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by Branwyn Lancourt of Walrus Comix & The Faster Times

Anthony Bourdain and Frankenstein:
One’s a mute, and the other won’t shut up!

Emeril Lagasse and Grandpa Al Munster:
One likes pork fat, the other’s an old bat!

Sandra Lee and Trailer Trash Barbie:
Guess which one’s made of plastic?

Alton Brown and Thomas Dolby:
They both blinded me with science!

Bobby Flay and Lucky the Leprechaun:
Now here’s a throwdown I wanna see!

1. Annoying family members
Enough is enough, Food Network. I’m watching your channel to pick up some new culinary tips… not to watch John Cusimano clumsily following Rachael Ray around a souvenir shop in Hawaii. Here’s a general rule of thumb: if the family members aren’t adding anything of value to the program (I’m looking at you too, Michael Groover), then get ‘em the hell off my television.

2. The same repeats, over and over and over
Just because I missed Sunday’s episode of Barefoot Contessa doesn’t mean I need to see it Monday at 4, Tuesday at 2, Wednesday at 6, and Friday at noon. Why not mix things up a bit? Play a fun episode from last year instead. LET LOOSE. GET CRAAAAZY.

3. Dirty fingernails
Is it really brain surgery, chefs? You’re cooking on television. Frequent close-ups of your hands are a virtual necessity. I think I speak on behalf of America when I say no one really needs to see the residual dirt under your fingernails from your brief stint in the garden yesterday.

4. Sunglasses on the back of Guy Fieri’s head
Better yet, just ban him from wearing sunglasses altogether. Let the bitch squint. I don’t care. Television – and humanity as a whole – will be much better off.

5. Constant reminders that food smells good
You can’t watch the Food Network for 5 minutes without hearing some schmuck carrying on about how good their simmering garlic smells. “Ooooh, this smells SOOOO good. Mmmmm!” Guess what? It’s garlic. It’s cooking in olive oil. No shit it smells good. I don’t need to see you borderline orgasming over the odor to clue me in to that fact. Come up with another way to get me excited about your stupid chicken dish.

6. Food Network Challenges
No one likes this boring show, so why does Food Network insist on airing it at least 5 times a day? It’s simply awful. If you’ve seen one episode, you’ve seen ‘em all. You can only watch Buddy Valastro trying to animate a Santa Claus for so long before you actually start feeling your brain cells dying. Oh, and spoiler alert: Bronwen Weber wins.

7. Paula Deen overdosing on Y’ALL
Paula Deen clearly excels as some things, like cooking with butter, avoiding encounters with dog poo in her home, and slipping the word Y’ALL into a conversation as much as humanly possible. Here’s a typical Paula Deen sentence: “Hey y’all, today on Paula’s Best Dishes y’all, we’re cookin FISH Y’ALL. And y’all… (pause to lick something off fingers)…  y’all just ain’t gonna believe how easy it is, y’all.” Um, okay. We get it. You live in Georgia. We don’t need to be reminded of that 25 times every minute, so here’s what I’m proposing: the Food Network needs to set and enforce a strict limit of no more than 5 Y’ALLs per episode. Less is more, Paula. Less is more.

8. The Neely’s constantly asking each other for “brown sugar”
…and then giggling about it to the camera for 15 seconds. That term was funny once. In 1992. But now it’s just annoying.

9. People talking with their mouths full
Get some freakin’ class. Were you raised by a pack of wolves? Frankly, all of the Food Network full mouth talkers are disgusting… but none of them more so than Guy Fieri.  He’s the worst. Few things on television disgust me more than his behavior on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Every time he takes a bite of food, the cameras zoom in on his greasy face and he starts talking – mouth full, of course – about how juicy and “on point” it is. You know, I was intrigued by the food until I saw what it looked like splattered on the camera lens after your SALIVA STARTED BREAKING IT DOWN, you disgusting pig.

10. Ina Garten’s same 3 gay friends
For Christ’s sake, Ina. Do the world a favor. Go to a gay pride parade. Pick up some interesting new gays. Because if I have to watch Michael arranging hydrangeas one more time, I’ll lose my mind.

So there’s my list, FNH. What don’t YOU want to see on the Food Network in 2010?