Food Network Humor » Letters To FNH

Sandra Lee’s Invading Local Supermarkets [Save Yourselves]

Jillian Madison — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 22:40:47 +0000

Heads up, America: Sandra Lee is apparently now doing “cocktail demonstrations” at local supermarkets! The horror!

I haven’t been to one, but I’m pretty sure the “cocktail demonstration” is probably just her pounding cocktails, and demonstrating how drunk she gets. What is the world coming to?

Thanks to FNH reader Katy, who sent us this hilarious e-mail and these photos as proof:

Jillian,

It was with great alarm that I rounded the aisle of my friendly neighborhood grocery store to find myself face-to-face with Aunty Sandy’s glazed, most likely drunken, gaze. There was her frozen smile emblazoned on the side of giant booze display, cheekily raising a cocktail.

I actually laughed out loud, but my laughter turned to fear when I saw the large sign above the display announcing that “Celebrity Chef Sandra Lee” is going to be IN THE STORE this Saturday!! Not only signing magazines (what magazines?!) but doing a COCKTAIL DEMONSTRATION.

That’s right, Jillian, Sandra Lee is going to be boozing it up in the middle of the day, in the middle of my grocery store. (Not that boozing it up in the middle of the day is anything new for her but for god’s sake, this is a family-friendly store!! She shouldn’t be allowed within 100 feet of the place!!)

I attached some photographic evidence for you, but also need your advise: should I go?? On the plus side, getting to see Aunty Sandy drunk in person would be a once-in-a-lifetime laugh riot. On the other hand, what if I am mistaken for one of her – gulp – fans?? Could I ever live down the shame?? Not to mention what would happen if someone forgets to stock her with Cool Whip, or her earrings don’t match the tablescape…I do not want to see that woman angry. EVER.

What do you think, FNH? Should Katy go to the Sandra Lee “cocktail demonstration?” I VOTE YES!

UPDATE: For anyone going to the Sandra Lee event, it’s at NORTH Ashland… not SOUTH Ashland! Poor Katy found out the hard way. The good news is, she’s on her way there! For the love of all that’s good and holy, Katy, BE CAREFUL.

The Food Network Loves MARScapone

Jillian Madison — Thu, 15 Apr 2010 14:23:38 +0000

I always find it hilarious when the Food Network, the supposed authority on all things culinary, misspells a food related word. Take MASCARPONE, for example. FNH reader Andra recently caught this televised typo and sent it our way:

Hi Jill,
I’ve got last night’s cake and sweets episode of Ultimate Recipe Showdown playing on my DVR while I’m pottering around the house when I hear Rat-Face Fieri call out the next recipe… Lime, Ginger and MARS-capone Cake.

I glanced up at the screen to find that not only did Rat-Face mispronounce it but it was also MISSPELLED. Check out the screen cap in the attached photo.

I laughed out loud and ran straight to e-mail you.

Have a great day,

Andra

Silly Food Network. Mars is a planet. It has nothing to do with the cheese. To prevent future embarrassing spelling errors, I took the liberty of making you this little cheat sheet. Please commit it to memory:

Food Network Humor Voicemails: Part 2

Jillian Madison — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 13:09:27 +0000

FNH Reader E-Mail Of The Week

Jillian Madison — Sun, 21 Mar 2010 23:20:17 +0000

[Ed. note: This is a new Sunday feature that will showcase our favorite FNH reader-submitted email of the last week. Enjoy!]

Dear FNH,

While watching Melissa D’Arabian this morning, I noticed her choice of cookware was a very interesting one – Demeyere. Regarded as some of the best of the best, Demeyere is Belgian-made and doesn’t come cheap. Demeyere pieces are easily distinguishable because the bolts typically securing the handles to a saucepan or skillet on the inside of the pieces are absent. Rather, they are welded to create a truly uninterrupted cooking experience. $10 Dinners my ass. It’s such a fallacy that a budget-centric FN show allow Ms. D’Arabian to indulge her primadonna cookware whimsies. Would someone please throw her some Anolon and get her to show us what a $10 Dinner might really feel like?

