What’s the most awful-to-sit-through thing on the Food Network right now? That’s easy! It’s the unfathomably obnoxious Ten Dollar Dinners promo with Melissa d’Arabian!

If you haven’t seen it (and I don’t even think that’s possible unless you’ve been in a coma), here’s some video. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The first time I saw it, I cringed. The second time I saw it, I hit the mute button faster than Anthony Bourdain to a Chase Sapphire card. The third time I saw it, experienced severe light-headedness and tingling in all of my extremities. And now, every time I see it, I feel the uncontrollable need to clutch a sofa cushion and roll into the fetal position. It’s just that bad.

AND NOW, FNH PRESENTS:
THE TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING THINGS
ABOUT THE NEW TEN DOLLAR DINNERS PROMO

10. THE MUSIC. I like techno as much as the next girl, but come on. I thought I was watching the Food Network, not a scene of Brian Kinney getting blown in a nightclub bathroom on Queer As Folk.

9. “WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MANY TIPS I HAVE UP MY SLEEVE!” I don’t think those are “tips” she has up her sleeve. They’re probably just pieces of frozen bacon.

8. “THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.” Really? Now magicians are pulling burnt cassoulets out of pots instead of white rabbits out of hats? Who knew!

7. THE WAY SHE GASPS AT THE PLATE OF NORTH AFRICAN MEATBALLS. Calm down, honey. It’s a meatball, not a winning Powerball ticket. (But then again, I’d probably be gasping for breath if someone put those things in front of me, too.)

6. “WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU MYYYYYY SECRET!” Like how to effectively reduce birth pain with concentrated breathing techniques?

5. “I’LL PUT YOUR COOKING TALENTS ON THE MAP!” Dear God. That’s sooooo lame, it literally hurt to type it.

4. THE FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS. Are they trying to give us all a stroke?

3. THE SHOTS OF HER STUFFING HER FACE WITH HER RANK FOOD. No one needs to see that. No one.

2. “WELCOME TO MY WORLD.” Thanks, but I won’t be going anywhere near your world unless it’s with earplugs and a bottle of strong vodka.

1. THE HIDEOUS, TOOTH-REVEALING GIGGLE AT THE END. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, folks.

If blatantly shilling for the Chase Sapphire card on a recent episode of No Reservations wasn’t enough to strip Anthony Bourdain of his “culinary bad boy” status, I submit this to you: a preview video of him awkwardly butchering scripted lines as “Doctor Tony” in an upcoming appearance on a Nickelodeon show called Yo Gabba Gabba:

“Your temperature is pretty high, Tooti! It looks like you’ve gotten food poisoning from one of Rachael Ray’s recipes!” Poor thing.

You can watch all of the coolness being stripped from Dr. Tony on Yo Gabba Gabba March 10th on Nickelodeon.

Anthony Bourdain. Mister cool. Mister hip. Mister “I’m just here to make good television.” Mister “fuck corporate America.” Mister…… CHASE SAPPHIRE CARD USER?

Oh yes. You see, last night’s Istanbul episode featured one of the corniest, most blatant examples of product placement in the history of television. After dinner at a local restaurant, Tony offered to pay the check. He said, “let me get this” – and the camera zoomed in on a gleaming Chase Sapphire Card. Oh Tony! Oh no you didn’t! (finger snap)

Obviously, product placement is nothing new. It’s an advertising technique commonly used by several major networks. I just never thought I’d see it being used mid-episode by Anthony Bourdain of all people. Through the years, he established trust with his viewers by subtly convincing us the corporate bullshit would always be clearly separated from his commentary. That wasn’t the case here at all. Sure, he had a deal with Bing last year, but that was a sponsorship and it didn’t feel nearly as sell-outish as this did.

Our friends over at Someecards just sent us one of their newest images, mocking the upcoming Meryl Streep movie Julie & Julia:

We can relate. None of us here have even the slightest desire to see a movie about some random blogger who spends her days blogging about her love of some other woman’s recipes. Yawn. Not to take anything away from the legend that is Julia Child, but this flick sounds like a laughless SNOOZEFEST of epic proportions.

What’s wrong, Meryl? You didn’t feel like making The River Wild 2?

(Like the card? Send it to a friend at Someecards!)

