On a recent rerun of Semi-Homemade (subtitled: SEMI OUT OF HER FREAKING MIND), Sandra Lee created a “Denim & Diamonds” tablescape that will definitely go down in history as one of the most hideous things she’s ever done.
First, she hung a chandelier that was clearly made out of sequins from one of Dolly Parton’s old dresses. She then covered the table with cheap, smelly denim fabric and left the edges unhemmed to achieve that authentic, hillbilly look.
Next, she threw more tacky sequin strips all over the table. She then used replicas of J-Lo’s wedding ring as napkin holders.
Alex Guarnaschelli made fish en papillote on this weekend’s episode of Alex’s Day Off, and I swear to God, the woman used enough aluminum foil to stretch from Earth to the moon 17 times:
Look at the size of that thing. That’s not a pouch, it’s an airline pillow!
When she cut it open, the thing was filled with more hot air than Susie Fogelson. Why did she use so much? She was cooking a 6-oz piece of fish, not the shark from JAWS.
Why, with all that extra aluminum foil, Alex could have…
Maybe next time, Alex. The chickens are waiting.
April 15th is right around the corner! Here’s a list of deductions and credits that you loyal Food Network watchers might have missed on your tax returns this year:
The Garbage Bowl Credit
If you actually purchased a Rachael Ray garbage bowl, and aren’t too embarrassed to admit it, you may be eligible for a tax deduction on form SUCKER-24.
The Good Ingredients Credit
If you wasted money on “good ingredients” when you could have gotten away with using “average ingredients”, the difference in price may be eligible for a credit on form FOODSNOB-642.
The Sandra Lee Charitable Deduction
No one ate any of the Semi-Homemade coleslaw you whipped up last night? No problem. If you drop it off at your local retirement community, you may be eligible for a charitable tax credit on form SODALICIOUS-204a.
The Douchebag Exception
If you’ve ever been married to Guy Fieri, you don’t owe any money. Hell, you don’t even have to file a return if you don’t want to. Your debt to society has already been paid.
The Viewing Injury Credit
If you’ve ever suffered an indirect injury while watching Food Network, such as being blinded by Paula Deen’s teeth, getting stressed out while watching Next Iron Chef, and/or breaking your toe while quickly running to change the channel when Cupcake Wars came on, you may be eligible for an above-the-line deduction on form OOHMYNOSE-200.
The “Bringin Home The Bacon” Deduction
If you buy a new Energy Star freezer, and use it to store every last piece of your frozen bacon as per Melissa d’Arabian’s instructions, you may be eligible for a deduction on form HOGWILD-002.
The Mental Instability Deduction
If you found yourself depressed, confused, and/or in need of psychotherapy after enduring an entire season of Next Food Network Star, you’re not alone. Thankfully, you may be eligible to take a standard deduction to cover all related medical bills on form WHYGODWHY-2009.
The Cheese Wheel Addendum
So Giada convinced you to invest in a 25-lb wheel of Parmigiano-Reggiano. It happens. But now, it’s just sitting around, taking up room in your refrigerator and making you miserable. It weighs as much as a child, and it’s nearly as needy. The good news is, you may be able to claim it as a dependent on form ENUNC8-99s.
Hope that helps!
Rachael Ray makes a lot of expressive faces. As such, it can be difficult – if not impossible – for the novice Food Network watcher to know just what she’s trying to convey with each carefully contrived facial contortion. So, we decided to create this handy little Rachael Ray emotion chart to help you all out in a pinch. Whip it out and refer to it as necessary. Happy Food Networking!
Hello, jaw. Meet floor. You’re about to watch Sandra Lee cook with JARS OF BABY FOOD.
Sometimes, I have no words. This is one of those times.
“It’s gonna taste like you baked it from scratch!”
Um, not really. It’s gonna taste like my 8-month old cousin spit it up on my shoulder.
(Thanks for the tip, Mike!)