What’s the most awful-to-sit-through thing on the Food Network right now? That’s easy! It’s the unfathomably obnoxious Ten Dollar Dinners promo with Melissa d’Arabian!

If you haven’t seen it (and I don’t even think that’s possible unless you’ve been in a coma), here’s some video. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The first time I saw it, I cringed. The second time I saw it, I hit the mute button faster than Anthony Bourdain to a Chase Sapphire card. The third time I saw it, experienced severe light-headedness and tingling in all of my extremities. And now, every time I see it, I feel the uncontrollable need to clutch a sofa cushion and roll into the fetal position. It’s just that bad.

AND NOW, FNH PRESENTS:
THE TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING THINGS
ABOUT THE NEW TEN DOLLAR DINNERS PROMO

10. THE MUSIC. I like techno as much as the next girl, but come on. I thought I was watching the Food Network, not a scene of Brian Kinney getting blown in a nightclub bathroom on Queer As Folk.

9. “WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MANY TIPS I HAVE UP MY SLEEVE!” I don’t think those are “tips” she has up her sleeve. They’re probably just pieces of frozen bacon.

8. “THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.” Really? Now magicians are pulling burnt cassoulets out of pots instead of white rabbits out of hats? Who knew!

7. THE WAY SHE GASPS AT THE PLATE OF NORTH AFRICAN MEATBALLS. Calm down, honey. It’s a meatball, not a winning Powerball ticket. (But then again, I’d probably be gasping for breath if someone put those things in front of me, too.)

6. “WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU MYYYYYY SECRET!” Like how to effectively reduce birth pain with concentrated breathing techniques?

5. “I’LL PUT YOUR COOKING TALENTS ON THE MAP!” Dear God. That’s sooooo lame, it literally hurt to type it.

4. THE FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS. Are they trying to give us all a stroke?

3. THE SHOTS OF HER STUFFING HER FACE WITH HER RANK FOOD. No one needs to see that. No one.

2. “WELCOME TO MY WORLD.” Thanks, but I won’t be going anywhere near your world unless it’s with earplugs and a bottle of strong vodka.

1. THE HIDEOUS, TOOTH-REVEALING GIGGLE AT THE END. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, folks.

From cheesecake to alligator… if it’s edible, chances are Paula Deen’s coated it with batter and dumped it into her deep fryer! Here’s a quick rundown of Paula’s 7 craziest, most overindulgent deep fried recipes, y’all.

(Note: you can click the titles to go to the actual recipe page on FoodNetwork.com. Beware of their pop-up ads and auto-start videos, though.)

1. DEEP FRIED MAC & CHEESE
Watch in amazement, shock, and probable disgust as Paula Deen wraps mac & cheese in bacon, deep fries it to a golden brown, and eats it before your very eyes. According to an FNH reader named Hannah, “I swear to God, only a southern woman could survive that mouthful of heart attack on a stick.”
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2. DEEP FRIED STUFFING ON A STICK

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This is basically a combo of breakfast sausage, crackers, carrots, and celery that’s been battered and fried. It doesn’t look appealing to me, but according to Rachael Ray, it’s on a stick, so KIDS WILL LOVE IT!

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3. FRIED BUTTER BALLS

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Yes, these heart-stopping cholesterol bullets are nothing but butter and cream chunks that have been battered and deep fried. This is just wrong on so many levels. But on the bright side, hey, at least they’re low carb!

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by Branwyn Lancourt of Walrus Comix & The Faster Times

Anthony Bourdain and Frankenstein:
One’s a mute, and the other won’t shut up!

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Emeril Lagasse and Grandpa Al Munster:
One likes pork fat, the other’s an old bat!

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Sandra Lee and Trailer Trash Barbie:
Guess which one’s made of plastic?

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Alton Brown and Thomas Dolby:
They both blinded me with science!

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Bobby Flay and Lucky the Leprechaun:
Now here’s a throwdown I wanna see!

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1. Annoying family members
Enough is enough, Food Network. I’m watching your channel to pick up some new culinary tips… not to watch John Cusimano clumsily following Rachael Ray around a souvenir shop in Hawaii. Here’s a general rule of thumb: if the family members aren’t adding anything of value to the program (I’m looking at you too, Michael Groover), then get ‘em the hell off my television.

2. The same repeats, over and over and over
Just because I missed Sunday’s episode of Barefoot Contessa doesn’t mean I need to see it Monday at 4, Tuesday at 2, Wednesday at 6, and Friday at noon. Why not mix things up a bit? Play a fun episode from last year instead. LET LOOSE. GET CRAAAAZY.

3. Dirty fingernails
Is it really brain surgery, chefs? You’re cooking on television. Frequent close-ups of your hands are a virtual necessity. I think I speak on behalf of America when I say no one really needs to see the residual dirt under your fingernails from your brief stint in the garden yesterday.