Sincerely,

David
(Former cookware store employee and proud owner of two Demeyere pieces he busted his 9-to-5 ass to earn)

—–

Well said, David. We completely agree. The hypocrisy is outrageous. Any host of a show called TEN DOLLAR DINNERS should be forced to use cheap-ass cookware, otherwise the whole thing feels like a put-on. If the producers really wanted Melissa reach an audience of people who are eating $10 dinners, her show would look a little more like this:

These Giada Photos Are So Wrong, Yet So Right

FNH Guest Blogger — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 17:41:55 +0000

[Photos created and submitted by FNH reader Ricardo Cline]

The Story Of One Fan’s Ridiculous Alton Brown Encounter

Jillian Madison — Wed, 03 Feb 2010 14:38:59 +0000

[Ed. note: Most of the time, celebrities are completely clueless about the hoops fans have to jump through in order to meet them. Take Ashli for example, who recently wrote to FNH to share her frustrating story of simply trying to get a book signed by Alton Brown at a BJ's in Georgia last month. According to Ashli, when she finally did meet up with Alton, he cordially spoke with her - and then referred to the female dancers on Dancing With The Stars as "skinny ass bimbos." Oh Alton. You're such a bad ass.]

Hi FNH!

Last month, I went to an Alton Brown event. I took my “Good Eats: The Early Years” book with me for him to sign, but the stupid venue wouldn’t allow me in with it because I had not purchased it there. That pissed me off, but I took it back to my car and then went back in to get in line. However, I was then stopped and told I couldn’t go talk to Alton without having a book. By this point, I was livid, but I went to the book section of the store, picked up a copy of “I’m Just Here for the Food” and went up to the counter to purchase it. Then, the lady tells me that I can’t buy it because I don’t have a membership to the store (BJ’s Wholesale Club). Anyway, at this point, I completely lost it. I was not going to pay $50 for a membership to a store I’d never visit again, plus $25 for a book, when I already had a book for him to sign in my car! I couldn’t hold back my temper anymore and I gave that lady a piece of my mind. I guess she got the message because she then pulled out her own employee membership card and scanned it just so I could get my book.

Anyway, I finally got in line to talk to Alton. There were only about 30 people standing in it at this point (apparently other people were having similar issues to what I’d been having, but they chose to leave). As I got up to Alton and his people, I could hear them apologizing to people and complaining about how the store was running this event. They were making it clear that it wasn’t Alton’s fault of course. I was the last person in line and when I got up to Alton he still had about another hour or so to sit there and sign autographs. Anyway, since no other people were there at the moment, he actually took the time to talk to me. We talked about Mark Dacascos and his stint on “Dancing with the Stars”. Alton’s been asked twice to go on there, but he told me that he “didn’t want to dance with some skinny ass bimbo” and that if he were to go on there and win, he would “lose his status as a badass!” Then after speaking with me for a few moments and posing for a picture, he said, “Now be gone with you!”

Well, I just wanted to share my ridiculous Alton Brown experience with you. I’m including pics from the event. Feel free to use them if you want.

[Ashli, we're sorry you had such an awful experience. And Alton, we're sorry you had to stand in front of that stupid plastic sign and autograph books next to the feminine hygiene aisle.]

FNH E-mail Of The Week

Jillian Madison — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:45:15 +0000

FNH Reader E-Mail Of The Week

Aaaaand, Here We Go Again (More Letters To FNH)

Jillian Madison — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 18:45:00 +0000

Since Food Network debuted Worst Cooks In America, we’ve been getting tons of emails from people asking us how to get on the show. And let me just tell you, SOME OF THESE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY. Join me on a brief journey through my inbox as I go over a few of my favorites, won’t you?

(As usual, my silent commentary will be in red.)

