Archives for "Reader Submitted Posts"

[Note from Jillian: I haven't been watching Halloween Wars. Luckily, FNH reader Sabrina has been. She's also been recapping the past few episodes on her site. Here's an abridged version - but head over to her blog to check out the whole thing!]

Hello Boys and Ghouls. I hadn’t intended to do a recap of any Food network show  (a bunch of people enter the stage, they make shit, someone gets money and we all feel a bit dirtier for it) but this is Halloween stuff and I’ll happily take the bullet if a spider or witch is involved.

Upon watching Halloween Wars, right off the bat (snicker, I said bat cause it’s Halloween and throwing around terrible puns is the best the FN writers can do), you feel a slight stinging in your eyes, your skin goes clammy, and you get short of breath as an ominous voice echoes across the $20 set they clearly stole from some kindergarten’s play about the Three Little Pigs.

Then, your worst fears are realized. Your own personal death is hosting this show:

It’s the douchebag from Cupcake Wars, a show much like the Black Death that creeps in on grim reaper wings and next thing you know you’re bleeding out of every orifice watching your loved ones convulse, screaming about Red Velvet.

I always wondered what Death looked like. For some reason I never pictured a Sears blazer, spiked hair from a 90′s boy band and some of the most excruciating puns this side of a bubble gum wrapper.

There are, of course, also the requisite judges whom the Network keeps locked up in the closet. There’s the Ice Queen who has to hate everything because that’s her idea of criticism. The Asian Kerry Vincent if you will.

And there’s the “he knows nothing about food or working in the food industry but he did some shit with Pirates. You know, that movie franchise that should have stopped after the first one, so he’s the scary expert” guy.

Finally, because you can’t have an evil triumvirate without three people, they picked up someone’s grandfather who was wandering around a Menards trying to get help to fix his old rotary phone.

Actually, that’s every 6 year old’s favorite author, RL Stine. He mostly sits there, staying as far away from Proto-Vincent as he can, trying to get a plug or two in for some book.

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This was written and submitted by FNH reader Clyde. Remember this is ultimately a WORK OF SATIRE to point out how ridiculous the show is. Be responsible! /end lecture

Take a sip if:

-        One of the team’s partners is a relative

-        A team boasts that it is the best

-        One or more of the teams is wearing pink

-        One or more of the teams is wearing tutus

-        A male team member is wearing a mullet

-        One of the team members is wearing a flower in her/his hair

-        A team member says “they didn’t come here to lose.”

-        Finish the entire drink if Justin Willman makes a stupid joke/quip while counting down the time

-        A team creates a cupcake batter that cannot possibly be made, baked or cooled in the time allowed

-        A team complains about oven cooking time

-        A team serves a cupcake they know is under/overdone

-        A team that serves an under/overdone cupcake moves to the next round

-        A teams adds meat to its cupcake (batter or frosting)

-        The judges actually like meat cupcakes

-        A team’s buttercream frosting rolls off the cupcake

-        A team makes a red velvet cupcake

-        Candice is not condescending

-        The guest judge might know something about baking

-        A judge complains about not tasting an ingredient

-        You believe the carpenters actually finish the displays in two hours

-        You believe the teams actually get a thousand cupcakes on the display in time

-        Finish the entire drink if a carpenter does NOT have a beard or is NOT wearing a plaid shirt

-        The winner looks like Barbie

-        The owner of the cupcake shop says that winning will “put them on the map”

-        The display at the event has obviously been modified from what was in the studio

-        The owner of the cupcake shop is obviously drunk at the event