Archives for "New Rules"

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New Rules For The Food Network
Posted on March 22nd 2012

boitano-scooter-club

New Rule: If Brian Boitano wants people to stop speculating about his sexuality, he has to stop throwing “sausage shindigs” for “secret societies.”  Newsflash, Boitano: people aren’t going to strictly focus on the food when you’re dropping homoerotic double entendres like salcows every 15 seconds. If you don’t want sexuality to be an issue, perhaps in the future you should leave out the jokes about spreading your “secret sauce” all over the food you’re preparing for those sweaty 300-pound scooter fanatics in head-to-toe leather.

 


claire robinson rachael ray

New Rule: Enough with the stupid pop-up ads in the bottom corner! They take up half the screen, and they are obnoxious. I enjoy Claire Robinson as much as the next girl, but I don’t need to be reminded EVERY 45 SECONDS that her show is coming on 3 hours from now. At the very least, use another photo of poor Claire. The vest + the pose = Paula Poundstone circa 1995.


fieri vodka

New Rule: Stop showing me how to make alcoholic beverages! These days, everyone from Guy Fieri to Sunny Anderson is whipping out the vodka bottle and making a “cocktail.” Newsflash, Food Network chefs: it was fucking retarded when Sandra Lee did it, and it’s fucking retarded now. Stop it.


rachael ray john cusimano

New Rule: Leave the husbands at home! It’s bad enough a channel named THE FOOD NETWORK has an entire show devoted to airing Rachael Ray’s boring travel videos, but John Cusimano’s presence makes it even worse. I’m sure he’s a lovely man, but Earth to the Food Network: HE’S NOT FAMOUS! HE’S NOT A CHEF! AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM! Does Oprah bring Stedman everywhere she goes? No! She just throws his name around every once and awhile so people won’t think she’s sleeping with Gayle King. Learn from the master, Rachael. Learn from the master.

New Rules »

New Rules For Foodies
Posted on September 21st 2009

A few new rules for our friends who aren’t on the Food Network:


NEW RULE:

Top Chef has to stop casting annoying, whiny lesbians who complain about everything. They’re giving lesbians a bad name. And besides, it’s a cooking competition – not an audition to become an Indigo Girl.


NEW RULE:

Adam Richman has to stop flashing those stupid MVF gang signs at the end of every episode. I don’t know if he’s happy about eating his his whole hamburger, or if he just carjacked my grandmother.

NEW RULE:

Gordan Ramsay needs to come up with some new clever new insults, or move back to England. Here in America, when you stand around screaming “STUPID COW” at the top or your lungs, it doesn’t make you funny. It makes you Old MacDonald.

NEW RULE:

Everyone must immediately stop referring to Anthony Bourdain as the “bad boy of food.” Why is he so bad? Because he gets drunk at work and makes fun of Sandra Lee? Face it, the man is pushing 60. He’s not the bad boy of anything, except Centrum Silver.

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(if you liked these, you can find many more pop culture New Rules over at Pophangover)

General: Food Network, New Rules »

NEW RULES (part 1)
Posted on February 23rd 2009

New Rules


NEW RULE:

The Food Network must immediately stop calling Noah Starr a “tech guru.” He READS EMAILS OFF OF A COMPUTER. My dog could do that. Until he starts doing something even remotely impressive, let’s call him what he really is: “Annoying TV co-host with name that makes him sound like a rejected porn star.”


NEW RULE:

A 4-oz bottle of vanilla extract isn’t allowed to cost $14. It is crushed vanilla bean mixed with alcohol and corn syrup. Why is it so expensive? The price is so high, last week I saw Snoop Dogg pourin’ out an ounce for his dead homies.


NEW RULE:

Minute Rice needs to change its name to something more honest… like “THIS SHIT NEVER COOKS” rice. I tried to cook some last night, but after 60 minutes, it was still harder than Ron Jeremy. Something’s gotta give. If I wanted to stand around for 2 hours waiting to eat dinner, I’d go to Olive Garden.

NEW RULE:

Fat people aren’t allowed to write weight loss books. American Idol judge Randy Jackson recently published a book called “The No-Nonsense Guide to Getting Fit, Eating Better, and Living Longer.” Sure, because there’s nothing like getting dieting advice and tips on how to live longer from a fat man with type II diabetes. What’s next, Ellen Degeneres with a book on how to meet men?

NEW RULE:

People who appear on reality cooking shows have to actually have COOKING EXPERIENCE. Most of the contestants on shows like Hells Kitchen and Next Food Network Star have spent less time in the kitchen than a Jewish housewife. Besides, if I wanted advice from someone who didn’t know what the hell they were talking about, I’d turn on Dr. Phil.


NEW RULE:

Paula Deen needs to just have a heart attack and get it over with. Sticks of butter… the deep fryer… heavy cream… and that’s just the salad. I haven’t seen that much grease since the time I let Lionel Richie borrow my pillow.


NEW RULE:

Waiters and waitresses have to stop reciting the 20 minute long list of specials. Like I give a shit. If I cared what your chef was doing with his meat tonight, I would have followed him into the mens room.

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(if you liked these, you can find many more of our New Rules over at Pophangover)


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