So here’s the story (of a lovely lady, who was bringing up 3 very lovely girls?) I suck…. wait!…. I SUCK!!! at cooking. (And apparently, also at punctuation. But please continue.) So, it is kinda funny that my two son’s Isaac 10 and Christian 6 (Boo Boo Christian) love to watch the food network and pretend they are going to eat all the wonderful things they see on all the shows. (Wait, your son’s name is… Boo Boo Christian? Please tell me you’ve already set up a therapy fund in his name?) My older son started watching when he was 5 (FASCINATING!) He has actually has (?!?!) recorded his own episode of me trying to make pancakes! Not to mention that the little guy will wave the food on T.V. toward him and say “bring it to Pa Pa..” (Gosh, I love hearing detailed stories about kids I’ve never met. Tell me more! Please!) They love to make fun of me and pretend to actually like some things, but truth is I don’t like my food. (So here’s a thought: pick up a cook book or shut up about it.)

So imagine, when they saw the commercial for ” Worst Cooks in America” last night. They flipped out. They started yelling for their Dad and I laughing hysterically (you know that sentence made no sense, right?) They hit rewind and and Isaac said, “ it’s YOU MAMA!” Christian said, “this your show Mommy”. (Here’s the thing, Angi. We don’t live in a world where kids get to put their parents on television.) My husband laughed, turned to me and said, ”this show was made for you. You have to get on there!!” (In case you missed the memo, husbands don’t get a say either.)

Well, I did come from a Mother that thinks burnt hamburger patty’s (patty’s?) and brunt fried Oatmeal are a staple in one’s diet. (Well that’s better than staples being a staple in one’s diet.) So, you can only imagine that it’s only been down hill for me:-( Anyhow, my point is I have got to get on the show!! (And you’re trying to do that by writing a letter to a humor site? Seriously?) What do I do from this point, because this one fit like a glove (or an oven mitt even :-) (I didn’t laugh at that, Angi. Just so you know.) I laugh just thinking about it. Please contact me and thanks for taking the time to read this.

Kind regards,
Angi Espinosa

hi my name is jeff i live st augustine fl and im a single parent my son is 13 and if you ask him I am the wost cook he wont eat my food its not good i think my food is good can I be on the show (Holy crap, Jeff. Take a breath and step away from the keyboard. No one cares that your 13 year old hates your food. He’s 13. He hates everything. So, no. You can’t be on the show. I suggest you instead go back to 2nd grade and learn how to use a period.)

Hi Jill,
I wanted to enter my wife Marcia into the worst food cooking contest and wondered if there is a forum for this. (There sure is! It’s called FOODNETWORK.COM. Are you sure you’re from Harvard?)

She is an avid watcher of your shows (Oh! I have my own shows now! Cool!) and not a bad cook all the time but sometimes she can really cook up a doozie. (Right. But can she pretend she’s never held a knife in her life? If so, she’s a great candidate for the show!)

We always have a backup plan when she cooks…fyi. (Thank you for informing me. I will file that in my brain right next to the other things I don’t really give a shit about.)

Warmest regards and Happy New Year

Dear Paula Deen, Please Stop Selling Your Nasty Pies At Wal-Mart

Jillian Madison — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:30:47 +0000

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow Food Network Humor became THE premiere place for people to bitch about how much they hated the Paula Deen pies they purchased at Wal-Mart. I get several emails a day from Paula’s dissatisfied customers, like this lovely one from Rick. Now I don’t know much about Rick, other than he likes fog, and he feels he could make a better pie than the gross one he got at Wal-Mart:

At this point, I’m hoping one of two things will happen:

1) Paula Deen will stop selling her soggy, nasty pies at Wal-Mart
or 2) People will stop e-mailing me about how much they hated her soggy, nasty pies from Wal-Mart

So this is my plea, dear internet: stop telling me how much you hated your Paula Deen pies and go complain to her directly. I am completely powerless and can’t do anything to help you. Her website is PaulaDeen.com, or you can complain to her on Twitter by clicking here.

THANKS, Y’ALL!

What’s In Our Inbox: E-mails From FNH Readers (Part 6)

Jillian Madison — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 16:31:16 +0000

Here’s a collection of actual e-mails we’ve received from some “interesting” people over the past few weeks, along with our responses in red. We did not alter the emails in any way. The ignorance you’re about to read is real. The names have not been changed to protect the innocent… or the stupid.

