The real story on this weekend’s episode of Semi-Homemade wasn’t Sandra’s tacky bird tablescape, or the way her eyes lit up at the sight of the unopened bottle of vanilla vodka. Oh no. The real story was Sonia Williams, the Semi-Homemaker who was invited on the show to share a recipe for O’Choco Cafe Cake (whatever the hell that is).
After the episode aired, several hundred FNH readers sent us emails and twitter messages asking us one thing: is Sonya Williams a transgender person?
Answer: WE HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.
Something was clearly amiss with her voice, and her hands definitely could never be mistaken for dainty. And what about that aqua turtleneck? Was it just an unfortunate fashion misstep, or a cleverly orchestrated mechanism to hide an Adam’s apple? And how about the awkward banter with Sandra Lee about her two children? Did she actually BIRTH these kids, or did she adopt them? Sadly, the world may never know.
A final note: I’m a big believer in equal rights for all people, and it bothered me to see how FAKE and condescending Sandra Lee was toward Sonya after she heard her speak and started wondering if she might be a man living as a woman. Sandra treated her like she was a leper whom she didn’t want to touch her for fear of catching something. The tension in the air was palpable, and the whole segment was one of the most awkward things I’ve seen on the Food Network in months.
Sonya, good luck to you, whoever you are. We do have one recommendation, though: next time, submit a recipe to Ina Garten instead.
From cheesecake to alligator… if it’s edible, chances are Paula Deen’s coated it with batter and dumped it into her deep fryer! Here’s a quick rundown of Paula’s 7 craziest, most overindulgent deep fried recipes, y’all.
(Note: you can click the titles to go to the actual recipe page on FoodNetwork.com.)
1. DEEP FRIED MAC & CHEESE
Watch in amazement, shock, and probable disgust as Paula Deen wraps mac & cheese in bacon, deep fries it to a golden brown, and eats it before your very eyes. According to an FNH reader named Hannah, “I swear to God, only a southern woman could survive that mouthful of heart attack on a stick.”
2. DEEP FRIED STUFFING ON A STICK
This is basically a combo of breakfast sausage, crackers, carrots, and celery that’s been battered and fried. It doesn’t look appealing to me, but according to Rachael Ray, it’s on a stick, so KIDS WILL LOVE IT!
3. FRIED BUTTER BALLS
Yes, these heart-stopping cholesterol bullets are nothing but butter and cream chunks that have been battered and deep fried. This is just wrong on so many levels. But on the bright side, hey, at least they’re low carb!
[Ed. note: This is what happens when you decide to photoshop Guy Fieri's eyes and mouth on other celebrity chefs. The results are truly hideous. ]
If you use Google, you know about Auto-Suggest. As you type your query into the search box, Google guesses what you’re typing and offers suggestions in real time. The suggestions are based on the overall popularity of various searches.
So basically, Google Suggest offers hilarious insight as to what the majority of people are searching for on Google.
Here are a few Google Auto-Suggestions for our favorite Food Network chefs. I have to admit, some of them are quite accurate.
A few weeks ago, an FNH tipster suggested I start reading Sandra Lee recipe reviews just for their sheer entertainment value. And boy, was he right. Some of the comments from jilted, bitter home cooks were laugh out loud hysterical, and should be highlighted and shared with as many people as possible.
