This month features fan encounters with Alton Brown and Sandra Lee, Bobby Flay’s Irish twin, Paula Deen’s horsedump pie, and a few letters from TOTAL IDIOTS. Let’s do it!

Hi. My name is Paula xxxxx and I’m an old friend of Marc’s so could please forward this to him. 323 733-xxxx.

Sure. “Marc” is the very first person in my speed dial. Hold on while I ring him and let him know you’re looking to reconnect. (Seriously, honey, can’t you use Classmates.com or GOOGLE like the rest of the world? Must you resort to emailing strangers your phone number?)

Can you please write something about Sweet Genius!? It is the most RIDICULOUS show I have ever seen on food network. For one thing what the hell is Ron Ben Israels accent and why did he steal my mascara on and put on 5 coats of lashblast? The place where they film is way too big for the show, and a computer voice does most of Ron’s lines! All of his “inspirations” are the most flamboyant thing. High Heels, a masquerade mask, even when it was a turtle it was a bedazzled one! Then when he eats the food he literally says three adjectives about each part of the dish. The cake is warm, sweet, rich. THAT’S IT. Who is this person and where the hell did they find him? I literally watch it just to find out what ridiculous stuff will be on next. -Sam and Sloan

I tried to watch it. I really did. I DVR’d it and everything. Twice. But both times I was only physically able to watch it for 5 minutes. It was just that bad. I promptly deleted it from my DVR and promised to never watch again. If anyone out there reading wants to recap the show or write a bit about it for FNH, I’d be all ears. Until then, here’s a menacing little screengrab sent in by Dawn:

I came across this picture today and while the first thing that caught my attention was the crazy-eyes and pure batshit insanity that these two people represent, I unfortunately could not escape the feeling that the guy looked familiar — and that’s when I realized that he was most likely Adam Gertler’s dad.  -Ryan

And in a related story:

I don’t know about you, but I find that this Ron Ben Israel guy seems to be the horrifying lovechild of Iron Chef Michael Symon and Bravo bitch Tabatha Coffey. -Kellie

Wow – so you guys are all really loving Sweet Genius, eh? /sarcasm

I just wanted to send an anonymous note to you about Sandra Lee. I went to the Food Network Food & Wine Festival ‘Sweet’ event hosted by Sandra Lee Friday night (I only went because it was free) and I was shocked at how openly bitchy and arrogant she was! She sauntered about the event with her beau Andy Cuomo (and an entourage of security) with an air about her as though she thinks she is the 2nd Coming or Oprah. Not to mention she didn’t seem to want to stop to talk with the people who might have come there to see her. She seemed to want to just waltz about the event with this security entourage and let her white trashy ego grow (don’t even get me started on the tacky, trailer-park looking outfit she was wearing, it infuriates me that people outside of NYC saw an article that gave her a Best-Dressed award, because she does NOT in ANY way represent NYC fashion, I don’t see in what area she would be considered Best-Dressed, she is a laughing-stock!)

As if that weren’t horrendous enough, when it came time for her to speak to the crowd, she was so RUDE and bitchy. She told everyone to quiet down because she “lost my voice talking to YOU ALL and you guys need to SERIOUSLY be quiet! When the crowd didn’t seem to pay attention and quiet down for her, so she wouldn’t have to speak loudly, she got openly bitchy and said, “SERIOUSLY everyone, SERIOUSLY?!?!?! I’m not going to speak until you quiet down!!” HA! (It gave a feeling of, “How DARE you speak when I am trying to talk?! Don’t you know who I am?!”)

I was shocked how openly rude and bitchy she was, not only 1st within the crowd, but 2nd during a speech. Doesn’t she have a PR person telling her that bitchiness doesn’t sell?!?! All the other personalities there seemed to engage and interact with the people who came to see them-except for Sandra Lee-whom was the main Host! (Anne Burrell was there as well as Bobby Flay and others- and both seemed very down to earth and had no ego or airs about them, they were walking around without, gasp, security or an entourage!?)

