20 accidentally phallic fried foods to make your inner 12 year old laugh:

(image via)

(image via)

(image via)

Put down your boring can of Pepsi and check out what people around the world are drinking!

This is made using the nests of cave dwelling birds. The birds basically vomit a sticky goo into their nests, and the goo firmly attaches the nest to the cave wall. This is considered a delicacy in China, even though the bird spit reportedly tastes musty and has the consistency of snot.
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They call this a “synthetic blood substitute” – complete with iron, protein, and electrolytes. It has the look and consistency of real blood, and it comes in a blood pouch. Available for sale here.

Warning: there are some gross photos ahead!
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I haven’t had much time to watch the Food Network this week, so instead, here’s a collection of 40 foods and beverages with hilariously unfortunate names. Some of them are foreign, and you can tell things definitely got lost in translation:

It’s a slow news day, so I thought I’d take this opportunity to talk about one of my favorite shows: Celebrity Apprentice. This season, the same 3 thoughts have been crossing my mind every week while watching:

1) Summer Sanders is a celebrity? Really?

2) Why is my old college tennis coach sitting at a table with Donald Trump? Oh, nevermind, it’s just Rod Blagojevich.

and 3) Would it kill Curtis Stone to buy another apron?

Curtis seems like a lovely guy and all, and you could probably use his washboard abs to scrub a sack of potatoes clean, but I’m just not feeling him on this season of Celebrity Apprentice. Aside from an impromptu heel kick on the streets of NYC for a Kodak challenge, he’s been one-dimensional, corny, and quite boring to watch. Oh, look! He’s wearing his black and white pinstripe apron and make goofy faces at the camera again! Yawn. I’m over it.

Sorry, Curtis, but these are the 4 celebrity chefs I would rather have seen on this season of Celebrity Apprentice:
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He’s intelligent, he’s interesting, he’s down to Earth, and he doesn’t have any tacky aprons to speak of (which is a good thing). Andrew’s also a great conversationalist, so luring people off the streets and into the mens’ activities wouldn’t be difficult at all. And if the show ever got boring, Andrew could just spice things up by eating a live cockroach fresh off the streets of NYC. Now that’s entertainment!
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I don’t know about you, but I’ve never seen Sandra Lee doing anything that didn’t involve a cocktail, a crock pot, or a crayon. Is she even capable of holding a normal conversation with an adult? Could she contribute anything meaningful to the challenges? Would she refer to Donald Trump’s hairstyle as “super super simple” or “soooo delicious?” I’d love to find out.
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What’s the most awful-to-sit-through thing on the Food Network right now? That’s easy! It’s the unfathomably obnoxious Ten Dollar Dinners promo with Melissa d’Arabian!

If you haven’t seen it (and I don’t even think that’s possible unless you’ve been in a coma), here’s some video. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The first time I saw it, I cringed. The second time I saw it, I hit the mute button faster than Anthony Bourdain to a Chase Sapphire card. The third time I saw it, experienced severe light-headedness and tingling in all of my extremities. And now, every time I see it, I feel the uncontrollable need to clutch a sofa cushion and roll into the fetal position. It’s just that bad.

AND NOW, FNH PRESENTS:
THE TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING THINGS
ABOUT THE NEW TEN DOLLAR DINNERS PROMO

10. THE MUSIC. I like techno as much as the next girl, but come on. I thought I was watching the Food Network, not a scene of Brian Kinney getting blown in a nightclub bathroom on Queer As Folk.

9. “WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MANY TIPS I HAVE UP MY SLEEVE!” I don’t think those are “tips” she has up her sleeve. They’re probably just pieces of frozen bacon.

8. “THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.” Really? Now magicians are pulling burnt cassoulets out of pots instead of white rabbits out of hats? Who knew!

7. THE WAY SHE GASPS AT THE PLATE OF NORTH AFRICAN MEATBALLS. Calm down, honey. It’s a meatball, not a winning Powerball ticket. (But then again, I’d probably be gasping for breath if someone put those things in front of me, too.)

6. “WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU MYYYYYY SECRET!” Like how to effectively reduce birth pain with concentrated breathing techniques?

5. “I’LL PUT YOUR COOKING TALENTS ON THE MAP!” Dear God. That’s sooooo lame, it literally hurt to type it.

4. THE FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS. Are they trying to give us all a stroke?

3. THE SHOTS OF HER STUFFING HER FACE WITH HER RANK FOOD. No one needs to see that. No one.

2. “WELCOME TO MY WORLD.” Thanks, but I won’t be going anywhere near your world unless it’s with earplugs and a bottle of strong vodka.

1. THE HIDEOUS, TOOTH-REVEALING GIGGLE AT THE END. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, folks.