New Rule: If Brian Boitano wants people to stop speculating about his sexuality, he has to stop throwing “sausage shindigs” for “secret societies.” Newsflash, Boitano: people aren’t going to strictly focus on the food when you’re dropping homoerotic double entendres like salcows every 15 seconds. If you don’t want sexuality to be an issue, perhaps in the future you should leave out the jokes about spreading your “secret sauce” all over the food you’re preparing for those sweaty 300-pound scooter fanatics in head-to-toe leather.
New Rule: Enough with the stupid pop-up ads in the bottom corner! They take up half the screen, and they are obnoxious. I enjoy Claire Robinson as much as the next girl, but I don’t need to be reminded EVERY 45 SECONDS that her show is coming on 3 hours from now. At the very least, use another photo of poor Claire. The vest + the pose = Paula Poundstone circa 1995.
New Rule: Stop showing me how to make alcoholic beverages! These days, everyone from Guy Fieri to Sunny Anderson is whipping out the vodka bottle and making a “cocktail.” Newsflash, Food Network chefs: it was fucking retarded when Sandra Lee did it, and it’s fucking retarded now. Stop it.
New Rule: Leave the husbands at home! It’s bad enough a channel named THE FOOD NETWORK has an entire show devoted to airing Rachael Ray’s boring travel videos, but John Cusimano’s presence makes it even worse. I’m sure he’s a lovely man, but Earth to the Food Network: HE’S NOT FAMOUS! HE’S NOT A CHEF! AND NO ONE WANTS TO SEE HIM! Does Oprah bring Stedman everywhere she goes? No! She just throws his name around every once and awhile so people won’t think she’s sleeping with Gayle King. Learn from the master, Rachael. Learn from the master.
Discount tag placement for the win!
(Thanks for the link, Kristen! via Failblog)
“This is beautiful butt juice. It’s gonna taste like Mario was in your ass himself!”
One word: Ewwwwwwww.
I had no idea Emeril was peddling his own line of “Bam” meals until FNH reader Anya sent me this photo. She found a gigantic stack of them sitting at her local Marc’s (which is like Xpect Discounts, but worse. And if you’ve never heard of those stores, consider yourself lucky. They’re both awful, filthy places where wretched products go to die.)
Here’s what Anya had to say:
I have never heard a thing (on FNH or anywhere else) about Emeril having his own line of Chef Boyardee so I’m assuming it failed horribly and whoever was behind it was too ashamed to advertise these meals. I really should’ve bought one when I had the chance, I bet it would’ve been disgusting! And I really hope Emeril had to taste test all of the recipes for these. No one else should be subjected to canned pasta and meat.
My favorite part of the label design is the fact that it looks like it says 8 AM MEALS and not BAM MEALS.
But wait! There’s more!
He also sells something called “Happy Happy Real Beef Mini Ravioli.” The product description on the official Bam website is priceless:
“They are just the right size to make your family HAPPY, HAPPY! Real beef, thick, sweet, mellow tomato sauce with real pieces of meat and lot’s and lot’s of ravioli’s that are the perfect size for one and all. Made with only the best ingredients that only a real Chef of today would demand; great raviolis, vine ripened tomatoes, real beef and Emeril’s special seasonings made especially for you.”
1) They’re going to make my family HAPPY HAPPY? More like: they’re going to make my family VOMIT VOMIT!
2) Did they really put an apostrophe in lot’s? Twice???
3) Made with the best ingredients that only a “REAL CHEF” of today would demand? Really? I know a lot of “real chefs” and not one of them would serve these to their dogs.
He also sells something called “Oh Yeah Baby: O’s Pasta & Meatballs.” The website boasts “Kids will gobble it up. O’s, O’s, O’s and more O’s combined with mini meatballs and more mini meatballs mixed in Emeril’s own delicate special sauce.” Ewwwwww. I don’t want to know anything about his O’s or his “own delicate special sauce.”
Sorry. As far as I’m concerned, the only BAM I’ll be hearing is the sound of that nasty shit hitting the bottom of my garbage can.
On a recent rerun of Semi-Homemade (subtitled: SEMI OUT OF HER FREAKING MIND), Sandra Lee created a “Denim & Diamonds” tablescape that will definitely go down in history as one of the most hideous things she’s ever done.
First, she hung a chandelier that was clearly made out of sequins from one of Dolly Parton’s old dresses. She then covered the table with cheap, smelly denim fabric and left the edges unhemmed to achieve that authentic, hillbilly look.
Next, she threw more tacky sequin strips all over the table. She then used replicas of J-Lo’s wedding ring as napkin holders.