apparently I angered her, because she started writing IN ALL CAPS:

yes it was a PAULA DEEN CRUNCHY APPLE PIE. IT WAS UNDER COOKED BOTTOM AND ALTHROUGH THE PIE WAS DOUGHY. I THOUGHT IT WAS A PAR BAKED PIE, I LOOKED ON PLASTIC TOP TO MAKE SURE IT WASN’T A PAR BAKED THATS HOW RAW THE DOUGH WAS.I THROUGH IT OUT AND SPIT OUT THE BITE I TOOK FROM IT.

Wow. It must have been really gross for her to have to “through” the whole thing out. The poor thing. Still, I felt I needed more info, so I wrote Jules one more e-mail to clear a few things up:

Hello Jules. I am not sure what a PAR BAKED PIE is. Can you explain it? What state did you purchase this pie in? What made you purchase this Paula Deen pie? Are you a big fan?

On a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, exactly how disgusting was the pie?

You mentioned you’ve been a chef for 30 years. What’s your favorite thing to cook?

Jules replied yet again, and this time, was kind enough to explain the workings of a par baked pie:

a par baked is something that is a little bit baked,then u bake it when u need it.i just saw the pie it looked good . bought it in XXXXX,florida.1being the worse it was a minus 2. i cooked around the world ,being of italian decent i prefer italian cooking.

You hear that, Giada? It might be time to consider your own line of pies.

(We get a lot of crazy e-mail here at FNH, but this just might be the most unusual one yet. Someone named Amanda wrote in to let us know about the freaky sex dream she had about Bobby Flay. Here’s her story, along with some photos we added for dramatic effect. Enjoy! And remember, don’t watch Grill It before bed, or you might soon find yourself in Amanda’s shoes.)

AMANDA’S E-MAIL:

Hello, love the site, very entertaining and I feel I must tell you about a dream I had. It was really creepy and disturbing, I met Bobby Flay and all the sudden we were kissing and my friend was there and she was trying to get him and we were glaring and fighting each other.

I won the battle for Bobby’s heart and then I said, “have you ever heard of foodnetworkhumor.com?” he said yes and burst into tears.

so I just wanted to say thanks for breaking poor Bobby’s heart (at least in my dreams haha). Maybe I can be his next wife! ~Amanda

Good luck, Amanda. They say the 4th wife’s the charm.