Just thought you’d like to hear this and wondering if anyone else was there and saw the same thing.

I’ve never met Sandra Lee, but for what it’s worth, I’ve heard a thousand stories like this. You are not alone, anonymous!

Did you happen to catch any of Paula Deen’s appearance on the Dr. Oz show on 10/11/11? I am watching it now on dvr and it is quite interesting. First off, she explains that she is gassy from some grapes she ate and feels as though she may need to run off to the bathroom at any moment (this is before they begin talking about her food) and that she is a “regular pooper”. Then she explains that she “holds” a pack and a half of cigarettes a day! I just thought I would bring this compelling interview to your attention as I am finding it very revealing and hilarious. -Melissa

Wow. Talk about way TMI. But honestly, very typical. These days, if Paula Deen did an interview without talking about shit, I’d be worried. And speaking about Paula Deen and shit…

Hi Jillian,
I came across this on the food network web site for Paula Deen’s apple pie and when I saw the picture I just about lost my lunch. Looks like a huge pile of horse shit. Words just cant describe it. Nothing like two cups of crisco to get the blood flowing. -Michael

How do you even slice through that thing? With a chainsaw?

You don’t suppose the new Mazda 3, with its oversized smile-shaped grille, was inspired by Giada De Laurentiis? -Dan

That would scare the hell out of me if I saw it in my rear view mirror.

Hi Jillian, I frequent your blog and know that, if there is anyone on Food Network that you even remotely like and respect, it’s Alton Brown. He’s definitely number one in my book, and I was SUPER starstruck when I saw him in Austin last weekend. I saw him walking towards me on South Congress Street and sheepishly said, “Hi…Would you mind if I took a moment of your time? I don’t want to bother you, but I’m a big fan!” He and his friend smiled and assured me that I wasn’t a bother. Here’s the kicker… before I could gush anymore about how much I love this man, Alton stuck out his hand, smiled, and said “Hi, I’m Alton Brown.” HAHAHA Yes, sir, I know. He was sweet, charming, and casual-the Alton Brown we know and LOVE (…I do, anyway. could you tell??) I saw him again after we had parted ways initially, and I was texting furiously. “I’m telling everyone I know that I just met you!” He laughed and asked, “How many of them even know who I am?!” ..um, all of them! It’s a prerequisite for being my friend. Needless to say, this made my life! And yes, if he asked, I would marry him ( please don’t ruin my deliciously delusional state with the bothersome fact that he already has a wife. DETAILS!) Thanks again for the blog and hope you enjoyed my little story of pure, unadulterated joy! -Ashley

Great story Ashley! Thanks for sharing. Alton is, in fact, THE MAN.

I don’t know if the new Food Network show Crave is brand new or not, but I didn’t see it mentioned on your site. Good god is it awful! The host is some alleged “food critic” and “food journalist” named Troy Johnson and he is an unsufferable douchebag of epic proportions. I cannot go into any more details or I may have a stroke. Just watch the show (if you can stand it) and I will look forward to this asshole getting skewered on your site soon. -Kirk

I agree. I tried watching it once but the host made me want to jump off a bridge. He talks 900 mph and makes jokes that, well, aren’t funny. Plus… another show with a random guy driving around eating things? Come on. Make it stop.

Hey Jill, love your site. I was just going through pictures from when I was abroad last year, and I found a picture of a political poster for someone running for a representative position in Ireland. AKA the Irish clone of Bobby Flay. My friend and I were so sick of seeing his smug clone face. His name is Ruadhán Mac Aodháin and this is just the picture I had taken of the poster. -Laura

The resemblance is uncanny!

I am trying to find your Holiday Magazine. The one with the bunk cake and, also the chicken. Thank you

Ohhhhh. The one with the bunk cake and the chicken. Hold on while I laugh myself into a coma. BRB.

So I was watching the Frightfully Good episode of The Best Thing I Ever Ate, and noticed when they were talking about the Lamb Face salad (serious ick, by the way), they flashed the salad across the screen, and there very clearly was a hair hanging down. So gross. Do they never catch crap like that – don’t they have editors? -Kristi

Ewwwwwwwww! Do not want!

