Didn’t have time to watch the Food Network this weekend? No problem. Here’s what you missed:
Aarti almost choked to death on her chili spice rub, coughed into her food-prep hand, and then bragged about what a great friend she was for feeding her “friends” during a fake tv photo shoot. Whatever. If she was a real friend, she wouldn’t have made short ribs and baked beans rendered in bacon fat for the guy in the orange shirt. She would have made him a plate of celery.
The Neely’s threw a tailgating party and wore the cheapest jerseys on the face of the planet:
Jamie Deen once again showed up and cooked everything while Paula sat around and leaned on the counter. Either cancel the show or rename it, because it’s not Paula’s Best Dishes anymore – and it hasn’t been for a long time.
Also, their bread pudding dessert was the grossest thing I’ve seen on Food Network since Sandra Lee’s meatloaf.
Meanwhile, on Pioneer Woman, this weekend’s episode somehow managed to be even worse – and even more scripted – than last week’s premiere. Ree threw a “party” for her 7 year old son (did we mention he was her BABY?) and made some really boring recipes. No one needs to tune into the Food Network to learn how to make pancakes and hamburgers, for heaven’s sake!
The worst part? Ree gave the kid A ROPE AND SOME SPURS as a gift, and the only guests in attendance at the “party” were a bunch of his old relatives. WOW! BEST 7 YEAR OLD’S BIRTHDAY PARTY EVER!
Finally, I watched my first 5 minutes of Hungry Girl, and that was more than enough for my lifetime.
BRAINS!!!!!!!!! HUNGRY GIRL IS GOING TO EAT OUR FUCKING BRAINS!!!!! After they’ve been coated with low calorie butter spread, of course.
[note: this was originally posted here on FNH on 10/17/10, reposted because the episode just aired again this weekend.]
If you missed today’s episode of Guy’s Big Bite, you missed a doozy of a show. Aarti joined him in the kitchen, and let’s just say SHIT GOT AWKWARD.
First, they opened the show by pretending they were playing BUMPER POOL. I know. Totally ridiculous. Try to contain your laughter.
Then, as the show progressed, Aarti started making these insulting, condescending comments about Guy Fieri… comments which left him dumbfounded and completely unable to respond. Here’s a breakdown of the hilarity:
1) Guy Fieri said he had to “debling” before sticking his hands into a bowl of dough. Aarti rolled her eyes, laughed, and said, “you’re girlier than I am.”
AARTI: 1. GUY FIERI: 0.
2) Guy asked Aarti to chop something, but she had no room to work because his crap was all over the counter. She said, “You’re not used to having friends? (awkward pause)… on your show?”
AARTI: 2. GUY FIERI: 0.
3) Guy asked Aarti to grab hot sauce out of the fridge. He said it was on the top shelf, in a jar with a dude on the label who looked like him. Aarti grabbed the bottle and said, “You’re right. It does look like you. With a big mouth.”
AARTI: 3. GUY FIERI: 0.
So what have we learned? Aarti is probably the most socially awkward person on the Food Network. That, AND SHE GIGGLES NONSTOP. I took the liberty of compiling a video of every one of her giggles during the show (along with the hilarious moments mentioned above). Everyone sitting in the room with me actually GOT UP AND LEFT THE ROOM because her giggle was so obnoxious to hear. It was a labor of love, guys, so please enjoy.
Ever wish you could score some of Guy Fieri’s meat? Well now you can! Costco is selling 14 pounds of Fieri-meat for the low, low price of $140. For those of you who aren’t mathematically inclined, that’s $10 per pound – which makes it far more expensive than good quality meat cuts I could pick up from my local butcher. What a bargain!
The line is being sold under the “Guy Fieri Flavortown Foods” brand so that you (and I quote) “can cook like a chef for yourself, your family, and friends.”
Costco states that the flavors are “off the hook.” And thankfully, the meat is also “ready to cook.” You know, as opposed to all of those grocery store carcasses that you have to de-skin and de-feather before throwing on the grill.
Internet commenters and Fieri haters are having a field day with this news. Here are my 5 favorite comments from the TV website Warming Glow:
5. The meat can be found right next to the over-sized tub of hair gel and Valtrex. -Alcoholics Gratuitous
4. Guy Fieri is a 40-some-odd-year-old man who talks and dresses the way elderly people think teenagers -Danger Guerrero
3. I could only hate him more if he married a Kardashian.. -Burnsy
2. Won’t someone please think of the children and cut the brake lines of his giant yellow douche truck? -Chris
1. By my calculations, that’s about $90 of meat, and $50 of Guy Fieri laughing at you. Anyone who buys this should be mercy killed. -Brutus
The Office of New York Governor Andrew Cuomo has announced that Sandra Lee, host of the popular Food Network program Semi-Homemade, has been appointed Director of the Governor’s Special Taskforce to feed Hurricane Irene evacuees.
Ms. Lee’s nephew Brycer, Press Secretary for the Taskforce, told reporters that Ms. Lee and her staff are currently preparing five thousand meals to be served in evacuation centers in the metropolitan New York City area. The meals will consist of mango honey chicken with mango slices, sausage and bacon kebabs, paradise crab dip wontons, roasted asparagus with cashew-curry mayonnaise, and grilled cheese dippers with spicy tomato-cheese soup. Desert will be delicious slices of a No-Bake Lovecake with a generous dollop of Cool Whip. For the occasion Ms. Lee has also created a special cocktail, the Hibiscus Hurricane, made from rum, vanilla vodka, guava juice, cherry-flavored cough syrup, and hibiscus tea.
The meals will be served on a Hurricane Irene tablescape, which includes cardboard beach houses with the roofs missing, flooded toy cars, and drowned French tourists made from toothpicks. All items used in making the tablescape can be purchased (or looted) from your local crafts store.
[written and submitted by FNH reader Blue Piano; edited by Jillian Madison]