I never liked the Burger King mascot. Something about that big plastic face and all that creepy, contrived silence always sent a shiver down my spine. Sure, maybe he seemed at least somewhat likable back when he was serving people breakfast in bed. But these days, he’s sneaking into bedrooms and terrifying sleeping people. What gives? We understand Burger King is trying to cater to the college crowd and to the 17 adults who liked Jackass on MTV, but they’ve totally missed the point. Air-horning people awake doesn’t make you cool or edgy. It makes you a total douchebag.

Sorry, King. The shark hath officially been jumped.

I was just looking at Alan Richman’s Top 25 Pizzas in the USA, and once again, Pepe’s Pizza in New Haven Connecticut made the list. This isn’t surprising, because it’s on many “Best Pizza” lists, and has even been featured on the Food Network several times.

What I’d like to know is… WHY? Why does this awful pizza place keep getting featured on TV and in magazines?  Pepe’s pizza sucks. Don’t you food critics have taste buds, or did they all disintegrate after your last meal at The Lady & Sons? Are you buying into the “it’s on a lot of best pizza lists, so it must be good” hype? Or are you all just 3rd cousins twice removed from the Pepe family?

Here’s the thing: I live in Connecticut. I’ve waited in the lines. I’ve feasted on the various “world famous” pizza pies. And I’ve left disappointed, every time.  Sure the place is filled with history, and yes, they cook in a coal oven, but so what? The result is a tired, dated restaurant and pizzas that are so chewy you can hardly swallow them. The truth is, Pepe’s serves the worst pizza I have ever eaten in my life (and I’ve eaten some pretty bad pizza all over the world).

Unfortunately, the problems with this restaurant go far beyond their inedible crust:

1. You’re not allowed to set foot into the restaurant until there’s a table ready for you, yet the only waiting area is a 3×8 coat closet that reeks of body odor, ammonia, and vomit. You’re resigned to standing there, like a child being punished, until a rude waitress pops her head through the door and motions  for you.

2. The staff is rude and the “service” is poor. They act like they’re doing you a favor by taking your order. They huff and puff if you ask a simple question. And just a tip: don’t dare ask for a straw, unless you want to be looked at with the contempt of an axe murderer.

3. I’ll deal with standing around for hours, and I’m willing to endure rude service, IF the food is really good. However, PEPE’S PIZZA IS DISGUSTING. I can not emphasize that enough.  On our last trip there, we ordered a large cheese pizza. What we received was a dry, cheeseless, virtually tasteless pie. This is the norm at Pepe’s, not the exception. The dough is so chewy and hard that you can hardly swallow it. The crust, which is usually one of my favorite parts, is completely inedible. The cheese is exceptionally salty. The tomato sauce is bland. All you taste is soot from the coal oven and salt from the cheap cheese, and it’s simply awful.

Check out this video we shot at Pepe’s during our last visit and make up your own mind. Does THIS look like some of tthe world’s best pizza – or cardboard that was just flattened in a compressor at the dump? Look at it! IT DOESN’T EVEN BEND! And that’s not a good thing. It’s more dried up than Jerry Seinfeld’s career.

(Have you eaten at Pepe’s? What did you think? Who serves your favorite pizza? Personally, I can’t get enough of the slices at Cafe Metro and Ray’s in NYC.)

Did you know Guy Fieri has an entire “Knuckle Sandwich” product line? Yes indeed! Guy “the tool” Fieri is currently hawking tacky t-shirts, aprons, bandanas, and hats with his ugly Knuckle Sandwich logo emblazoned on them.

While the t-shirts are indeed hideous, the most ridiculous product is the Knuckle Sandwich SWEATBAND: a pilly, dirty looking black thing with an image of a hand squeezing a sandwich with enough force to turn it into a diamond.

(note: to maximize the annoying factor of the logo, Fieri made sure there was a gigantic gold ring on the pinky finger.)

Question: How in love with Guy Fieri would one have to be to buy this nasty thing? And who is his target SWEATBAND audience? Frightening Fieri superfans, Biggest Loser contestants, or chefs like Tyler Florence who can’t boil water without sweating profusely?

I can just hear the infomercial for it now: “Do you like cooking, but just can’t seem to prepare a meal without dripping sweat all over the place? Does the physicality of all that chopping and mixing send your sweat glands into overdrive? No problem! Buy a signature GUY FIERI SWEATBAND!” And then strangle yourself with it.