1. Margaret wrote in saying:
I would like to have the recipe for the baked meatballs Giada prepared on the show with her Aunt Raffie(?). I do not care one fig about her Aunt’s plunging neckline, etc. just would like to have the recipe for the meatballs.
Oh Margaret, you poor dear. You don’t understand how the internet works, do you. Here, let me save you some time: I made those meatballs last month, and they were more disappointing than an episode of Lassie. I recommend you pay attention to Raffie’s boobs instead. The end result will be far more entertaining.

2. Kathleen wrote in asking:
Where can I buy shrimp and crab cake products in Salisbury, NC area?
Let this be a lesson to all of you bloggers: you make fun of Ina Garten’s shrimp and crab cakes ONCE, and suddenly you’re a food locator. Kathleen, darling, I understand this may be a bit of a stretch, but you might want to try looking for those food products AT YOUR LOCAL GROCERY STORE. And please, pick up some condoms while you’re there.

3. Lee wrote in saying:
I was trying to email Alton Brown but cant find how. (Psst: that usually happens when you’re trying to email A FAMOUS PERSON.) I am not proficient with this machine. (You don’t say!) I think Alton is so interesting with ALL the details he imparts. Thusly (people still say that?) i wonder if he could look at this set of cook books that i found. (I’m sure there’s NOTHING else he’d rather be doing with his time). How wonderful and historical they are. They are named Stories and reciepies (?!?!) of the Great depression of the 1930’s. (Wow, that sounds really uplifting.) i think they would make a great show. (Let’s air it around Christmas!)… Please respond.
You hear that, Alton Brown? Lee’s got some really great cookbooks for you. They’d make a great show!

4. Judy wrote in saying:
Since you guys have changed your menu, I can’t get on Ina Garten’s page, I’m trying to find her menu for the scrambled eggs, hash browns, mimosas, and corn muffins – how do I get to her page and print the recipe – or do you have to buy all her recipes?
Congratulations, Judy – that’s the longest run-on sentence in the history of Food Network Humor.

5. Dorothy wrote in saying:
Hi, I would like to have the Pastry Recipe that Melissa d’Arabian made in the cooking changle. (First, I would like to have a new car. We can’t always get what we want. Second, there’s no need to capitalize the letters P and R in that sentence. Third, and most importantly, the cooking CHANGLE??? Really? Is that run by Bob Tuschman too?) One of the pastry chefs that was at one of the cook off dinners said that was the best Pastry that he ever ate. (Reviews from Melissa’s father don’t count.) And it also did look good. (The movie Glitter looked good too, but we all know how that turned out.) Hope you know what I’m talking about and can get me the recipe. I would be so happy.
Sorry to disappoint you, Dorothy, but you’re not in Kansas anymore – and we’re certainly not the Food Network. But I am looking forward to checking out The Cooking Changle.

6. Rick wrote in saying:
Thank you for Claire Robinson and 5 ingredient fix – (Whoa. Bold? Underlined? Calm down there, Rick. She’s a cooking host, not the Dalai Lama.) what an adorable host and what a great show. Everything she fixes looks delicious – a lot of it, in fact, is delicious. I know first-hand. (How so? Do you hang out around the Food Network dumpsters?) I’m tempted by just about everything she makes and have made many her recipes. She is so engaging, smart, entertaining, VERY funny – just a blast to watch. You’ve got a real jewel on your hands.
LOCK YOUR DOORS, CLAIRE. LOCK YOUR DOORS.

7. Taylor wrote in saying:
Hello, I am a Culinary student at Mvctc in ohio. If Buddy Valastro reads this i would love for him to contact me back. (Right. Because Buddy Valastro reads emails sent to JILL@FOODNETWORKHUMOR.COM.) I am doing a bio or his life. (A bio OR his life? Sounds complicated.) Must be 800 words. (Buddy. Valastro. Makes. Cakes. Damn. Only 4 words. Good luck with the other 796.) It would just be fantastic if he could give me a call, or he could just simply email me back on my school email xxxxxxx@mvctc.com phone number- xxxx. Thanks!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? SERIOUSLY?