Archives for "Letters To FNH"

If you’re looking for some insight about the intelligence of the contestants on Food Network shows, here you go! I just opened my e-mail to find this lovely little gem from Jodi:

Yes, people really are this stupid, And yes, they’re Food Network fans.

Jodi, if you’re reading this, you should have at least mentioned which lame show you wanted to be on, you freaking idiot!

We get a lot of hilarious e-mails, photos, and tips submitted to us every day.  Here’s  a mixed bag collection of Food Network related stuff that’s too good to remain buried in my inbox:

-Photo submitted by Sean. We knew she was at Big Lots, but of course it was only a matter of time before her crap wound up where it really belonged.

-Photo submitted by Michelle. I love Claire. I really do. I think she’s the best thing to happen to the Food Network in a long time. But if I see her mock-blowing one more dick-shaped thing on my television I’m going to lose my shit.

-I don’t read Aarti’s blog, but luckily a few FNH readers do. Apparently, every once and awhile she throws out these totally lame, completely passive-aggressive, thinly-veiled nods to FNH and what total meanies we are. We just got an anonymous tip about a recent entry, in which Aarti wrote: “This time last year, I wasn’t prepared for other people to write/think/say nasty things about me and Brendan. I didn’t see that coming, and good gosh almighty, that hurt! I’m better now but, to those of you writing that stuff, if that’s how you want to spend your time, well… you reap what you sow.”

Well good gosh almighty! Golly gee whiz! We’re glad you’re better now! You’re right about one thing: we will reap what we sow… and that’s the knowledge that we speak our minds freely and have the ability to laugh at ourselves instead of acting like phony, uptight asswads.

Of course, the comments section was filled with her same 50 fans kissing her ass and quoting Bible scripture… except for one lone comment by someone named Dave:

Oh Dave. You don’t even know what you’ve gotten yourself into. Good luck battling the fanatical Aarti Army.

Jean just wrote in to share a review found on Sandra Lee’s abysmal-looking Ham and Cheese Souffle recipe. It was written by a user named lrtabs_12917581. I don’t know how this got by the anal Food Network censors, but here it is:

Sandra Lee’s cooking cures AIDS! Who knew!

Steve spotted The Chairman, who just landed a gig as the new Wo Fat on Hawaii Five-0. I estimate that show will last another 3 weeks before it gets canceled. Enjoy it while you can, people.

Keep those tips and photos coming guys!

Here at FNH, we get a lot of informative, interesting, and just plain hilarious e-mails from our readers. Some of them are so great I felt they should be shared with the world. So now, here’s a glimpse at my email inbox:

1. Jennifer wrote in with a humorous Paula Deen story:
I have a Paula Deen story for you. My dad is now retired & works part time as a TSA screener at the Savannah airport. Paula Deen ALWAYS tries to get through security with the anywhere from 6 – 8 full size glass bottles of whatever liquid crap she’s selling to the butter coma crowd she’s visiting next. And without fail, every single time they are taken away & every single time she has herself a hissy fit about it. Does she think air travel regs don’t apply to her for some reason? When I asked my dad if she was understanding/nice/joking about it, he said “No, she becomes full on belligerent”. He said that they’re all going to start delivering the news by distracting her with a pound of butter while the other agents confiscate the glass jars. Then he ends the conversation by simply saying “Hay-ands”. My mom was watching her show once when I was visiting & Paula said to use your “hay-ands” for mixing to which my dad responded by saying “I didn’t know hands was a two syllable word”. So now whenever Paula’s name is mentioned we both just say “Hay-ands”.

2. Melia found a “Sex Warning” on Good Eats:
The other day while setting up my DVR for the new season of Good Eats, I noticed a new Parental Warning tab under the recording options. Oh yes, “SEX.” Good Eats has a Parental Warning for sex. It said the show contained “sexual innuendos” and other referances that would “fly over younger viewer’s heads”. I CANNOT tell you how funny I found this.

3. Rachel tried to make Guy Fieri look “normal”:

4. Kathryn spotted Paula Deen without makeup:

5. Sarah is tired of Melissa D’Arabian’s stupid tips:
This morning, I happened to catch the very end of an episode of ten dollar dinners. Melissa D’Arabian was making some sort of pineapple/vanilla ice cream dessert. After a few minutes of pointless babble, Melissa starting dropping some of her money saving hints – this time her intellectual gem was to buy the brand of ice cream that was on sale. What a great idea. She quickly added that even if you had to buy two gallons to take advantage of the sale that would be fine, because it “Freezes beautifully.” Wow Melissa, sharing knowledge as priceless as the fact that ice cream freezes is just the sort of tips I’m looking for when watching food network.
….
Continue Reading