Thanks for all the great letters and pics, guys! Keep them coming. Without you, there wouldn’t be a FNH!

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Take it away, Jenn:

Not sure if you’ve been watching the “Chopped Halloween” episodes , but the reason that one of the episodes was so terrible (to me) was because of Tess Middlebrook. The young, blonde chick who thinks she’s the next Lucille Ball. The thing is – she made me cringe from the second she opened her mouth. She’s so PAINFULLY unfunny that for the first time I actually rooted for someone (her) to get chopped first so I wouldn’t have to watch her for more than one round. I was OFFENDED by her desperate attempts at humor. The judges made a side comment about her childish screaming during one round (“stirring up fear” or something like that) – but how did they let her complete disrespect for the ingredients slip by? Her hideous “stress” noises that sound like a wounded buffalo? Walking into the ‘stew room’ and whining “Make it stop!”

She also does an “impression” of a black chicken. I’m sure you can only imagine what that looked like (hint: she attempted to cluck in a “rapping” fashion whatever the HELL that means) but you should have SEEN Ted Allen’s face.

She has some Youtube videos (which she plugs on Chopped). I had to watch it – if only because I’m some sort of a masochist – and it is just DESPERATELY not funny. I’ve never seen anything like it. Doing some really terrible accents and chopping shit up on a cutting board qualifies you as a “comic?” Jesus.

Wow. Just, wow.

I could NOT sit through the video. I tried, but I just couldn’t. I’m not that strong.

Like other people have noted in the YouTube comments, her title “Cooking with Schizophrenia” is wrong. She should consider renaming her show “Cooking with Multiple Personality Disorder.” Or better yet, “mumbling with obnoxious accents that no one wants to listen to.”

GET IT TOGETHER, TESS. GET IT TOGETHER.

Related posts:

1. Chopped All Stars: Round 3
2. Aaron Sanchez Is Probably Not The Sharpest Knife In The Drawer
3. Chopped All-Stars: The Finale

Here’s the August installment of inbox cheers and jeers!

I caught a picture of a Sandra Lee book at Borders and chuckled at the price tag placement. -BW

Equally as funny: the notion that someone would pay $4.99 for that book.

I had to rewind the tv a few times while watching Secrets of a Restaurant Chef. Everyone i show this to says “Did she say what i think she just said?” haha! -Samantha

You’ve gotta love Anne Burrell! Also, this reminds me of one of my favorite Damn You Autocorrect entries of all time:

Being the Harry Potter fan that I am, I saw the new movie the day it came out. And in the almost opening scene, something rather curious caught my eye and it distracted me from the rest of the movie. Harry Potter is wearing a denim shent. Granted, Daniel Radcliffe is a short and not fat young man playing what is supposed to be a seventeen year old and does not have a thing for good vanilla and the Hamptons and gay men (well, we don’t know about that last one.). However, wearing a shent is fashion suicide (akin to using bad vanilla), and it ruined the rest of the movie for me. And none of my friends understood or cared when I tried to explain how awful it is that he is wearing a shent. A denim shent. To what is the world coming? -Sarah

Ina Garten is such a trendsetting fashionista!

Hey Jill,

I am a faithful Opie & Anthony listener (8 years now) & while I’m sure that says a lot about me, they had the douche canoe Guy Fieri on yesterday’s show. While this was just the radio, I felt compelled to share the “highlights” of the segment. While I prayed to God that the boys would slam him, they didn’t because he was feeding them & I’m sure they truly have no idea what a jacknut he is.

1. O & A pointed out that Ferry’s chef’s had actually been at the Siruis/XM studios since 4 a.m. while Ferry himself showed up at 8

2. Fieri made an alcoholic drink for them. When Jimmy Norton (stand up comic) said he couldn’t drink alcohol & could he have a non alcoholic version, Ferry laughed at him & said “Why would you want that?” Oh I don’t know, maybe because Jimmy is 20 years sober! He kept asking for a non alcohol version & Ferry continually ignored the request UNTIL his own son said he wanted one too.

