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Letters To FNH »

What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
Posted on November 1st 2011

We get a lot of colorful, idiotic, and just plain WTF e-mails here at FNH, so every month I like to share the contents of my inbox with you guys in a segment called “LETTERS TO FNH.” This is the part where YOU guys get the floor to share the stuff you saw, and voice what YOU think about the Food Network.

This month features fan encounters with Alton Brown and Sandra Lee, Bobby Flay’s Irish twin, Paula Deen’s horsedump pie, and a few letters from TOTAL IDIOTS. Let’s do it!

Hi. My name is Paula xxxxx and I’m an old friend of Marc’s so could please forward this to him. 323 733-xxxx.

Sure. “Marc” is the very first person in my speed dial. Hold on while I ring him and let him know you’re looking to reconnect. (Seriously, honey, can’t you use Classmates.com or GOOGLE like the rest of the world? Must you resort to emailing strangers your phone number?)

Can you please write something about Sweet Genius!? It is the most RIDICULOUS show I have ever seen on food network. For one thing what the hell is Ron Ben Israels accent and why did he steal my mascara on and put on 5 coats of lashblast? The place where they film is way too big for the show, and a computer voice does most of Ron’s lines! All of his “inspirations” are the most flamboyant thing. High Heels, a masquerade mask, even when it was a turtle it was a bedazzled one! Then when he eats the food he literally says three adjectives about each part of the dish. The cake is warm, sweet, rich. THAT’S IT. Who is this person and where the hell did they find him? I literally watch it just to find out what ridiculous stuff will be on next. -Sam and Sloan

I tried to watch it. I really did. I DVR’d it and everything. Twice. But both times I was only physically able to watch it for 5 minutes. It was just that bad. I promptly deleted it from my DVR and promised to never watch again. If anyone out there reading wants to recap the show or write a bit about it for FNH, I’d be all ears. Until then, here’s a menacing little screengrab sent in by Dawn:

I came across this picture today and while the first thing that caught my attention was the crazy-eyes and pure batshit insanity that these two people represent, I unfortunately could not escape the feeling that the guy looked familiar — and that’s when I realized that he was most likely Adam Gertler’s dad.  -Ryan

And in a related story:

I don’t know about you, but I find that this Ron Ben Israel guy seems to be the horrifying lovechild of Iron Chef Michael Symon and Bravo bitch Tabatha Coffey. -Kellie

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Letters To FNH »

Who The F**k Is Tess Middlebrook?
Posted on October 24th 2011

The FNH inbox has been blowing up about an annoying Chopped: Halloween contestant named Tess Middlebrook. I haven’t been watching the series, so I have no idea what you guys are talking about. But FNH reader Jenn included one of Middlebrook’s videos along with her email, and frankly, it  made my soul blacken and die a little.

Take it away, Jenn:

Not sure if you’ve been watching the “Chopped Halloween” episodes , but the reason that one of the episodes was so terrible (to me) was because of Tess Middlebrook. The young, blonde chick who thinks she’s the next Lucille Ball. The thing is – she made me cringe from the second she opened her mouth. She’s so PAINFULLY unfunny that for the first time I actually rooted for someone (her) to get chopped first so I wouldn’t have to watch her for more than one round. I was OFFENDED by her desperate attempts at humor. The judges made a side comment about her childish screaming during one round (“stirring up fear” or something like that) – but how did they let her complete disrespect for the ingredients slip by? Her hideous “stress” noises that sound like a wounded buffalo? Walking into the ‘stew room’ and whining “Make it stop!”

She also does an “impression” of a black chicken. I’m sure you can only imagine what that looked like (hint: she attempted to cluck in a “rapping” fashion whatever the HELL that means) but you should have SEEN Ted Allen’s face.

She has some Youtube videos (which she plugs on Chopped). I had to watch it – if only because I’m some sort of a masochist – and it is just DESPERATELY not funny. I’ve never seen anything like it. Doing some really terrible accents and chopping shit up on a cutting board qualifies you as a “comic?” Jesus.

Wow. Just, wow.

I could NOT sit through the video. I tried, but I just couldn’t. I’m not that strong.

Like other people have noted in the YouTube comments, her title “Cooking with Schizophrenia” is wrong. She should consider renaming her show “Cooking with Multiple Personality Disorder.” Or better yet, “mumbling with obnoxious accents that no one wants to listen to.”

GET IT TOGETHER, TESS. GET IT TOGETHER.

Letters To FNH »

What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
Posted on September 8th 2011

We get a lot of colorful, idiotic, and just plain WTF e-mails here at FNH, so every month I like to share the contents of my inbox with you guys in a segment called “LETTERS TO FNH.”  This is the part where YOU guys get the floor to share the stuff you saw, and voice what YOU think about the Food Network.

Here’s the August installment of inbox cheers and jeers!

I caught a picture of a Sandra Lee book at Borders and chuckled at the price tag placement. -BW

Equally as funny: the notion that someone would pay $4.99 for that book.