And so, without further ado, here is a brief compilation of the funniest negative Sandra Lee recipe reviews on the Food Network’s official website:
On Sandra’s Fried Cheese Ravioli
“My husband is Italian! I made this for our anniversary and am keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn’t divorce me. They were greasy and tasteless and what few of them he ate sat like lead in his tummy (or so he said). Please pray for our marriage.” -MrsDocChuck
On Sandra’s Fiesta Fondue
“It was like there was a party in my mouth and everyone was throwing up.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Pork Kebobs with Red Grape Sauce
“I tried it her way and then I made it with equal parts ranch dressing and catalina dressing. Both were nasty. My boyfriend Earl gave his to the dog and the dog ran away! Thanks for nothing Snadra” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s cabbage slaw
“Takes the enamel off your teeth! I am assuming there are some serious mistakes in this recipe because it can’t have been intended to taste like that.” -Mary Irene
On Sandra’s Black Jack Lamb Rack
“The sauce looked and tasted like burned black tar. It was horrendous. The only way you could actually eat the [lamb] was to scrap all the sauce off and rinse the lamb chops off under running water.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Frosty Coconut Cocktail
“the coconut added nothing to this drink except a huge mess. I vacuumed my carpet four or five times before it all came up. Honey residue is still sticking to my good rug.” -Henrietta
On Sandra’s Prosciutto Parmesan Biscuits
“Too salty!!! Dried my mouth.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s White Chocolate Cherry Martini
“It tasted allright at first, but then the white chocolate liqueur coagulated with the Grenadine and it was not pretty. Actually, it was disgusting and nobody could finish drinking it.” -Danae
On Sandra’s Grilled New York Strip with Chocolate Merlot Sauce
“I am at a loss for words to describe how incredibly bad the “chocolate merlot sauce” was. The steak was really funky tasting to begin with (by the way, a quarter cup of taco seasoning is twice as much as you need) but when you top it off with that nasty, nasty tasting sauce you have something truly horrifying.” -Anonymous; “The steak was ruined and the chocolate merlot sauce was hideous. It was better to pour on the driveway to fill in potholes, than to put on food.” -David
On Sandra’s Creepy Cookie Cake
“Cutting oreo cookies with kitchen scissors is impossible.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Oriental Pork Wrappers (?!?!)
“These are greasy, slimy and totally awful. They don’t taste remotely oriental.” -Myrrhanndah; “These look like entrails from a gutted and drained goat. Great for forecasting coming events – bad for dinner.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Life’s A Beach Cake
“my poor kids were excited then became disappionted on the first bite. Bless their hearts, even at ages 4 and 6 they have better excpectations of dessert than this.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Halibut Tacos with Fish Salsa
“I must admit I would never have thought of serving fish with allspice and taco seasoning and salsa and cole slaw and peaches. But there’s a good reason for that: this is disgusting.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Stained Glass Wreath Cookies
“Give me a break. This is not Sandra Lee’s anything. This has been done for years and years. It shouldn’t be one of Food Networks 12 featured holiday cookie recipes. It’s not a cookie recipe, it’s a chilcren’s craft project. Anyone who jams a piece of candy onto a pre-made cookie dough and puts it in the oven does not get to say they baked a new recipe. I can promise you that Sandra Lee isn’t decorating her tree with these or allowing her chefs, caterers or whoever actually prepares food in her house to serve them to any of her guests.” -Shel
On Sandra’s Grilled Trout Ciabatta
“It didn’t even taste right. the combination of the ingredients were a really bad idea. I’m sorry but that was like the worse thing i have ever eaten! I can never eat trout again!” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s No-Bake Fruit and Cheesecake Parfaits
“Me and my kids made this desert this afternoon and it was a mess. Nothing set and it smelled so bad my daughter got the dry heaves. I didn’t have no melk to make this desert, so I used powdered instead and that made it even worse. This is not a good recipe for poor people. ” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s No-Bake Daffodil Cake
“Are you kidding me??? If one of the contestants on “The Next Food Network Star” tried to come out with this recipe, the judging panel would kick them out of the contest so fast their head would spin! I honestly am embarrassed for Food Network and Sandra Lee that they aired this. ” -Allison
On Sandra’s Zesty Rice Salad
“OMG was this terrible. Had no taste whatsoever. Whoever named this recipe had a clever sense of humor. ” -Mary Irene
On Sandra’s SL Spaghetti
“This was disasterous. The worst sauce ever. The garlic was way too overpoering and unpleasant to bite into. The mushrooms didn’t cook through either. I followed the recipe exactly. What’s the point of creating a recipe like this if you have to tweak it on your own. I could just create my on gussied up jarred sauce if that was the case. This was bad. It should have a warning label.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Chinese Braised Short Ribs
“I won’t be making THIS again!! Took a week to get the incredible odor out of the house!” -Anonymous; “These ribs tasted terrible! I can’t get the taste of that 5 spice powder out of my mouth. My husband nearly divorced me over these.” -Anonymous
On Sandra’s Provence Style Chicken Breast Fillets (WITH LEMONADE CONCENTRATE)
“The only thing that got fed the night I made this was the garbage disposal.” -Jeanne
On Sandra’s Szechwan Crispy Beef
“If you love your family, leave this one alone.” -Anonymous
Yikes! We all know Aunt Sandy loves her cocktail hour, but come on. Maybe she should just stop writing recipes after that fourth Watermelon Spritzy, eh?
(Thanks for the post idea, Andy!)