3. He was pushing his product line (GASP!!!) of sausages (snicker) & BBQ sauces being sold at Costco’s, Sam’s Clubs, etc. Also, mentioned that he was opening up another restaurant for a total of 6.

4. He pushed a new show on in January which is a celebrity cook off show called Guy Vs Rachael or some shit. Further proof that FN continues it’s piss poor broadcasting with shows only a lobotomy patient could enjoy & even that’s insulting to lobotomy patients everywhere. Some of the “celebrities” appearing on said crapfest include people you’ve either never heard of or thought were washed up long ago such as Taylor Dane. Taylor Dane?? She wasn’t even relevant in the 80′s when she was supposedly famous. Seriously – for fuck’s sake, Taylor Dane is who FN chose to be part of a CELEBRITY cook off show? The others are so “famous” I can’t even remember their names.

So basically his chef’s showed up at 4 a.m., did all the cooking & the only thing he actually made was the alcoholic beverages. Yes, truly his a great chef. And we have a new show to look forward`to on FNH, if you can actually make it through viewing it, God knows I won’t. -Jennifer

Food Network is to food what MTV is to music. Also, Taylor Dayne? REALLY? I loved “Prove Your Love” in 1989 as much as the next girl, but if that’s the best “celebrity” they can dig up, the show is going to be hilariously awful!

You have all these chiefs Great Chiefs cooking from a to z but leaving out D for diebates, what can you suggest cooking for diebates people with low carbs. Thank you for looking at this request. -Jane

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. The intelligence level of your average Food Network watcher. Let this be a lesson to you, though, eat right or you may develop DIEBATES.

I love your page and thought you might get a kick out of how Geoffrey Zakarian described eating rare to raw shrimp. -Andy

Sounds like a rejected scene from “Lord of the Flies.”

I’m not sure if you’ve ever noticed/posted on this but next time you watch barefoot contessa listen to the background music when she goes shopping. Is it just me or is that the same backing track as Cee-Lo’s “Fuck You”? -Anderson

YES. I just saw an episode of her making salmon over a muzak version of Cee-Lo Green’s “Fuck You.” I think it’s a message to all of us.

Hi Jillian-
I’m sitting watching Giada, and am absolutely flabbergasted. I am shocked, insulted, and awestruck at the stupidity of this moment. Giada is currently cooking waffles… from a mix. No embellishments, no special ingredients, just the mix. She added eggs, water, and vegetable oil to powdered waffle mix. And to add to the insult, she explained why you’re supposed to use vegetable oil in the mix. You know why you have to use vegetable oil in the mix, Giada? Because the
back of the box told us to. The back of the box that you are currently sneakily reading between shots of you drooling over boxed waffle mix.

Either Food Network is out of ideas or the focus market has dropped 50 IQ points. -Jenny

But Todd loves pre-packaged waffles after a day of “paddle surfing” in the ocean with his totally heterosexual (wink, wink) male friends! Seriously, I saw that episode too and apparently there are people out there who need Giada to teach them how to follow a recipe. Stay tuned next week when she goes over the complexities of boxed brownies.

I know you don’t normally cover cooking channel, but RR got a new kitchen set on her show today. No pantry that I’ve seen so far, no 20-ingredient carries, not even opening the fridge. She barely does any of the prep work – it’s just like the camera cuts away, cuts back, and there are three piles of diced veggies. Kind of phoning in her show, don’t you think? -Michelle

Unfortunately, cablevision subscribers don’t get Cooking Channel (which is ridiculous, because cablevision and Food Network/Cooking Channel are all NY based) so I can’t watch. However, Rachael’s been phoning it in on 30 Minute Meals for months (years?) so it doesn’t surprise me to hear she’s doing it there too. Poor Rachael. Spread thinner than the butter atop Giada’s boxed waffles.