I had to rewind the tv a few times while watching Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. Everyone i show this to says “Did she say what i think she just said?” haha! -Samantha

You’ve gotta love Anne Burrell! Also, this reminds me of one of my favorite Damn You Autocorrect entries of all time:

Being the Harry Potter fan that I am, I saw the new movie the day it came out. And in the almost opening scene, something rather curious caught my eye and it distracted me from the rest of the movie. Harry Potter is wearing a denim shent. Granted, Daniel Radcliffe is a short and not fat young man playing what is supposed to be a seventeen year old and does not have a thing for good vanilla and the Hamptons and gay men (well, we don’t know about that last one.). However, wearing a shent is fashion suicide (akin to using bad vanilla), and it ruined the rest of the movie for me. And none of my friends understood or cared when I tried to explain how awful it is that he is wearing a shent. A denim shent. To what is the world coming? -Sarah

Ina Garten is such a trendsetting fashionista!

Hey Jill,

I am a faithful Opie & Anthony listener (8 years now) & while I’m sure that says a lot about me, they had the douche canoe Guy Fieri on yesterday’s show. While this was just the radio, I felt compelled to share the “highlights” of the segment. While I prayed to God that the boys would slam him, they didn’t because he was feeding them & I’m sure they truly have no idea what a jacknut he is.

1. O & A pointed out that Ferry’s chef’s had actually been at the Siruis/XM studios since 4 a.m. while Ferry himself showed up at 8

2. Fieri made an alcoholic drink for them. When Jimmy Norton (stand up comic) said he couldn’t drink alcohol & could he have a non alcoholic version, Ferry laughed at him & said “Why would you want that?” Oh I don’t know, maybe because Jimmy is 20 years sober! He kept asking for a non alcohol version & Ferry continually ignored the request UNTIL his own son said he wanted one too.

3. He was pushing his product line (GASP!!!) of sausages (snicker) & BBQ sauces being sold at Costco’s, Sam’s Clubs, etc. Also, mentioned that he was opening up another restaurant for a total of 6.

4. He pushed a new show on in January which is a celebrity cook off show called Guy Vs Rachael or some shit. Further proof that FN continues it’s piss poor broadcasting with shows only a lobotomy patient could enjoy & even that’s insulting to lobotomy patients everywhere. Some of the “celebrities” appearing on said crapfest include people you’ve either never heard of or thought were washed up long ago such as Taylor Dane. Taylor Dane?? She wasn’t even relevant in the 80′s when she was supposedly famous. Seriously – for fuck’s sake, Taylor Dane is who FN chose to be part of a CELEBRITY cook off show? The others are so “famous” I can’t even remember their names.

So basically his chef’s showed up at 4 a.m., did all the cooking & the only thing he actually made was the alcoholic beverages. Yes, truly his a great chef. And we have a new show to look forward`to on FNH, if you can actually make it through viewing it, God knows I won’t. -Jennifer

Food Network is to food what MTV is to music. Also, Taylor Dayne? REALLY? I loved “Prove Your Love” in 1989 as much as the next girl, but if that’s the best “celebrity” they can dig up, the show is going to be hilariously awful!

You have all these chiefs Great Chiefs cooking from a to z but leaving out D for diebates, what can you suggest cooking for diebates people with low carbs. Thank you for looking at this request. -Jane

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The intelligence level of your average Food Network watcher. Let this be a lesson to you, though, eat right or you may develop DIEBATES.

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Letters To FNH »

What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
Posted on July 29th 2011

We get a lot of colorful, idiotic, and just plain WTF e-mails here at FNH, so every month I like to share the contents of my inbox with you guys in a segment called “LETTERS TO FNH.”  This is the part where YOU guys get the floor to share the stuff you saw, and voice what YOU think about the Food Network.

Here’s the July installment of inbox cheers and jeers!

Jill, I love your blog, especially when it deals with Guy. I have to tell you that I wear my sunglasses on the back of my head because that’s the only way they stay on my head. If I wear them on the top, my military-style cut doesn’t support them. It’s not b/c I’m a douche, at least I don’t think it is. Keep up the good work! -Brett

Brett, I love you for reading FNH and taking the time to send in a comment. I really do. But it is never, ever, ever okay to wear sunglasses on the back of your head. In Guy Fieri terms, it’s a one-way ticket on a train to insta-douche. This isn’t 1987, and you’re not Val Kilmer taking a break from a strenuous volleyball game on a beach in southern California. If they won’t stay on your head, take them off!

I love Food Network Humor, and read the posts in my spare time! The other day I was watching “Best Thing I Ever Ate,” and snapped this pic of Anne Burrell. -Emma

Clearly either Anne Burrell is shrinking, or she stole Sandra Lee’s favorite wine glass. The choice is yours.

Please tell me you are working on a post in reference to Extreme Chef… that had to be the absolute mot horrifically pathetic show I’ve ever seen on Food Network. -Kirk

Sorry, Kirk. I can’t even force myself to sit through an episode to write about it. I tried watching 5 minutes of an episode last month, and that was more than enough for my lifetime.

