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If you haven’t seen it (and I don’t even think that’s possible unless you’ve been in a coma), here’s some video. Roll that beautiful bean footage!

The first time I saw it, I cringed. The second time I saw it, I hit the mute button faster than Anthony Bourdain to a Chase Sapphire card. The third time I saw it, experienced severe light-headedness and tingling in all of my extremities. And now, every time I see it, I feel the uncontrollable need to clutch a sofa cushion and roll into the fetal position. It’s just that bad.

AND NOW, FNH PRESENTS:
THE TOP TEN MOST ANNOYING THINGS
ABOUT THE NEW TEN DOLLAR DINNERS PROMO

10. THE MUSIC. I like techno as much as the next girl, but come on. I thought I was watching the Food Network, not a scene of Brian Kinney getting blown in a nightclub bathroom on Queer As Folk.

9. “WAIT UNTIL YOU SEE HOW MANY TIPS I HAVE UP MY SLEEVE!” I don’t think those are “tips” she has up her sleeve. They’re probably just pieces of frozen bacon.

8. “THIS IS WHERE THE MAGIC HAPPENS.” Really? Now magicians are pulling burnt cassoulets out of pots instead of white rabbits out of hats? Who knew!

7. THE WAY SHE GASPS AT THE PLATE OF NORTH AFRICAN MEATBALLS. Calm down, honey. It’s a meatball, not a winning Powerball ticket. (But then again, I’d probably be gasping for breath if someone put those things in front of me, too.)

6. “WAIT UNTIL I TELL YOU MYYYYYY SECRET!” Like how to effectively reduce birth pain with concentrated breathing techniques?

5. “I’LL PUT YOUR COOKING TALENTS ON THE MAP!” Dear God. That’s sooooo lame, it literally hurt to type it.

4. THE FLASHING STROBE LIGHTS. Are they trying to give us all a stroke?

3. THE SHOTS OF HER STUFFING HER FACE WITH HER RANK FOOD. No one needs to see that. No one.

2. “WELCOME TO MY WORLD.” Thanks, but I won’t be going anywhere near your world unless it’s with earplugs and a bottle of strong vodka.

1. THE HIDEOUS, TOOTH-REVEALING GIGGLE AT THE END. This is the stuff nightmares are made of, folks.

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“Your temperature is pretty high, Tooti! It looks like you’ve gotten food poisoning from one of Rachael Ray’s recipes!” Poor thing.

You can watch all of the coolness being stripped from Dr. Tony on Yo Gabba Gabba March 10th on Nickelodeon.

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Oh yes. You see, last night’s Istanbul episode featured one of the corniest, most blatant examples of product placement in the history of television. After dinner at a local restaurant, Tony offered to pay the check. He said, “let me get this” – and the camera zoomed in on a gleaming Chase Sapphire Card. Oh Tony! Oh no you didn’t! (finger snap)

Obviously, product placement is nothing new. It’s an advertising technique commonly used by several major networks. I just never thought I’d see it being used mid-episode by Anthony Bourdain of all people. Through the years, he established trust with his viewers by subtly convincing us the corporate bullshit would always be clearly separated from his commentary. That wasn’t the case here at all. Sure, he had a deal with Bing last year, but that was a sponsorship and it didn’t feel nearly as sell-outish as this did.

As usual, fans of No Reservations took to Twitter to comment on what they had just seen:

“Chase Sapphire plug during Anthony Bourdain’s show was as over the top as fake plugs in Talladega Nights w/ Ricky Bobby. Horrific marketing.” -KyleMengwasser

“Just lost some respect for bourdain bc of horridly blatant chase sapphire card product placement. Ruined the authenticity of the moment.” -chrismreilly

“Did Bourdain just flash a Chase Sapphire card mid-episode?? Favorite show comprised by product placement. Weak.” -jmtnyc

“And with a quick flick of a Chase Sapphire credit card, Anthony Bourdain broke my heart.” -filmmakerzero

FNH also fielded dozens of emails about the infamous credit card, like this one from Zac. “It just seems that his spirit is gone. He’s no longer introspective or investigative into the culture he’s visiting,” Zac said. “He’s just cussing to cuss and stuffing himself more than Zimmern. I know that Bourdain has problems with celebrity chefs and is reluctant to acknowledge his own status as a celebrity chef, but now he’s just a sellout.”

Here’s a quick video, for those who missed it. Was that a HAND DOUBLE, for Christ’s sake?!

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We can relate. None of us here have even the slightest desire to see a movie about some random blogger who spends her days blogging about her love of some other woman’s recipes. Yawn. Not to take anything away from the legend that is Julia Child, but this flick sounds like a laughless SNOOZEFEST of epic proportions.

What’s wrong, Meryl? You didn’t feel like making The River Wild 2?

(Like the card? Send it to a friend at Someecards!)

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