Hey Jill, Just thought you’d like this. -Michelle H

Thanks for all the letters and pics, guys! That’s it for this month – keep the emails coming and you may be featured here next month!

Related posts:

1. What’s In Our Inbox: Letters To FNH
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Here’s the July installment of inbox cheers and jeers!

Jill, I love your blog, especially when it deals with Guy. I have to tell you that I wear my sunglasses on the back of my head because that’s the only way they stay on my head. If I wear them on the top, my military-style cut doesn’t support them. It’s not b/c I’m a douche, at least I don’t think it is. Keep up the good work! -Brett

Brett, I love you for reading FNH and taking the time to send in a comment. I really do. But it is never, ever, ever okay to wear sunglasses on the back of your head. In Guy Fieri terms, it’s a one-way ticket on a train to insta-douche. This isn’t 1987, and you’re not Val Kilmer taking a break from a strenuous volleyball game on a beach in southern California. If they won’t stay on your head, take them off!

I love Food Network Humor, and read the posts in my spare time! The other day I was watching “Best Thing I Ever Ate,” and snapped this pic of Anne Burrell. -Emma

Clearly either Anne Burrell is shrinking, or she stole Sandra Lee’s favorite wine glass. The choice is yours.

Please tell me you are working on a post in reference to Extreme Chef… that had to be the absolute mot horrifically pathetic show I’ve ever seen on Food Network. -Kirk

Sorry, Kirk. I can’t even force myself to sit through an episode to write about it. I tried watching 5 minutes of an episode last month, and that was more than enough for my lifetime.

First off my boyfriend and I love your site! Have you ever watched Cupcake Wars? We sadly have and besides from the bad judges and most annoying little host have you seen the carpenters? Every episode its guys with beards and plaid shirts. EVERY TIME. There has not been one episode that the carpenter is not in a plaid shirt or clean shaven. Is this what food network thinks they look like? Ridiculous! -Samantha and Sloan

Hi S&S! I think Cupcake Wars might be the only show that’s worse than Extreme Chef. I do not watch it. If you notice, though, the “carpenters” on HGTV are all stupid pretty boys too… which is completely unrealistic and just ridiculous. True story: my father is a custom home builder, and one day a few years ago a crew from HGTV came and filmed a segment on a house he was building. It basically shut down his whole project for 2 days. Dad told me they wouldn’t let any of the “real” carpenters and construction guys anywhere near the camera, and the “construction expert” who came in was some musclehead douche who just spent 2 hours in hair and make-up. According to my father, he had NO CLUE how to use the bandsaw or the air compressor and all the “real” construction guys had to spend their afternoons teaching him how to use the equipment for the camera. Moral of the story: TV is TV, and it’s not reality. It’s some old, out of touch producer’s disillusioned idea of reality. I’m not naming names. Bob Tuschman.

Hi, I just saw this description on an episode of 30 meals – “culinary expert”???

-Leo

That’s a bit of a stretch, isn’t it? Sadly, you’re a “culinary expert” in the Food Network’s eyes these days if you can make a SAMMY out of some old bread and cheese.

Hey guys, just watched the new episode of “Aarti Party.” Her enthusiasm is so fake, and with her sing-song voice, I wanted to vomit. She described eating a lychee as biting into the color pink. I can’t say that I’ve tried a solid color before, and I can’t say I ever want to. She also served a cold soup in what looked like a flower vase, making it seem like she was serving rancid milk, eww. Keep up the good work! -Michelle

Hi Michelle. Thanks for reporting on Aarti Party. I stopped DVRing it months ago because it made me feel suicidal. I see not much has changed. Also, Betty Crocker pulls that shit with foods tasting like colors too:

I just want you to know that I woke up really tired this morning b/c I was up till 2 reading your site. I love your sense of humor and how much you rag on everyone on FN. We share the same love of Nigella. However, I think you are WAAAAY off on Alex Guarnaschelli. She is insufferable. She was making potato chips actually said you should salt them right out of the oil b/c “they’re like a gang member without their posse, very vulnerable”….Honestly Jill, you mean to tell me you doesn’t make you want to reach through the tv and smack her on the forehead??? -Bryan

Bryan, I really disliked Guarnaschelli’s persona too. And then I met her. And she’s witty and engaging and nice and nothing like they edit her to be. And she sat across the table from me without physically strangling me, which I know she clearly wanted to do. Her food descriptions are a bit ridiculous at times but it’s just her. She’s passionate about food and more importantly, she’s one of the few “real chefs” on the network who really knows her shit. You’ve gotta respect that.