During a moment of weakness at my local grocery store, I picked up some of Paula Deen’s Handcooked Virginia Peanuts  with “House” seasoning. The side of the can proudly proclaims that these plump Virginia peanuts are from an old Southern recipe, and were hand-cooked and “sprinkled with Paula’s special blend of seasonings, y’all!”

Right above that, in all capital letters, said “FROM MY KITCHEN TO YOURS.” Really? Did Paula relocate? Because the product itself is made in Virginia, not in Georgia where Paula and her annoying sons Jamie and Bobby reside.

Upon opening the can of the “House blend” Peanuts, I realized that these were the largest peanuts I had ever laid my eyes on. They had an odd orange tint to them, sort of like Carson Daly, but chunkier looking. I decided to take the plunge and eat a few at once instead of the normal cautious nibble I give most things. What the hell, y’all! Throw caution to the wind – it’s Paula Deen!

Not so fast. Within seconds, my mouth began puckering up from the overwhelming amount of salt and seasoning on these things. I instinctively reached for some water, but it did nothing to rid my mouth of the vile taste the over-sized nuts left behind. I don’t know exactly whose “HOUSE” these seasonings were blended from, but  I can guarantee they had a roach problem.

While the taste was indeed bad, the texture and odor were worse. The nuts were hard, oily, and smelled like 3-day old Taco Bell.  Sorry, Paula your nuts have got to go.

…how bad are these things? I’ll put it to you this way: I cooked it over a week ago, and the pungent stench that it left behind in my kitchen still lingers in the folds of my memory, and haunts my sleep in the night.

At first, I was quite excited by the premise of the Hormel Compleat. “Wow,” I thought. “A 90 second meal that is low in calories… AND has a clever name!” Ah, I was so young and naive then. My excitement started dwindling as soon as I started struggling with the packaging. The actual plastic food bowl is encased in a thick cardboard that is really hard to remove. And after giving the product a second look, I couldn’t help but wonder just how many preservatives it takes for a meat product to NOT REQUIRE REFRIGERATION (the shelf life of a Hormel Compleat seems to be around 8-10 months).

The directions on the package told me to poke a hole in the plastic film, and I complied. Honestly, I hardly got the knife out of the container before THE STENCH started filling the air. I had no idea such a putrid, rotten, intense smell could emit from such a tiny hole.

I took a deep breath, and proceeded. Hormel is insistant the meal will be “complete” in 90 seconds – however, that must only be true if you’re on the core of the sun. I had to cook mine for 3+ minutes. And here’s where it got really scary – I removed the film entirely, revealing a murky, grainy pool of gravy and a portion of mashed potatoes that literally looked like the brain of an unidentified farm animal. The potatoes were dry and thick and the overall presentation was like “an english muffin sitting on top of a brown cesspool.” Even worse, once you try to stir the potatoes into the gravy, you can kiss ‘em goodbye. They dissolve into the gravy and cause the mixture to ooze over the bowl sides.

AND THE SMELL! To think I thought it was bad when I had only poked a small hole in it! Let me tell you a story: with the entire film removed, it smelled like my kitchen was suddenly transformed into a factory that produced Purina Wet Dog Chow. It reeked of dog food, mixed with the stench of a bloated trash bag in a dumpster on a hot summer day. Unfortunately, I’m not exaggerating.

The meat bits are cut and processed into cubes (I counted a whopping 3). Hormel also threw in a few bonus pieces of slimy mushrooms that were so thin, I could see light pass through them.

So how did it taste? Don’t ask. I took two bites and was unable to continue. I couldn’t swallow it without gagging. Your mileage may vary. I thought I detected hints of teriyaki and curry powder. What’s actually in it? I have no clue. Hormel only lists “flavoring and spices” in the ingredients. Hmmm. Your guess is as good as mine.

Bottom line: I would not eat this if it was the only thing I could eat all day. The smell is worse than dog food and garbage, and it looks as aesthetically pleasing as a plate of fresh brains. Do people really eat this and enjoy it? Wait – was I just punked?

Please enjoy the following bonus video – it contains ACTUAL FOOTAGE of our experience with the Hormel Compleat as described in this review.

Hormel Compleats from pophangover