4. Sunglasses on the back of Guy Fieri’s head
Better yet, just ban him from wearing sunglasses altogether. Let the bitch squint. I don’t care. Television – and humanity as a whole – will be much better off.

5. Constant reminders that food smells good
You can’t watch the Food Network for 5 minutes without hearing some schmuck carrying on about how good their simmering garlic smells. “Ooooh, this smells SOOOO good. Mmmmm!” Guess what? It’s garlic. It’s cooking in olive oil. No shit it smells good. I don’t need to see you borderline orgasming over the odor to clue me in to that fact. Come up with another way to get me excited about your stupid chicken dish.

6. Food Network Challenges
No one likes this boring show, so why does Food Network insist on airing it at least 5 times a day? It’s simply awful. If you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen ‘em all. You can only watch Buddy Valastro trying to animate a Santa Claus for so long before you actually start feeling your brain cells dying. Oh, and spoiler alert: Bronwen Weber wins.

7. Paula Deen overdosing on Y’ALL
Paula Deen clearly excels as some things, like cooking with butter, avoiding encounters with dog poo in her home, and slipping the word Y’ALL into a conversation as much as humanly possible. Here’s a typical Paula Deen sentence: “Hey y’all, today on Paula’s Best Dishes y’all, we’re cookin FISH Y’ALL. And y’all… (pause to lick something off fingers)…  y’all just ain’t gonna believe how easy it is, y’all.” Um, okay. We get it. You live in Georgia. We don’t need to be reminded of that 25 times every minute, so here’s what I’m proposing: the Food Network needs to set and enforce a strict limit of no more than 5 Y’ALLs per episode. Less is more, Paula. Less is more.

8. The Neely’s constantly asking each other for “brown sugar”
…and then giggling about it to the camera for 15 seconds. That term was funny once. In 1992. But now it’s just annoying.

9. People talking with their mouths full
Get some freakin’ class. Were you raised by a pack of wolves? Frankly, all of the Food Network full mouth talkers are disgusting… but none of them more so than Guy Fieri.  He’s the worst. Few things on television disgust me more than his behavior on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Every time he takes a bite of food, the cameras zoom in on his greasy face and he starts talking – mouth full, of course – about how juicy and “on point” it is. You know, I was intrigued by the food until I saw what it looked like splattered on the camera lens after your SALIVA STARTED BREAKING IT DOWN, you disgusting pig.

10. Ina Garten’s same 3 gay friends
For Christ’s sake, Ina. Do the world a favor. Go to a gay pride parade. Pick up some interesting new gays. Because if I have to watch Michael arranging hydrangeas one more time, I’ll lose my mind.

So there’s my list, FNH. What don’t YOU want to see on the Food Network in 2010?

If you’re shopping for a foodie this holiday season, you might want to think twice before surprising them with one of these little gems:

RACHAEL RAY SWITCHPLATE COVER

Why you should avoid it: No one needs to associate “Rachael Ray” with being “turned on.”  (via)

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PAULA DEEN MAKES A POT ROAST DOLL

Why you should avoid it: That pot roast looks like a tumor I saw on ER once. (via)

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ETHNIC COLONEL SANDERS SALT/PEPPER SHAKERS

Why you should avoid it: Nothing screams “don’t give me as a gift” quite like the KFC’s Colonel Sanders in blackface. No words. No words whatsoever. (via)

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99 PROBLEMS OVEN MIT

That’s funny, ’cause I got 99 things to re-gift, and my new oven mitt is one. (via)

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Today I spent a few minutes searching Food Network’s website for some creative new dishes to try this Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I didn’t find anything other than 5 of the most aesthetically disgusting looking dishes I’ve ever seen in my life. I can’t imagine serving them to my family and friends on ANY day of the year, let alone Thanksgiving.

How bad are they? You be the judge.

WHAT IT IS: Ina Garten’s Cranberry Fruit Conserve WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Earthworms, brains, and various other partially digested contents of Andrew Zimmern’s stomach

WHAT IT IS: Ina Garten’s Roasted Brussel Sprouts WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Disgusting larvae. Alternatively, 3-year old dog poo.

WHAT IT IS: Roasted Vegetable Galette WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: A festering, oozing, open wound that requires surgery and a skin graft to remedy.

WHAT IT IS: Emeril’s Garlic Dandelion Greens WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: Two words – HORSE VOM.

…AND THE MOST DISGUSTING LOOKING “THANKSGIVING”
SEARCH RESULT ON FOODNETWORK.COM IS:

WHAT IT IS: Rachael Ray’s Roasted Fingerling Potatoes

WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE: NASTY, WIGGLING COCOONS THAT ARE MOMENTS FROM HATCHING. Sick! Just looking at these “potatoes” makes me feel seriously ill.

Looks like it might be time to hire a few talented photographers and/or food stylists, eh Food Network?