Do you know what REALLY bothers me about Giada? I figured it out yesterday while watching a marathon. She just feels the need to say the most obvious things. “You dip your spoon into the soup, like this.” “And then you take a bite.” OBVIOUSLY if you want to taste the soup you have to dip your spoon in it! Or, she’ll be plating something and then she will say “And then you pick it up, and you take a bite.” NO KIDDING. -Jessica

She does do that, doesn’t she. I still can’t get past the way she sing-songingly says “AAAAAAAAND!” Once you hear it, you can’t un-hear it and then it’s all you ever hear. Did that make sense?

Sandra lee is looking frat-tastic here. Who’s ready for coconut margaritas broskiiiiii! -Ian

DUDE! RAGING KEGGER AT SANDRA LEE’S LAKEHOUSE!

In this month’s issue of Maxim, they created a creature called “the Guyclops” based on Guy Fieri. The description read: “This spiky, brightly colored behemoth is so single-minded in its pursuit of off-the-hook chow, it doesn’t even need depth perception, evolving with just a single eye.” -Olivia

Hilarious. I love that ranking on Guy Fieri is now becoming more mainstream.

Sadly I just read your article about Sandra Lee which I came across while trying to find info on Sandra Lee. I will make sure never to read anything you put out again. Of course your idea of good television is probably Jersey Shore, the Kardashians,Repo Man and all the other crap that is passed off as television today. Sandra Lee has more class than you will ever even be exposed to in your lifetime, so get into another line of work because as your degeneration would say YOU SUCK AT IT. -Margie47

HAHAHAHAHAH. Best email ever. What do you have, 15 brain cells? 20? Written like a true Sandra Lee fan. I’d expect nothing less. Run along now, I hear Sandra Lee’s books are available for $.50 at Big Lots. Act now!

Hi Jill, I just saw an episode of Challenge and the competitors had to make a mythical creature out of chocolate. Throughout the challenge they had to put on a blindfold… AKA, A BRA… and a goblin would come in an hide some of their supplies. -Wendy

LOL. That’s reason #902 that I don’t watch “Challenge.” Also, that does look like a bra, albeit an awfully small bra. It must be Rachael Ray’s. Bygones.

Hey Jill, love the blog! Last night on “Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations” he was driving down a narrow italian road and said: “The infamous road of a thousand bends, barely wide enough to accommodate two cars side by side. Which makes it very difficult for Fierri to drive his canary yellow Humvee. Me? I’m comfortable with my sexuality and I’ve got no problem with the size of my dick.” -Meaghan (lots of people sent this in but Meaghan was first!)

Bourdain has clearly been reading too much FNH!

That’s it for this month! The next installment of What’s In Our Inbox will be out at the end of August so keep your comments and pics coming!

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1) You do not want to know how much I hate this website. If I ever meet a Food Network chef I’ll show then this website. So watch out idiots. Please reply I want to know why you do this, to these people. They’ve never done anything to you. -Emily

No, Emily! Please do not show this website to a Food Network chef! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

2) Hi FNH. I happened to be at Wal-Mart yesterday and I saw the Duff Goldman Blue Bunny ice cream line in the freezer section. My husband was morbidly curious as to what they tasted like, so we tried the I Do I Do Wedding Cake flavor. Now, the Blue Bunny website says that it is supposed to taste like “the marriage of sweet buttercream frosting flavored ice cream and white cake pieces all wrapped up in delicate ribbons of raspberry sauce.” What we decided is that it tasted more like the really fatty, cloyingly sweet icing found on cheap grocery store cakes. The cake part was soggy and spongy, and the raspberry swirl was more like colored corn syrup with artificial raspberry flavoring. For the nearly $6 we spent on that ice cream, we could have gotten some Ciao Bella or Ben and Jerry’s that was actually NOT disgusting. -Jenna

Jenna, I’m really sorry your Blue Bunny ice cream was nasty. Perhaps in the future you’ll think twice about buying frozen edibles from a grown man who signs his name with a heart.

