Kids across America are studying hard for their SAT tests! Here are a few Food Network-related questions that reportedly might make their way onto the exam this year:
1) Ina Garten needs to drive from Sag Harbor to Southampton for some good vanilla, and plans on stopping for 4 hours to visit some of her gay friends. The distance between the 2 towns is 15 miles. She will take her Mercedes, which can only travel 15 miles per hour for the first 7 miles of the trip because Critical Mass is cycling through town and clogging up the roads. For the rest of the trip, her Mercedes can go 40 miles per hour. How long will the trip take?
2) Noah Starr asks Aida 12 questions. She knows the answer to one of them. What percentage of questions does Aida have to bullshit the answers to?
3) Hypothetically, say Sunny Anderson has 4 pounds of marijuana. If she sells 1 pound to Antonio for $1400 and 2 ounces to Sasha for $120 per ounce, what is the street value of the rest of her hold?
4) On this week’s episode of Money Saving Meals, Sandra Lee saved $.53 by purchasing a store brand. She then spent $153 on hair/make-up products, $260 on her wardrobe, and $824 on matching tchotchkes. And after dinner, everyone was still starving because her portions were tiny. Exactly how big of an idiot is Sandra Lee?
5) Anne Burrell needs 72 bottles of hairspray before filming. Each DuaneReade in NYC only has 4 bottles, and she only has time to go to 2 locations because it’s rush hour and there are assholes everywhere. Exactly how limp will her hair be?
6) As people looked on in horror, Guy Fieri ate 67 donuts at a neighborhood dive. There were only 4 donuts left for the rest of the patrons. What percentage of the dive’s donuts did Guy shove into his big fat mouth?
7) Aaron McCargo is taller than Duff Goldman. Ree Drummond is shorter than Duff Goldman, but she’s not the tallest Food Network host. Put these chefs in order according to their level of annoyingness.
8) On her official website, Paula Deen sells bedazzled eyeglasses for $25, pink Hey Y’all watches for $80, and pewter measuring cups for $170. If she sells 14 pairs of glasses and 6 ugly watches, how many more overpriced measuring cups must she sell in order to buy a $15,000 Russian mail order bride for her unmarried son Bobby?
9) Ina Garten has 582 items in her pantry. 426 of them are “good” items. What percentage of the ingredients are, in turn, total shit?
10) Food Network’s website has annoying pop-up ads. If you get 4 pop-ups per page, and you visit 3 pages each day for 2 days in a row, how many more days until you just say “screw it it” and start visiting Recipezaar instead? (*Bonus: It took you 14 pages to find the recipe you were looking for. How many pop-up ads did you get, and how slowly is your computer running?)
11) Charm City Cakes needs to build a 3′x5′x8′ replica of a car. If they need 1/2 pound of fondant per square foot, calculate which employee should build the cake so Duff can just keep sitting around doing nothing.
12) Rachael Ray has 63 recipes for stoup, 51 recipes for burgers, and 46 recipes for Grandpa’s “Sunday Gravy”. If she only has 151 total recipes, how many times will she have to say “yummo” or “delish” to make us forget that she has totally run out of ideas?
13) The Neely’s are making breakfast for four people. They need 8 eggs, 10 pieces of bread and 12 sausage links. How many times will Pat ask Gina to rub his meat while breakfast is being made? (Written by Orchidgal)
14) Sara went to Target and bought a Giada de Laurentiis can opener for $14, a Giada de Laurentiis ladle for $15, and a Giada de Laurentiis coffee maker for $60. How many more dollars does Sara have to spend on Giada’s products before being labeled clinically insane?
15) Melisa d’Arabian ran out of frozen bacon, and needs to go to the store to get some. If she drives 40 mph, and the store is 20 minutes away, is Debbie Lee still Korean?
Was it just me, or was this skit painfully unfunny?
The real story on this weekend’s episode of Semi-Homemade wasn’t Sandra’s tacky bird tablescape, or the way her eyes lit up at the sight of the unopened bottle of vanilla vodka. Oh no. The real story was Sonia Williams, the Semi-Homemaker who was invited on the show to share a recipe for O’Choco Cafe Cake (whatever the hell that is).
After the episode aired, several hundred FNH readers sent us emails and twitter messages asking us one thing: is Sonya Williams a transgender person?
Answer: WE HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.
Something was clearly amiss with her voice, and her hands definitely could never be mistaken for dainty. And what about that aqua turtleneck? Was it just an unfortunate fashion misstep, or a cleverly orchestrated mechanism to hide an Adam’s apple? And how about the awkward banter with Sandra Lee about her two children? Did she actually BIRTH these kids, or did she adopt them? Sadly, the world may never know.
A final note: I’m a big believer in equal rights for all people, and it bothered me to see how FAKE and condescending Sandra Lee was toward Sonya after she heard her speak and started wondering if she might be a man living as a woman. Sandra treated her like she was a leper whom she didn’t want to touch her for fear of catching something. The tension in the air was palpable, and the whole segment was one of the most awkward things I’ve seen on the Food Network in months.
Sonya, good luck to you, whoever you are. We do have one recommendation, though: next time, submit a recipe to Ina Garten instead.
From cheesecake to alligator… if it’s edible, chances are Paula Deen’s coated it with batter and dumped it into her deep fryer! Here’s a quick rundown of Paula’s 7 craziest, most overindulgent deep fried recipes, y’all.
(Note: you can click the titles to go to the actual recipe page on FoodNetwork.com.)
1. DEEP FRIED MAC & CHEESE
Watch in amazement, shock, and probable disgust as Paula Deen wraps mac & cheese in bacon, deep fries it to a golden brown, and eats it before your very eyes. According to an FNH reader named Hannah, “I swear to God, only a southern woman could survive that mouthful of heart attack on a stick.”
2. DEEP FRIED STUFFING ON A STICK
This is basically a combo of breakfast sausage, crackers, carrots, and celery that’s been battered and fried. It doesn’t look appealing to me, but according to Rachael Ray, it’s on a stick, so KIDS WILL LOVE IT!
3. FRIED BUTTER BALLS
Yes, these heart-stopping cholesterol bullets are nothing but butter and cream chunks that have been battered and deep fried. This is just wrong on so many levels. But on the bright side, hey, at least they’re low carb!
[Ed. note: This is what happens when you decide to photoshop Guy Fieri's eyes and mouth on other celebrity chefs. The results are truly hideous. ]