First off my boyfriend and I love your site! Have you ever watched Cupcake Wars? We sadly have and besides from the bad judges and most annoying little host have you seen the carpenters? Every episode its guys with beards and plaid shirts. EVERY TIME. There has not been one episode that the carpenter is not in a plaid shirt or clean shaven. Is this what food network thinks they look like? Ridiculous! -Samantha and Sloan

Hi S&S! I think Cupcake Wars might be the only show that’s worse than Extreme Chef. I do not watch it. If you notice, though, the “carpenters” on HGTV are all stupid pretty boys too… which is completely unrealistic and just ridiculous. True story: my father is a custom home builder, and one day a few years ago a crew from HGTV came and filmed a segment on a house he was building. It basically shut down his whole project for 2 days. Dad told me they wouldn’t let any of the “real” carpenters and construction guys anywhere near the camera, and the “construction expert” who came in was some musclehead douche who just spent 2 hours in hair and make-up. According to my father, he had NO CLUE how to use the bandsaw or the air compressor and all the “real” construction guys had to spend their afternoons teaching him how to use the equipment for the camera. Moral of the story: TV is TV, and it’s not reality. It’s some old, out of touch producer’s disillusioned idea of reality. I’m not naming names. Bob Tuschman.

Hi, I just saw this description on an episode of 30 meals – “culinary expert”???

-Leo

That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? Sadly, you’re a “culinary expert” in the Food Network’s eyes these days if you can make a SAMMY out of some old bread and cheese.

Hey guys, just watched the new episode of “Aarti Party.” Her enthusiasm is so fake, and with her sing-song voice, I wanted to vomit. She described eating a lychee as biting into the color pink. I can’t say that I’ve tried a solid color before, and I can’t say I ever want to. She also served a cold soup in what looked like a flower vase, making it seem like she was serving rancid milk, eww. Keep up the good work! -Michelle

Hi Michelle. Thanks for reporting on Aarti Party. I stopped DVRing it months ago because it made me feel suicidal. I see not much has changed. Also, Betty Crocker pulls that shit with foods tasting like colors too:

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Letters To FNH »

What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
Posted on June 29th 2011

We get a lot of colorful, idiotic, and just plain WTF e-mails here at FNH, so every few months I like to share the contents of my inbox with you guys in a segment called “LETTERS TO FNH.” Here are 11 more letters for this latest installment of inbox cheers and jeers!

1) You do not want to know how much I hate this website. If I ever meet a Food Network chef I’ll show then this website. So watch out idiots. Please reply I want to know why you do this, to these people. They’ve never done anything to you. -Emily

No, Emily! Please do not show this website to a Food Network chef! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

2) Hi FNH. I happened to be at Wal-Mart yesterday and I saw the Duff Goldman Blue Bunny ice cream line in the freezer section. My husband was morbidly curious as to what they tasted like, so we tried the I Do I Do Wedding Cake flavor. Now, the Blue Bunny website says that it is supposed to taste like “the marriage of sweet buttercream frosting flavored ice cream and white cake pieces all wrapped up in delicate ribbons of raspberry sauce.” What we decided is that it tasted more like the really fatty, cloyingly sweet icing found on cheap grocery store cakes. The cake part was soggy and spongy, and the raspberry swirl was more like colored corn syrup with artificial raspberry flavoring. For the nearly $6 we spent on that ice cream, we could have gotten some Ciao Bella or Ben and Jerry’s that was actually NOT disgusting. -Jenna

Jenna, I’m really sorry your Blue Bunny ice cream was nasty. Perhaps in the future you’ll think twice about buying frozen edibles from a grown man who signs his name with a heart.

3) Dear FNH, Please make a posting of Scott Conant’s ridiculously tight suit jackets. He can barely move his arms. It looks like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy doing the “fat guy in a little coat” bit. I’ve never seen such unnatural dress for a tv personality. -Kenneth

Never noticed it. Perhaps that’s because I make it a point to not watch shows that feature actual moving video footage of Scott Conant.

4) Jillian, I just witnessed the creepiest and most disgusting episode of Triple D, called BBQ & MORE. At one point, Guy FERRY actually said: “that was so good, I am going to need to shampoo my goatee.” That was probably the grossest thing I have ever heard on a food show. If you get a chance to view this program (I am advising you not to, or just for sheer curiosity), make sure to have a pen and paper to write down the worst moments (I wish I would have). -Jake

Jake, that does sound horrific. However, I’m in favor of anything that actually gets him to wash his nasty, crusty goatee. That thing looks like it hasn’t seen soap and water since the Reagan administration.

5) I don’t know if you can do anything with it, but I grabbed this lovely image of Ray-Ray over-pronouncing the word “cheese” during the opening segment of the “30 Minute Meals” episode “Never Had It So Good,” broadcast June 11. -Ed

Take it down a notch, Ray-Ray. For real. You’re at a 9. We need you at a 2.

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