3) Dear FNH, Please make a posting of Scott Conant’s ridiculously tight suit jackets. He can barely move his arms. It looks like Chris Farley in Tommy Boy doing the “fat guy in a little coat” bit. I’ve never seen such unnatural dress for a tv personality. -Kenneth

Never noticed it. Perhaps that’s because I make it a point to not watch shows that feature actual moving video footage of Scott Conant.

4) Jillian, I just witnessed the creepiest and most disgusting episode of Triple D, called BBQ & MORE. At one point, Guy FERRY actually said: “that was so good, I am going to need to shampoo my goatee.” That was probably the grossest thing I have ever heard on a food show. If you get a chance to view this program (I am advising you not to, or just for sheer curiosity), make sure to have a pen and paper to write down the worst moments (I wish I would have). -Jake

Jake, that does sound horrific. However, I’m in favor of anything that actually gets him to wash his nasty, crusty goatee. That thing looks like it hasn’t seen soap and water since the Reagan administration.

5) I don’t know if you can do anything with it, but I grabbed this lovely image of Ray-Ray over-pronouncing the word “cheese” during the opening segment of the “30 Minute Meals” episode “Never Had It So Good,” broadcast June 11. -Ed

Take it down a notch, Ray-Ray. For real. You’re at a 9. We need you at a 2.

6) I watched the Nate Berkus show with Aaron on the show. He cooked fried okra and served a dipping sauce but the recipe was not given on the air nor was it on the Berkus web site. Please send it to me or tell me where I can find it. Thank you so much, Diana.

Does it say “NATE BERKUS INFORMATIONAL WEBSITE” at the top of this page? BISH PLEASE!

7) Hi Jill, I work for Disney and was appalled by a recent announcement on our company homepage that Sandra Lee just signed a multi-book deal with our publishing house Hyperion. ARE YOU KIDDING?! The drunk of the Food Network getting a bigger opportunity to sell her semi-homemade jokes of a meal? Why do we keep encouraging these mediocre people?! Gah!!! -anonymous

Hyperion published my book Damn You Autocorrect! That means I actually have something in common with Sandra Lee! THE HORROR!

8) Just look at this awful thing-rachael made this on an old episode of 30 min meals, a big wedge of iceberg with cocktail sauce mixed with mayo and tiny shrimp all over it..if she were on next foodnetwork star now as a contender there’s no way the judges would go for this slop! -Beth

Ew. That looks neither Yum-o nor Delish. DO NOT WANT.

9) Jill, two locations of “Soul Daddy”, the restaurant Bobby Flay and the creepy pedo-looking guy from Chipotle picked as America’s Next Great Restaurant, have closed after only two months. The NYC location closed on 6/14 and the LA location closed 6/15. FAIL. -Troy

I’m not surprised! The show got awful ratings, and people hate gimmicks almost as much as people in Savannah hate Paula Deen.

10) If I ever saw this in a skillet, I’d head for the hills. Seriously. If nothing else is worthy of a second take, the Phantom Sandra in the oil certainly is. -Ali

The stuff nightmares are made of!

11) Do you know how I would go about pitching a new food show idea? -M Lavoie

Yeah. I do. First, you come up with a really shitty idea, and/or an idea that’s already been done 25 times before. Then, you start blogging about it. Then, you start shooting videos of yourself blogging about it. Then, you just start E-MAILING RANDOM STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET LOOKING FOR ADVICE until eventually Susie Fogelson responds to you and decides if your face would look good on a jar of marinara.

Good luck with that.

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